fran82 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 hi, im new here and i was wondering if anyone could maybe give me some advice? i guess to cut a long story short, ive been with my LD boyfriend for 3 and a half years, i live in northen ireland he lives in england, we've only really just faced the idea of moving closer, or i should say the possibility of me moving closer to him, for a university course. he absolutely freaked out, suggesting that i go anywhere else but where he is! i left it a days before bringing up his reaction. and when i did, now the whole things turned in a such a major issue, he doesn't want he to move closer to him because its not the right time for him. we're exactly the same age, which is 25, not that young, and he says he just feels too immature to take that kinda step. he says he knows he wants to be with me forever, marry me and have kids together, but in his time. sorry i know that is a lot! its just made he think, well, should i give up on my life plan , my dreams, married with kids and a great job the usual! should i wait, i know im ready for atleast the next step, moving a little closer, not even moving in together! but closer! im not ready myself to get married or anything like that. but knowing how he feels, how can i just keep waiting?? we've decided to take a break so i can regroup my thoughts, but i so confused! can anyone help, all my thoughts are just swirling around my head? i know i love him, when we're together its amazing! he has a calming effect on me. i dont know anyone else whose ever had a LD r/ship, so advice really would be so appreciated! very confused fran
curiousnycgirl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I am sorry to say this, but based on the very limited amount you have shared, I do not believe you are dating, I would call it a repeating vacation fling. How can you possibly know you love each other and want to spend your lives together? You haven't spent day to day together! I think it is absurd that he does not want you to live closer ot him, frankly I don't even think he gets a vote unless you are suggesting you two live together. So let me ask you this - did you choose the course because it is near him, or because the school near him is known for this curiculum? Once the course is over what were your plans? Stay in England or go home? Personally I would write off the whole relationship. I'd actually assume something else is going on (ie another woman) which is why he doesn't want you in his town. I am so sorry you are going through this, but bottom line is no you should not give up your goals/dreams/hopes - move on to someone who can share them with you.
audrey_1 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I agree with curious. That sounds odd...and hurtful. And did he really say "in his time"? If he did, he sounds selfish! LD takes work, and it doesn't sound like he's willing to make the effort.
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Beep The sound of his information being permanently erased from my memory banks
justine4 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Fran, I just think he's getting scared because you would be giving up a whole lot to move to England and he maybe would feel under a lot of pressure to make everything go right. I'd believe what he's telling you. Its a very daunting situation to be in. Pressure involved for both of you - for you actually physically moving location, and for him also, by which I mean how guilty would he feel if things weren't to work out and you'd left NI to be with him? I moved the other way - from England to Northern Ireland - all in the name of love! Its a huge culture change and to be honest, I don't blame him for not considering moving here (close your ears Northern Ireland - I do love you!) Moving to a different country is a big thing, moving to somewhere with the history & differences we have here, is even bigger! I'm speaking from experience too. I am now in a relationship with a guy from Dublin and have been for over a year. The main issue at present in our relationship is the distance and how we're going to move forward. He isn't too keen on moving to the North, even though he likes it, he's unsure if he could live here (he saw a soldier with a gun the other day and nearly had kittens!) and I have 2boys so it would mean uprouting them and moving them away from family (look on the bright side - at least theres no kids involved in your situation!) Thats really putting our relationship under pressure, incredibly, at the moment. However, the longer the relationship goes on, the more difficult its going to be. I'd say he really does love you (he could've got another girlfriend far closer to home before now - long distance relationships are far harder than with someone more local) but i'd say the biggest thing holding him back is fear. But remember - you can't get good soda farls in England!!! lol Hope it all works out for you.
justine4 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Oops, sorry Fran. Think I read things a bit wrong. Didn't realise that him not moving over here wasn't the sticking point. I would still say fear is though. He's maybe very comfortable with the set up as it is at present, and doesn't want to upset this arrangement. However, it'll only get harder and harder for you to want to be together, and him putting up this barrier. I'd say you've done the right thing at present, to gather your thoughts, and for him to see, without any contact with you at all, how much you mean to him and see does he change his mind or have any other suggestions then? Hope it all works out for you.
TMichaels Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 fran82, I'm confused. You say you and your b/f have been a "couple" for 3.5 years. How often/how much time during that relationship have the two of you spent face-to-face? In the 3.5 years you have been boyfriend/girlfriend, did you ever talk about life plans? Each of yours individually or as a couple? If so, what were they? How long ago did you discuss them? Best, TMichaels
Author fran82 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 first of all i want to say a big big thank you to you all, for replying! it really does help to get advice from ppl who are going through the same thing just to answer some questions, we've been together 3.5 years, and what we normally do is that he'll come over a visit me for 1 week in every month, and we make sure we talk every night, even if just to say "hope you had a good day", we have talked about the future before now, i know we both want the same things, and ideally we'd have all those things together (in both our views), really it comes down to the timing thing. im more ready than he is, i live away from my parents, have done for a good few years now, he still lives with his mum, shes not had it easy so he's stayed to support her. i wanted to do the course cause it seemed like the best one out there, most suited to me. i seen it as a bonus that it would bring me closer to him, especially after almost 4 years. it seems like a natural progression to want to be closer. not necessarily living together, id probably get my own place and probably return back to NI after, or at least thats the view i would take with me when going there. i have to say i think justine has almost hit the nail on the head, i think! so thank you! .............we've talked about it some more tonight, he keeps telling me, no matter what, we'll be together, even if we split up now, and think about it another day a few years down the line. he says he doesnt want to promise anything yet, that he not ready to, because it might hurt me in the long run. and he knows he'd feel so guilty if that happened. he also keeps saying that he feels really guilty even at the idea that me moving from my family and him not moving from his. i think he means well, but is afraid. but it doesnt mean i can cope with the idea of it all an better! i dont know if i should just wait and wait and hope he catches up with me, or should i end it now and try to find someone who is more technically suited to me? i cant get this thought out of my mind....... Is love enough? i think thats what it comes down to? doesnt it? who gets they're own way, its either now, or later? we've just talked about spliting and almost did, but we both want each other, more than just old friends, i told if we split i wouldnt be sticking around, its all or nothing at all! but when is still the question, i cant see any way for compromise? either one of us has to back down! and we're both cancerians, so thats gonna be virtually impossible! we always have to be right! lol! in this r/ship we're are own worst enemies! i guess you can tell im still extremely confused, we've decided to give this break a fair try, so im not rushing anywhere. justine its really nice that u understand the whole cultural issues involved, although its much better these days, i think he'd be extremely nervous at the idea of coming over here, although its one of our long standing "silly suggestions that we both know may never actually come about". we often take day trips out at bangor and he loves it! maybe one day, we'd always say, one of those nice big houses along the sea front! lol! .....may never happen at all tho! sorry this is so long and really really muddled! but any advice is really appreciated, im feeling really lonely especially amongst my friends because they have no idea what its like, and as a result they're all just attacking him cause he doesnt seem normal to them. but its not a normal situation. so confused......................my head hurts! fran
curiousnycgirl Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Actually I don't really think love is enough - sorry! I think timing is key too. You and your SO need to be in the same place (emotionally and mentally) at the same time - then, with love, it can work! That's my theory at least - I still haven't gotten the timing thing down, so I can't confirm yet.
justine4 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Don't give up hope fran. I'm in exactly same position - your story is soooo similar to position i'm in at mo is SCARY!!! lol It doesn't seem fair sometimes that other people have it far easier with their other half living locally. Its very hard having the distance to deal with but I'm a firm believer (and romantic 2!) that whats meant to be is just that, and hopefully, both of our relationships are! My other half also is finding it hard to think about how we're going to get together in the future, and he's driving us half mad (not too hard when ur halfway there in the 1st place lol!) with worrying what can go wrong. Relationships can be tough and I know what you mean about you're friends not understanding. Its completely different being an observer than being in the middle of all this, when you know how good things could be, what you both want in the future, but the logistics and how you'll eventually get there are all up in the air. Fingers crossed for all of us in this situation!!
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