btc8 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Okay, I've always considered myself to be a 'fast-mover' in regards to typing or categorizing my past relationships--that is to say, after the first few dates, I figured it would be apt to classify the burgeoning interest between me and my partner as a relationship (read: boyfriend/steady/insert committed relationship term euphemism here). In the past, that has worked because I've only had two major relationships, and they both lasted a rather long time (the first was two years, the second was only 6 months, but these occurred while I was in college, and I still am currently, and I am 22 so I consider them long). Ever since, I have developed a somewhat obsessive 'habit' where I need to classify situations in order to be able to know that I have some sort of control over it--I am a major perfectionist as well. So, I've been seeing this guy for about a month--you can read about it on here where I had qualms about how I made the move to kiss him and whatnot. We both agreed that it would best to take things slow (I reluctantly agreed only because things wouldn't be taken at my pace, and I wouldn't have as vast a control over things as I usually did in the past). And then, last night, probably due to lack of sleep as I've been pulling several all-nighters, he and I were chatting on AIM, like we do often, and I just typed out the question: Are we in a relationship or what? Yes, tacky, but for some reason this taking it slow is irking me--really, it is. He responded that he thinks that in the past, he too was rather hasty in declaring a relationship official after a month or so, but that by slow he doesn't mean that it would take a snail's pace either to enter a relationship. I asked, "When will we know?" He replied with, "When it feels right." Of course I wasn't happy with that reply, but I acquiesced in order to show him that I can evince some rationality by replying that it sounds like that would make the most sense. He did say that he thinks what's been happening with us has been 'so far so good.' He really does not initiate things either, like I had to initiate the first kiss, which I absolutely hate doing. My past two b/f's were very much decisive in that regard, and I think that that's also bothering me. He said he would sleep on our conversation, but now I feel like an absolute moron because I just eviscerated myself to him in regards to how I feel. I feel very vulnerable, and I don't really even want to call him. Opinions? Does the taking it slow thing bother others too? Thanks everyone, B
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 For me it didn't for the first month and a half or so... but it's starting to in some aspects. He sounds a bit like the guy I've been seeing - in certain ways. How much time have you spent together in the last month?
audrey_1 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Sounds a lot like my current situation. I agree with my SO, though, that sometimes haste makes waste. None of my past "hurried" relationships lasted, so what's wrong with trying a different approach? Why do we want to hurry? How can we be in a relationship with someone we barely know? What's to be gained by forcing people into situations? It builds resentment, distrust, and can only end with a breakup, right? Personal preferences, personality traits, temperament, habits, etc., become available over TIME. For instance, I was riding in my SO's car, and when he turned the ignition, some rather heavy music was playing---too heavy for me, not really my taste. From what I knew of his musical taste to that point was jazz and classical film scores...so wow, what a revelation! I'm not patient, either, so I understand your anxiety, BUT, taking it slow has taught me a lot about pace in seeing something through that could be VERY GOOD if not rushed and exhausted like a cheap firecracker. Go with the flow.
lovestruck818 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Ya taking it slow sucks for me too! My last few relationships didn't last very long but they moved very quickly and were very intense (heh- that could be why they didn't last but whatever- it is what I'm used to). Anyway, so my boyfriend now of 3 months has been moving this relationship along at a snail's pace. Everything seems to scare him when we talk about the future- and not necessarily OUR future together, but just the future in general. I asked him to go to my friend's wedding with me as my date...and he agreed but of course he had to throw in a witty remark, to the tune of "if i go with you to this wedding, are you going to be all wedding wedding on me and want to get married?"...like the idea of anything other than what we have now scares him. The worst thing is that I am seriously falling for this guy and I don't know how to tell him without scaring him away. I have no idea how he feels about me and I would really like to know as well. I think we have communication issues as well as a relationship the pace of a turtle...but yeah, that's for a whole other thread. Anyhoo...yeah, slow relationships suck. Speed it up boys!
Author btc8 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I agree with my SO, though, that sometimes haste makes waste Now after have given myself a few days to step back from the situation, I realized that taking it slow is most rational and sensible thing to do. I agree that 'haste does make waste' and my current paramour and I discussed it further, and we are on good terms now. Why do we want to hurry? How can we be in a relationship with someone we barely know? What's to be gained by forcing people into situations? It builds resentment, distrust, and can only end with a breakup, right? Very good advice. I think I was yearning to have the feelings from my past relationship with this new guy, and I know now that that's completely irrational and would only lead to disaster and eventual disappointment. The more we get to know each other, the better things will get (I can't envision them getting worse unless something really bad does happen). Thanks for the advice everyone!
Timberlane Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I think for me taking it quickly validates whether or not the person is attracted to me, so I tend to like that more. But then moving too quickly physically glosses over any other personality conflicts, differences in style, and intellectual incompatibilities. Although, I don't think I have ever ruined something by going too quickly. Rather, it allowed sex to happen when it might never have. So if that aspect is important, not to have sex with a person you decide later you don't want to date, then going slow is the only way to approach things.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It sounds like the two of you have conflicting expectations and personalities. He appears to be more of a passive type, where you're quite a bit more aggressive. Something to consider though, would you be happy in a relationship where someone else is always directing traffic? I ask this because of your reference to control and perfectionism. Also, something else to consider, he doesn't just appear to be passive, there's an element of passive-aggressiveness, in that he wants to be the person who defines "when" it's a relationship. As for going slow, it's reliant on what aspect of the relationship you're talking about. Kissing and some form of tactile contact, can be telling, earlier on in the dating game. I must admit that if there's no contact, I would wonder. If it entails going all the way, including oral sex and full body tactile contact, keeping the pace down to molasses, is the best way to get to know someone else's personality and if they're a relationship style person or otherwise.
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