mark1210 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) I'd like to get some perspectives on this situation and why this woman always feels the need to tell me "No sex". I've been dating this woman for about a month, she is a single mom, student, and full time worker so I can only imagine how hard pressed for time she is..yet she makes time for me. Based on that, I know I am at least somewhat important to her and she is somewhat interested. On the first date she made it very clear that she is tired of guys always trying to get in her pants. I can understand her mentioning that the first time...making sure her feelings were known. Yet, every date (there's been at least 5 or 6 by now) she makes it clearly known there will not be any sex. Why does she feel the need to remind me of this? I have never even tried to push sex. She started kissing me, and we kissed for a good half hour, she put her hand down my pants to feel my butt but my hands remained on her waist the entire time. I haven't ever tried to do anything that warrants her reminding me of "no sex". Another example, last weekend we were watching movies and drinking...a lot. She felt it was best to crash over and I gave her the bed and I took my couch. I sleep in my boxers and thats it, she knew that. Yet, she felt the need to wake me wearing some super skimpy two piece pajams up because she wanted to spoon but in the same breath she felt it necessary to tell me...No sex. I told her no thanks and went back to bed. At this point it seems like she is playing a game. The next morning she was mad I refused to spoon with her. I told her that wearing that skimpy outfit along with a lot of alcohol in the picture that I felt it best to minimize the risks and respect her wishes. Her constant need to tell me that makes me feel that either A) I'm not attractive to her, B) she doesn't see me in a sexually attractive manner, C) Somehow she feels I just want sex I'd like to get other people's perspective on this. There hasn't been anything other than kissing on my part, she did grab me once and say..someone is pitching a tent but that was it. Maybe I need to start reminding her...no sex. Edited April 2, 2008 by mark1210
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Wow... she's hellbent on not having sex huh? Do you respond at all when she says this? Like "It's okay, I understand you don't want sex at this point?" If not - then maybe she doesn't realize that you've comprehended she doesn't want sex. If so ... sounds like she really meant it when she said guys just want to get in her pants. After she said it the first time, was it just during kissing and what not, or just out of the blue that she reminded you?
Jilly Bean Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I don't like this one bit, Mark. Seems like she's definitely playing games. Like she needs the validation that you find her sexually attractive, yet she has no plans on sleeping with you or returning the sentiment. My guess is that she's using you for companionship and dates, but that she truly has no intention of sleeping with you. The constant reminders when you are not pushing for it, would totally turn me off. She's got some issues, and I think you are just grazing the surface. Run!
Author mark1210 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 DreamerGirl--- Yes, I usually respond the same way....I'm aware of your feelings on that subject. This last time was when I went further and said..you don't need to remind me, you've set the expectations appropriately. And her response was...just as long as we're clear. JillyBean: Yeah, it makes me wonder. I know she claims guys always want in her pants...but yet i haven't made any kind of remotely close attempt. I didn't stop her when she put her hands down my pants but maybe i should have.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I didn't stop her when she put her hands down my pants but maybe i should have. Beat her too next time she puts her hands somewhere... "Remember, we aren't having sex."
blind_otter Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 It's unfair of her to put you in compromising positions while insisting that you cannot have sex. I mean, it's almost torturous in a way. I have to agree with Jilly on this one, it does sound like she's playing games to make you validate her sexuality.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yeah, it makes me wonder. I know she claims guys always want in her pants...but yet i haven't made any kind of remotely close attempt. I didn't stop her when she put her hands down my pants but maybe i should have. Try pushing for it next time. If she responds negatively I think you would be safe to just tell her straight that you think your getting used and that you don't want to see her anymore.
DanielMadr Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 If this was supposed to be a war I would tell you to make fun of her "broken record" and withdraw your attention - do not reward bad behaviour by more attention. But this is supposed to be a relationship. So I would suggest when there is more doubts, remorse and games than one would find OK - Move on. She will surely rant to her friends that you was another pig after sex with her. But its better to be happy pig than chopped up steak in her freezer.
Author mark1210 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Cobra, I can only imagine what the result of that would be. She wasn't thrilled I turned her down when I was on the couch. I just knew it would be torture and I'd rather just avoid it and sleep. Explain this validation of sexuality? Is that why she got bent out of shape because I wouldn't validate it by going into my own bed and cuddling with her?
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Personally, I don't think she's playing games at all. She's testing you. She is sick of guys getting the sex and walking away. She wants to be sure you're hooked enough so that you don't walk away afterwards. Question you have to ask yourself, is that the case...? Personally, the amount that you've thought about this and mentioned it leads me to suspect that she can sense you're focused a little on sex and she's not entirely happy with that, which is why she keeps bringing it up. You guys need to have a talk about it. You need to make it clear to her that you're not happy to be used in a relationship like this. You also need to make it clear to her that you have expectations that although you appreciate right now she doesn't want to make the relationship physical, but at some point you expect it to take that course, if she knows it isn't going to... she needs to own up to that right now.
peace_pipe Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I was in a similar situation once. She would make out heavily, then just stop. Not once, not twice but everytime! The result was my not even wanting to initate physical contact anymore because walking away with blue balls got old. Then, of course she felt "unattractive". Yada yada yada, the end. Just my 2 cents.
peace_pipe Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Personally, I don't think she's playing games at all. She's testing you. She is sick of guys getting the sex and walking away. She wants to be sure you're hooked enough so that you don't walk away afterwards. Question you have to ask yourself, is that the case...? Personally, the amount that you've thought about this and mentioned it leads me to suspect that she can sense you're focused a little on sex and she's not entirely happy with that, which is why she keeps bringing it up. You guys need to have a talk about it. You need to make it clear to her that you're not happy to be used in a relationship like this. You also need to make it clear to her that you have expectations that although you appreciate right now she doesn't want to make the relationship physical, but at some point you expect it to take that course, if she knows it isn't going to... she needs to own up to that right now. I am not sure about this. SHE seems to be the one hung up on sex. SHE is the one making it an issue. He wasn't pressuring her. I see it as her pressuring him NOT to have sex. It's a tough one to call.
Little Shy Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 This behavior of hers is reminiscent of when I was in high school. Before I started having sex with men I was a MASSIVE tease. I used to do this same thing as your gal and with little concern for how torturous it was for my male companion. Yes, I wanted to validate by own attractiveness, You know, when the parts first start coming in you want to see what sort of attention or power you can wield with them. In retrospect I think I was an evil little teen Her behavior is rude, and shows signs of insecurity & immaturity. I think it sounds like you are handling it quite well. I think you declining to spoon 1/2 clothed was a good idea, first because it could have been a very painful night for you & second, you let her know that you intend to respect her wishes, but you don't want to be teased at the same time. All that Jilly Bean said was true. Sounds as if there are some serious underlying issues. Is she still very young? In what circumstances did she become a single mother? Maybe she thinks sex = pregnancy.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Cobra, I can only imagine what the result of that would be. She wasn't thrilled I turned her down when I was on the couch. I just knew it would be torture and I'd rather just avoid it and sleep. Explain this validation of sexuality? Is that why she got bent out of shape because I wouldn't validate it by going into my own bed and cuddling with her? You rejected her. Yeah of course she got bent out of shape. It's not too hard to imagine how that made her feel. Serious, if she is just jerking you around... and believe me there are women who do that... then you need to figure it out quick and dump her. A little pressure never hurt anyone... and if she thinks your worth it... then she should be willing to put forth some effort to keep you around.
Author mark1210 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 So many good points here. I respect that, and I'm not looking for a quick one nighter. I'm not in a hurry to take things to the physical level. If I was, and she was acting this way then obviously we are clashing and if it couldn't be resolved it would be time to part ways. She is so intent on setting my expectations that perhaps I should set mine with her. Essentially tell her I respect her wishes, but that I do expect this to eventually turn to the physical level and if she doesn't see that occuring to let me know now. Of course, me just bringing up that topic makes it look like I'm just looking for sex. Its a game I can't win.
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Oh I'm not saying he's pressuring her at all... but yea, I agree sex is definitely an issue for her ... and so she's testing him. So it's still important for him to say that although he's understanding right now what's going on, at some point... the relationship should (in the natural course of events) move on to incorporate sex. If a guy said that to me, I'd know for certain whether I wanted to move the relationship on to the sexual phase or not. If not, I'd be able to tell him that right there and then. When it happens makes no difference... the point is she will already know whether it will or not.
DanielMadr Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Personally, I don't think she's playing games at all. She's testing you. She is sick of guys getting the sex and walking away. She wants to be sure you're hooked enough so that you don't walk away afterwards. Question you have to ask yourself, is that the case...? Personally, the amount that you've thought about this and mentioned it leads me to suspect that she can sense you're focused a little on sex and she's not entirely happy with that, which is why she keeps bringing it up. You guys need to have a talk about it. You need to make it clear to her that you're not happy to be used in a relationship like this. You also need to make it clear to her that you have expectations that although you appreciate right now she doesn't want to make the relationship physical, but at some point you expect it to take that course, if she knows it isn't going to... she needs to own up to that right now. He is feeling quite disrepected being Lab Rat because of her fears, insecurities and doubts. It is like a guy burned by Gold Diggers is telling you "I wont pay for the meal" 3 times a day and than waving 100 dollar bill watching your reaction. And Sex is quite a normal thing to want from a person you love as opposite to money which makes the whole situation even more disrespecting and weird.
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 She is so intent on setting my expectations that perhaps I should set mine with her. Essentially tell her I respect her wishes, but that I do expect this to eventually turn to the physical level and if she doesn't see that occuring to let me know now. Of course, me just bringing up that topic makes it look like I'm just looking for sex. Its a game I can't win. You tell her in exactly that way I think. Tactfully and with respect. You explain that actually, YOU don't want it right now... but that YOU do expect it will change at some point and you want to know does that match her expectation. It's a simple and reasonable request I think.
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 He is feeling quite disrepected being Lab Rat because of her fears, insecurities and doubts. Yea, and that's why I said he should call her out on HIS expectations. Unfortunately whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, we all have doubts and insecurities. That's simply human nature. She's making sure he's not going to add to hers... it's like the guy being burned by the Gold Digger - he's gonna make sure the gal pays her share and then some to make sure he doesn't get shafted. That's what happens. People are social creatures shaped by their experiences. Unfortunately the only way around it is to have patience with that person. The tough job is recognising when they are actually taking the pee. IMHO, I doubt that she is... and FWIW, I think maybe she'd go to the next level fairly soon actually.
DanielMadr Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Tell her that you love her and you wont leave her no matter what.......but you want her to drop that disrespectin BS about you and sex. Tell her exactly that. If she is insecure, that might be enough reassurance for her. If she is a bitch, she will make drama. And you can go.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 So many good points here. I respect that, and I'm not looking for a quick one nighter. I'm not in a hurry to take things to the physical level. If I was, and she was acting this way then obviously we are clashing and if it couldn't be resolved it would be time to part ways. I think this is exactly what you need to say to her. If she has a problem with it, move on. No one needs to be jerked around, or reminded what or what isn't okay every single time.
DanielMadr Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yea, and that's why I said he should call her out on HIS expectations. Unfortunately whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, we all have doubts and insecurities. That's simply human nature. She's making sure he's not going to add to hers... it's like the guy being burned by the Gold Digger - he's gonna make sure the gal pays her share and then some to make sure he doesn't get shafted. That's what happens. People are social creatures shaped by their experiences. Unfortunately the only way around it is to have patience with that person. The tough job is recognising when they are actually taking the pee. IMHO, I doubt that she is... and FWIW, I think maybe she'd go to the next level fairly soon actually. And it is HELL to live with people that insecure. It is natural to be cautious after you have been smacked by a car. But you cant drive 20mph on a highway and wonder why people show you fingers. Get over it or suffer more.
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 LMAO! Dan that was class posting. I love it! If he told me he loved me - I'd run a fckin mile! But seriously, there's no need to go that far, just saying he's committed to seeing where it goes is enough. No need for high drama huh..?!
blind_otter Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I don't know what grown woman would NOT know how evil and torturous it is to snuggle with a man you refuse to have sex with wearing a skimpy nightie. I mean, come on. That is pretty damn juvenile.
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 And it is HELL to live with people that insecure. It is natural to be cautious after you have been smacked by a car. But you cant drive 20mph on a highway and wonder why people show you fingers. Get over it or suffer more. Oh hell yes, I know! But like I said, I'm not convinced she IS that insecure. She's just making sure. 6 dates is hardly anything in the world of relationship terms. The key is the expectation conversation I think. If he can have that rational conversation with her and she's amenable to his thoughts and expectations... he's on to a winner imho. If there's more drama tho, I'd be inclined to hightail it!!
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