Ex-GF...Just need some encouragement I'm right!...

[SadHatter]

Well this is a long thread but I’m hoping someone can be bothered to read it and just let me know I’m doing the right thing here and give me some advice/encouragement.

 

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me about eight weeks ago now. We’d been together for just over 2 years and were as close as a couple could get – every weekend together without fail, just the best of friends and inseparable. Eight weeks ago, she said that she wasn’t attracted to me anymore and only saw me as a best friend. She said the “spark” wasn’t there anymore, but she still wanted me in her life as a best friend. She told me she loved me as a friend but wasn’t in love with me anymore and to quote, “I love you as a friend on the highest level, but I don’t have a speckle of romanticism left in my binoculars. I’d love for you to be my best friend forever, but I understand if that is too difficult for you.”

 

I’m 25, she’s 18. I hadn’t wanted to fall for someone so young (she was only 16 when I met her for goodness sakes!!!!), but she looked and acted so much more mature and we had so much in common that over time, I fell for her.

 

She initially actually broke up with me last October, totally out of the blue. About 2 weeks later, she was saying it was the biggest mistake of her life and she wanted me back. Against my better judgement, I gave it another go and we had a lovely Christmas together, both of our families even met up on Boxing Day. Then again, totally of the blue, she broke up with me again in mid-January.

 

We tried the mates thing for about a month after…it didn’t work so we cut contact for about a week and then she messaged me online and asked me how I was doing…she said her parents had a car crash and so I responded and asked if everything was OK.

 

She asked me if I was still single and I said, “Of course…we only broke up three weeks ago”. She said, “Me too…although I have ‘a friend’ now”. My stomach sank as I knew exactly what she meant (someone she’s just sleeping with). She told me he lives in my town, he’s 22 and a personal trainer and has his own car and his own house and it’s really exciting and she just so happens to fancy the pants off him, which really helps. She said she met him in a bar, and he’s her friend’s boyfriend’s best mate.

 

I played it cool but was totally and utterly gutted. I was the only person she’d ever been intimate with (she’d never slept with anybody before). Within days of us breaking up, she was sleeping with him. She said she’s been to his house 3 or 4 times now and had stayed overnight the past 2 times. She said she didn’t want love/commitment/a relationship and she knew he was using her, but she’s using him just as much and that she knows it sounds stupid but she needs “the chase” and finds it really exciting. She said he didn’t respond to any of her text messages for 2 days and she was really angry, but then he called her late the night before and asked her over and she felt really happy and she almost seems to like being treated badly!

 

I said I couldn’t believe she’d moved on so quickly and that we only broke up three weeks ago and she said that in her mind we were over three months ago and so she’s moved on. She said she knows it sounds stupid but she feels like she needs to do this in order to grow up. I said “Well it sounds like he’s better than me in every single department, probably sex too, so well done!” (being sarcastic) and she said, “Sorry to be harsh but he is….the sex is amazing, he’s a personal trainer, what do you expect!” I was then treated to a whole host of things they’d done in the bedroom! I played it cool once again, but was naturally absolutely gutted. We continued to talk, which in hindsight was foolish of me, I was just hurting myself more, but I thought I could deal with it and I didn’t want her to see how bothered I was. We even met up three or four times after she called me one night in tears. By now it had been about two weeks since she’d initially told me about this other guy. She wrote me a letter, which I showed to my sister, which worried me a lot – she seemed under a lot of pressure, especially with exams coming up and her being a very clever girl, there is a lot of pressure on her. She seemed extremely depressed and my older sister was also quite worried about her and asked if my ex-gf would like to go and see her for a talk, which she did. At this point she told my sister and I that she was no longer talking to this other guy and she wasn’t bothered about him particularly – it had been a stupid case of flattery and she didn’t really care anymore. My sister warned me not to expect anything more than friends and not to get my hopes up and actually that I shouldn’t really want to be in a relationship with this girl anymore. My sister has since said she made a big mistake in thinking my ex-gf was a nice girl.

 

She continued to text and call me constantly every day, and one day she even text me, “You’ve got me thinking about you all the time now. Bummer!”. The next day, when I questioned her about this she said, “I only meant as friends!” and I told her you cannot say things like that to people and that to me and anyone else it didn’t read as “just friends.” About a week later, we met up and went to the cinema. We ended up getting kissy and cuddly, a big mistake. During the film she received a text from this other guy and showed me…I thought why is he texting her if they no longer speak. It said, “Hey sexy, what you up to?” and she replied, “just in the cinema xxx”. I couldn’t believe it – why was she replying if she “didn’t care”?! He text back, “With another guy?!” and she said, “Yes…one of my many bf’s ha! Xxx”. I couldn’t believe she spoke about me like this! How dare she! I spent the rest of the film in a foul mood and was on the verge of walking out and going home, which in hindsight I wish I had done and kept some pride! With about ten minutes of the film left, he called her, she didn’t answer and text him, “still in cinema xxx”. We walked out and she said she needed the toilet. I immediately suspected she was going to call him so when she came out, I had a go at her. She said she hadn’t called him and showed me her phone records. I said, “That’s your missed calls, I am not stupid.” Now show me your received calls. Well, he’d called her about 30 times in about 4 days! I then asked her to show me her dialled calls and she’d called him equally as much – she’d even called him that morning about an hour before she asked to meet me! I was so angry and said, “You’ve spoke to him loads and you’ve called him loads, even this morning before meeting me!” and she said in a sarcastic tone, “Oh well what a crime I’ve committed! It has nothing to do with you and is none of your business!”. I said, “You told me you weren’t talking to him anymore and didn’t care. You said last week to both me and my sister that you weren’t interested anymore.” She said, “I wasn’t” and I said, “But you are now?” and so sarcastically she just said, “Yep…”. I stormed off home and called her that night and said that I didn’t think we should talk anymore, to which she immediately agreed and didn’t even seem bothered. She said, “Of course I will miss you so much as a friend, but I can deal with it. In a couple of months we could be friends again when you’re over ‘us. I should never have told you about him either.”

 

We then basically said our good byes and right near the end of the conversation, she said, “I’ve just been on the phone to him actually for an hour, he’s asked me to stay over his during Easter, no sex involved, just to get to know each other better, so I think I probably will, should be fun.” I then said, “What the hell is the point of telling me that? Just **** off!” and hung up. That was two weeks ago. We haven’t spoken since.

 

She sent me a text the Saturday before last saying, “There is a grey jacket of mine I remember leaving in your cupboard ages ago. Just went to wear it. When you pass next I’d like to have it. Thanks” I totally ignored it.

 

On Friday night my best friend’s ex-gf turned up at our local pub to see my friend as they’ve broken up and she wanted to talk to him. She told me that she’d called my ex-gf that night to ask her to go with her and she said, “No because I’ll (meaning me) will be there and we haven’t spoken for a month and I want to keep it that way.” I laughed and said it hadn’t been a month, it had been about 1.5 weeks, so why lie? Then on Sunday afternoon, I saw her dad in the pub, we spoke for 5 minutes, I didn’t mention her once and neither did he. I came home and got a message from her saying, “Did you go out with my friend on Friday?”, meaning my mates ex-gf. I ignored the message again totally.

 

My mates ex spoke to me later that night and said she had no idea why my ex had asked me that question as she’d already spoken to her that morning, so why ask a question she knew the answer to already? I laughed and said, “Well considering she “wanted to keep it that way, not talking, she has text me the very next day!”

 

So, I’m into 2 weeks no contact here, I’ve no idea what is going on her end, whether she is with that guy or not – I guess it really doesn’t matter. Any advice here? Were those two texts in the last 2 weeks genuine or was she looking to initiate contact or what? The whole thing baffles me – she baffles me. I felt second best and will never accept that.

 

Awaiting your advice/thoughts…many thanks…

[Chinook]

She's simply trying to work out whether she has you on a string imho. You'd be better maintaining NC. If she was REALLY serious about making moves towards reconciliation, you'd have a lot more to go on than two vague texts and messages via her friend. She'd let you know and you'd have no doubt. I would walk away and let her play her games on someone else's head. Sorry buddy but that's what it looks like from here.

[Raiatea]

I agree. She sounds manipulative and immature. Although it's painful, keep up the NC and don't play her games.

[Bobby.Roy]

Ahh! Another "classic" case..My case is almost the same..Relationship for 8 long years, this mutual friend comes in between, she starts liking/loving this guy but doesnt want ME out of her life, but obviously i cannot be her "friend" so i initiate NC after informing her politely that i cannot be your friend after being in such an intense relationship for the past 8 years!

 

Since the past 2 weeks or so we haven't spoken to each other, though she keeps calling me every 2-3 days (once) but i do not answer her call..Obviously it is one of those calls where she would ask - "How are you doing? How is ur life going on..??" and stuff like that, which to me DOESN'T really matter because she has DUMPED me and she is OUT of my life for God's sake. She is with that other guy, and if she thinks that guy would keep her happy and stuff, that should remain that way..

 

Haven't contacted her for 2 weeks (a little more than 2 weeks actually) and everytime she calls i just ignore..NC it is, totally! And these days i do not even worry whether she would EVER even think of reconcilation or not..

 

So, buddy, i would suggest you continue NC as long as you can. This really would help you in the healing process, trust me. Though some days would be bad whereby u would simply break down emotionally and cry your heart out but that is absolutely natural, trust me..

 

Dont let her play "by her rules", dont let her control you, your life and your feelings/emotions. You deserve MUCH MUCH more, trust me. You deserve to be loved, not to be someone's "fall-back" option..

 

Total NC - follow it! And you'll heal and be normal, else this will continue for i dont know how long..

[SadHatter]

Thanks for the replies guys, much appreciated. Well, its very, very weird. After writing this post last night my mate called me and asked me if I would like to go out for a few beers, so we did. Went to about four different pubs and then to a bar. Had been in the bar about 45 minutes when I get a tap on the back - it was my ex! I couldn't believe it!

 

I could have ignored her, but thought it better to be civil and act cool. She told me that she's now seeing another guy too, who she is sleeping with, as well as the guy from before, and neither of them knows about the other and she plans to continue seeing both of them! Dear oh dear!

 

I told her I'd met someone new (which is true) and we spoke for a good 20 minutes, she asked how my family was too etc. She seemed genuinely jealous I was seeing someone else.

 

I left the bar and about 20 minutes after I got home, she text me saying, "Thanks for the chat, but I think we should now go back to no contact, it is better than this. You've totally played mind games with me and messed with my head"! Haha....what the hell?!

[Walking away]

She is a child. And she acts like it.

 

Don't stoop to her level.

 

Let her go and play her childish games with someone else...

 

BTW...she sounds promiscuous. Is that the type of girl you really want...?

Edited April 3, 2008 by Walking away

[SadHatter]

Yes, she does act a child.

 

She certainly also does seem to be becoming a promiscuous person. She wasn't before - I was the only sexual partner she'd ever had, but within eight weeks of us breaking up, she's sleeping with two different guys - and they both don't know about the other. Hmm....!

[Walking away]

Well there you have it.

 

She is spinning out of control sexually.

 

Stay clear. The fallout for her is going to be enormous.

[SadHatter]

Good lord.... her friend just came online and threw about 10,000 insults at me, calling me all sorts of names etc. and saying they'd seen a pic of this new girl and she looks like a man etc.!

 

Then my ex came on to the account and said...hi, its me....that was so funny....well for me anyway...if i was in love with u, i'd never have let her write that, but im not, so its funny!

 

And then they went offline! What on earth?! I am absolutely speechless my ex would act this way, I never ever ever ever ever ever thought she would - what kind of a person has she turned into?!?!?!? I'm in absolute disbelief!!!!

[SAD LADY]

Sad Hatter....

 

First of all..you are dealing with an 18 year old who acts 12. Why are you

playing her games? This is high school stuff. You are 25...the age difference is really showing here.

 

Want to blow her mind? Change your phone number and all your contact info. See how malicious she gets then. Seriously....for her to blatantly rub in your face all the sex she's having etc, is extremely cruel. Sounds like she has a mean streak in her. I would just laugh at her stupidity and find someone more your maturity level.

[Ofleg7]

Sorry mate, this girl isn't worth your time. I've known girls that have acted like this following a break up and I think it's pathetic. You've done well on the NC on your part, but you've got to do something about her contacting you, it's not on.

 

Rise above it dude, dont get dragged into her stupid games

[mas21]

I do not understand her but i guess can kinda apply it to my own situation. So i have a question for you. I dated my ex for 3 years when i was in hs, he is 5 yrs older then me. I broke up with him when i went to college but wanted him as my best friend also. Afterwards he kinda hinted to he was so hurt he had suicidal thoughts. At least thats what i got from it. Even bitched to him about jerk guys during college. Now i am graduating, moving back home and tried over the years to keep continual contact with him via text and what not. Over a yr and a half ago went out to dinner and a movie. Last 2 times i have been in town i have texted him asking him question and he replies but when i mention anything about hanging out, he completely ignores me. Finally i was like "why dont u want to talk to me anymore" and he said "anymore?, we havnt talked much in the last 3 years". Which stabbed in my heart because i have been keeping communication open. Why is he because weird like this and not wanting to catch up??? I have since left him alone but want to know whats his actions saying. I mean i have always told him if he doesnt want to talk to me, or has a gf i will completely leave him alone, but he never tells me to, granted now i am. Does it have anythign to do with the fact that i moved away, and wouldnt let him follow me and now im back and want to see him??

[Ofleg7]

Probably. It sounds like he had a very hard time getting over your break up and that was a painful time for him, so hearing from you and being around you is just going to put him back in the place that took him a long time and a lot of hard work to get out of.

[mas21]

then how do i convince him im not going to hurt him

[Ssheena]

Mas21, you should start your own thread instead of hijacking this one.

 

SadHatter - bummer. I think it is sooo heartless and clueless and just rude, crude and socially unacceptable how your x is behaving.

 

You need to stay as far away from her as possible and out of contact with her by any means possible. It's not doing you any good to hear about the personal trainer and all the other guys.

 

So immature on her part and just cruel. You don't need that.

[Stockalone]

Why is he because weird like this and not wanting to catch up??? I have since left him alone but want to know whats his actions saying. I mean i have always told him if he doesnt want to talk to me, or has a gf i will completely leave him alone, but he never tells me to, granted now i am. Does it have anythign to do with the fact that i moved away, and wouldnt let him follow me and now im back and want to see him??

 

It sounds like after the break up, you had a relationship/friendship solely on your terms. You went to college and he was no longer good enough to be your bf. Then you used him when you needed a shoulder to cry on and complain about the jerks you met in college. Even though he has to blame himself for letting you treat him that way, it was a really mean thing to do on your part.

 

He was probably trying to be a nice person who wanted to be there for you but I consider that to be self-destructive behaviour. Maybe that is just my pride talking, but I couldn't do what your ex did without feeling like a complete loser.

 

Sure, you asked him if he wanted to be left alone but from what you describe him, he sounds like the guy who is afraid of even appearing to act like a jerk. So instead of telling you to leave him alone, he could have been hoping that you would someday simply stop contacting him. Was it always you that initiated contact those past few years?

 

You may think that he is behaving strangly or that he is even rude/mean, but I would say that it is a matter of self-preservation. Meeting face to face is a lot different compared to replying to a text message or e-mail here and there. If he really was that depressed or even had suicidal thoughts, I don't think he should meet with you.

 

If you really want to know where you stand with him, you could offer him a meeting to have a serious talk (maybe offered through a mutual friend or write him a letter) and see if he has any interest in talking to you. However, it is important that he knows why you want to talk. An invitation to casually hang out is IMO not the way to go. And I have to ask because I am not sure what you want. Do you want him to just talk to you again. Do you want to get back together or do want him as a platonic friend?

[Stockalone]

Awaiting your advice/thoughts…many thanks…

 

She sounds like a spoiled brat who doesn't know what she wants. Now that you have met someone she is unhappy with the status quo and therefore is being cruel/mean to you,

 

I agree with the others that staying away from her seems to be the best course of action. Don't show her that she is getting on your nerves, simply tell her she needs to grow up, or even better, simply keep NC and ignore her.

[SadHatter]

Hehe...

 

Well she just messaged me saying, "just wanna apologise. im an all round mess up atm.. im letting myself down in all aspects of things and shouldnt drag u into it like everyone else." So I replied and said, "you just need to grow up, i'm just way too mature for this". She replied and said, "u still have the nack to turn every conversation to be about you and how great you are. dick"

 

LOL...so that apology lasted long!

[jess77]

hey! aww you poor thing! Sounds like your a nice guy and you truly like this girl! but by the seems of things you may need to move on! i know it's hard and trust me i'm the WORST person to let go! easier said than done but not replying to her msgs and contacting her is the best thing you can do! i know it hurts and all you want to do is hear there voice and pretend like everything is ok again. but that's the thing it's not..? she's never going to say what you want her to say and even if she does mention something similar your always going to have doubts now that it’s really real and for how long! It seems like she is keeping you on the back burner just in case things with this guy don’t work out…you’re her safety net and that sucks for you! Silence sometimes can have a greater msg than hurtful words…

 

Just remember that you broke up becos it’s was broken! Whether you felt it at the time or not obviously she did and HONESTLY I’m a strong believer in everything happens for a reason! In time you may realise this was for the best especially cos she’s so young in a few years you’ll probably be ready for something really serious and she still has a lot of life to live no matter how mature she maybe. Once again you never know what’s going to happen but for the second maybe just focus on you and surround yourself with positive people and things you love doing! Good luck with it all! I’ll leave you with a quote that helped me…

 

…Letting go of past relationships is much like crossing the monkey bars you have to let go at some point to reach the other side.."

Edited April 3, 2008 by jess77

[mas21]

It sounds like after the break up, you had a relationship/friendship solely on your terms. You went to college and he was no longer good enough to be your bf. Then you used him when you needed a shoulder to cry on and complain about the jerks you met in college. Even though he has to blame himself for letting you treat him that way, it was a really mean thing to do on your part.

 

He was probably trying to be a nice person who wanted to be there for you but I consider that to be self-destructive behaviour. Maybe that is just my pride talking, but I couldn't do what your ex did without feeling like a complete loser.

 

Sure, you asked him if he wanted to be left alone but from what you describe him, he sounds like the guy who is afraid of even appearing to act like a jerk. So instead of telling you to leave him alone, he could have been hoping that you would someday simply stop contacting him. Was it always you that initiated contact those past few years?

 

You may think that he is behaving strangly or that he is even rude/mean, but I would say that it is a matter of self-preservation. Meeting face to face is a lot different compared to replying to a text message or e-mail here and there. If he really was that depressed or even had suicidal thoughts, I don't think he should meet with you.

 

If you really want to know where you stand with him, you could offer him a meeting to have a serious talk (maybe offered through a mutual friend or write him a letter) and see if he has any interest in talking to you. However, it is important that he knows why you want to talk. An invitation to casually hang out is IMO not the way to go. And I have to ask because I am not sure what you want. Do you want him to just talk to you again. Do you want to get back together or do want him as a platonic friend?

 

Well i completely understand what you are saying. I actually really miss him. I guess i had always been pretty mature before college, never really drank or was bad. Even when all his friends were partying and him included i would stay sober. Anyhow i kinda went backwards in college and drank alot and was not responsible. Now i am realizing how stupid i was and part of me never closed that door because i have always keep him near me. I am graduating and seeing that i am done with alot of things including some of my fake friendships i have made throughout college that involves only face value drinking friend. Its hard for me to say exactly how i feel because i want to see him and hug him and see how he is.

A week ago i wrote a email clarifying a bunch of the things i have done and explaining i did them. I thought he hadnt read it but tonight i texted him about it and he said he hasnt checked his email adn i am silly and what not. I also apologized for harassing him to hang out with me and that was it.

 

 

ps sorry for taking over ur post