iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Damn her to hell!!!, no more hope for me.. that's long gone.. ignore my previous threads of hope etc.. it's done and i'm gutted!
dfreeman Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 ...I'm just posting so nobody jumps all over you for only having two people in your thread Hang in there iWish - we're all here because we're busted-up inside and the healing only starts when you start to let go of hope. I am not bashing hope (especially in mum's case) - it actually helped me through the early dark stages of my breakup, but the real good stuff comes after you truly mourn the loss of it. Don't get down on yourself for anything you did in attempts to fix things with your ex...we spend too much time on here mapping out the perfect NC path, and glorifying that small chance that it has of turning the ex around (granted, that is because it carries the highest success rate). By the time most of us came here, we had already made similar mistakes to yours (some to a lesser degree - some greater) and still got on the path to some pretty healthy (albeit slow) healing. Sorry for your pain, but this is where the real work begins, dfree
Belkin Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Hey, welcome back! It's nice to have you here again! (irony) I'm sorry for you, really. I followed your second chance thread, it did seem hopeful! Well time to move on now. At least you're certain of your future with this girl. Try not to wallow in self-pity too much though, however hard that might be. Kick yourself in the ass and get moving to some brighter horizons!
wareagle Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Been there done that many times in the last year and half. Hopefully I have learned my lesson. Time to move on hoss.
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 ...I'm just posting so nobody jumps all over you for only having two people in your thread Hang in there iWish - we're all here because we're busted-up inside and the healing only starts when you start to let go of hope. I am not bashing hope (especially in mum's case) - it actually helped me through the early dark stages of my breakup, but the real good stuff comes after you truly mourn the loss of it. Don't get down on yourself for anything you did in attempts to fix things with your ex...we spend too much time on here mapping out the perfect NC path, and glorifying that small chance that it has of turning the ex around (granted, that is because it carries the highest success rate). By the time most of us came here, we had already made similar mistakes to yours (some to a lesser degree - some greater) and still got on the path to some pretty healthy (albeit slow) healing. Sorry for your pain, but this is where the real work begins, dfree That's a nice message, dfreeman. I wonder what's happened.... I hope he didn't get upset and angry and make a fight. I hope the scenario is fixable and he hasn't been hit from left field with new circumstances... Whatever happens, iwish, you sound like a very nice person and you should take yourself out to remember that!
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Right an update to why i'm back in this room... we emailed and then she sent this little heart breaker... Listen, I am going to be totally honest with you - cos that's what we do now, right. So I am really really wary and nervous and concerned about getting back into some 'situation' with you that's only going to end in tears. At this point in time I am not even nearly convinced that it will be a good thing, or work, if we get back together. So I'm unsure about whether going on dates with you is a good thing - it only gets your hopes up, I do things I shouldn't do (Sunday morning was not the right thing to do....) and I don't want us both to be hurt all over again. I know this doesn't sound great, but I'm only being honest that I have reservations... I enjoy going out with you, so think Saturday would be fun, but I don't want to encourage you in the wrong way right now if you can't deal with us 'just being friends'. Hmmm. So that didn't sound great. Sorry. i replied with.. OH MY GOD!.. and then joined this coping section.... because man i need to cope!! since then she emailed me again... No need to that reaction. Come on - spit it out. You can't have a go at me for being honest.... my reply.. I never had a go at you and i have no intention of doing so.. I'd rather not do this by email, it really sucks.. now if you want to meet tonight and chat (yes i'm free) then good.. Don't worry babe, if you don't want to be with me, then that's cool too.. her response.. I don't really know what to say... I don't know what you'd want to talk about. I thought that repeatedly I'd told you what my problems were (and hence the breaking up) but yet you wanted to ask me to go out on Sat night anyway, after I'd made it clear this wasn't us getting back together... Is me not wanting to be with you really cool? I mean...you wouldn't be trying so hard... me.. babe, face to face.. not like this?! then her highness... grrrr. i don't know. does that mean you don't want to do saturday? or can we not combine the two - conversations about stuff, and maybe a laugh?
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Oh iwish! I was so worried about you! It really sounds to me like you are handling this very well! You took all of that information in and handled yourself with grace and dignity. Are you still around?
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Hang on... so let me get this straight... so this chick... wants to still go out on 'dates' with you because it would be 'fun'... but she doesn't want to call them 'dates' cos that gives the wrong impression and might get your hopes up because she still actually wants to be single and free to muck about with other blokes (altho she hasn't said that yet, that's likely what would happen). So effectively she's asking you to give your permission to a friends-with-benefits situation...?! And she doesn't want to hurt you or get your hopes up. Ohhh-kaaaay then. I'm a chick. If a guy said this to me, I'd call him a cake-eater and dump him. Sorry but no way would I settle for down-grading my relationship AND allow that other person be free to shop around still. Sorry but that is SO disrespectful. You'd do well to quit it with her and walk away... hard as it is.
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Hang on... so let me get this straight... so this chick... wants to still go out on 'dates' with you because it would be 'fun'... but she doesn't want to call them 'dates' cos that gives the wrong impression and might get your hopes up because she still actually wants to be single and free to muck about with other blokes (altho she hasn't said that yet, that's likely what would happen). So effectively she's asking you to give your permission to a friends-with-benefits situation...?! And she doesn't want to hurt you or get your hopes up. Ohhh-kaaaay then. I'm a chick. If a guy said this to me, I'd call him a cake-eater and dump him. Sorry but no way would I settle for down-grading my relationship AND allow that other person be free to shop around still. Sorry but that is SO disrespectful. You'd do well to quit it with her and walk away... hard as it is. yes chinook, that's my point... it's ridiculous to say the least.. I mean come on what am i a dog? No i'm bloody not!!, but i cant help but feel she's treating me like one am i right or what?!
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) Do you want my honest opinon? I think that you subtly (unconciously or not) started to apply the pressure and she's responded with the breaks. It sounds as if she was pretty pissed at you for breaking up with her and that maybe you put her through the meat grinder (I'm sure she did her stuff to you too). It sounds as if things went very swiftly before and she's scared scared scared that moving out of 'let's test this' to full on big romantic date with pre-considered options etc is too much responsibility and vulnerabilty for her at this early stage. I think you did the best thing. Face to face is always best. I've been through that whole 'we're just being kind to one another, it's natural after a break up to miss one another' BS to know that you can only be sure of their 'words', sure of if they're serious about it being 'over', by being face-to-face. In my case, 99% of the times, his facade crumbled and it was readily apparent in his actions, if not his words. Ends up admitting that he didn't want to outright say 'we're back together' etc because then I'd hold it over his head and beat him with it if anything went wrong, that it was like a free pass for me to not do any work.... It sounds similar with her to me... What do you think? I'm not sure if she is doing FWB or not...Only you know her sexual history, ideas about having sex/spirituality/morality whatever. Edited April 2, 2008 by datingmum
Belkin Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Ouch, these emails must have hurt. Unfortunately there's nothing to talk about anymore with her. You can't explain feelings, they're not rational. When my ex dumped me, I wanted to know why, what it was I did or didn't do for her feelings to change. And she kept saying "I don't know, it's weird, I can't explain." And I think she really couldn't. Of course, me being too much of a nice guy probably had a lot to do with it, but there is no reason, no logical, understandable explanation she could give you that would satisfy you. She doesn't feel the attraction anymore, period. Nothing to discuss, nothing to explain, nothing you can do. If you look back on your 'errors' that could have led to your breaking up, even if you acknowledge them and promise to change, it won't help with her. You can't tell her "you should love me now because bla bla bla." What's gone is gone, and from her emails she seemed pretty clear about it. All she feels for you, sadly, is pity; that's why she won't be too harsh about the facts, and gives you hope. Being friends with someone who doesn't attract you is easy, being friends with someone you love and who loved you is impossible. The best you can do now is cut all contact, for real this time. Tell her to do the same, not to contact you anymore. There is no more pretending to be cool with it, no more pretending you've moved on, no more pretending you're seeing other girls. It's about you now, and the sooner you accept that the better. She's finished with you, she's looking at other guys now. It's going to hurt like hell again when you find out about her new bf, so the less you know about her life the better. Only you can decide what you're going to do now: either cry about the past and about her, or close this episode of your life and move on, using this relationship as an enriching experience to live a better life and better relations. So what is it? Self-pity or moving on?
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Also, Try to stop taking the victim mentality in this. You BOTH got you to this. She's not the 'bad guy' and you're not the 'good guy'. You're above that. You're the cool guy, the suave guy, the guy who frankly doesn't give a damn and will nod appreciatively while she blethers on about 'just being friends' until she's done and you just smile and kiss her. Remember that you need to trust your instincts. I know they fail you when out of her proximity, but within it, you must be feeling something that leads you to hope. It is up to you to navigate this situation if you so choose.
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 well DM, the thing is she broke up with me!!!! I was being moody about her getting stoned with 'super flatmate stoner' (yes i love him!) so she had enough and called it a day.. Now we did meet face to face, and i asked her to say what she said in the email to my face.. and she didn't.. she said it in a different manner.. now i told her that i will not be friends with her, that's not what i'm going or willing to do, i said yes we can go out saturday but i'm going to pursue her as that's all i can do with her (i fancy the pants of the girl!).. she admited to over thinking things and apologised for some of the comments in her emails.. she says she is very pessimistic about things, whereas i'm not... she also states that there are no guarantees about us.. and that's what she is scared of, that it might not end in a happy ending... Now i've since come home and we've spoken on the phone, she wants to hook up on Saturday, she knows that i'm going to try and kiss her etc.. and she is probably going to play hard to get.. because i tried tonight and that look was in her eyes, but she denied me , but you know what.. sod her.. i made it clear to her that yes i will chase her, but i will not chase somebody who does not want to be chased.. and yet she is coming on Saturday?
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 You know what? reading that again, I think that the simple fact she is telling you this, you respond with ...nothing (the right way!) and she then goads you by saying 'what, you're fine with that?' is a testament that she is full of sh*t. Most people breaking up for real feel relief at getting let out of those sticky conversations. I ran like hell from those sorts of conversations. It's painful and makes the dumper feel guilty. But her responses are just weird. It's not computing for me.
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Ok, sorry, thought it was opposite way around. But only you know how much you made an issue out of something. Did you tear her down with it? Did you insult her pride/dignity by not only assuming that because she was living with some other guy that she was interested in him but cause endless fights about it as well? What I'm saying is, how responsible do you feel about the breakup? That she is coming is your answer...
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Ouch, these emails must have hurt. Unfortunately there's nothing to talk about anymore with her. You can't explain feelings, they're not rational. When my ex dumped me, I wanted to know why, what it was I did or didn't do for her feelings to change. And she kept saying "I don't know, it's weird, I can't explain." And I think she really couldn't. Of course, me being too much of a nice guy probably had a lot to do with it, but there is no reason, no logical, understandable explanation she could give you that would satisfy you. She doesn't feel the attraction anymore, period. Nothing to discuss, nothing to explain, nothing you can do. If you look back on your 'errors' that could have led to your breaking up, even if you acknowledge them and promise to change, it won't help with her. You can't tell her "you should love me now because bla bla bla." What's gone is gone, and from her emails she seemed pretty clear about it. All she feels for you, sadly, is pity; that's why she won't be too harsh about the facts, and gives you hope. Being friends with someone who doesn't attract you is easy, being friends with someone you love and who loved you is impossible. The best you can do now is cut all contact, for real this time. Tell her to do the same, not to contact you anymore. There is no more pretending to be cool with it, no more pretending you've moved on, no more pretending you're seeing other girls. It's about you now, and the sooner you accept that the better. She's finished with you, she's looking at other guys now. It's going to hurt like hell again when you find out about her new bf, so the less you know about her life the better. Only you can decide what you're going to do now: either cry about the past and about her, or close this episode of your life and move on, using this relationship as an enriching experience to live a better life and better relations. So what is it? Self-pity or moving on? oh no Belkin i have to disagree there, the attraction is definitely still there, i do not think that is the issue at all.. I can tell that she's hot for me in a sexual way, one buy sunday morning and the other by when i look into her eyes.. there is definitely no issue about her not fancying me and she has even said that.. what other issues she has with me, i do not understand either.. at the moment she is claiming that she is scared of either of us getting hurt down the line.. which is very negative, but what can i do?.
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Ok, sorry, thought it was opposite way around. But only you know how much you made an issue out of something. Did you tear her down with it? Did you insult her pride/dignity by not only assuming that because she was living with some other guy that she was interested in him but cause endless fights about it as well? What I'm saying is, how responsible do you feel about the breakup? That she is coming is your answer... DM, i was a jealous bstd! i admit to that big time.. i still am, i guess... i didn't tear her down as such, i'm a sulker .. he was a big issue to our relationship and i guess could be again.. In all fairness to her she tried to reassure me at times, but the green eyed monster would make me sulk harder.. It used to annoy me that she went home to another man! a man who i worked with.. annoy the hell out of me.. that was our major issue.. and to be honest, could be again..
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 what other issues she has with me, i do not understand either.. Figuring this out for yourself on your own and deciding what you will/won't fix is vital for success in the future with her or other women. at the moment she is claiming that she is scared of either of us getting hurt down the line.. which is very negative, but what can i do?. Oh bollocks to this. It's just crap people say to abdicate responsibility for any negative outcome. Ignore it and follow your instinct. Don't let fear stop you from trying. Enjoy yourself and have fun. Can you take the results of the outcome, no matter what? Are you strong enough to? I think you are.
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I'm a jealous bastard too. You need to think about how that is often the tip of the iceberg, the bigger picture is underneath... the self-esteem issues. Clearly you are looking to her for your validation still sometimes, but you know, I do see chinks in this coming from you now, the cool hand luke responses, the ability to contain the anger/jealousy etc. I'm glad to hear you didn't rip her to shreds over your issues. But still, being a moody bastard is not much better. Poisons it all and she'll end up feeling not good enough. I reckon that if you end up going down this bumpy path and get to where you are both having fun and are 'back together' you might be able to ask her to move in again....
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 what other issues she has with me, i do not understand either.. Figuring this out for yourself on your own and deciding what you will/won't fix is vital for success in the future with her or other women. at the moment she is claiming that she is scared of either of us getting hurt down the line.. which is very negative, but what can i do?. Oh bollocks to this. It's just crap people say to abdicate responsibility for any negative outcome. Ignore it and follow your instinct. Don't let fear stop you from trying. Enjoy yourself and have fun. Can you take the results of the outcome, no matter what? Are you strong enough to? I think you are. Firstly how the hell do you do bold type on this?! yes it's true i will go on Saturday and i will be myself as i was tonight, when we were together and on the phone, she laughed at my humour and knows that i'm going to try and woo her.. yet she is still showing up on Saturday.. she doesn't have to come and seems to be actually looking forward to it.. I am scared that i'm going to be hurt after the day is over, bloody scared.. because i'm not that strong.. but i'm a lot stronger than i was 2 months ago, of that i can assure you.. i have girl no.2 to see tomorrow and i still hope that i will give up on my terms and not hers.. that will give me so much strength and definitely help me heal and move on..
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Just highlight the text and hit CTRL and B. Or highlight and us the B button above. Look, you are that strong. You've been doing it great! Just remember, whatever happens, bring your crap here, offload on us not her. I think that if you stay positive and keep it light, things will naturally progress.
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 yes that's my plan.. but i really am at the end of my tether, i can't be treated so badly by a girl.. it's just not fair! I am quite relaxed when i'm with her and so is she with me, it's the emails and texts that really get to me, that's why face to face is the only way to go... so i guess there won't be any contact from me until friday with the details of our date, yes i'm still organising everything (stupid i know) but last chance saloon!!... But i really do hope that i stop caring and just tell her to F.OFF because i do deserve better than this, we all do!
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Are you sure you feel this way? f.off? really? I mean, do you really feel like she's treating you so bad? Or do you understand what she is thinking but are willing to work to show her it ain't so?
Recommended Posts