Kamille Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 The thing about his son's mother was off topic- thats not my concern. I guess i started the thread because I was so excited and happy and at peace with the relationship and I thought everything was going so well and then his total turnaround and assh*le behavior really threw me off. THere really is no issue to "solve". I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than it is- he probably just had a bad day. But I just wonder if my feelings are totally off?? Because I feel like I'm bipolar or something (no offense to anyone with the condition) because I was on top of this world happy and content and he just blew those good feelings right out of the water with his petty crap. I dont get why he keeps doing things like this if he really wants to be with me?? I went from feeling all safe and loved and just totally into him and excited that this man is going to be my husband to wanting to get the h*ll away from him last night because he was being so "mean" toward both me and his son. The last time I had that feeling of utter happiness and peace in a relationship was several years ago with an ex and we'd been dating about four months and we'd had a great day and were sitting in his truck listening to a Sara Evans song and I just felt so happy with this guy and so at peace, not worried about a thing and so lighthearted and totally in love with him (and supposedly the feelings were mutual) Well the very next day I found out he was cheating on me. So maybe that is what triggered my feelings of anger and resentment that my fiance acted the way he did after a perfectly wonderful day the day before. Because I felt like it was such a letdown all over again. If that makes sense. Its like as soon as I feel "safe" and happy I get hurt. I'm of two minds here. First of all, I'm not sure I have read anything in any of your posts that would qualify him as an a55hole, but you know him best, you were there last night, so if something tells you this guy is an disrespectful and an a55hole, then you definitely have a lot of thinking to do. I mean, I'm sure Ann Landers has a rule somewhere that goes something like: don't marry a guy if you suspect he's an a55hole. Yet, he proposed and you accepted, so I'm guessing that deep down you think he's a great guy. The problem is that you are making him responsible for your happyness. You need to take responsibility for your own happyness and for your own emotions. Discover the magic of owning your emotions: he gets home and is in a psissy mood and you refuse to let it get to you. You validate his feelings and call him on his bad mood, try to figure out where it stems from, but refuse to take it personnally. You remain serene and calm. If you do this, there's an 90% chance his mood will improve. However, if you let his mood get to you, then you will both end up in dead-end conversations like last night, and you will spend the next day angry and upset, questionning his love for you. So you can take responsibility for your emotions and accept his bad moods without letting them get to you. People have bad days, people have mood swings. He's allowed to have a bad day and have a mood swing without it meaning he doesn't care for you. He can't be happy all the time. You need to be able to accept that.
dreamergrl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I agree with Kamile - you are responsible for your own happiness! I do know how it feels for those happy days to be far apart. If he's really upsetting you due to his words when he's having a bad day - just walk away from the situation. Go do something for yourself to make you feel good. Also, given that it wasn't just YOU that he was short with - all the more reason to know that it wasn't directed at you. It doesn't make it right, but it does show that it's most likely just a bad day. I'm sure you'll have a bad day too, and you'll want him to be just as understanding
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 lexi, if I recall correctly, your current fiancé, cheated with his ex, on you, and then cheated on his ex, with you. Are you certain this isn't affecting your judgement?
curiousnycgirl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 For ex. things with the wedding- he wanted no alcohol , I want it at the reception. As for the wedding itself, I got my way, we are getting married in a park with about 30 people in attendance, its the reception that is so expensive and out of control but he is now paying for most of it. You said it in the quote above posted by you on March 20th.
curiousnycgirl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 However back to the original question - as is said at least once in every post of yours - you two do not appear to be ready for marriage and have unresolved issues. You two need to deal with these issues before you can effectively move forward. I echo everything Kamille said btw. I also believe he was just suggesting his son's mother be there to egg you on. Guess it worked.
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I also believe he was just suggesting his son's mother be there to egg you on. Guess it worked. As in why it's so important for lexi to have her ex at the wedding? Eggs are being used as power tools...
curiousnycgirl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 UGH I overedited that quote! here it is as I wanted to post it. For ex. things with the wedding- he wanted no alcohol , I want it at the reception. He said ok and gave in and offered to pay for it. As for the wedding itself, I got my way, we are getting married in a park with about 30 people in attendance, its the reception that is so expensive and out of control but he is now paying for most of it.
Author lexi29 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 lexi, if I recall correctly, your current fiancé, cheated with his ex, on you, and then cheated on his ex, with you. Are you certain this isn't affecting your judgement? No, he never cheated on me. He ended our relationship abruptly because he wanted to date his ex. He then DID cheat on her with me about four days after they started dating (I didn't know they were dating). He left her about 3 weeks after he started dating her (she knew about him cheating but stayed with him anyway) Yes this does still have an effect on me. Not so much that I now know he is very capable of cheating on someone but because of how suddenly he just called things off with very little warning. We are getting past all of this slowly but thats why I have this very strong need to feel "safe" with him and when he starts petty arguments and finds fault with little things that I thought were already taken care of it makes me feel insecure. I need to take to heart what the MC keeps saying because it does seem to be true- that he realized what he lost when he left me and HE is the one who intiated getting engaged without any encouragement from me. its something he's never done before (he's 30) though he has had every opportunity (even the ex he dated for 3 weeks told him they should get married) with others he's dated and never wanted to take that step. But he wants to with me. And Kamile, no he's not an as*h*le. Just some of his behavior when he "jokes" about things is.
Author lexi29 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Thanks to everyone who gave their input. I appreciate it all. Curiousnycgirl, yes, I did say that and it is correct. He is paying for most of the reception- the dj, the hall rental, the decorations at the reception, half the alcohol etc. My parents are still paying for the catering though. Trialbyfire- if I interchanged the word "ex" with "good friend" would it make a difference? Why wouldn't I want a good friend at my wedding? My fiance is the only one who calls him my ex. I don't really even consider him an ex because I was 17 yrs old, we dated for about two months and our "dating" consisted of hanging out with groups of our friends, taking walks in parks etc. We didnt' sleep together and we kissed about a total of five times in the whole two months. We have been platonic friends ever since. We act more like girlfriends than anything romantic. No one in my family refers to him as my "ex". My own sister invited him to her wedding (it was a destination wedding) and he went. He is close with my family (he loves my dad). He is also friends with my best female friend. My fiance is inviting a girl who fits the exact definition that my "ex" does. He has been friends with her for years (she is now married) and they "dated" for about 3 weeks years and years ago. Think he was 15 at the time. He never slept with her. She is invited to the wedding and I have no problem with that. I haven't seen her in years (went to high school with her though we never really talked much) she's his friend and there is no reason he shouldn't invite her to the wedding in my opinion so he should "allow" me the same consideration. This guy friend of mine poses no threat to him or our relationship and he knows that. As for my fiance's ex (mother of his son) she is a true ex- they lived together and he was working two jobs because she wanted a ring. he kept putting off proposing (because he wasnt' ready) he was 21 at the time and she ended up cheating on him and moving out (before she told him she was pregnant) and left him for another guy (she also slept with his brother while she was living with him.) She made the next 8 years a living hell for him by playing tug of war with their son, disapearing from his life (son's) and then taking him away and not letting my fiance see him. He spent thousands of dollars taking her to court twice to get the custody agreement (and primary custody) that he has now. To this day she still screws him over- she is supposed to pick their son up for her visitation. But she talked him into meeting her five minutes from her mother's house (about twenty minutes away) and the last two times its been her weekend she REFUSES to show up on time or to call to say she'll be late. So my fiance took his son to meet her and she didnt' show up. No call or anything. She calls 2 hours later demanding him to meet her. Says she was busy, didn't feel like calling etc but is now ready to pick him up. A few weekends ago she was a no call no show for her weekend with her son. She didnt' call him all weekend. Last night she called him to ask him how his hamster was (was weird cause she NEVER calls him), she told him to tell us about djs she knows of, and she talked to him for about twenty minutes. She told him she loved him at the end of the call. I thought it was sweet of her to call him but it was sort of like WTF. Make up your mind, either act like he's your son and you love him ALL the time or leave him alone. Because their son is so confused about his mom's behavior. This is definately not someone I want at my wedding. And she won't be there. You all were right, he was just saying that to get a rise of out me.
Kamille Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Lexi, our opinions don't really matter on the topic of which exes should be invited and why. I personnally feel there is no objective right or wrong. This is your guest list, and the two of you will need to be able to make concessions to the other. We could agree with you, but so what? The person you should be discussing this with is your fiance. How are you going to go about talking about this with him?
Kamille Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 This is definately not someone I want at my wedding. And she won't be there. You all were right, he was just saying that to get a rise of out me. I'm curious. How did you find this out? And have you found out why he was trying to get a rise out of you?
Author lexi29 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I'm curious. How did you find this out? And have you found out why he was trying to get a rise out of you? I talked to him about it last night- told him if my guy friend being invited really bothered him I wouldn't invite him but I really do not want his son's mother there unless he and his son really want her to be there. He said he doesn't care if I invite my guy friend that he was just trying to see how worked up I would get about him saying that. And that he does NOT want his son's mother there. He even got mad at her last night when she was talking to his son and suggesting DJs to call. He said she doesn't need to concern herself with our wedding.
Kamille Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I talked to him about it last night- told him if my guy friend being invited really bothered him I wouldn't invite him but I really do not want his son's mother there unless he and his son really want her to be there. He said he doesn't care if I invite my guy friend that he was just trying to see how worked up I would get about him saying that. And that he does NOT want his son's mother there. He even got mad at her last night when she was talking to his son and suggesting DJs to call. He said she doesn't need to concern herself with our wedding. That sounds like a constructive conversation. The original point of your thread was that you didn't understand how you could feel really safe with him one day and then the next he acted in ways that made you feel unsafe. did you talk about what it was that was behind his desire to see how worked up you would get?
carhill Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 did you talk about what it was that was behind his desire to see how worked up you would get? Yeah, that's weird and possibly immature. Why would I smack my karma in the teeth by doing or saying something I know would PO my fiance? Testing her love for me? I guess maybe that works for some people...
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