what is wrong with this picture?

[lexi29]

I seem to have always had this problem with relationships. I am afraid to be truly happy and let my guard totally down because it seems every time I do I get hurt/disapointed. I am engaged to my SO and we are getting married and have been going thru some rough spots with planning the wedding etc. We settled some things and this last weekend was wonderful. We got to spend some alone time together and just relax and he was so sweet with me all weekend and we had some good open talks about things.

 

On Monday when I saw him for some reason I just had all these strong feelings toward him. I don't know if it is hormones or just being relaxed and loving him so much. The whole time we spent together I just wanted to keep hugging him and kissing him (not in a sexual way as we'd already had sex earlier). I felt 100% sure that marrying him is what I want and I just felt like everything was wonderful and I've never been happier. I had no worries. We joked around, we laughed, we helped his son with homework. I felt very connected to him and his son and I was watching them play hop scotch together and it was so cute and I looked at them and absolutely felt like one of the luckiest people in the world that they are going to be part of my family. That he is going to be my husband. It was like something finally clicked between us and I have no worries anymore. Every time he looked at me he'd give me this little grin and he kept pulling me close and telling me he loves me. When I went home that night I was so happy! Singing along to the radio just deliriously happy. I couldn't stop smiling. Just felt like everything was perfect in my life.

 

Yesterday at work, the feeling continued. I was just so happy and so excited about marrying him, that I will get to wake up every day and see him and his son. Just felt like there is nothing we can't work out. For once I was actually excited (and not stressed) about making wedding plans. No doubts at all.

 

Well when I went to see him after work yesterday he had to work late so I went shopping and then I picked up his son. His son and I played games till he got home. First thing I did was give him a big hug. Well when he gets home from work he is very dirty but I didnt' care. Well he snapped at me- I'm all dirty you are going to ruin your shirt." and didn't hug me back. His son had won a prize for being the top seller for selling the most pepperoni rolls in his class. He was very proud of the prize (even though his aunt did ALL of the selling for him) it was a little strobe light and I kept telling him how awesome it was and helped him put it together. Well when he showed his dad he just made fun of how cheaply it was made and started talking about how "thats all you got?!" and it made his son feel bad. I had made dinner and we sat down to eat and I had talked to my guy friend earlier and he'd told me how he got in trouble with his girlfriend for texting another woman at work. I was sharing this story with my fiance. Well out of nowhere he starts "joking" about how I am inviting exes to our wedding (my guy friend is I guess what you could call an ex as we dated for 2 months about 14 years ago and never had sex) But when I'd brought up inviting him as he is a good friend my fiance never had a problem with it before.

 

My fiance then says he is fine if his son's mother comes to the reception. I don't want her there and as far as I know neither did he. She has caused nothing but problems, she doesn't do anything for her own son, she has made my fiance drag her into court time after time. She abandoned her son for almost two years!! I've been around practically the whole time and I've seen what she's put both of them through. My fiance practically hates her. I don't like her and I've never talked to her before. So there is no way possible that I am going to let my parents have to pay for a meal for her and her boyfriend and their daughter. Besides they now live 2 hours away (and moved without even telling my fiance she was moving until the day before they moved). I had a feeling he was just saying it would be ok if she showed up just to get under my skin. So I called him out on it and he admitted that he was bothered by the fact that I'd talked to my guy friend and he feels that if he asked me not to invite him I would invite him anyway. HE said he wants me to invite my other ex that I am still friends with (a much more serious relationship) so he can "rub it in his face" that he's marrying me (instead of the ex). I almost had tears in my eyes because he was just being so frustrating. We'd had this whole talk this weekend about his "joking" and he told me he does that when he needs to talk about something serious but is afraid to bring it up with me. I have NO idea why he feels this way because in the past he's never been afraid of telling me exactly how he feels. We've been going to counseling (two sessions so far) and the counselor says that I have a lot of insecurities but I should feel secure in the fact that he wants to marry me because in my fiance's past practically every woman he's dated wanted to marry him and he wasn't ready so he left them. But in this case it is HIM who initiated the engagement and he's never been engaged before so its a huge step for him and shows he is very serious about me.

 

I just feel so confused as I was so happy yesterday and everything was great and the very next day its like he is a totally different person and I just wanted to get away from him and his passive-aggresive buls**t.

 

This always seems to happen to me. (and not just with this guy) but with everyone I date. I will think everything is great and will reach a point where I am so happy and in love and then boom, either I find out something bad the other person did or they see how happy I am and want to drag me down. Anyone ever feel like this?

[Kamille]

Is it possible he just had a really crummy day at work and was taking it out on his loved ones? I mean, in an ideal world, we would all be able to leave office angst at the office, but not many of us manage to do it.

 

At times like these, when I am confronted to someone else's sour mood, I do one of two things (or both)

 

Ask them how their day went and try to pick up, from what they say, where the tensions might be coming from.

 

Call them out on their behaviour nicely - usually with a sharp joke.

[lexi29]

It could have been a bad day, but I think it was because I mentioned my guy friend. Half the time he acts like he is ok with him and the other half he doesnt' like him. I did joke and ask him if he got up on the wrong side of the bed (before I got upset) and he turned it around and said I was the one who was grouchy. Well yes, after having a great day yesterday and then having him say he wouldn't mind if his son's mother comes to our wedding (when WE already decided she was not invited) and he was only doing this to push my buttons of course I am going to be grouchy. I just hate the roller coaster feeling- its happened in all of my relationships. Its like I'm not supposed to be happy or something.

[Trialbyfire]

It could have been a bad day, but I think it was because I mentioned my guy friend. Half the time he acts like he is ok with him and the other half he doesnt' like him. I did joke and ask him if he got up on the wrong side of the bed (before I got upset) and he turned it around and said I was the one who was grouchy. Well yes, after having a great day yesterday and then having him say he wouldn't mind if his son's mother comes to our wedding (when WE already decided she was not invited) and he was only doing this to push my buttons of course I am going to be grouchy. I just hate the roller coaster feeling- its happened in all of my relationships. Its like I'm not supposed to be happy or something.

lexi, why is it okay that you mention your guy friend and invite him to the wedding, when you don't want his ex-mamma's baby there? Perhaps it's time to start listening to what he's telling you.

[Kamille]

It could have been a bad day, but I think it was because I mentioned my guy friend. Half the time he acts like he is ok with him and the other half he doesnt' like him. I did joke and ask him if he got up on the wrong side of the bed (before I got upset) and he turned it around and said I was the one who was grouchy. Well yes, after having a great day yesterday and then having him say he wouldn't mind if his son's mother comes to our wedding (when WE already decided she was not invited) and he was only doing this to push my buttons of course I am going to be grouchy. I just hate the roller coaster feeling- its happened in all of my relationships. Its like I'm not supposed to be happy or something.

 

Well he was acting out on you guys right when he got home from the office (the hug, the prize). So no matter how he feels about your friend being at the wedding, the way he expressed himself on the friend topic was colored by the fact that he had had a crummy day. I'm curious, did you ask him how his day went and if everything went well at the office? Not that I'm saying that there is no validity to your claim that his bad mood was solely based on the fact it bothered him you were inviting exes at the wedding, just that in my experience, sudden outburst of anger about an unsuspecting topic are usually provoked by a combination of : bad day at work and I will find something else that bothers me here so I can keep being justified in being sour.

 

You are not responsible for his moods, but you are responsible for how you respond to them. It sounds to me like you fell right into a trap when he started joking about you inviting your exes. You already knew he was in a bad mood, and should have suggested that the two of you talk about this when you're both in a better mindspace.

 

As to inviting exes, if he has concerns about it, then I would say "fine, this is our day and if you don't want my ex there, then let's not invite him. You decide". This might take away some of the tensions and actually make him realize there is no reason to rule exes out. Or he might feel it is only fair that exes are exes and are just best left out of your special day.

[Kamille]

Also, Lexi, I am glad you are working on how your fears inform your reactions.

 

The MC is right: he is commited to you, he proposed.

 

I think you are still applying a 'into me/ not into me" philosophy to a situation that is way past that point. This is making you go into the extremes.

 

Instead, I would focus on the fact that you are both working on making your relationship stronger, and that it is in a lot of ways headed in the right direction, and that there some kinks that need to be worked out.

[Trialbyfire]

Oops, try baby's mama! More coffee plse...

[lexi29]

We already discussed inviting my guy friend (ex). He was ok with it when it was discussed. He did not want my other ex (friend) there and I understand that as the relationship was very serious and we were together for some time. I totally understand that and am fine with not inviting him. However the other guy (my fiance calls him an ex, I don't consider him one) is a good friend of mine and my fiance didn't have a problem with it when I first mentioned inviting him and his girlfriend. My fiance is the one who first said he wasn't going to invite his son's mother (said no way in hell would he invite her). She has put his son through so much. Also I've never spoken to her and all she does is talk trash about me and she's done nothing but cause problems for my fiance and she basically abandons her son. So she is not the type of person I want to share a special day with. I only got upset when he told her what day the wedding was, where the reception was etc and she said she'd be there and would make a toast (she was being sarcastic). I DON"T want her there. There is a big difference between my guy friend and his son's mother. My guy friend has never caused any problems or disrespected my fiance.

 

As far as him having a bad day at work, he always asks me how my day was when he gets home. I asked him the same and he said fine and didn't elaborate. I'm sure he was tired since he had to work late (till 7pm and he gets up at 4am) but I had picked his son up for him, helped him with his homework and made dinner for us so I didn't deserve him acting like he did.

[Trialbyfire]

So you're saying there are degrees of exes? What's okay for one person, isn't okay for the other? How does your b/f know for certain, what is going on in your mind? Is it okay to hurt or create insecurities in him, just because this is what you personally want? Does this cause him to lash out at you, even though he's trying to be understanding about your ex?

 

I'm giving you a potential other side. I get the feeling you're a sensitive person. Can you apply that sensitivity to your fiancé?

[Kamille]

As far as him having a bad day at work, he always asks me how my day was when he gets home. I asked him the same and he said fine and didn't elaborate. I'm sure he was tired since he had to work late (till 7pm and he gets up at 4am) but I had picked his son up for him, helped him with his homework and made dinner for us so I didn't deserve him acting like he did.

 

No, you didn't deserve it, but you needn't feel threatened by it, or needn't take it personnally.

 

My sister was really the kind to let her moods out on her loved ones, so I learned that the best strategy is to: aknowledge and validate their feelings, call them out nicely if they have crossed a line ("well I think that strobeline is fun. Honey, is everything ok?) then let things slide off your back. If the person keeps fishing for a fight, call them out on it bluntly. Say you would rather talk about whatever topic they choose at another time because you are starting to feel in a bad mood.

 

Do this a few times, and the point you'll get across is that you care and you have the R's best interest at heart.

[carhill]

OP, as a sensitive guy , my take regarding your fiance's ex is that you should communicate your perspective to him and it's up to him to set the boundary with her. Remember, unlike your male friend, he and she have a child together, one which is already a part of your shared lives. He proposed; you are getting the best of him. Revel in that, include the ex, suffer her attitudes for a day (better yet, ignore them) and take solace in the reality that the honeymoon is all yours

 

I assume she'll be in your life until the child is of age and likely long after that, so you can set the pace for how you'll react to her.

 

Regarding the cascading up and down emotions, that sounds pretty normal, for both of you. I would be worried if that wasn't happening

[lexi29]

So you're saying there are degrees of exes? What's okay for one person, isn't okay for the other? How does your b/f know for certain, what is going on in your mind? Is it okay to hurt or create insecurities in him, just because this is what you personally want? Does this cause him to lash out at you, even though he's trying to be understanding about your ex?

 

I'm giving you a potential other side. I get the feeling you're a sensitive person. Can you apply that sensitivity to your fiancé?

 

 

Thanks for the point of view. I do see it from his side- and honestly if he said look, I don't want "Dave" at the wedding, I would be disapointed because he is a good friend of mine and I'd like him to be there as he's practically family but I would respect my fiance's wishes. And yes, I do believe there are degrees of exes. I wouldn't invite my other ex that I'm still friends with because he and I were engaged at one point and lived together and though that was years ago I don't think its right for him to come to my wedding and I wouldn't want to be invited to his if he were to get married (although both of my exes were invited to my sister's wedding)

 

If I thought my fiance had an actual problem with "dave" being at the wedding I'd respect his wishes and not invite him. But I think its more about a control thing than an actual concern. Because when I first brought up inviting him he didn't have any problem with it. And when I asked if his son's mother was going to be invited and he said no way!! He does NOT like her and if you would hear some of the things he's said about her (when his son isn't around) you too would think that now him saying he doesn't mind if she comes to the wedding is just him trying to get under my skin. And actually if he wants to call my guy friend an ex then YES he is inviting one of his EXES to our wedding (her and her husband) She is an old friend of his and I went to high school with her. They dated when they were young- only for a few weeks and never slept together. EXACT SAME SITUATION only my guy friend and I talk more frequently and hang out much more then he and Amanda (his "ex") do. They haven't seen eachother in about 2 years and she is invited and I have absolutely no problem with it.

 

His son's mother, is a totally different situation, This is someone if he saw her on the street (and she wasn't his son's mother) he would probably rather run her over then help her if her car was broken down at the side of the road. She has literally scared their son for life with some of her careless and selfish behaviors. She won't even call her own son on his birthday and has NEVER shown up for any of his birthday parties though she's always been invited. One year she told her son she was coming to the party and then she never called, never showed and we all found out she went to a graduation party instead. So why would I ever want to invite someone like that to our wedding?

[Kamille]

Lexi, I still stand for the analysis that he was in a bad mood, for reasons as yet unclear, and that he was trying to pick a fight, any fight.

 

I get the impression that you took it way too seriously and are perhaps focusing on the icing, when the cake is the dynamic between the two of you.

 

Why don't you just both choose a better moment to discuss the issue of exes on the guest list? Make sure you are both in a serene mood.

 

I think you both let your moods and fears get in the way of a real conversation.

[dreamergrl]

I agree there are different levels of exes. Dating a man for two months is much different the sharing a child, or once being engaged. The level of commitment and time vested is way different.

 

I really think that he was just having a bad day. I think it's perfectly normal for this to happen time to time. Actually, I'd find it abnormal for one to never express a bad day in some way.

 

It does not excuse his behavior by any means. If the ex thing is still an issue, sit down and talk to him when everyone is in a good state of mind (not crabby, or upset). Explain why you feel him having his ex there and yours there is different in your eyes - let him know that if he truly is uncomfortable with your ex being there, that you'll understand.

 

Bad days are bound to happen - it's just a part of life. Chin up and good luck with the wedding plans!

[Trialbyfire]

Lexi, I still stand for the analysis that he was in a bad mood, for reasons as yet unclear, and that he was trying to pick a fight, any fight.

 

I get the impression that you took it way too seriously and are perhaps focusing on the icing, when the cake is the dynamic between the two of you.

 

Why don't you just both choose a better moment to discuss the issue of exes on the guest list? Make sure you are both in a serene mood.

 

I think you both let your moods and fears get in the way of a real conversation.

I completely agree with this suggestion. Throw the cards on the table and find out what he really thinks. Make sure you both come from the position of trying to understand each other, rather than a finger-pointing session.

 

I also agree that his ex will always be in the picture because there's no restraining order on her. She is the biological mother of his son. You don't have a choice in the matter, unless she decides not to bother being part of her son's life. Your fiancé has to stand firmly by your side, about issues regarding his ex. Until he does, to the point where you no longer have insecurities regarding her, she's going to linger like a bad smell. He has no choice and neither do you.

 

Your ex is in your life through personal choice by you.

[lexi29]

I don't have insecurities about his ex- I just do not like her and it has little to do with how she behaves toward me. It has everything to do with how she neglects, manipulates and basically (emotionally) abuses their son.

 

I know she will always be in their lives and thats fine but that doesnt mean she is entitled to attend our wedding. My fiance was the first one to say NO WAY to inviting her (I asked if she was being invited as the weekend in question she has visitation of their son) He said he does not want her there and that he will just ask her to switch weekends and if she doesn't he will invoke his vacation week (he gets to choose two weeks each year where he has his son the entire time (including the mother's normally every other weekend).

 

 

Yes, my fiance has no choice that his ex is still around. But he does have a choice in whether he choses to include her on our guest list. My problem is that he is only now saying he doesn't mind if she is invited (HE's not paying for the food, my parents are and I'm not having them waste money on someone like her) in retaliation because he claims he's now bothered that my guy friend in invited. So he totally did a 180 on both of his feelings (first was ok with my guy friend being invited and said NO WAY to his son's mother being there) Did everyone miss where I pointed out that his "ex" (girl he dated for a few weeks and never slept with) that he is still friends with is invited and I have no problem with that. My guy friend is more the equivalent of her then being compared to his son's mother.

 

I agree it was probably just a bad day for him. It stood out as much more to me because of the stark contrast between how wonderful I felt about everything on Monday (and the weekend) and how hurtful he was acting toward me yesterday. It was like I was on cloud nine all happy and feeling wonderful and then someone shoved me off into the shock of cold water.

[dreamergrl]

I don't have insecurities about his ex- I just do not like her and it has little to do with how she behaves toward me. It has everything to do with how she neglects, manipulates and basically (emotionally) abuses their son.

 

I know she will always be in their lives and thats fine but that doesnt mean she is entitled to attend our wedding. My fiance was the first one to say NO WAY to inviting her (I asked if she was being invited as the weekend in question she has visitation of their son) He said he does not want her there and that he will just ask her to switch weekends and if she doesn't he will invoke his vacation week (he gets to choose two weeks each year where he has his son the entire time (including the mother's normally every other weekend).

 

 

 

Yes, my fiance has no choice that his ex is still around. But he does have a choice in whether he choses to include her on our guest list. My problem is that he is only now saying he doesn't mind if she is invited (HE's not paying for the food, my parents are and I'm not having them waste money on someone like her) in retaliation because he claims he's now bothered that my guy friend in invited. So he totally did a 180 on both of his feelings (first was ok with my guy friend being invited and said NO WAY to his son's mother being there) Did everyone miss where I pointed out that his "ex" (girl he dated for a few weeks and never slept with) that he is still friends with is invited and I have no problem with that. My guy friend is more the equivalent of her then being compared to his son's mother.

 

I agree it was probably just a bad day for him. It stood out as much more to me because of the stark contrast between how wonderful I felt about everything on Monday (and the weekend) and how hurtful he was acting toward me yesterday. It was like I was on cloud nine all happy and feeling wonderful and then someone shoved me off into the shock of cold water.

 

As I mentioned earlier - I agree that the degree of exes between the son's mother and your ex that is still a close friend. Really - just point out your views to him - wait till the time is right, and have a talk about how yesterday felt for you. Express how much joy the other days brought to you and how great it made you feel! As much as we all want them, those perfect days can't happen all the time - but I think they happen more when we encourage them.

[carhill]

Whoa, take a deep breath... whenever the "my parents are paying for this and no way are they waste money on feeding her" card comes out, it's time for a break

[curiousnycgirl]

Whoa, take a deep breath... whenever the "my parents are paying for this and no way are they waste money on feeding her" card comes out, it's time for a break

 

Not only that - but this is a direct contradiction to an earlier post where you said HE was paying for almost everything. Come on, what's the truth?

[lexi29]

Not only that - but this is a direct contradiction to an earlier post where you said HE was paying for almost everything. Come on, what's the truth?

 

 

I don't remember ever saying he was paying for everything. Here's the breakdown

my parents are paying for the caterer which is something like $21 per person and we are already having 120 people.

I am paying for the photographer, my dress, some decorations, invitations, flowers, and of course things like bridal party gifts.

My fiance is paying for the officiant, the reception hall, the dj, the chair rental for the wedding,the marriage license, his tux rental and possibly the tux rental of all his groomsmen, the cake, the cookies, some decorations, and we are splitting the cost of the alcohol. (well he offered to pay for all of the alcohol but since I'm the one who wanted it and not him I thought I'd split that cost with him.

[lexi29]

This isn't what this post is about but I honestly don't see what is wrong with not wanting my fiance's son's mother at the wedding or reception? She lives two hours away now and doesnt' even involve herself in her own SON's life unless she is forced (by the court) to. This is a woman who my fiance practically hates. He tolerates her only because of their son and she has made his life a living hell at times (taking his son away from him and telling him he can't see him after she abanoned their son for TWO YEARS) Making him have to spend a lot of time and money going to court to get custody. Bouncing in and out of their son's life. For the last six years (long as I've known him) all I've ever heard are bad things about her. I have never talked to her (I've seen her as I've been there when my fiance drops his son off etc) and she has bad mouthed me to both my fiance and his son. I really don't care about that part but she is a sh*t stirrer and the type of person who would deliberately do something to dampen the happy mood of a wedding day.

 

She doesn't attend anything that has to do with her own son (doesn't show up for birthday parties, open houses at school, soccer games, she even skipped seeing him on Christmas four years!! So what right does she have to come to her son's dad's wedding? None at all in my opinion and its not a big deal because my fiance didn't want to invite her in the first place and isn't going to now. He was just saying that to try to evoke a reaction out of me , which I do not appreciate. A wedding is to be shared with close friends and family that you care about and that you want to enjoy the day with. Those who you aren't close to or aren't related to have no business being there.

[carhill]

From the progression of your OP, my bet is there was something going on under his surface for awhile that bubbled up, both in his demeanor and comments. You reacted, if I'm reading right, to those signals, which started the cycle where we ended up talking about the son's mother. The issue goes back to your fiance, IMO. What do you think?

 

As a guy, sometimes, when my boxes touch, stuff spills out That's what I'm talking about.

[Legend]

ok.. .i might be blind, but i've read through this thread like 5 times and don't see any pictures to look at... do you mean figuratively?

[Kamille]

He was just saying that to try to evoke a reaction out of me , which I do not appreciate.

 

So what you're upset about was that he was purposefully trying to get you to react?

 

It's not clear to me what it is you are most upset about and how you want to go about solving the issue.

 

Or perhaps it isn't clear to me what kind of advice you want from us? Do you want us to validate you that he was wrong to say things just to get a reaction out of you? Certainly, it was wrong. Is what he did forgivable? Absolutely. Does it mean you two love each other less? I don't think so. Do I think your main issue is who is on the guest list? Nope.

 

But tell me, what is the main issue for you right now?

[lexi29]

So what you're upset about was that he was purposefully trying to get you to react?

 

It's not clear to me what it is you are most upset about and how you want to go about solving the issue.

 

Or perhaps it isn't clear to me what kind of advice you want from us? Do you want us to validate you that he was wrong to say things just to get a reaction out of you? Certainly, it was wrong. Is what he did forgivable? Absolutely. Does it mean you two love each other less? I don't think so. Do I think your main issue is who is on the guest list? Nope.

 

But tell me, what is the main issue for you right now?

 

 

The thing about his son's mother was off topic- thats not my concern. I guess i started the thread because I was so excited and happy and at peace with the relationship and I thought everything was going so well and then his total turnaround and assh*le behavior really threw me off. THere really is no issue to "solve". I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than it is- he probably just had a bad day. But I just wonder if my feelings are totally off?? Because I feel like I'm bipolar or something (no offense to anyone with the condition) because I was on top of this world happy and content and he just blew those good feelings right out of the water with his petty crap. I dont get why he keeps doing things like this if he really wants to be with me?? I went from feeling all safe and loved and just totally into him and excited that this man is going to be my husband to wanting to get the h*ll away from him last night because he was being so "mean" toward both me and his son.

 

The last time I had that feeling of utter happiness and peace in a relationship was several years ago with an ex and we'd been dating about four months and we'd had a great day and were sitting in his truck listening to a Sara Evans song and I just felt so happy with this guy and so at peace, not worried about a thing and so lighthearted and totally in love with him (and supposedly the feelings were mutual) Well the very next day I found out he was cheating on me. So maybe that is what triggered my feelings of anger and resentment that my fiance acted the way he did after a perfectly wonderful day the day before. Because I felt like it was such a letdown all over again. If that makes sense. Its like as soon as I feel "safe" and happy I get hurt.