Realization

[Gwyneth]

I'm not putting blame on her, because I placed myself in this situation, but yes, I feel that she is a bit unbalanced. She has said that she would never be safe around them. She has screamed in the background while her husband was on the phone with me that she hoped I had a miscarriage. My son was born with problems (cord around neck three times and a knot in the cord), and she said that she wished she could be there to turn off the oxygen.

I realize that I would be angry if I were in her shoes, but I would NEVER threaten the life of a child. Who does that, honestly? The situation just escalated to really ugly really quickly as soon as she found out. I'm not saying that is always the case. As I said, she is not exactly balanced.

Positive aspect is that I recorded a phone conversation between MM and myself. Within it, he states that she would never properly care for them, and that she would never want them. He knew I was recording it so it is admissible in court (yes, I have him on the recording saying that he didn't care that I recorded it).

I take responsibility for my actions entirely, but sometimes I think that his W blames only me for her problems. She puts no responsibility on him whatsoever. It's interesting from time to time, let me tell you.

 

She sounds like a loony bird to me. KEEP HER AWAY FROM THE KIDS!!!!

 

Well for one, it's not Her fault her husband had an affair and impregnanted his mistress 2x--but it is her fault that she continues a marriage based on hurt and distrust. For that, she cannot blame the innocent children. If she is unable to realize that herself, then she has more issues than delies have rolls. And he puts up with her saying these things? I'd question his sanity around the kids too--which is why you probably want supervised visitation for them, I am assuming. Good Lord MWC! This is a BAD situation. Threatening lives of innocent children AND hoping for a misscarriage or a death of a baby is just insane. She needs to check into Bellevue ASAP.

[mistresswchildren]

MM e-mailed me today. To this I did not respond. He also called me. I actually answered because the military has been trying to get a hold of me about my daughter's medical insurance. I thought it was them, but it was him calling me from Iraq. I told him that I was glad that he was okay, but that I had to go. I didn't make chit chat. I didn't say I love you. I told him that I wanted to stop talking unless it had to do with the children. He was on one of those satellite phones from Iraq, so before he had a chance to say that wasn't what he wanted, we got cut off. I think that is for the best. I really do have a lot more to concentrate on right now. My days are filled with diaper changes, and school work. I don't need his drama in my life. I am certain that I will receive another e-mail from him soon. I'll keep you posted.

[Gwyneth]

Well good for you At least you are following your own orders, and moving along. Keep up the good work

[LakesideDream]

MistressWithChillins,

 

My comments to you here are not specifically targeted to this thread, they are general spanning your various threads.

 

First, congratulations for finding LoveShack, participating, and gaining from it. Your situation is complicated, while not unique, it is an unusual one. As a former Marine Corps officer, I am very displeased with your MM's behavior. He has and is showing a disturbing lack of responsibility. There is a reason the Military and the UCMJ (uniform code of military justice) frowns on extramarital relationships, it's to cover exactly the situation you are currently in. Your MM is not living up to his committments. The men he commands may be affected by his lack of responsiblity toward both his original family and yours. I can only speculate that taking orders from a deadbeat dad would be very difficult for many. You are between a rock and a hard place. "Out" him, and he loses his career. Remain silent and allow the status quo, and deprive your children of the standard of life they deserve.

 

It seems from reading that you have pretty much given up on the MM romanticly. This is a difficult thing to do. Not impossible. If it really is your long term goal you will succeed. It might not be. You may love this man enough to make the sacrifices necessary to be with him either full or part time. That's your decision. I know from personal experiance that your feelings on that matter can change from hour to hour, day to day. For that I cannot blame or critisize you, and I won't. One of the most difficult things I have lived with in my almost 58 years is the decision to help my son, and sacrifice my best oppertunity for true romantic love. I have lived with that decision every day for seven years. I don't beat myself up about it though. I did the best I could. If you believe the decisions you make are the best you can, don't hurt yourself if it doesen't work out perfectly.

 

MWC, look out for your chillin's first. My greatest accomplishment in life is sacrificing for, raising, and loving my chillin's. While the jury's still out on my son (literally sometimes), my daughter is flying through life with an excellent career, and happiness in general. That ain't bad. Do your best with your chillin's and you will never regret the effort.

 

I wish you all the best. Your life, and your decisions are and will continue to be difficult ones. With hard work, and a little luck, it'll turn out OK. Keep posting, share your situation. There are people here listening.

[mistresswchildren]

MistressWithChillins,

 

My comments to you here are not specifically targeted to this thread, they are general spanning your various threads.

 

First, congratulations for finding LoveShack, participating, and gaining from it. Your situation is complicated, while not unique, it is an unusual one. As a former Marine Corps officer, I am very displeased with your MM's behavior. He has and is showing a disturbing lack of responsibility. There is a reason the Military and the UCMJ (uniform code of military justice) frowns on extramarital relationships, it's to cover exactly the situation you are currently in. Your MM is not living up to his committments. The men he commands may be affected by his lack of responsiblity toward both his original family and yours. I can only speculate that taking orders from a deadbeat dad would be very difficult for many. You are between a rock and a hard place. "Out" him, and he loses his career. Remain silent and allow the status quo, and deprive your children of the standard of life they deserve.

 

 

Lakeside

I have thought about "Outing" him for a number of reasons. One is because he wasn't taking care of his child support. Two is because of exactly what you were talking about. There are times when I am sincerely concerned for his soldiers. I have informed the military of his original indiscretion, but it fell on deaf ears. His commander at the time was on her way out. She pretty much did not feel like doing the paperwork. I then started an IG investigation when he was not taking care of his daughter. That got him to sign an agreement with the state in a hurry.

The issue is, if the military doesn't want to do something, they won't. I have been told by many soldiers that he lives in a different military than they do, but what has happened has happened. I have verifiable proof, but I have not pushed any farther because I feel that it really would not help anyone at this point.

If he lost his job, he would not be able to provide child support (let's face it he wouldn't be able to find many jobs if dishonorably discharged). Also, I think that at this point it would only be looked at as an angry woman's revenge. The less I do to him, the better I am as a person. There is a very fine line between love and hate. I would prefer to have no feeling toward him rather than hatred for him because that is an intense feeling that has many detrimental affects on me. There is just no point to pursue UCMJ at this point. Let him have his career. I know for one thing that he will never promote past a certain level because of the IG investigation.

He will get what he deserves in the end. No matter what, I do not feel that it is my responsibility to make that happen any longer. He has done what he has done and one way or another he will be punished for it. Also, it may be hard in later years for this man to hide is indiscretions from the military. I just hope that his soldiers are not affected by it. I pray every night for the men that he commands because I do not know what might happen to them with him as their OIC.

[MimiMe]

I wish for paragraphs... Hard on the eye!

 

I wish you strenght. Pray! Pray for strenght and he delivers it. No trial has been shown to you, which is unknown to men. G*d is faithfull and he doesn't forsake... with the trial he also shows you the way out!!

Ask and he'll deliver!!!

[mistresswchildren]

Sorry, i forget about the paragraphs. I hit return, but I guess I should hit it twice. I'll make sure I do that on my next post.

[mistresswchildren]

I am surprised to find that the MM has now e-mailed me four times since our conversation yesterday. I have not responded, but he is not happy and threatening me with things related to the kids. He has always made excuses up to this point about why he cannot see them and now he wants joint custody. LOL. He would never in a million years get it, but I honestly think that he doesn't really want it either. I think that he is just threatening me because I won't respond to him. I have always told him that he is free to see our children. I am not sure why, at this point, that he is telling me that he wants joint custody. I think that he has come unhinged. I guess fighting a war will do that to a person, but really he needs to take a step back.

 

I am not being vein either. I realize that he could very well want joint custody, but when I hear excuse after excuse about why he cannot be there for the kids, I do find it highly doubtful. Who knows. Maybe he just came to a realization that what he has done is unacceptable because up until this point I was enabling him to lie about everything. I allowed it, and his W allowed it. There were no consequences. Maybe that is why he wants to see the kids. Maybe he realized that there are very real consequences for his stupidity and he doesn't want to lose contact with the kids (which would never happen as long as he really wanted it). I really do think that it is just his ploy to get me to talk to him because he has never been interested in it before.

 

I suppose that all of this will pan out in the end. It's not like he can try to sue me for custody while he is in Iraq. If he keeps up these e-mails, then maybe he does care for them, but I am betting that as soon as he realizes that I am not going to respond, he will stop asking for things like that. He will recede into the shadows once again. This is why I typically refer to him as the sperm donor instead of my children's father. When you put no effort into helping raise the kids does that make you a "Daddy"?

[MimiMe]

I am surprised to find that the MM has now e-mailed me four times since our conversation yesterday. I have not responded, but he is not happy and threatening me with things related to the kids. He has always made excuses up to this point about why he cannot see them and now he wants joint custody. LOL. He would never in a million years get it, but I honestly think that he doesn't really want it either. I think that he is just threatening me because I won't respond to him. I have always told him that he is free to see our children. I am not sure why, at this point, that he is telling me that he wants joint custody. I think that he has come unhinged. I guess fighting a war will do that to a person, but really he needs to take a step back.

 

I am not being vein either. I realize that he could very well want joint custody, but when I hear excuse after excuse about why he cannot be there for the kids, I do find it highly doubtful. Who knows. Maybe he just came to a realization that what he has done is unacceptable because up until this point I was enabling him to lie about everything. I allowed it, and his W allowed it. There were no consequences. Maybe that is why he wants to see the kids. Maybe he realized that there are very real consequences for his stupidity and he doesn't want to lose contact with the kids (which would never happen as long as he really wanted it). I really do think that it is just his ploy to get me to talk to him because he has never been interested in it before.

 

I suppose that all of this will pan out in the end. It's not like he can try to sue me for custody while he is in Iraq. If he keeps up these e-mails, then maybe he does care for them, but I am betting that as soon as he realizes that I am not going to respond, he will stop asking for things like that. He will recede into the shadows once again. This is why I typically refer to him as the sperm donor instead of my children's father. When you put no effort into helping raise the kids does that make you a "Daddy"?

 

 

If he's in and out of the kids life, state your case. At the end of the day family court looks after the best interest of the children involved. There are a lot of factors that can go in your favor at court. Being a war veteran is a very traumatic experience, especially in this war on terror. We are not at Vieques basically bomb testing nowadays. We have been in an actual war! All his screws can be loosen by the time he's recalled back home.

 

He is probably used to taking you by the bones and perhaps knows your weaknesses. Come out strong if you have to! If he threatens you, dont just sit there and take it! Come out with some tricks of your own or let him have a piece of reality and bluntly let him know how he's no more than a "sperm donor" in his children's eyes. Have you done this before? If all fails, then you are in for a bumpy ride for this dude. I wish you luck and strenght.

[Gwyneth]

I am surprised to find that the MM has now e-mailed me four times since our conversation yesterday. I have not responded, but he is not happy and threatening me with things related to the kids. He has always made excuses up to this point about why he cannot see them and now he wants joint custody. LOL. He would never in a million years get it, but I honestly think that he doesn't really want it either. I think that he is just threatening me because I won't respond to him. I have always told him that he is free to see our children. I am not sure why, at this point, that he is telling me that he wants joint custody. I think that he has come unhinged. I guess fighting a war will do that to a person, but really he needs to take a step back.

 

I am not being vein either. I realize that he could very well want joint custody, but when I hear excuse after excuse about why he cannot be there for the kids, I do find it highly doubtful. Who knows. Maybe he just came to a realization that what he has done is unacceptable because up until this point I was enabling him to lie about everything. I allowed it, and his W allowed it. There were no consequences. Maybe that is why he wants to see the kids. Maybe he realized that there are very real consequences for his stupidity and he doesn't want to lose contact with the kids (which would never happen as long as he really wanted it). I really do think that it is just his ploy to get me to talk to him because he has never been interested in it before.

 

I suppose that all of this will pan out in the end. It's not like he can try to sue me for custody while he is in Iraq. If he keeps up these e-mails, then maybe he does care for them, but I am betting that as soon as he realizes that I am not going to respond, he will stop asking for things like that. He will recede into the shadows once again. This is why I typically refer to him as the sperm donor instead of my children's father. When you put no effort into helping raise the kids does that make you a "Daddy"?

 

The excuse thing is what I fear...

 

I'm learning from you, MWC, since you are currently in a similiar situation. Although your babys' daddy is in Iraq--my baby's daddy is here.

 

I think without a doubt that if a parent really wants to be a parent, and wants to be a part of the child(ren)'s life(lives), then there will NEVER be an excuse not to see them. I don't doubt the absent parent's love for their child(ren), but c'mon--excuses to see your child is unacceptable (unless it's legitimate, but then it's not an excuse--it's a reason).

 

**sigh**

[LakesideDream]

MistressWithChillins,

 

Lighten up on that Sperm Donor thing. It's without a doubt the most hurtfull thing my ex said to me after the divorce. It cuts deep, and lasts forever, whether it's true or not. You will not make things better with insults.

 

While it may feel good in the short term, remember you have 15+ years you will have to deal with this jerk coming up.

[mistresswchildren]

Lake

Your xW probably said it out of anger whereas I honestly do not know what other title to give to him. He is not their "Daddy" by any stretch, and a "father" at least takes care of their children financially. At this point that is pretty much what he is. If you do not fit that description, then your xW was just angry when she said it. Things get ugly in divorces. I have witnessed four already through my parents. I no longer say that my parents are on their third marriage, I say they are working on their third divorces. I have seen the hateful things that they have said to each other and their second spouses, I do not envy anyone that has to go through that experience. Trust me Lake, from what you have posted here about your son, you are MUCH MORE than a sperm donor.

[Never_Again]

 

I slept with a married man, and I suppose that my penance is to hurt every time I think of him (which is a lot because both of our children look very much like their father). I think I just need a lot of support. I cannot get it anywhere else. This is my only safe haven. Any word of encouragement or wisdom from those of you who read this could really help. Thank you all for you insight and support to date. I may be new here, but for the most part, those who post here are here to help. They are here to say, "I've been where you are, and I don't want to see you hurt any more." That is why I post so often. That is why I continue coming here.

 

I am right there with you. I think about him all the time. Especially since our child looks so much like him. UGH. I just wish these thoughts would go away... or would at least balance out. Because I either REALLY HATE HIM or I feel REALLY SAD about not being with him. Sucks....

 

But I understand where you are coming from. This is definitely my only "safe" haven where I can talk about this. Blah....

[mistresswchildren]

I am right there with you. I think about him all the time. Especially since our child looks so much like him. UGH. I just wish these thoughts would go away... or would at least balance out. Because I either REALLY HATE HIM or I feel REALLY SAD about not being with him. Sucks....

 

But I understand where you are coming from. This is definitely my only "safe" haven where I can talk about this. Blah....

 

Sometimes it is almost weird that I can love my children sooooo much, who look like him, and dislike their father so much. It is really conflicting. They are the best things in my life, and this is the ONLY reason why I cannot say that I hate him. My children are my world. Without them, the rest would seem kind of pointless. There are days when I really wonder how much I regret all of this. How do you regret something that brought you the most wonderful additions in your life?

 

I think that I regret only the hurt and pain that I have gone through and that his W has gone through. Any pain that he has caused him self is deserved in its entirety. I just have to keep remembering that every day.

[NoIDidn't]

First off, I admit that I haven't read the entire thread, but wanted to encourage you.

 

You can do it. He is angry now because he is afraid that you are going to ask for child support if you aren't already getting it. And if you do, his command will hear about his A with you and he may even be court marshalled for that. So he is freaking out.

 

But you are making the best decision for yourself and your kids. In time, things will settle down. Of course, you will hear things from him that you never knew he thought as well. Don't let it get to you. Know that you are making the best decision.

 

Not to mention, I still think about some of the ex-bfs from my past that weren't even MM. What you are feeling is normal. Hope really doesn't spring eternal.

[LakesideDream]

Lake

Your xW probably said it out of anger whereas I honestly do not know what other title to give to him. He is not their "Daddy" by any stretch, and a "father" at least takes care of their children financially. At this point that is pretty much what he is. If you do not fit that description, then your xW was just angry when she said it. Things get ugly in divorces. I have witnessed four already through my parents. I no longer say that my parents are on their third marriage, I say they are working on their third divorces. I have seen the hateful things that they have said to each other and their second spouses, I do not envy anyone that has to go through that experience. Trust me Lake, from what you have posted here about your son, you are MUCH MORE than a sperm donor.

 

MistressWithChillins, I was pointing out something that caused me pain. Obviously you will have a long period of time dealing with this guy (who from your descriptions I would call a "jerk") It's in both your childrens, and your best interests to have at worst, a cordial relationship with him. A cordial relationship will only benifit you and your kids. My guess is that no man who thinks of himself as a "sperm donor" will be willing to make sacrifices for his children.

 

If I were his friend, father or CO, I would be encouraging him to make those sacrifices. If he told me that the childrens mother only viewed him as a "sperm donor" I don't know that I would have an adaquate answer for why he should do more than the legally required minimum. He must have been more than a "sperm donor" at the time of his "donations"..

 

The way to make things happen is with positive reinforcement, thus the phrase "Thank you". While I wouldn't ask you to thank him, I would reccoment civility, as no harm can come from being civil.

 

You are correct that my ex said that to be hurtfull, and it worked. I was a full time Dad, who did at least as much to raise them as she did. I was the involved and interested parent, and still am now that they are adults. Nevertheless, it hurt like hell to be called a "sperm donor".