I am having such a hard time letting go!

[THEBIGARC]

Well, I have been going through this of all for over two months and I am having such a hard time letting go. My story is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t145432/

 

I went to the the counselor yesterday and we worked out so much, but it is still hard. I feel like I am losing my life. I am losing my W, my new house, and my family. I get my son 3 days a week, but I want him everyday! I know the W and I were never meant for each other. She has moved on the OM, and she should be with him. She loves him more than she ever loved me and he probably loves her more than I ever loved her. It is just that we have been together for 6 yrs and I am so used to having her. I know time will heal it, but this time right now is almost unbearible. I tell my self to stop talking and thinking about it so much. My work is being affected by it. The only happiness I get is see my boy, but then I feel sad too because he reminds me of what I am losing. I am going over to our old house tonight to get the rest of my things and give her the key back and sign the papers. I guess this will be closure. I feel like I am dying inside. I hope this is just the old life dying and I will have a rebirth. I am sick of crying. I want to just run away from everyone and everything. This is going to be my 2nd divorce in 8 yrs. I never thought I would ever get one divorce, let alone 2! Thanks for letting me vent! Comments are welcomed!

[smileysmile]

You sound like a reflection of me and my situation.

 

Everything you just said is me.

 

It is my second divorce or soon to be in 8 yrs to. Both my fault or rather my behaviour that caused my wives to say..I am outta of here!

 

Will I learn??

 

From what I gather it is the men who are hurting more, especially when a child is involved and it is the mother who has the child so we are limited to access

And the fact we have to keep seeing our exes by calling to pick our child up for the next few years is torture.

Not only that, when your ex has a new fella and they are playing happy familys. She is totally in love with another man with YOUR child.

What happened!!?? I know it's going to happen some day and it is tearing me apart.

Yes I feel your pain. I am going through it even after 7 mths apart. But this month (April) is when she decided she wanted out.

I to am seeing a counsellor. We are so going through this together.

Just the big ocean separating us.

 

I have just uploaded a pic of myself and my ex in my profile. That was our wedding photo taken June 2006. Yes, not that long ago

Edited April 2, 2008 by smileysmile

[guessjeans]

My heart goes out to both you men. I only wish my EX loved me as much or I would have never left. Yes, I left! And now, 4 yrs later, would give anything to have my family back. But that isnt going to happen. He is now with someone else, someone, whom I believe, is probably better suited to him than me.

 

I am going through all the grieve that you are going through, although I left 4 yrs ago. It wasnt a bad break up, I didnt leave because of someone else, we just lost our way.

 

I sometimes want to shake ppl that walk out of their marriages and SHOUT, hey! look at me! Been there, done that! and I want my old life back, but as a new life..new, fresh start. But it just wasnt meant to be.

The woman he is with now, works as the office secretary in a small firm, 5 person firm. So even if i didnt leave, I can only imagine what would be going on between the two of them everyday if I had stayed. The two of them knew each other during the last yr we were together.

 

There is another thing too. Even though I would love to re-discover 'US' again, I dont think I could ever get past the fact he has now been with someone else. Of course he is entitled to..its been 4 yrs since we split, and the woman he is with just left her husband. So he was waiting for her.

 

But it just wouldnt be the same. I dont think there is enough love inside of me, and there is a lot...ive known this man since i was 16 yrs old, we've known each other for 30 yrs, lived together for 26 yrs, and have a 20 yr old son together.

 

Its funny, but this is my first real heartbreak in my life. He was my first everything. Funny how he is still my first, my first real heartbreak.

 

We just keep moving our feet. We keep the days rolling by, and keep waiting for that day when we can love someone else again, where they arent in our thoughts from the time we wake up in the morning, to the time we place our heads on our pillows at night.

 

I have accepted it is over and that, this is what is meant to be. My knight in shining armour is out there somewhere looking for me. And when the time is right, we will meet. But right now, is definately not the time to start another relationship with anyone. I see BIGARC, that you have had 2 divorces in 8 yrs. This marriage lasted 6 yrs, could it be that you got into a relationship too quickly after your first divorce, into this one? Too emotionally unhealthy ppl meeting and helping each other through their pain, that resulted in a marriage for all the wrong reasons?

[smileysmile]

we've known each other for 30 yrs, lived together for 26 yrs

 

That is plenty of history for the both of you.

 

Does this make it more significent the duration of a relationship?

Especially after all this time your spouse leaves you or you them.

And what I have read in LS that how could the dumper be so cruel after MANY years together just 'switch off.?'

 

Also that many years together after the honeymoon period is well over and you have become 'used' to each other and 'used to being together' that is all you both know then over time boredom, mundaness, rut..you name it creeps in. Things change.

Overtime it is human nature.

So what about short term relationships? When you are in in the honeymoon stage and you fall for this person and realise you are in love with them. How can the "I am in love" with you feeling change so quickly?

Overtime in a long term R the love can fade because your spouse isn't fullfilling your needs.

In a very short R how can it fade so quick if you have just only gotten off the ground? My ex decided to leave 2.6 years after first meeting.

You don't pull out of buying a bigger home from the one you're living in and losing £1k fees and move into a mans house 4 weeks after meeting and then 4 mths from meeting move into a new(ish) 4 detached house, one mth later (5 mths) get engaged.

In 6 weeks you are truly in love with your man and excited for the future.

 

What is love? How can you not feel it anymore so soon?

 

So short R against long term R?

 

Love fades over a period of time when your needs aren't being met or for whatever other reason.

Have you heard that song.."you've lost that loving feeling..."

 

My ex wasn't on a rebound. But I guess I wasn't the man she hoped I be or rather change some of the things that were causing the problems.

But if you love somebody, how can you just 'switch off?'

In such a short time? My pet hate is women who fall in love to easily

 

I must have been something special for her to lose that money and take such a chance with me so soon.

[THEBIGARC]

It was 2 yrs after my 1st divorce that I starting dating my STBXW. I didn't marry until 5 years later. She got pregnant after 1 yr dating. I think I married her because of our child. I chose the wrong path. We should have just broke up and stayed co parents. That is where we are headed now.

[cyabye]

THEBIGARC,

 

For what it is worth, you are NOT losing your boy. Instead of quantity time now you will have quality time. As far as the pain being unbearable, maybe you should discuss anti-depressants/anxiety meds (temporary) with your doctor (I had to and it helped). You do not want your work place to be affected because of what you are going through. Take care of yourself so you can be available to your son. In time you will feel better. Stay active. Plan activites with your son. I am sure he's stressed, hurting and confused as you are. Be strong.

 

Hope this helps,

cyabye

[THEBIGARC]

If any good has come from this seperation and pending divorce, it is the new found bond with my son. We are so much closer now. He eats up all the love and affection I give him. It hurts me that I was not as close to him when I was living with his mother. I think it was the STBXW and my conflicts that made me not have the engergy or will to be a better dad. I get him 3 days a week and it is all about him and me now. I was with him everyday and it was all about her,him, and throw me in there sometimes. We are going to a Hornets game tonight. I am so excited! It gives me great pleasure to think about all the adventures my son and I will go on in the future. My divorce is bringing a father and son closer. That may have been God's plan.

[Shin0bi1]

Yo THEBIGARC,

 

I feel ya dude. You and I are in the same path, you are just a little furthur ahead of me but I feel what you are going through. From my thread, my wife wanted a divorce and annouced it recently. It came out in a heat of the moment when tensions were high so I challenged her to not make rash decisions like that when you are not calm. However in the back of mind, I have to prepare myself mentally/emotionally for what is to come.

 

As you know I have a 5 year old boy and it too kills me to know that I will not see him everyday when I move out and deal with separation.

I just feel that my significant other is getting her way on everything and it does not feel fair. I too have to struggle every day/hour/minute to maintain my sanity and remind myself all the time to not give her any reasons to solidify her decision on ending the marriage. I am sure you want to be a better person and learn from this experience and change for the positive (so do I). It just so hard to deal with this kind of pain that is affecting us on multiple levels.

 

I know it looks hopeless right now, I have trouble believing myself as well, but we gotta hang in there for our sons. We gotta let our sons know that thru hell/rain/snow/ and even a woman's scorn and stuff, we are strong enough to be there for them.

 

I just wanted to share this story with ya and see if it can help ya in these dark times:

 

There are two ways of looking at things, perspectives that alter your decisions. When my wife was pregnant, we were 2-3 months into dating and all my single friends immediately advised (bad advices btw) me to convince her to get an abortion. They said that you dont know this girl, your life is gonna be messed up, you gotta quit all your dreams for the baby, you cant have fun anymore, you are on lockdown, etc..etc.. Pretty much told me that I will not have my life anymore and that all I be doing is sacrificing everything from here on out. Being single for 4 years prior and casually dating, I knew the pregnancy would change everything that I was famaliar with. I started to freak out and ponder if my close friends were right or not. After some meditation, I realized that I was freaking out because I was afraid of change. That change of being a father was really the fear of the unknown and it was making me think irrationally.

 

I decided to think the other perspective. Because I am going to have a son (always knew it from day 1 hehe) I can be a better person, because I am going to be a father I am highly motivated to improve my career aspirations, because of the baby that is coming, I am fullfilled and life has meaning, Because of my lil boy I am the man I am today, Because of being a father, I will no know failure to support my boy because it is simply not an option, Because of my son, I know what it means to really love someone unconditionally till the end of time, Because of my son, etc..

 

I think you get the idea which I am sure you already know. I found this life experience really helpful when faced with troubles. Sometimes it is all in your head and that a different perspective of the same problem can really produce positive results. I know this sounds too optimistic right now but it is honestly the only thing I can rationally think of when there is no hope in sight so to speak.

 

Anyways, this might sound unbelievable but here goes...

 

This is your finest hour and it is mine as well. We will survive this crap and meet people who will appreciate us for what we are despite the many flaws we have. Our sons will see us as their heroes and role models and will brag about their daddies to other kids in the playground.

 

Also remember this... when your boy grows up and on his way to become a man, he will seek out your wisdom because this is what I do with my dad now. I take comfort knowing this.... My son might favor his mother right now but it will not be like that forever.

 

Hang in there man!

 

-Shin0bi1

Edited April 4, 2008 by Shin0bi1

[THEBIGARC]

Thanks man! This is a very difficult time for us both and we need to be strong for our boys! My son has really bonded to me since I moved out. We are closer now than ever. The STBXW is still so cruel and resents that fact that he shows me so much love and affection. I wish I could just leave with him and start a new life, but I know he needs his mom. She is an awesome mother, but I fear that the OM is clouding her mind. I am not sure she will make the right choices because of that. I do not want this OM around my son now. She has told me it will happen by the summer. I guess there is nothing I can do about it. She keeps asking me if I have found someone. WTF!! She wants me to still want her and have no one else, but she doesn't want me! Crazy Times!!

[Shin0bi1]

Thanks man! This is a very difficult time for us both and we need to be strong for our boys! My son has really bonded to me since I moved out. We are closer now than ever. The STBXW is still so cruel and resents that fact that he shows me so much love and affection. I wish I could just leave with him and start a new life, but I know he needs his mom. She is an awesome mother, but I fear that the OM is clouding her mind. I am not sure she will make the right choices because of that. I do not want this OM around my son now. She has told me it will happen by the summer. I guess there is nothing I can do about it. She keeps asking me if I have found someone. WTF!! She wants me to still want her and have no one else, but she doesn't want me! Crazy Times!!

 

 

My wife or whatever you call her told me this a long time ago. She said to me that women are like monkeys, they hold unto one branch while they go for another tree. Once they have a firm grip, they let go of that tree and move forward. I say don't give her that satisfaction and cut the branch she is holding unto right now. I think I have to think those words of wisdom as well and show my wife some tough love. That she can't have the stability and security of me knowing her for years and being there for her and still have her single life. Her disrespect is really putting a strain on me trying to control my frustrations and my bad temper.

 

I also get crazed at the thought of some stranger in my wife's life, who i don't know, that might be around my son. I have a different situation because my son will live in my in-laws because that is the home he is famaliar with and has access to good public schools. I feel that her family will be protective of my son as well and it is good to know they are disappointed with my wife's behavior. She is reminding me of an immature 19 year old who just discovered partying/drinking for the first time...she is turning 30 in 2 months btw.

 

 

 

-Shin0bi1

[THEBIGARC]

My soon to be ex wife is turning 30 next month. I guess our ex's felt like they were getting old and needed a change! Mine just goes back in forth with her emotions, nice then hatefull. I try to stay calm, but I do lose it sometimes. I am moving into a new condo next week. I think it will really hit me then. I am doing better though. I gave her the key back to her house. That too was an ending stage for me. I still have a little more things to get out of her house. It will all be out this week.

 

On a better note, I hooked up with two different girls Saturday night. No sex or anything, but it just felt good to know that I am still attractive. I have both of the girls phone #'s. I am still deciding if I want to call them or not.

[Shin0bi1]

My soon to be ex wife is turning 30 next month. I guess our ex's felt like they were getting old and needed a change! Mine just goes back in forth with her emotions, nice then hatefull. I try to stay calm, but I do lose it sometimes. I am moving into a new condo next week. I think it will really hit me then. I am doing better though. I gave her the key back to her house. That too was an ending stage for me. I still have a little more things to get out of her house. It will all be out this week.

 

On a better note, I hooked up with two different girls Saturday night. No sex or anything, but it just felt good to know that I am still attractive. I have both of the girls phone #'s. I am still deciding if I want to call them or not.

 

 

Yeah I see the same emotions from my wife right now. However it is mostly hate and she said it about 50 times or so in the last two days to get out of the house by the end of this month. I'm looking for apartments now and stuff...seriously I can't wait to get out but at the same time feeling really sad about my not being with my son all the time. I got emotional after the huge family/wife fight and went straight to my son's bed. I caressed his head and gave him plenty of cheek kisses and kept apologizing to him over and over and over again.

 

grats on the new condo btw! starting new and fresh... I wish I can do that as well. My job situation is tricky, I believe I am gonna get laid off at the end of this year or by begining of 2nd quarter next year. I'm looking for 6-9 month apartment leases at this point.

 

I had to reread your last paragraph... I was about to congratulate you on a guy's fantasy about a threesome with two girls coming true!

 

Yeah man, can't wait to enroll in a gym and start looking good again. My motivation is to show my wife she should of gave the marriage another shot and also to meet a nice attractive girl.

 

Yeah I say call them man. Get your spirits up, feel confident. You will enjoy the attention and company but at the same time, one the time is right you have to let them know that you are going thru some stuff and might not be able to offer what they are looking for.

 

Seriously I miss college days man. College girls didn't care about what you wore, what car you drove, how successful you are, etc..etc.. they just wanted to have a good time and liked you for who you are and not what you can buy them...

 

 

-Shin0bi1