lexi29 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I have a guy friend I've been close friends with for the last 14 years. If it matters we dated briefly my junior year of high school. It only lasted a few months as he was a rebound and we never did anything more than kiss. We've been great friends ever since. He is very open with me and often asks for advice in his relationships. He has been seeing a woman for almost a year (longest relationship he's ever had) he is 32 and she is 36. He has been living with her for the last 6 months. (her house, she pays the bills). In my opinion it is a bad relationship and I don' t really care for her but I feel sorry for her. My friend deep down is a good guy. he is a great friend and would do anything for his friends or family. However, he seems to have some issues with his relationship. his last girlfriend who he was totally in love with, cheated on him with her neighbor. He went to her house one night to suprise her and found her with the other man. He also does not have a problem involving himself with married women. He's never slept with anyone married but when he was single he had frequent flirtations and made out with several married women. His ex just got out of a 11 year marriage (he had the blessing of her husband to start seeing her). She was getting divorced because she cheated on her husband. So he doesn't have the greatest track record. He has always been very protective of me and when an ex of mine cheated on me he was very angry at him etc. Well, to get to the point, my friend called me last night to tell me his girlfriend went through his cell phone and found innapropriate text messages he'd been sending to this married woman that they both work with. This (unhappily) married woman had been hitting on my friend and talking to him every day and it got to the point where she asked him if he'd have sex with her (an affair) He told her he couldn't do this because she was married and he was seeing someone. (she knew he was dating someone) He told me all this about a month ago. I guess they continued to talk on the phone and flirt at work and text eachother. I don't know the nature of their conversations but I can guess. My friend is not very attracted to his girlfriend (she is heavyset) and she is always nagging at him etc. This married woman at work is very attractive to him. But it is his fault if he stays and chooses not to leave her if he is unhappy. Also when they moved in together he told her he would not even think about getting married till he graduates from college as he only works part time and can't support a family. She was 35 at the time and she agreed this was fine (although I think she told him that just so he would move in as she wanted him to) Recently his girlfriend told him that she wanted to get a dog (even though they don't have the space or time for one). He didn't want to do this. She told him that they should get a dog because this was going to be their only "child" as she is now 36 and does not want to wait two years to have children. She said that at her age there are too many complications and risks to get pregnant and have kids. My guy friend wants kids of his own very much and has always expressed this to his girlfriend. But he wants to wait till he is done with college (in about two years) before getting married and having kids which is understandable. So his girlfriend basically told him she will NOT have kids with him unless he gets her pregnant right NOW. So he is between a rock and a hard place. I think this contributed to him having a flirtation/emotional affair with this married woman from work. When his girlfriend found the text messages he said he appologized but tried to play it off. He feels he did nothing wrong because he didn't cheat on her (physically) and has no plans to. He says (not to her but to me) that if he was happy with his girlfriend he would have never done this (basically blaming her). Now why I understand that he's not really happy with his girlfriend, it really angered me that he is living with her (practically living OFF her as she is paying all the bills) and he is blaming HER for his inappropriate behavior with another woman. He says he will still talk to the other woman as he does not want to feel controlled by his girlfriend. He said they did have a talk and he has agreed to spend more time with her and to try to work things out. He said its basically up to her to kick him out if she wants. She probably won't because she doesn't have many options and he is a pretty good catch for her (believe it or not) I feel bad for her and am angry at my friend for just making me lose faith for men in general. Would you consider talking on the phone and sending inappropriate texts (ones you wouldnt' want your SO to see) to a married woman while YOU are in a relationship to be cheating?
BetrayedMM Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yes, it's cheating. It's an EA. Even if the guy doesn't want it to get physical, he's hiding it because he knows it's wrong and disrespectful towards his SO.
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Last part first - Yes For me, as a single man, years ago, it was an EA. Of course, that was back in the day of love letters Next question: Why are you friends with this guy? He's a mess. I'm not seeing any cohesion or boundaries in his life whatsoever. He's a "path of least resistance" guy. Oh, well, makes the world go round, I guess...
Owl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Would you consider talking on the phone and sending inappropriate texts (ones you wouldnt' want your SO to see) to a married woman while YOU are in a relationship to be cheating? Absolutely. Its cheating on two levels...because he's cheating on his girlfriend...AND he's encouraging the married woman to cheat on her husband with him as well. This isn't difficult to see.
BettyBoop Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Does he love his g/f? The way you portayed their relationship, she seems very insecure and a bit controlling...and he only seems to be with her because she finances him. I think it's ridiculous to force him to have a child now or never - if she really felt that way, she'd be saying "NOW" not "or never" - this indicates she doesn't believe it herself that she cannot have children in a few years as well, or it might as well indicate she does not really want to have any in the first place. Either way she hopes to "capture him" by having him making her pregnant as she believes it will be more difficult to leave her. He has no right to cheat on her, but as he does not seem to want to spend the rest of his life with her...he should leave her and let her find somebody who does.
Author lexi29 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I agree he should leave her. He is somewhat co-dependant and hasn't been in very many relationships so he is constantly asking me if this is "the way its supposed to be" when they get into one of their many fights/power struggles. I honestly don't know if he loves her. Sometimes he says he does, other times he's not sure. I KNOW the main reason he is living with her is because he has nowhere else to go. She has to be aware of this too. He attends college about an hr and a half away and stays with friends the two days a week because of the price of gas. She wants him to drive home to be with her. She gives him these ulitmatums (she did it about them living together because he did not want to move in but she said either move in or we break up and he told her he couldn't help out with bills, etc because he only works part time as he's in college and she agreed this was ok). So the baby thing is probably an ultimatum as well and hopefully he doesnt' fall for it. I'm friends with him because he is a great friend, a very good listener, a shoulder to cry on, and when we hang out we have a blast together. We've known eachother since way back so we have the memories of our teen years together and went through a lot back then. His parents got divorced and I helped him through that and his best friend was killed in a car accident (who was also my boyfriend at one time) and we've been through that together. So there is a lot of history there. Plus he is someone I can talk to anything about. We can go to a bar and have fun or just go shoe shopping at the mall. I am very disapointed in his behavior, even though I dont care for his girlfriend, I think she is fake and manipulative. I tried to befriend her when they started dating and she tried to force him to end all contact with me. But I do feel sorry for her because no one deserves to be disrespected like that or cheated on.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 While he may be your friend and a blast to hang out, he's nothing more than a sneaky, using snake. He obviously has ZERO pride if he's low enough to let a woman support his lazy ass while he sends dirty texts to some married woman. What a prize. I hope his girlfriend throws his worthless ass right out the door. She may be 'fake,' and she may be 'controlling,' but that doesn't give this little jerkoff the right to sponge off her and disrespect her while living in her house and eating her food. If he were the only sperm donor available, I'd get a dog, too.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 She may be 'fake,' and she may be 'controlling,' but that doesn't give this little jerkoff the right to sponge off her and disrespect her while living in her house and eating her food. Excellent point. This woman is PROVIDING for him, money, food, a shelter and he is completely disrespecting her in every way possible. I know this guy is a friend of yours, but if that were my friend, I wouldn't be able to stand being in the same room with him, let alone sit and watch his behaviour continue. He needs to break up with the woman he's living with and THEN he can go off and do whatever he wants. Maybe he can move in with you?
Author lexi29 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Excellent point. This woman is PROVIDING for him, money, food, a shelter and he is completely disrespecting her in every way possible. I know this guy is a friend of yours, but if that were my friend, I wouldn't be able to stand being in the same room with him, let alone sit and watch his behaviour continue. He needs to break up with the woman he's living with and THEN he can go off and do whatever he wants. Maybe he can move in with you? hey take it easy, he's just my friend, there are plenty of men who see their buddies cheat on their wives, girlfriends etc and just egg them on or at least don't say anything to the betrayed spouse. I'm not condoning his behavoir. I said so myself that I was disgusted by it and he is making me lose faith in men. I told him I was upset with him (I've been cheated on before so it really hurt when he took the stance that it HER fault basically because she wasn't keeping him happy because that was the same -lack of responsibility for his own actions excuse my ex used when he cheated on me.) I've told him several times that he needs to break up with her. And she isn't totally supporting him. he pays for food and cooks and pays the cable bill I think. He can only work part time because he is in college to get a better job. She actually wants him to NOT work at all because she wants to see him more often. He told her when he moved in that he couldn't pay for much (has a car payment too that he pays) and he didn't want to live with her because he couldn't pay his fair share. She gave him an ultimatum-either move in (and she pays most of the bills) or she was going to leave him. So this situation is pretty much her doing (financial- not the cheating). As for right now, yes there is no excuse for him to do what he did but the ball is in HER court. She now knows that he was texting a married woman etc and if she choses not to kick him out then that is on her. So if she has a problem with his actions (which she should) its her place to break up with him. You can be friends with someone and not codone their behavior. If my married female friend had an affair I would still be her friend even though I wouldn't approve.
Owl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 You can be friends with someone and not codone their behavior. If my married female friend had an affair I would still be her friend even though I wouldn't approve. I'm struggling with this issue...TODAY. A good friend of mine confessed to me that he's been sleeping with a married woman, and that's led to her and her H splitting up. This after my friend having heard all about what I've gone through, and having come to me for tons of relationship advice/etc... for the last two years. End result? I told him yesterday that if he were actually family, I'd knock him on his A$$ in the hopes that it would put some sense into him. I've not spent any time with him (we used to jointly teach martial arts) in months...nor will I do so again until he comes to his senses about all of this. I don't want the kinds of friends that condone or conduct this kind of behavior. I don't want them in my life, or in my family's life.
Author lexi29 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I'm struggling with this issue...TODAY. A good friend of mine confessed to me that he's been sleeping with a married woman, and that's led to her and her H splitting up. This after my friend having heard all about what I've gone through, and having come to me for tons of relationship advice/etc... for the last two years. End result? I told him yesterday that if he were actually family, I'd knock him on his A$$ in the hopes that it would put some sense into him. I've not spent any time with him (we used to jointly teach martial arts) in months...nor will I do so again until he comes to his senses about all of this. I don't want the kinds of friends that condone or conduct this kind of behavior. I don't want them in my life, or in my family's life. I understand this has to be rough. My guy friend saw what I went through when my ex cheated on me (physical cheating) so he should have known this would hurt his girlfriend. However he thinks that since nothing physical happened (and you'd be suprised how many guys think this way and some women too) that it wasn't cheating. He says that yes it was innapropriate flirting but he had no plans to sleep with her (she asked if he would and he told her no he couldnt' do that) so he feels what he did was upseting but not cheating. If I eliminated every single friend, family member who has been involved in infidelity from my life I would have practically no one left. My sister's husband was involved with a married woman before he met her, do I hate him? No he treats my sister very well and he's a great guy to have as a brother in law. So I'm not going to cut my guy friend out of my life for the way he treats his girlfriend. I don' t understand the behavior or approve of it but that doesn't mean I won't keep him as my friend. He has been a very good friend and we've helped eachother through some very hard times.
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