inshock Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 My husband is in an affair for the last 7 years and I never knew.Weve been married 22 years and together 27 years. I have since found out that his sister was his go-between the whole time.Said he asked her and she felt the need to be loyal to her brother. I also know that other family members,co workers and friends knew also. How do you get over the feeling of being made a fool of? You feel so stupid and the anger at this is worse then the hurt for the actual affair. I see a therapist but Im still having a hard time with the fact they all knew and even helped him.....How do I get past this hurt? And why havent I? I used to be a strong lady,but not now.
BetrayedMM Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 What can I say, you don't exactly get over it, you accept the reality of the situation and move forward. When you take control of your life back (it has been stolen from you, you must take it back by force) you will feel a bit better, but I won't lie and say that will fix everything. You are not alone in this. Hang in there, and keep posting here, there are some great folks here who can help you through this.
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 IMO, part of the healing process is being open and honest with those you trust and asking for and accepting their support. From your backstory, there are some financial issues, so counseling might not be affordable, but check with your insurance company (hope you got that figured out) and see what options exist. There are also low-cost and free counseling options/support groups out there. Your area's council on aging might be able to direct you. Even a support group with a LCSW would be helpful with the questions you asked here. You've been traumatized. It likely will take a long time to heal. The best thing I can offer is to try to take each day as it comes and find some small joy in it and focus on that. Try not to overthink or see too far into the future. Live in the "now", for now. I wish you well
smartgirl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I don't have relevant experience here, but I really wanted to say how sorry I am that you have to endure this additional trauma. I know that this kind of exposure can make you feel naked and vulnerable. The fact that others in your circle helped him is beyond the pale. Stick with the therapy and if you aren't being helped you should switch. I went to three before I found one that really helped. You don't owe these people anything and I wouldn't waste a minute asking them about it. They were as selfish and insensitive as your H. That being said, you should know that many WHs will try to bring others into their adultery as a way of getting a type of approval and convincing themselves that what they are doing is acceptable. Some use a type of emotional bonding or emotional blackmail to get them on their side. There was a thread some months back from a man who's father was doing this exact thing to him. It was sickening and the son was really torn over being put in the middle.
mark982 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 first off i would no longer have anything to do with those who knew,and condoned this affair. they showed total disrespect for you. then i would consintrate on CAN you forgive your partner for doing this to you. I really feel for you.
eeyore1980 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 How do you get over the feeling of being made a fool of? You feel so stupid and the anger at this is worse then the hurt for the actual affair. This is really a pet peeve of mine. How do you feel you were made a fool of? Cheating is wrong. The helping along of the cheating is wrong, the lying about the cheating is wrong, etc. etc. etc. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of, YOU have nothing to be embarassed of, YOU did nothing wrong. Come on, when you get married, you are supposed to love and trust your spouse. There is NOTHING wrong with that, what is wrong is the betrayal of that love and trust. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING for you to feel foolish about. Be angry, be hurt, be righteously indignant, but don't let what was done to you make you feel foolish. You are only in charge of what you do, you can't control another persons actions, period. Your husband chose to do this to you, certain people chose to help him do it, they are the bad guys, they are the POS's, not you. Don't get yourself manipulated by anyone, including yourself, into thinking you are to blame, or you deserved this. That is the head game these cheaters like to play, don't fall for it.
sally4sara Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 This is really a pet peeve of mine. How do you feel you were made a fool of? Cheating is wrong. The helping along of the cheating is wrong, the lying about the cheating is wrong, etc. etc. etc. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of, YOU have nothing to be embarassed of, YOU did nothing wrong. Come on, when you get married, you are supposed to love and trust your spouse. There is NOTHING wrong with that, what is wrong is the betrayal of that love and trust. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING for you to feel foolish about. Be angry, be hurt, be righteously indignant, but don't let what was done to you make you feel foolish. You are only in charge of what you do, you can't control another persons actions, period. Your husband chose to do this to you, certain people chose to help him do it, they are the bad guys, they are the POS's, not you. Don't get yourself manipulated by anyone, including yourself, into thinking you are to blame, or you deserved this. That is the head game these cheaters like to play, don't fall for it. I've never thought of the embarrassed feeling being about that your spouse cheated on you. I've always thought of it as a struggle with how you feel you will be viewed if they know what went down and you stay in the marriage. I wouldn't be embarrassed that I was cheated on and everyone knew, but I might feel embarrassed about being cheated on, everyone knowing, and sticking around in the marriage and further dealing with anyone who had a hand in the deception....the entire $hitty lot of them. Paint a big ole' plastic smile on me cause I wouldn't be able to stomach friendly banter out of any of them after that!
eeyore1980 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I've never thought of the embarrassed feeling being about that your spouse cheated on you. I've always thought of it as a struggle with how you feel you will be viewed if they know what went down and you stay in the marriage. I wouldn't be embarrassed that I was cheated on and everyone knew, but I might feel embarrassed about being cheated on, everyone knowing, and sticking around in the marriage and further dealing with anyone who had a hand in the deception....the entire $hitty lot of them. Paint a big ole' plastic smile on me cause I wouldn't be able to stomach friendly banter out of any of them after that! Anyone who would participate in helping someone cheat is a POS, and I wouldn't give a crap what they thought. In fact, in my case, I let them know what I thought of them, let them be embarrassed about that! No one knows all that goes on in a marriage, I have been in here blasting my husband, but he has also done a lot of good things I haven't brought up, mainly because this is the infidelity forum. I don't think most people would judge, and if they did, I wouldn't lose much sleep over it. To anyone who has been cheated on, whether they stay or go, they are the one who has to live every second of the life they choose, not me, so I try to be supportive. I didn't have a lot of outside interference, but the main one has offered sincere, heartfelt apologies, and I have chosen to forgive. The only embarrassment I have felt through this whole thing was when I went to my Dr. of 26 years to be tested for STDs. I was humiliated, worrying he was going to think I cheated, and was just giving him a line. Then I was mad at myself for it, for letting myself feel that way. My opinion is getting cheated on is bad enough without heaping a lot of unearned embarrassment and/or guilt on top of it. Leave that to the cheaters.
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