inshock Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 WE have just posponed his divorce action and are working on a POST nuptial agreement so we can stay married. He still lives with her and seems happy. IM still missing him and IM miserable. Ive put on NO PERSONAL CONTACT,a long as hes still living with her. Hes not even allowed to come to our home. Just started it so I dont know. Anyone here familiar with Post nuptials? Are they legal?My lawyer said they are legal but judges dont have to "honor" them..... I have no idea why he wants to stay married,except its proably better for us both financially.Guess his young g/f has been waiting 7 years and doesnt mind a few more.Or hes lied to her.Who knows? Am I crazy to do this?Should I just insist on divorce and make him pay the big price that most cheaters have to pay?Yes it helps me also but can I even handle this emotionally?He talks about how hes not ready and gives off false hope about coming home,but hes still in her bed every night. We are back in court on Apr 29 so I have to make a decision soon....
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I would imagine her age and long monogamous relationship would have something to do with it, perhaps even generationally. Also, this is fresh (about 5-6 months since D-day, right OP?), so there are a lot of stages still to go through IMO. OP, if it makes better financial sense at your age to stay married and live separate lives, then consider it. Otherwise, if there is no love or respect left, move into the divorce process. Remember, all it does is dissolve your legal partnership and allocate assets/liabilities. It has no bearing on your emotions and feelings for your husband. You can stop at any time, or even reconnect later. IMO, do what is in your best interest now. Life is short. You've lived a lot. Hope you still have much happiness left to see
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 The longer you hold out for hope, the worse it can get. In remaining tied to him in some way, you enable his behaviour. Get the divorce so you can move on in your life. Keep in mind that he can continue draining resources. Make it a concrete settlement, enforceable by law.
Author inshock Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Yes 27 years is a long time and yes a part of me wants that connection. Having health insurance is a plus Being in a better place financially is also a plus. I hate knowing it makes it easier for him. I also hate knowing the emotions will stay connected. Lawyers are drawing up this agreement and I look everyday for more solutions to the huge problems that doing it either way will bring. IM in a very unique situation. With other people to support I am trying to do whats best for them. I work on getting better emotionally everyday.Some days I win,some days I lose,but I will keep trying till I no longer care.It will happen Im sure.
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Lawyers are drawing up this agreement and I look everyday for more solutions to the huge problems that doing it either way will bring. IM in a very unique situation. With other people to support I am trying to do whats best for them. Do you mind expanding on this unique situation with dependents?
Author inshock Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 We have raised our granddaughter since 1998.She is now 24.She has some emotional and mental issues. We took in my 85 year old mother about 3 years ago.She has vascular dementia.I am her sole caretaker. I just got legal guardianship of my granddauighters 2 year old(my great granddaughter). She has lived with us since she was born on Valentines Day 2006. I cleaned houses all my life and that quit about 2 years ago.Mostly from the economy in Michigan,or lack of it. I also cannot get my husbands retirement until he files for it.Which will be at least 7 more years.I am 61 but dont have any work credits. Kinda like a bad soap opera,huh???
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 A tough position to be in. I'm assuming you have joint assets that can be sold, to raise money for living expenses, until you're able to get a job. Is there no way to bring in a boarder or roommate, potentially another single mother, to share the expenses?
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yep, figured there was more to it. OP, how are you situated on resources for caring for your mom and granddaughter/child? This is an exceedingly difficult burden. There is help out there. I have a lot of experience with mental illness and especially vascular dementia and AD. Let me know if I can be of assistance. At this time, I think your idea of retaining the status quo is a good one. Your husband's issues can take back seat for now. He made his bed, so to speak, but I have a feeling I can understand his psychology. Wild guess but I bet he distanced himself from the care process and, in doing so, you. Let us know if we can be of more assistance or support. One day at a time
Author inshock Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Carhill.....Nice try,but his girlfriend is now 40,she was 33 years old when it started.My husband is 58. He keeps talking about the poor thing,shes poor and her house is crappy and how he wants to paint it for her and "help" her out.She is very meek and mild on the outside,but I think she could show her true colors at any time.He wants to be her hero.....Kinda like care taking,I suspect. Actually he keeps telling me shes just like I was at that age.I think hes chasing the fountain of youth and doesnt care who he destroys in the process.So shallow and quite sad.As we all know he cant beat it.....its coming and he cant stop it.
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 So the A started sometime between when your granddaughter came to live with you and when you started caring for your mother, and your husband was around 50 at the time. Somehow, in retrospect, it just seems to come together. I don't know why. How much contact does your H have with you now? Honestly, does your life and circumstance matter to him? I'm not hearing that.... IMO, he's not caretaking (I'm assuming you meant that sarcastically), but rather wooing a woman. It's what men do. I know. I am one When I cared for my mom, I was a caregiver. You know what that's like. It's a wee bit different I'll stand by my prior advice. Do what's best for you in your current situation. Whatever it takes. He'll just have to be irrelevant. Hope you can get to that place.
Author inshock Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Ive started no personal contact because I was tired of crying every time hed leave here to go to her.Now I wont see him or let him come to the house. Hes happy with her.Says he isnt happy and doesnt know who he is.LOL Also said he cant come home now because in the first 7 years he never really got to know her and see if they are compatible.Says he may leave her. LOL Why would you give up everything just to leave later? I dont know why I cant get over this jerk and move on but its been really difficult and Im actually a pretty strong woman. Well if he left because of the kids then arent we all better off w/o him? My head knows we are going to be okay,its my damn heart that doesnt want to let go.....Im trying hard though.Im really tired of crying. Later I would like to ask you some questions about the Vascular dementia and etc..... Thanks ....
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 google "alzheimer's proboards32". We'll be happy the have you. My ladies take good care of everyone He doesn't know what he wants. That likely comes as no surprise to you It'll all work out...
Author inshock Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 No suprise,he says he doesnt know what he wants or who he is. You dont know that just before he met her he had a 5 way bypass,that totally failed.He spent the next 4 years,having 10 heart stents put in,going into anaflactic shock on the cath table,having a toe removed in 2006. She says I make him work too hard... Hes diabetic,hasnt seen a dr in 2 years and gets his meds through a friend. Does he have a death wish? Was my "taking care" of him through all this what drove him away? He stays away and says we can get the divorce if I want although we have cancelled 1 already and have signed the paperwork to cancel this one.Says she will have to handle it. You say it will work out but not necessarily the way I want,right? You guys have any miracles for sale? I dont want to on here in 10 years at 71 saying "how dumb I was"
Author inshock Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Ps::::He says he does love us all and misses us and thinks about us,but he refuses to leave her and come home.Some times he cries and gets so emotional its just sad.But he still leaves and goes to her. I dont think he wants to "hurt" us. But of course hes actually hurting all 3 of us. Says he needs time but now that hes living with her,doesnt their bond get stronger and wont it be harder for him to ever make a decison?
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