MotherGooze Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I'm so embarassed. My and my bf broke up several months ago but we're still friends. I know that still has some feelings for me, but I just couldn't work out because we are very different. But for a couple of weeks I just can't seem to get his friend out of my head. He's also a friend of mine, and we've gone out a few times. I do believe that he likes me too though (yes, in that way), but I don't know what to do. I know my ex will be hurt if we would ever be together. It's just that I have so much in common with this guy, it's amazing! I should just forget about him I know.... just out of respect for my ex. I feel so stupid about it!
Gold Pile Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 If you really like your ex, don't do it. Stop seeing his Best F. If you dislike him, do his friend. Was he good to you? Some Best F he has...dating his ex.
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 OP, did any of this go on while you were in a relationship with your ex? If yes, that would be my inhibition, in that I had dishonored my relationship. If no, and you and your mutual friend were just that, friends, then I would say that the friendship may have grown into something else. If you are indifferent (I mean that as the opposite of in love with) to your ex, and have no emotional ties with him anymore, and his friend is attractive to you, and you to him, then I say go for it. You don't owe their friendship anything. That's between them. Mature people understand that relationships develop with those we are exposed to, and that sometimes means a mutual friend from a prior marriage or relationship. It's part of life. Again, no priors, no games and no feelings for your ex are the caveats. His feelings now (or not) for you are irrelevant. You don't owe him anything more than polite indifference; anything else is entirely your choice.
Author MotherGooze Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 I get along very well with my ex. That's the problem. I don't want to hurt him, because he is a great guy. And I did go out with his best friend, but just as friends. I never thought it would develope in me falling in love with him. They know each other for more then 20 years, and I don't want to damage that you know. I can't just be indifferent about that.
SpikeyChick Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I get along very well with my ex. That's the problem. I don't want to hurt him, because he is a great guy. And I did go out with his best friend, but just as friends. I never thought it would develope in me falling in love with him. They know each other for more then 20 years, and I don't want to damage that you know. I can't just be indifferent about that. You sound like a woman with clear ethics. THis dilemma is not so unusual either, but painful nonetherless. One way to deal would be for you to discuss your feelings for the "friend" with your Ex. He may be OK with you seeing him afterall . You are assuming that he will be hurt. How do you know unless you ask him? Guys are tough you know . Has your Ex moved on with someone else. ?
trigger Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Hmmm. Well I'd say it's the best friend's responsibility to talk to your ex about it and see how he feels. If he's willing to risk losing his best friend (the ex) over a girl, though, I'd have to say he's not a very good guy. And the drama that ensues (which it will, if the idea upsets your ex, which it probably will since you say he still has feeling for you) will probably wreck your new relationship in no time. Edited April 4, 2008 by trigger
SpikeyChick Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Hmmm. Well I'd say it's the best friend's responsibility to talk to your ex about it and see how he feels. No it is not . It is Mother Goose who is in a twist about this.That is why she posted her, so it is up to her to get this handled with her Ex. IF the "friend" is also concerned about the impact on the Ex then it is his responsibility to approach the Ex separately and then the boys can handle it man to man. I grew up with three brothers and I learnt to appreciate how men sort out these problems between them . WE can learn a lot from their willingness to understand each other and forget their past hurts. They always listened to me too because I was straight with them and never played the "helpless female " game.
TheFonz Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 You should tell your EX this. If he gives the OK, then it's all good. He if doesn't think it's OK, he still deserves the right to know.
SpikeyChick Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 You should tell your EX this. If he gives the OK, then it's all good. He if doesn't think it's OK, he still deserves the right to know. Exactly ! This stuff is not so tough.
Author MotherGooze Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 I'm gonna think this trough. I think The Best friend, wouldn't want to damage this friendship, I'm sure of that. Maybe it's best to talk to him about my feelings first because I'm still not 100% sure if the feelings are indeed mutual. After that we'll see what happens. Maybe I should talk to my ex, but I first want to know what the best friend is thinking. I'm not sure if my ex still has feelings for me too, but he hasn't moved on yet, and some things he does makes me think that he still likes me in that way.
carhill Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 IMO, clearly communicate and do not let others (including us here) dictate how you live your life. Your conscience is in the right place, based on your postings in this thread. See it through. Remember, you can't be responsible for the feelings of others, only for your behavior. Good luck!
Cov Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Some Best F he has...dating his ex. I made this mistake a few years ago when I went on a date with my friend's ex-girlfriend, thankfully nothing come of it, but he wasn't happy and didn't once display his displeasure to me, so I thought he was okay with it. I don't think it's a good idea to see your ex-boyfriend's best friend, especially if your ex still has feelings for you of some sort. And I also believe you are misusing the word love here, from what you've posted it sounds like lust more than love.
peace_pipe Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I get along very well with my ex. That's the problem. I don't want to hurt him, because he is a great guy. Not to be rude, but this is the comment that sticks out to me the most. Your ex is a great guy and you got along well. Why is he your ex again? If I were this guy you are interested in, I'd be very concerned about comments like that. I'd wonder what makes you happy, if the last guy "was a great guy and you got along well." I'd wonder if you have the ability to persevere and communicate well. I'd be wondering what else I could offer you besides being a great guy and getting along great. Those are the two most important things!
xpaperxcutx Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I don't think you're in love with your ex's best friend, but it's more like an attraction and you want to see where it goes. I don't think you're entitled to have to explain your behaviour to your ex, but it is a complicated situation where you might break up their friendship. The best thing to go about this is to balance out whether the ensuing relationship would outweigh the consequences that follow. You can date whoever you want if you're ethical with the way you carry your actions out. I don't understand why you're still entitled to your ex's feelings considering you're your own person and if the both of you broke up through mutual understanding then there's no reason why you're afraid to hurt his feelings. If the best friend wants to pursue you then he's the one entitled to make sure he talks to your ex. You're not anybody's possession but your own. Don't make it so that you're being passed from one guy to another.
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