cookiecat Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 hi there, i first posted about my breakup about nine months ago.. i don't even want to go digging the old posts up because it was just awful, and i want to remember as little as possible. i will say though, i was DEVASTATED. i was quickly dropped by a guy i had been with for four years. he started persuing a new girl the next day no less. i didn't eat for two months and had panic attacks for another four, at least. i didn't beg him or do anything overly emotional though..i kept all the crazy stuff between my friends and i. however, i was completely wrecked. anyways time went on and i have dated a few guys casually since then. none of them worked out because in all honesty, i'm still completely in love with my ex and i miss him intensely at times. but let me say that despite this, it DOES get better. i still miss him and love him deep down inside, but you do reach a point where it doesn't control your life anymore. i have had days of extreme happiness and light-heartedness in ways that i didn't think i'd be able to feel ever again. i have felt like i could move on and be with someone new (even though i found out that i wasn't *quite* ready for that yet). i have been able to make it a month without crying over their memory (which is pretty good considering i cried every day for almost half a year). basically, even though i still carry some pain and feelings of loss, i am free from the intense misery and suffering that initially came with the break up. what got me through was not talking to them, not looking at their pictures (ok i snuck a peek now and then) and focusing on myself. but it took a while.... just hang in there if you are feeling hopeless and devastated.. trust me, i did NOT want to let go. and i haven't entirely, i suppose. but i'm working on it and it doesn't control my daily life anymore at least. now with all of that said, i have had some interesting things rearing their heads as of late. it all started with me finally getting my stuff out of his house last week. i live in new york and he lives in san francisco. i used to live in sf with him, but we both moved to new york together three years ago, which resulted in me leaving a lot of my stuff behind at his house where his brother still lived. after being in new york for a year, he decided he hated it and went back. yet another year and a half later, we broke up, while i was spending time in san francisco with him. what motivated me to finally fly out and get my stuff out was when he showed up in a friend's flickr with an 18 yr old girl he was supposedly dating, wearing my clothes. he's 29 btw. i know some ppl might disagree, but i thought the age dif was pretty lame. however, the worst part was that she was wearing my clothes!! wtf! ever since i got my stuff out though, he's suddenly been texting me, messaging me, etc. what gives? he's been nothing but cold and rude to me since the break up. now he's writing me, saying that i shouldn't listen to what people are saying about him, that he hasn't so much as kissed a girl since we broke up (which i know is a lie. he told me himself he kissed some girl right after we broke up... after i reminded him of that he said 'wouldn't consider that a real kiss...' ye-aaah right... ). i told him that i missed him and cared about him and never wanted it to end, and reminded him that i was devastated. then just last night he messages me saying he wanted to talk to me about a few things. but then he had to go. ugh. now i hear he is going around to my friends saying 'why did you tell xxxx i was seeing that girl? i wasn't even seeing her in the first place! i don't want her to hear those things' so what gives? is he trying to reel me back in? we share all the same friends and i'm even really good friends with his sister who lives here in ny, so our lives are still entwined in some indirect ways. i still miss him so much and this sudden attention is tugging my heart strings. but i'm keeping my distance as much as i can. i'm a bit frightened of falling back into a bad place. it's just so confusing
tealeafbud Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 It sounds like an emotional roller coaster indeed. I'm kind of going through something similar. i've been writing and writing my feelings in google document, which is very therapeutic. I've come to the conclusion that you really need to know what you want. Do you honestly want him back after the pain he has put you through? Do you honestly trust that he won't run off with someone else yet again which could cause you even more pain in the future. Do you think he has changed in a way that might appreciate you more for who you are? Or do you think you could move on with your life without him, and spare anymore energy loss to the situation. I know it's difficult, but answering some of these questions, and others that come to you will help you know what you want. The decision is entirely yours. Be Strong!
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