SnapCracklePop Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Just curious here.... what signs or clues do women give when they are having an affair. Odd question - I know.. and probably not worded properly... But this question comes after reading a thread started by EmotionallyYours where she indicated "I had been slowly leaking information to my husband in an attempt to tell him anyway"... So just exactly what info do women leak when they want to be caught?
Cobra_X30 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Best to start by telling what makes you suspicous. Then the pros can tell you how to get down to the truth.
Owl Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Do a google search on signs of cheating/infidelity...you'll get several comprehensive lists that have a LOT of good information.
BetrayedMM Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yes, and beyond the google thing(DO THAT), I would say that joking about having an affair would be a big one.
Mustang Sally Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I think some of the signs are little different than what the almighty google-search and subsequent pop-psyche articles say men do.... Such as: - noticeable increase in attention to appearance/dress - sudden dramatic change in sex-frequency with spouse (either increase or decrease) - increased time on cell phone, or internet, and increased privacy with those things - increased time away from family (i.e. at work) etc. Why do you ask?
Author SnapCracklePop Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Thanks - I don't really want to post too much publicly about my situation right now, other than ask some questions (you never know if the other one is here also seeking answers)... marriage has issues, we haven't talked about it yet, and it has been going on for some time. I suspect she feels thing and that neither of us are ready/comfortable bringing it up because of a fear of what that would mean. If I did explain that last few years, I know the first suggestion would be to get our asses into MC. Just a few things I noticed recently make me wonder about if she went to meet someone. I really doubt she has done or would do anything physical - that would really be out of character. But I have a nagging feeling that maybe she is meeting someone interesting.
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I suspect she feels thing and that neither of us are ready/comfortable bringing it up because of a fear of what that would mean. If I did explain that last few years, I know the first suggestion would be to get our asses into MC. But not knowing is worse. Atleast if you know, you both can talk it out and fix things, head to counselling together. Either way it sounds like something is "off" in the marriage, and that is worth discussing...Maybe start off asking how happy she is in the marriage and go from there...Ask her what needs of hers aren't being met by you and what you can do to make it better, then let her know what needs you feel she isn't meeting. As for posting personal information - Don't share your location, maybe add a year or two on how long you've been with her just incase, though the chances of her being on here are slim..Just make sure too, to clear your cookies and delete history on your machine if you don't want her knowing about LS. If you do decide to share your story, this place is for you to vent and come for support..
Mustang Sally Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yes, Gibson. I have to agree with what WWIU is saying. It's like I've said many times: 1) Is the weather nice there, on Denial Planet? And: 2) All bad things eventually rise to the surface. I'm a firm believer in bringing light to "scary" feelings in a relationship such as a marriage sooner rather than later. Sooner - you might be able to prevent a lot of (inevitable, if left unchecked) heartache, grief, and emotional suffering. Ignoring a cancerous tumor does not make it go away. Peace.
Author SnapCracklePop Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Not knowing is definitely worse. I would just *hate* to bring up this subject and be completely wrong though. The really wierd thing is that I would not be upset with her if there was an EA or even a PA because that info would give me the road ahead. A few years ago I probably would have been upset by that info. I'd just like to have some more ground before I start talking about things. Is there even an affair? My gut says no, but my mind is playing tricks. Recent changes just make me go hmmm. But sooner or later things have to be put on the table. My stomach has been feeling off for a month or so now that is not good. Life at home is no longer regular fights, but is not any way to live with someone. We live under the same roof yet hardly ever see each other.
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Not knowing is definitely worse. I would just *hate* to bring up this subject and be completely wrong though. But atleast you'll know and be able to talk about it and let her know WHY you are feeling suspicious, concerned that she is up to something. A good talk can fix things, or atleast get the ball rolling. Chances are, if your gut is telling you something feels 'off', your gut is right. Can you list afew things that makes you think she's having an affair, or at best, an emotional affair?
BetrayedMM Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Communicate with her! Leaving things unsaid creates distance. Distance enables affairs. Do you want to be closer, or are you only worried she might be fooling around?
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 The really wierd thing is that I would not be upset with her if there was an EA or even a PA because that info would give me the road ahead. A few years ago I probably would have been upset by that info. With this statement, it could be mean you've emotionally detached from your wife. I can see maybe not being as upset about an EA, but a PA? The thought of your wife having sex with another man doesn't make your blood boil and/or make you sick? You don't think that her sleeping with someone else is a huge loss of trust and respect?
BetrayedMM Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 My gut says no, but my mind is playing tricks. My stomach has been feeling off for a month or so now that is not good. uh oh. Sounds familiar. Life at home is no longer regular fights Ummm... that's what happened around when I 'fired' my wife. Somebody has given up. We live under the same roof yet hardly ever see each other. Do you get the impression she's checked out of the marriage?
Author SnapCracklePop Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Can you list afew things that makes you think she's having an affair, or at best, an emotional affair? I started a Notepad to list a few things, and would have sent a private message, but it seems PMs are disabled on this site... Anyhow, to list the "things" that made me go hmmm the most... that would be very specific situations, and IF she were here, could just create something for me that I am probably not ready to handle just yet. Yes - it needs to be dealt with. As I took note of some things, I tend to think that it is me just looking for any reason to intiate that conversation. I think we have both checked out quite some time ago. I think I checked out after a long string of fights/arguments that I feel she was very unfair both in the reason for the fight and her manner in handling the fight (mind you, I will agree that I am biased in my favor - we don't always see the other side so I am trying to be open minded on this). I am not sure when she checked out. But - we rarely do things as a couple. It has been years since we dated. Sex - is there such a thing - but I am also trying to be open minded here - we both have many things to do, and kids often make significant limitations on availability of a time and place... but still.. we could make Christmas jokes about my sex life and in all honesty it would not be far from the truth at all. Not being upset about an EA or PA - I say that because I know it would provide me with all my answers and end this circus in my head.
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I started a Notepad to list a few things, and would have sent a private message, but it seems PMs are disabled on this site... The only way to have access to PM's is to keep posting and get your post count up to atleast 55 and the time spent (about a month) on the site. Or, become a supporting member, then you'll get PM privvies right away. I understand if you aren't comfortable in sharing details on the site just incase..... So, why not take her out to dinner. Start there. Get a sitter, or ask a family member to babysit. Give your wife flowers and have a nice evening out. Keep it light, laugh and try to recapture some sort connection again, even if it is holding hands.
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 It's easy to let resentments build and eventually learn not to care, not to make an effort. Seems you two have just settled into a routine, day in and day out, like roommates with no emotions. That's only going to lead TO an affair, not only her, but for you as well, and make your marriage go further down the can. Learning to communicate and really "hear" what the other person is saying has to happen. I do hope sooner rather than later, you do talk to her, find out what is going on inside of her and get to MC.
Mrmojorisin Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 One of the signs that alerted me big time was a change in her attitude about cheating. She has told me since day one, that if I cheat and she finds out, don't ask her where she is going anymore. She said that if I cheat, she will never speak to me again and only see me when I pick up the kids. THEN suddenly it changed to if you cheat once then maybe we can talk, as long as she isn't pregnant....... Oh yeah, big ****ing clue!
LakesideDream Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Welcome to LoveShack. I'm no expert, as I was blind to my ex's 23 year affair. I didn't see because I didn't want to. My only suggestion is to get out of the house with your wife, a nice dinner maybe and let her know about your concerns. Yes it will be difficult and possibly even humiliating. While you are talking play close attent to how she acts, more attention than you pay to what she says. People who are participating in affairs will lie, then lie about the lies. They absolutely never admit to any wrongdoing until the day they make the final decision to leave their original relationship. Beware the phrase, "I love you but I'm not in love with you". That phrase is code for I have a new lover, or at very least, that she is working on it diligently. Good luck. I hope you are wrong about your suspicions.
Darth Vader Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Just curious here.... what signs or clues do women give when they are having an affair. Odd question - I know.. and probably not worded properly... But this question comes after reading a thread started by EmotionallyYours where she indicated "I had been slowly leaking information to my husband in an attempt to tell him anyway"... So just exactly what info do women leak when they want to be caught? Perhaps EY is your wife! You never know! Anyway, if she dresses in revealing clothing, wears sexy underwear, I'm talking about if she's started wearing Thongs, but, only wore bikini underwear with you, that's an indicator! She may also be shaving down there, I know you know how to look for indicators like that!
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Um, your gut is telling you something is up. If there's anything I learned in the last year, it's to trust my instinct. Also people on LS at the time told me frequently and with passion, if I thought something was up, it probably was. They were right, my gut was right. My head was the one doing the screwing around. Detach from the situation and check out the facts without bias. That's what I did. When I did it, I astounded myself and I was pretty cut up about how I'd allowed it to happen. Of course it hit like a punch in the stomach for me... you sound like you almost expect it. I doubt that will make it easier to bear though.
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