monkey5 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 2 years ago, I moved 4 state away from where I was born. Since then, my best friend and I have been conversing every day on IM and occasionally on the phone. 2 months ago, she became involved with a guy from her college. Since then, whenever I talk to her, everything is about her & her boyfriend, their sex life, etc. She is no longer the supportive friend she once was, and has basically stopped talking to me completely- instead conversing with her boyfriend online (when she could see him in person any time of the day). I have tried talkign to her how offended it makes me when she blows me off (I only see her 2 times a year!)...but it doesn't work...she just goes back to filling me in on things I couldn't give 2 ****s about. And from what I've heard about this boyfriend, he isn't really right for her...even though I haven't met him in person, by the description of how their arguments work out (my friend is extremely passive and allows him to walk all over her)... a few weeks ago, she confided in me and told me a very personal problem that they have within their sex life. To her, it's the worst thign that could happen-but in actuality, it's nothing major at all...anyways, after she told me this, she threatened that she would NEVER talk to me again if I told anyone. I think she's being bananas...and it's obvious this relationship won't last... I really had to get this off my chest, whether or not anyone could offer advice in this situation. I don't want to lose my friend over a stupid guy, but this is beginning to really bother me. We were great friends for 6 years, and I don't want to lose it over something stupid and petty.
MalachiX Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 It's not petty to her. It's a relationship she's in and, like it or not, you're always going to come second to a possible love interest. I've had friends proudly tout "bros before hoes!" but the second they're the one involved in the relationship that's taking them away from their friends, it's different. It's just how these things work. If she's been a good friend and supportive in the past, you just have to take solace in that and be supportive for her now. If he's not right for her, it'll most likely end and then she'll desperatly need a close friend to help her find herself again. I know all this seems harsh and unfair but it's just a matter of life. There's a very simple equation to things. The best friend you'll ever have will still be nothing more than a friend. You won't ever decide to spend your life with them, pick out curtains, or raise children. Even if a relationship is doomed, a shot at a lasting love outweighs just about any kind of friendship.
j_hunt_12 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I second what that other guy said. I've been in pretty much the exact situation you've been in with one of my lady friends... I'm not kidding when I say exact. Kind of now too with a different guy, but now I'm also in a time-consuming relationship. I'll say it straitforward, if she doesn't want to talk to you don't talk to her either. Her guy is more important than you but even if you don't talk, you are also important. I'd say if she completely abandons you that is her fault and she will probably come back to you after her break-up. If you are a nice guy be nice, if you are not just ignore her. I'll tell you though, even though we've been back and forth and now we are both more consumed with our relationships I'm very happy to have my lady friend as a friend... but she has never completely blown me off either... peace
Author monkey5 Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 I somewhat disagree with your advice. I think if I were in a relationship, my friends would come 1st-because I have known them longer...although I would care deeply about the guy, it's not worth letting go of friends...just like how I wouldn't want him to quit seeing his friends. Individuality is important. I'm not interested in trashing this relationship, but she's headed in a very bad direction with him- unsafe sex practices, allowing him to use sex toys on her that were previously used on his ex-girlfriends, and they rarely use condoms. (she admitted this all to me) To her, everything is hunky-dory, but I know she is going to really screw herself over. She's currently trying to get a teaching degree, yet, though she has only been seeing this guy for 2 months, she's willing to drop out/move to a new state just to be with him. I happen to know that relationships are 50/50, and I think it's selfish to make somebody, of whom you are not married/engaged, to quit their dreams altogether just to be with you. I realize this isn't about "my" situation anymore...but she's invited me to worry about her with her confessions. He comes across as controlling...and accusatory of "problems" they have in their sex life (which seem to be only HIS problem)... I just needed to rant. I'm not expecting any more input, but if you feel like you could be of help, feel free.
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