Crestfallen_KH Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I've never dated a man with kids before so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm justified in feeling this way. My boyfriend has his daughter about 50% of the time - 2 days a week and every other weekend. I have NEVER made an issue of this; I know she is priority number one and I would think less of him if he put anyone or anything before her. We have both agreed that, until and if we are serious, I shouldn't meet her so as not to add confusion or otherwise disrupt her life. We think that's the responsible thing to do. So, half the time during the week we don't see one another. That's fine. It's the rest of the time during the week that I'm starting to get frustrated about. We've been seeing one another for 3 months and things have been going well. I've been totally cool about his daughter, when he has to work, if he wants to spend time with friends, etc. I've kept up my own interests, friends, exercise, etc. We e-mail and text throughout the day - we both initiate contact, and we are both invested in the relationship, it's clear. We're sort of in a part-time relationship and so far, it has worked. Now that a few months have passed, I'm starting to get a little frustrated with this part-time dynamic. There are three key things that are bugging me. The first, is his time. I get that I can't see him 3-4 days during the 7-day week. I'm not crazy about it, but I get it and have accepted it; however, I would like to rise on his priority list on the days he has off. Occasionally, plans get delayed because his ex-wife needs him to pick up and stay with his daughter because she has an appt. Ok, that happens. But then on other nights he says he needs to work. Well, part of the reason why he needs to work at night is because he slacks during the day. He's been searching for a car to buy for almost two months now and he spends his days on Craigslist and goofing off, and then he gets behind. He can't make up the time and work late on the days he has to pick up his daughter, so he has to eat into our limited time during the evenings to make up for his slacking. The second thing is that we seem to spend more time doing things he wants to do. Most of our "dates" for the last few weeks have been trips to go look at cars later in the evening, after we eat dinner on our own. He has been agreeable to do things when I bring them up, but usually it's because I volunteer to "host" that date, which leads me to point #3... I pay for many things. I have more disposable income than he does due to alimony and child support, but it really feels as if things aren't balanced here. I've taken him to two expensive dinners (they were my ideas, so that's fine) and I paid for us to go to this beer and wine festival. He did buy me a present there, which was nice, but it seems like I'm paying for many of the dinners, gas, drinks, etc. to do things together. For instance, we're going to the coast this weekend but I paid for the condo rental. He said he'd pick up the meals, but it's in no way going to "even out." Before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm not looking for a 50/50 expense ratio here, but combined with the lack of time and doing what he wants to do, it sort of adds to the list. I know he likes me, but I realize our dynamic has been set up where I see him on his schedule only, I have to pay for things if I suggest them, and I don't really have any expectations on him otherwise. I just don't feel like he has to really show me he cares or has to sacrifice for me at all. I feel like the perfect doormat. And I know I've done this to myself. I'm trying to be understanding about the kid thing, but I'm used to be #1 in my guy's life and I know I never will be with him, but can't I be #2 or #3? I would think that he would buckle down and work hard during the day so that he doesn't HAVE to put himself into a position to work at night. I would think he would want to do that if he really cared about seeing me. I haven't spoken to him about this and I've gone along with it, so I know I need to talk to him as I've helped create this problem. I guess I'd just like a little reassurance that I've got a case here. Thanks.
Gold Pile Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Blunt but true: He's not a self-starter, a goof off with no money. These qualities won't likely change. He takes you for granted. If you can separate sex from love...Bang him while you're looking for a better catch. Don't get stuck with this guy. Beware he might eventually use his kid to charm you.
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 OP, what do you like about the relationship? What's the balance? From the tone of your post, I sense a good deal of frustration. While things can and do change as the child grows up, your BF's intrinsic personality and how he deals with life likely will not. Different parents handle relationships and life differently. Personally, from my experiences with friends/past dates who were/are single parents, this is not typical when they voluntarily choose to have an adult relationship in their life. What do you see in the future here?
lexi29 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I really hate to tell you this but I think he is treating you this way because you are a convenience to him. He has someone who will see him when he has time after everything else he wants to do, will pay for dates, will drive to see him, and he doesn't have to put much effort into the relationship. I hope I am wrong though. You are right- you let yourself be treated this way and hey most of us do it especially in the beginning of a new relationship we want to be accomodating. He sounds like a good person- not letting you meet his daughter till you've dated a little longer etc but he isn't making you a priority. Four years ago I started dating a single dad and had some of the same issues- I had to pay if I wanted us to go out to dinner because he didnt have much money etc. But the difference is he made me his next most important priority besides his son and still does to this day. He made time to see me and even complained that i didn't spend enough time with HIM. I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and let him know how you feel. He may not even realize that he is not putting enough effort into this. I know you really want to see your boyfriend as often as possible but try not to be as available to him as you are now. Once you meet his daughter you will see him more often because the three of you can do things together.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) Thanks for the responses, all. Carhill, you've asked the million dollar question: "What do (I) see in the future here?" The reality is that we don't have one. He's asked me to meet his daughter, and I've always refused because I know I won't be around very long and I don't want to create confusion, pain or drama between him and his ex-wife (she's not pleased he's seeing someone as it is). I don't think we're compatible enough, I don't love him (and am sure I never will), he's defensive and insecure and our dynamic can be awfully exhausting at times. I also know that I don't want to be a stepmom; I don't even want children of my own. And I have told him all of this (with the exception that I am sure I'll never love him), yet he's still here. So, in reality, the casual relationship we have now is in both of our best interests. We shouldn't get more involved because it's bound to lead to hurt on both sides if we do. We've had many discussions about this and have even broken up because we know we aren't ready for anything serious right now. I feel like a jerk because I want him to make me a bigger priority despite the fact that I know we don't have a future. I don't necessarily feel like every relationship I am in has to have a future, though. I'm recently divorced from a man who cheated on me and moved in with the OW. I'm not looking for the next great love of my life or marriage with anyone right now. So, I thought it was ok that we were doing what we're doing. But now I want to be a bigger priority. This doesn't make any sense. I guess I'm more needy or my self-esteem has been affected due to the infidelity than I thought? I'm trying to determine if I want more from him, or if I want more from a relationship. And that I don't know. I probably shouldn't be with anyone right now, which is a big reason why I haven't pushed for anything more than casual. But now that's ultimately unfulfilling and I don't know if that's due to my battered self-esteem, or that I'm actually getting strong and want to demand more and better from a man who claims to have strong feelings for me. It's a mess, I know. I did talk to him last night and expressed my frustrations and he promised to work on it, but I guess time will tell: both if that will happen (he says the issues I have have been present in all of his relationships, so it's not likely) or if it's ultimately going to be enough. I think I have three choices: Take the relationship for what it is (with some minor adjustments such as lexi suggested) and keep it casual since that's best for both of us anyway.Take it to another level and see if I can develop feelings for him and see if we have a future (which I am really confident isn't going to happen).Break up with him and be by myself for awhile and wait until I feel ready to have something more serious with someone I actually see having a future with. Edited April 2, 2008 by Crestfallen_KH typo
melodymatters Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 It sounds like too much trouble for something that ultimately has no future ! Be single, get TAKEN out to dinner, read more books, I don't know but it doesn't sound like you are getting ANYTHINg worthwhile out of this relationship and are just killing time. Might as well kill it in a more productive manner !
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 OP, it appears what you have is a "convenient relationship" Also, your assertion: I'm trying to determine if I want more from him, or if I want more from a relationship. is very indicative of similar concerns I've had for awhile regarding my wife's feelings for me. I'm trying to get some honest answers out of her in MC. I think she loves the relationship, as opposed to loving me. It's hard to explain but I feel it at a very elemental level, so can appreciate your perspective. My compliments to you for examining it and yourself. If I were in your shoes, considering the choices you enumerated, I'd choose the "be alone" choice, mindful of growth I would need during that period. Only you know how comfortable you'd really be with that choice. Reading your posts, it sounds like you should be giving the advice here
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