Kids? No thanks. Why do people keep hassling me?

[PinkKittyKat]

Okay, I'm aware there has been childfree posts on here before, but not for a while, and here's my story. It's pretty long because it's almost all of my feelings on the topic.... Be nice?

 

I am a 25 year old old woman. I have never really liked kids. I hate when I have to be around them, when I have to "watch what I say" around them, I hate when I am at a restaurant and a kid is squalling at the next table over or worse, running around the restaurant table-to-table while all the other patrons but me "Awww" over them.

 

When all the other little girls were playing with baby dolls and playing house, I was playing NES and Jurassic Park vs. GI Joes.

 

My parents never told us there were "boy toys" and "girl toys" so we just played with whatever. But I just had no interest in caring for babies, pretend or otherwise. Interestingly enough, my little brother used to play with baby dolls and I used to hand any presents of that sort I recieved over to him. GLADLY.

 

As a child, I adored my little brother for the most part, and took care of him, but my mother has told me that once when I was 4 he was crying and I couldn't stand the sound and put my hands over his mouth!

For what it's worth, finding that out recently horrified me, LOL.

 

When I was a teenager, people would bring their babies to "visit" and stuff, and all the girls I knew would drop whatever they were doing and immediately start to mill about the baby in the stroller, asking to hold it. I had no interest, and people would question that. "Hey, PinkKitty, You must not have noticed, Suzie brought her new baby, come on!" I would politely decline. I don't like their noises, or smells, or holding them.

 

When people would make offhand, "Oh, one day you'll be a mommy" comments, I would tell them, "Oh, I don't plan on having kids." And since I was a teenager, yes I understand them telling me I wasn't old enough to make that decision and that I'd change my mind. But that's all that ever happens still. I know I am young, but telling me I will change my mind is so patronizing. Okay, maybe I might, but I sure don't see it coming.

 

My reasons are not simply the standard "having more money, more time, better relationship" ones, I just fundamentally do not like dealing with kids. The way they cry, whine, smell, need me to do everything, fight. Yeah, it's cool when someones kid is sweet, but it doesn't mean I want them of my own. I like giving them back when they irritate me.

 

Okay, I have had an abortion once and I only felt bad for not feeling more bad. I sat myself down and seriously actually realistically considered the possibility of having it and tried to open myself up to the life inside me, but it wouldn't come. All I could feel was smoldering resentment and complete horror at the idea of carrying it around and then squeezing it out and being obligated to care for it. I wish I had never had to make that choice, but I felt I did the only thing I could. Bringing a child into the world with a mother who felt that way about it is so awful! Even if I'd adopted, well, great, one day if it wants to find me I'll be saddled with it again! And I'll have to either lie to it, or tell it the truth and shatter their life... I can't deal with that. I apologize to those who feel I was in the wrong... I know people get sensitive on this topic. Anyway, back to the story....

 

I am with a bf who I would one day like to marry. We live together. I prefer my cat over kids and honestly, so does he. We call her our "furry little daughter" and "the only kid we need". He doesn't want kids either as you can tell, but he doesn't really mind them. I deal with his little relatives fine when they happen to be around(as long as they aren't throwing stuff/misbehaving), but I hate when his family tries to get me to play with them. They say "Oh you should be doing this, you're a young woman, it'll be like practice for your own!". What can I even say to this???? I usually say, "No thanks." but it sounds like kind of a weird response?

 

His sister invited us to a party once and there was some woman there who brought a 3 year old and let him wander around touching and knocking over everything in her house. I admit, I slipped a couple of times and ended up casually swearing in just general conversation, and got a few REALLY nasty looks from the mom. I felt bad, but we thought it was an adult party when we came, and hell, I'm not used to censoring myself for kids. The first time I swore I was completely unaware of the kids presence! As it was, the whole night the woman only talked about her kid and her new pregnancy and kept turning the conversation back to that. As her kid just wandered around, touching me with saliva encrusted hands and putting toy trucks in my lap, while I smiled awkwardly. And my bf looked sympathetic and brought me more wine...

 

My bf wasn't really having fun... LOL...and neither was I. We chatted pleasantly, and the party ended at about 9pm. Afterwards, my bf texted his sister and told her to at least WARN him if there will be kids at a party, because we didn't know, and that maybe not invite us at all. Because we did not enjoy ourselves. And she FLIPPED. Made it seem like it was ALL ME, and that I was manipulating him, and what will we do when SHE has kids, cause she plans on having them, and will he just drop out of her life and whatnot. He put her on speakerphone without her knowing for a bit....and she REALLY laid into him AND me. I dunno, I just felt really bad, and his comment wasn't intended to offend, just make things less awkward....but everyone takes it so personally. Even if they don't have kids of their own.

 

It's worse, cause kids, like, LOVE me. I have weird clothes and funny coloured hair, so they are always coming up to me in public and asking me if I'm a rock star or princess or something. It's cute and all, but I don't want to have any of my own!!!

 

I get quiet and awkward. And I hate when they touch me, or try to hand me things. I don't like talking to them, or when they climb in my lap.

Even when kids are behaving "well" they make me...uncomfortable. But I don't HATE kids. I just don't like being around them. I would NEVER hurt a kid! I hate people who hurt kids! If I ever hear about someone being mean to/abusing/molesting kids I get FURIOUS and angry and feel like the world is a terrible place sometimes. Don't think I wish harm on them.

 

I am pretty stereotypically feminine, as in: I love dresses and shoes, and being pretty, and enjoying cooking. But I can be fairly masculine: I also like heavy metal concerts and cars, and I hate cleaning the house.

 

I don't understand why people feel I must choose what they have chosen... I have no interest in kids until they can talk to me, and even then it's "iffy".

 

Anyone have any advice? How to avoid them in a polite way? Feel the same way? Think I'm a horrible selfish human being? *sigh*

[blind_otter]

I think it's no big deal. Do whatever you want, it's your life. The only thing I would advise is to stop caring so much about what other people think about the choices you make.

 

As for having to deal with children, well you can just avoid them when they are around. No big deal, unless you freak out and make it a big deal.

 

If someone lays into you like the sister did, you can interrupt them and politely say "I respect the choices you have made, so please respect mine."

 

FWIW I don't really like other people's children all that much either, but I am looking forward to the birth of my son in July. Go figure.

[Rooster_DAR]

Let me guess, you live in the bible belt.

 

I have the same issue, people seem to think your selfish for not wanting kids. Kids are fine for people who decide to take on the tasks, but there is nothing wrong with individuals who decide not to have children.

[PinkKittyKat]

I think it's no big deal. Do whatever you want, it's your life. The only thing I would advise is to stop caring so much about what other people think about the choices you make.

 

Yeah, I can be a major people-pleaser. I hate causing conflict or making people angry... I mean, if I said what I really feel to the people putting pressure on me, it would cause mass conflict.. LOL

Maybe I should bite the bullet?

 

As for having to deal with children, well you can just avoid them when they are around. No big deal, unless you freak out and make it a big deal.

 

Oh, I do just avoid them, it's only when people try and force interaction on me that I am forced to be....well...rude.

 

FWIW I don't really like other people's children all that much either, but I am looking forward to the birth of my son in July. Go figure.

 

I hear that a lot! LOL

The "you'll like them when they're yours" agument... Guess it's true in your case!!! Congrats, BTW.

 

Let me guess, you live in the bible belt.

 

Surprisingly, no. I live in a large, liberal, world city. Although most of my relatives/friends/bf's family all live back in the 'burbs which is a little more "bible-belty". At any rate, my city has an insanely low rate of religion statistically. *sigh* I can't win!! Haha.

 

I have the same issue, people seem to think your selfish for not wanting kids. Kids are fine for people who decide to take on the tasks, but there is nothing wrong with individuals who decide not to have children.

 

Yeah, and I mean the word "selfish" has such negative connotations. It's not like I'm not having kids to be a bad person, I'm not 'cause I don't want them. If you look at it, some parents have kids for selfish reasons! To take care of them when they get old, to have a little person to mold, etc.

[monkey5]

Wow. you sound exactly like me....even down to the rock concerts.

 

I really can relate. I can't stand it when people shove kids down my throat. And when I say, "I never want to have kids", I get the usual, "You'll change your mind" reply.

 

Little kids love me too...I think they're a bit like cats. (In the sense that they can ALWAYS favor the person who likes kids the least) Now don't get me wrong, I love kids...but the whole aspect of birth, changing diapers, etc....doesn't really sound worth it.

 

I have been in a situation with a guy I worked with- who was a definite love interest- where he actually admitted, "I want kid...like, RIGHT NOW.......but I don't have a girlfriend."...I can not tell you how fast my interest disappeared, let alone me.

 

I also think it's absolutely ludicrous when people go to great lengths of in-vitro and things like that, not just because I don't want kids, but because things happen for a reason and there are several kids in this world waiting to be adopted. I just think people have kids sometimes to see how they turn out or what they look like. yet, I do think it's a bummer when awesome people, who would make great parents, can't have children of their own...I know I just contradicted myself...but oh well.

 

I do like kids...but not for me. I think I will have a hard time finding somebody who shares the same opinion.

[Citizen Erased]

I am the same pretty much. I am only 20, yet because I have been with my boyfriend for more than 3 years, everyone seems to think it means I must be in such a rush to marry, have kids. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

 

My boyfriend has a 2 year old niece. They call me her Aunt. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. We aren't married, I will be an aunt when my sister has children. And even then, I bet I will be the one taking he/she to their first concert, getting them drunk or pretending to be their mum so they can get a tattoo before they are legally an adult

 

I am good with children, I just don't feel the need to procreate like most women do when they are around small humans. And I hate everyone assuming that I am like that.

[carhill]

You can't control people's assumptions, only how you react to them

 

Imagine for a moment the antithesis, that of someone who wants to have biological children but cannot. Imagine that person looking on and listening as his friends glow about their children and grandchildren. He smiles and feels their joy because he knows it would be his if he had been so blessed.

 

Do I make sense?

[Starla]

lol kitty i feel exactly the same. i don't like children and have never been broody...i never want my own!! i've had people say to me 'that's a sin' when i've said i don't like children - why is it?? i don't understand that at all. would they rather i lied lol??

 

people also say to me 'you'd feel differently if you had your own', but you see i work in a children's home, that is filled to the brim and has a waiting list, of children whose parents don't want to know!! some of the parents can't cope, and so coming to us is selfless, but many parents kick them out or hand over responsibility because their kids get in their way. so i don't really buy that i would feel differently for my own. if that was true, i'd be out of a job!!!

[Starla]

:laugh::laugh: lol i just read what i wrote - i don't like babies and toddlers!! :o:o:o once they reach their teens (like the ones at my home) they become more interesting!!!

[whichwayisup]

I hate causing conflict or making people angry...

 

I understand this, as I used to be the same way...The thing is, YOU end up suffering because you bend your ways to fit what others expect of you. If someone is pissed off and/or disagrees with how you are in your life, well, that's their problem. They need to learn to respect YOUR choices and not try to tell you what to do, pressure you into doing something that you don't want - Having kids.

 

It is noones business if you choose not to have kids. You don't owe anyone an explanation in detail.

[monkey5]

When I have made the decision to never have children (I am 20), it's because I know for a fact that I am not "parent material". I have no drive to have children, and I think a lot of people feel obligated to have them to: a.) see how they turn out, b.) keep their marriage/relationship alive, c.) because they think it would be "fun", etc. etc. The whole thing makes me feel sick. I hate the pressure everyone places on people.

 

I just don't think the world is the greatest place right now...and with everything going on, not to mention poor public schooling systems (where I am located)- why should I procreate? I have also had some major health problems in my past and I don't want to pass them along. That would be selfish.

 

I would much rather work and spend my money on things I want. I'm not going to have children as an excuse to not work.

 

Yeah, I'm a bit jaded. I am hoping within the next few years to get my tubes tied. I realize that the doctors will try to persuade me otherwise, but I have made my mind up already.

[Rooster_DAR]

When I have made the decision to never have children (I am 20), it's because I know for a fact that I am not "parent material". I have no drive to have children, and I think a lot of people feel obligated to have them to: a.) see how they turn out, b.) keep their marriage/relationship alive, c.) because they think it would be "fun", etc. etc. The whole thing makes me feel sick. I hate the pressure everyone places on people.

 

I just don't think the world is the greatest place right now...and with everything going on, not to mention poor public schooling systems (where I am located)- why should I procreate? I have also had some major health problems in my past and I don't want to pass them along. That would be selfish.

 

I would much rather work and spend my money on things I want. I'm not going to have children as an excuse to not work.

 

Yeah, I'm a bit jaded. I am hoping within the next few years to get my tubes tied. I realize that the doctors will try to persuade me otherwise, but I have made my mind up already.

 

Yeah, unfortunately it the conservative approach that tries to dictate what society should look like, on top of religion and politics.

[PinkKittyKat]

I think it's sort of messed up, the view society, and by default, doctors put on women's birth control. A woman on another forum I am on had to get her husband a vasectomy, because NO doctor would tie her tubes.

 

They were approximately the same age(late 20's), neither had any previous children, or medical issues.

 

And all the doctors REFUSED to sterilize the woman but were okay with sterilizing the man. What gives?

 

I've also heard of women getting married and their doctors refusing to keep them on birth control until they hit menopause. NOT for health reasons, but because, "Well, you're running out of time to have children."

 

Sure, they are anecdotal, but I had the same thing happen when I asked my doctor(s) about tubal ligation... Noone will do it.

[whichwayisup]

because NO doctor would tie her tubes

 

Because it's major surgery and when someone is young no Dr is going to take the chance of a lawsuit incase a woman changes her mind in her 30's when her maternal instincts kick in.

[PinkKittyKat]

Because it's major surgery and when someone is young no Dr is going to take the chance of a lawsuit incase a woman changes her mind in her 30's when her maternal instincts kick in.

 

Yes, I realize it is major surgery. But tubal ligation is a lot easier now.

 

My biggest problem is "no Dr is going to take the chance of a lawsuit incase a woman changes her mind in her 30's when her maternal instincts kick in".

 

Why not then worry about the man's urge to procreate?

 

Also, many plastic surgeries are irreversible major surgeries, and people may regret them, but they are still performed.

[whichwayisup]

Why not then worry about the man's urge to procreate?

 

Because a snip can be reversed, a tubal for a woman can't be reversed.

[PinkKittyKat]

Because a snip can be reversed, a tubal for a woman can't be reversed.

 

I've done a lot of research, and tubal ligation CAN be reversed between 90-98% of the time...

 

If a vasectomy has been performed within the last 15 years the reversal success rate is about something like 70%...

 

Both can be reversed. Although they advise you that neither is to be CONSIDERED reversible, as there are no guarantees of course.

[monkey5]

I think it's unfair that it's so easy for men to get a vasectomy, and women to have a hard time with getting tubal litigation.

 

Some people don't want to be parents. I wish people would be more accepting.

 

I know FOR A FACT that I don't want children. I have had previous, major health concerns which I don't want to pass on. I also don't want to be on birth control until menopause-too many side effects...

 

but every doctor is going to refuse me from getting my tubes tied because "I'm still young and haven't had children"-when tubal litigation is probably the safest form of birth control-and the reason why i want the surgery in the 1st place.

 

This seriously ticks me off every time. Women are looked down upon for getting abortions, yet, when they want to do something proactive for themselves, it's rejected.

 

double standards suck.

[Trialbyfire]

While I can't understand this distaste for children, because I love them, I do understand that you don't have to like them. It's unusual that children gravitate towards someone who dislikes them because children usually have a sixth sense for the purposes of self-protection.

 

Why not be upfront with people about your lack of maternal drive? It doesn't make you a bad person for disliking children and all the responsibility it entails. In pretending to like them, you've transferred your resentment, to the adults who "force" you to interact with them. I suspect people would give more respect, if you stood your ground.

[monkey5]

In pretending to like them, you've transferred your resentment, to the adults who "force" you to interact with them. I suspect people would give more respect, if you stood your ground.

 

Not necessarily. It's possible to be ok with them.

 

I'm not going to completely ignore them, sneer at them, etc. That's terrible. I'm going to treat them like any other person I come into contact with.

 

If I make the remark that I never want children, it should be respected right off the bat.You would never go up to a straight man and tell him to become gay, would you?