Wife wants an open marriage

[BlueWolf]

i'll try and make this brief. wife and i have been together almost seven years and married almost two.i'm her "first" everything and we have a three year old daughter together.

 

last night she suggested we have an open marriage, cause she feels trapped.she says she's too young to feel so old. she wants to get out and have a good time. she feels horrible about checking out other guys but she does, which i told her was totally fine and normal, she IS human after all. i told her i check out other women and have even had crushes during our relationship, but never did anything about them cause i loved her and knew better. she says she's trying to reverse-psychologize herself, cause she doesnt really see herself messing around with anyone, just wants to feel like she could if she wanted to guilt free. she also says she thinks this is just a phase, and she hates herself for feeling this way.

 

of course i'm allowed the same, ("you'd get more action than i would" she said)as long as she doesnt know about it. to which i replied "then everytime i go out you're gonna be wondering if i'm sleeping with some other woman" that kinda got her to change her thinking. and besides i really dont want to sleep with anyone other than her.i'm a one woman kinda guy. i made that peace with myself when i decided i was going to marry her.

i stalled and said i'd have to really think about this whole open marriage thing, even though in my heart i've already decided i'm totally against it.

would greatly appreciate anyone's thoughts and ideas.

[whichwayisup]

Don't do it...Both you need to head to marriage counselling and re-connect again as husband and wife. Having an open marriage WILL put an end to your marriage and the end to your "normal" family life. It won't help, it will make it all worse.

 

Your wife needs excitement? Well, hire a nanny so she can go back to work, or do some fun hobbies to keep her busy and not in "mommy" mode.

 

Communicate everything that you've said here to your wife! You don't want the open marriage, well speak up and definately think about marriage counselling.

[Portage]

Another vote for Nay. It will rip you further apart. Seek professional help and keep it exclusive. I know a couple who pursued an open marriage. The jealousy and resentment had them separated in less than a year.

 

Go with your gut.

[Rooster_DAR]

Tell her you want to start with her best friend, and then move on to her other good looking friends and see what she says!

[BlueWolf]

being that i'm her first everything, i knew a long time ago that she would one day find herself being curious about being with someone else.

 

she says she feels trapped in our marriage, and doesnt know if she's in love with me anymore. the way she put it to me was "if i told you you couldnt smoke anymore it would just make you wanna smoke more. well knowing that i cant date anybody else, makes me wanna date more" i asked her why didnt she think of all this before we got married to which she replied ' i dunno, i was just taking everything a day at a time and figured everything would be alright.

 

a little background OR my responsibility in this mess: our troubles started about a couple of months or so ago when she told me she wanted me to step up in the romance department, she was feeling lonely, wanted me around more and not hanging out with my buddies all the time. so i stepped it up. big time. got my priorities straight. i even fell in love with her all over again truth be told.

but in spite of all my efforts, it just wasnt "doing" it for her.

she was totally stressed out at work (i'm stay at home dad getting ready to go back to school) and between that and taking care of our daughter she didnt feel she had the energy for us.

then she comes home last friday and says she wants to take a break. this is when she told me she felt trapped. i asked is there someone else? to which she solidly replied with a No. i've asked that question a few times, and she says there really isnt anyone else, she just needs to figure herself out. needs space. so i give her space. which was ok for the first couple of days, but she finally broke down when she came home and i was getting ready to leave for the evening (to give her space) and told me she didnt know what she meant by taking a break. then she says we're still taking a break till she figures out this whole open marriage thing that she hopes is a phase and she'll get over but still wants me around etc. very very confusing.

she says she hates herself for feeling this way, that she has no real good reason to want to end the relationship and told me that i'd been doing great the last couple of months, and that it was all her.

 

stupid question from a dumb guy: is this normal for 25 year old women to go through this in their lives? do i need to just hang in there, and let her figure all this out. i'm shocked she would even bring up having an open marriage cause that is totally not her style at all, she even said so herself, she just doesnt want to feel suffocated.

 

thanks

[BlueWolf]

then she calls me this morning just to say "i love you"

 

i'm very very very confused.

[Rooster_DAR]

She sounds like a narcissist.

[whichwayisup]

well knowing that i cant date anybody else, makes me wanna date more"

Then tell her she has a choice to make. Either she goes to marriage counselling with you and does individual counselling on her own OR she can move out though leave your child with you in the house. Sorry, but that line "makes me wanna date more" doesn't wash, not when you're married, made a committment and a child, a family unit.

 

She sounds immature and needs to grow up and think of others instead of just HERSELF.

She has to think of her child and what's best, not just "I'm bored and wanna see what else is out there." That's crap.

 

I hope she isn't cheating on you..

[LucreziaBorgia]

She doesn't want an open marriage. She wants a regular marriage with an infidelity clause - she wants to cheat with your permission. People who are in true polyamorous and polygamous marriages are open and honest about outside partners, and have rules they follow. The fact that 'she doesn't want to know about it' says to me that she isn't interested in openness and honesty.

 

i asked is there someone else? to which she solidly replied with a No. i've asked that question a few times, and she says there really isnt anyone else, she just needs to figure herself out. needs space.

 

She isn't likely to say yes - she knows that you will be angry and hurt. She doesn't want you to be angry and hurt. She knows that if you are, you are more likely to say 'no' to her open marriage idea. Trust me on this one - people who give you the time and space line and ask to see other people either already are seeing someone, or have someone picked out and are ready to go.

 

She is interested in being with the man she has almost certainly already been with or at the very least wants to be with. She will accept you doing the same because of her guilt over her own groundwork that she has likely already laid, not because she wants you to find an outside arrangement.

 

Open marriage partners are secure in their marriage. They don't choose open marriage because they are guilty or unhappy with a traditional one. They choose open marriage because they are happy with it, and want to expand it to include outside partners. If you try to fix a broken marriage with an open arrangement, all it will get you is a divorce. Unhappy partners tend to look for happiness on the outside, and nearly always fall in love and want to leave the marriage. Which, if you do this - will almost certainly happen. If she doesn't leave, all you will have are two unhappy people f*cking other people. That isn't an open marriage.

 

If you want to salvage your marriage, it absolutely cannot be 'opened' under these circumstances. If she wants the open marriage, she has to fix this one first. Give her a choice: marriage counseling or divorce. Period. Unhealthy marriages cannot survive an "open" arrangement.

[Darth Vader]

being that i'm her first everything, i knew a long time ago that she would one day find herself being curious about being with someone else.

 

she says she feels trapped in our marriage, and doesnt know if she's in love with me anymore. the way she put it to me was "if i told you you couldnt smoke anymore it would just make you wanna smoke more. well knowing that i cant date anybody else, makes me wanna date more" i asked her why didnt she think of all this before we got married to which she replied ' i dunno, i was just taking everything a day at a time and figured everything would be alright.

 

a little background OR my responsibility in this mess: our troubles started about a couple of months or so ago when she told me she wanted me to step up in the romance department, she was feeling lonely, wanted me around more and not hanging out with my buddies all the time. so i stepped it up. big time. got my priorities straight. i even fell in love with her all over again truth be told.

but in spite of all my efforts, it just wasnt "doing" it for her.

she was totally stressed out at work (i'm stay at home dad getting ready to go back to school) and between that and taking care of our daughter she didnt feel she had the energy for us.

then she comes home last friday and says she wants to take a break. this is when she told me she felt trapped. i asked is there someone else? to which she solidly replied with a No. i've asked that question a few times, and she says there really isnt anyone else, she just needs to figure herself out. needs space. so i give her space. which was ok for the first couple of days, but she finally broke down when she came home and i was getting ready to leave for the evening (to give her space) and told me she didnt know what she meant by taking a break. then she says we're still taking a break till she figures out this whole open marriage thing that she hopes is a phase and she'll get over but still wants me around etc. very very confusing.

she says she hates herself for feeling this way, that she has no real good reason to want to end the relationship and told me that i'd been doing great the last couple of months, and that it was all her.

 

stupid question from a dumb guy: is this normal for 25 year old women to go through this in their lives? do i need to just hang in there, and let her figure all this out. i'm shocked she would even bring up having an open marriage cause that is totally not her style at all, she even said so herself, she just doesnt want to feel suffocated.

 

thanks

 

She says there's no one else? YES THERE IS! It's apparent that it's from work, probably a co-worker she'd like to ride! She said she has stress from work, well, there is such a thing as sexual stress isn't there? You not being romantic enough or that you weren't "doing it for her" is bullcrap! Me thinks something is up on the workfront!

[Lizzie60]

i'll try and make this brief. wife and i have been together almost seven years and married almost two.i'm her "first" everything and we have a three year old daughter together.

 

last night she suggested we have an open marriage, cause she feels trapped.she says she's too young to feel so old. she wants to get out and have a good time. she feels horrible about checking out other guys but she does, which i told her was totally fine and normal, she IS human after all. i told her i check out other women and have even had crushes during our relationship, but never did anything about them cause i loved her and knew better. she says she's trying to reverse-psychologize herself, cause she doesnt really see herself messing around with anyone, just wants to feel like she could if she wanted to guilt free. she also says she thinks this is just a phase, and she hates herself for feeling this way.

 

of course i'm allowed the same, ("you'd get more action than i would" she said)as long as she doesnt know about it. to which i replied "then everytime i go out you're gonna be wondering if i'm sleeping with some other woman" that kinda got her to change her thinking. and besides i really dont want to sleep with anyone other than her.i'm a one woman kinda guy. i made that peace with myself when i decided i was going to marry her.

i stalled and said i'd have to really think about this whole open marriage thing, even though in my heart i've already decided i'm totally against it.

would greatly appreciate anyone's thoughts and ideas.

 

With my first ex.. I really wanted an 'open marriage' (common-law)... but it didn't work..

 

My guess is that she is not as much in love with you anymore (I could be wrong) but I'm talking from my experience.. I was fantasizing about other men.. maybe she's wishing for an A.. if she's not already in one..

[PRSun]

Unless you started the relationship with the "swinger" ideal in mind, open relationships are generally not a good idea. While swingers have the gypsy spirit, from the get go, growing your own is quite difficult. A monogomus marriage or relationships will often feel strain despite anyformal arrangment made between and concerning either memeber of the party because, for a typical relationship, the feelings behind this corse of action are rooted in deeper problems.

 

Sorry to say you probobly need to have some kind of marriage counseling, which I've heard from friends is more like good marriage rehab. Alot of screaming, a lot of bringing up of feelings held back, pain crying etc etc...but formost, it promotes honesty which is the foundation of relationship.

[BlueWolf]

i told her tonite that i will not stand for an open marriage. she said she knows and she doesnt really want one either. she also said if she wanted to be done with the relationship, she would be done. she said she does want to make it work.

 

she wants to see results from me, and its gonna take some time. she says she has walls up against me that need to come down. i told her that i realize i helped her build those walls.

 

here's a little more background OR my responsibility in this mess: when my wife got pregnant, i wasnt very available. i was the only one working, and when i wasnt working, i was partying with my buddies. she held on hoping i would grow up and held on and held on, and this has gone on for about 3 or 4 years. in short i took my wife and my new family for granted.

 

when she went back to work, i left my job to stay at home with daughter. when wife would come home from work i'd stick around for an hour or so and then take off to party with my buddies. every night.

so at about the time i realized i was royally F***ing up was about the time she put her foot down (this was a couple of months ago) so like i said earlier, i made some drastic changes and reprioritized my life. problem is she says she feels like she's turned off the connections and feels like we havent really been together for 3 or 4 years, just been more like roommates. she says does still love me and does notice that Now that i'm putting in work she's trying really hard to have feelings but its very difficult on top of work stress and raising our daughter. she says she's done all she can for now and wants to see results and hopes we can reconnect.

 

i'm trying to get back into school, get a vehicle, all that good stuff.

i know this is gonna take time. more than just a couple of months. she says me going back to school is a good start.

 

i would like to go to marriage counseling, except unfortunately that's not an option because of money issues.

 

advice, hints, tips, words of wisdom would be most appreciated.

[carhill]

Um, stay at home with your family instead of partying? Apologies if that's already completed.

 

Ratchet up the romance. She's a mommy but she's a damn hot mommy. Make her feel that way. I'm presuming you were very sexual and there was mutual desire and intimacy in the past.

 

Save on the snacks and the Starbucks and try to get some MC. Some therapists will offer a reduced rate to people in true financial difficulty. Insurance, if you have it, may cover some of the cost and also may reduce the rate through a provider contract. Look into it anyway, even if you don't think you can afford it. If you attend a church, they often have free counseling for members.

[PRSun]

Don't try to do things any more. Take command of your life and see things through from now on. If you plan on going back to school, working buying things make sure you see it through and do it with confidence.

 

Everyone can afford marriage counseling of some kind. There are too many forms for varying levels of expence even to none that are available even here in the middle of the desert. Trust me, where ever you live it's more acceable then it is here and that doesn't stop my neighbors from getting it. "Too expensive" is a bad excuse lol!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Nothing you do will help at all if there is already another man in the picture. Rule that out completely before you proceed. Your situation was absolutely ripe for an affair. Do not take her word for it. I'm telling you - people do not give the time/space + dating others bullsh*t unless they are already in the process of doing that.

[BlueWolf]

how do i find out if she's having an affair?

[Meaplus3]

i'll try and make this brief. wife and i have been together almost seven years and married almost two.i'm her "first" everything and we have a three year old daughter together.

 

last night she suggested we have an open marriage, cause she feels trapped.she says she's too young to feel so old. she wants to get out and have a good time. she feels horrible about checking out other guys but she does, which i told her was totally fine and normal, she IS human after all. i told her i check out other women and have even had crushes during our relationship, but never did anything about them cause i loved her and knew better. she says she's trying to reverse-psychologize herself, cause she doesnt really see herself messing around with anyone, just wants to feel like she could if she wanted to guilt free. she also says she thinks this is just a phase, and she hates herself for feeling this way.

 

of course i'm allowed the same, ("you'd get more action than i would" she said)as long as she doesnt know about it. to which i replied "then everytime i go out you're gonna be wondering if i'm sleeping with some other woman" that kinda got her to change her thinking. and besides i really dont want to sleep with anyone other than her.i'm a one woman kinda guy. i made that peace with myself when i decided i was going to marry her.

i stalled and said i'd have to really think about this whole open marriage thing, even though in my heart i've already decided i'm totally against it.

would greatly appreciate anyone's thoughts and ideas.

 

I'm glad to hear that deep down your really against this. I really tend to believe that this type of situation could cause way more harm then good to a marriage or in general any LTR. If your wife is feeling old and trapped then she needs to figure out why. Perhaps therapy our marriage counseling would be of help. Best of luck.

 

AP:)

[BlueWolf]

whew!

my wife is not having an affair.

 

dont ask me how i know, i just do.

 

my problem was what i basically laid out in my earlier posts in this thread. i took my wife for granted. i wasnt available physically, emotionally, or spiritually cause i was too busy partying.

 

also, i was not doing anything with my life, and fellas let me tell you there is nothing less attractive to a woman than an un-ambitious man.

 

women want to be with men, not boys.

 

we've been talking. i have a lot of work to do, but she's giving me a chance. we're reconnecting. in a way we're kinda starting over. we're meeting each other for the first time all over again in a way, and there's definitely an attraction. (well duh:rolleyes:) its a fresh start.

 

i'm proving to her that she is my number one and my family is my number one priority, and i'm just gonna keep doing that till death do us part.

 

so men, take it from me, be good to your women. dont take them for granted. and they will be good to you, and bring you more joy than you ever knew.

 

i'm SOOO lucky mine hung in there for me, i imagine most women would not have put up with my crap for as long as she did, but still, i almost lost her.

 

i'm a lucky man indeed.

 

 

thanks PRsun and carhill, you both hit it right on the head

Edited April 3, 2008 by BlueWolf

[mental_traveller]

Hi Bluewolf, sorry to hear about your situation. In my opinion, your wife didn't consider marriage properly, and made a decision at a stage when she was too immature to handle the consequences. That's one risk of marrying young, with your first serious gf/bf. So what should you do now?

 

There are two possibilities - one, she is just experiencing fairly normal second thoughts, just a kind of curiosity, and it's a short-lived phase which will pass. Two, she no longer wants to be married and nothing you can do will change her mind. If it's case 2, then the only thing to do is to divorce, chalk it down to experience, and move on. Trying to stay will just give you years of heartbreak and she will probably have an affair. If it's case 1, then you have a reasonable chance to save the marriage if you go to counselling and she agrees to go with you and takes it seriously (i.e. tells the truth, doesn't resent being dragged along, thinks it can help etc).

 

So if I were in your shoes, I'd sit her down and tell her you aren't prepared to accept having a "break" or an open marriage - under no circumstances would this be acceptable. Then offer her the choice - either get a divorce now, after which she can date anyone she likes; or go to marriage counselling, to see if this is what she really wants, or just a passing phase of curiosity and wondering "what might have been". Basically you have to put it to her - does she want to be married or not? If not, then the only thing you will accept is divorce; do NOT accept an open marriage, a break, a separation, her dating around, or anything else. Either she wants to be married, in which case get counselling and work on it, or she doesn't - in which case you should not be married to her.

 

It's as simple as that really.