rebound? paranoia? what the he** happened?

[trigger]

So I met this guy in December through a local personals ad. I am 33 and he is 36.

 

He said he had been single for a while.

 

We hit it off immediately and had such an amazingly great time together, and became very close and intimate. It was amazing how compatible and similar we were, and I was so happy. It was so easy to hang out with him. Sooo easy. This guy was the man of my dreams, and he treated me so well, and with a lot of respect. Or so I thought.

 

A couple weeks after we had been seeing each other, I asked him if he had a Myspace account. He looked me in the eyes and said "no". I knew this not to be true because I did a search on his name and there he was.

 

I immediately asked why he lied. He said he was embarrassed to be 36 and have a Myspace account and that he never updated it. This I also knew not to be true, but I didn't mention it.

 

This little lie bugged me a bit, but I tried to forget about it and figured, well I don't know him that well and he's a pretty private person, and it's just Myspace.

 

The next morning I guess he felt bad because he decided to get on my computer and show me pictures of himself on his Myspace account.

 

After he left I went to look at the pictures again because they were in my browser history and I like looking at him because I find him extremely attractive. There was a comment from a woman under one of his pictures and I went to her profile. It became immediately clear that this was the ex, and the last comment from him was a mere 3 weeks before he and I had met, at it sounded as if they were still together at that point. I said nothing about this. Maybe there was something I didn't know.

 

He eventually told me about his ex, who was a narcissistic bitch who had been living a double life and seeing someone else while she was seeing him. He said she lied all the time and made him feel bad about himself a lot, and they fought a lot. He also told me they had their last breakup in September. I knew this not to be true from the Myspace thing, but again I said to myself maybe there is something I do not know so I will not make a deal out of it.

 

One day I casually asked if he was or was planning to date anyone else, because I was wondering if I should take my personals ad down because people were paying to send me messages and didn't want people to continue wasting their money. After all we were having sex and stuff. First he said "well I'm taking it easy right now". I asked him what that meant and he said "well, your answer is no, I don't plan on dating anyone else." So I took my profile down, but it took 3 times of me mentioning it before he took his down.

 

I began to notice he mentioned his ex nearly every time I saw him, so I said straight out "I kind of wonder if I am a rebound for you. It kinda bugs me." he looked really surprised and said "well, I haven't thought about it. I feel present with you. I am still working on some stuff but I'm not thinking about her constantly or anything." He said he was more mad at himself for staying with her than at her, but he also said he had still been unable to forgive her.

 

I continued to see him and everything was still totally wonderful. So wonderful I would get these "too good to be true" thoughts. And a knot in my gut that wouldn't go away. And other weird things like he didn't sleep in his own bed even though it was brand new and very comfortable and slept on the couch instead. He also worked all the time, like people do when they can't deal with something. And other things.

 

So one day I'm browsing the personals ads for no real reason, and find one that sounds exactly like him. I mean, exactly. No photos except silhouettes, so I couldn't be sure, but there were things on there that he said verbatim to me. Could he really have put up another profile? And why, since we were so great together?

 

So I called him that night and asked if it was him. He flat out said "no". I then told him that I didn't trust him because of the little lies he had told. He said, "all I can say is just give it time, it takes me a while to open up to people." I told him to stop telling lies about stupid stuff and he said okay.

 

The next day the mystery profile was taken down. This made me feel really weird, so I didnt respond to his text messages the next day. The day after that he asked why I ignored him and I told him that I had some concerns and wanted to talk to him about them. He said he understood.

 

I tried to get him to tell me when he was available to talk to me and he kept skirting the issue for several days and became a little distantly weird about it, until I got so frustrated I just went to his house.

 

I asked him about all the things he lied about, none of which he denied except the mystery profile. It was actually a really honest and amazing and intense conversation. He admitted he was not 100% and felt f*cked up and like a total loser, and that I was right that there had only been a couple of weeks since he broke up with the other girl before he starting seeing me. That even his apartment is haunted with the memory of his horrid ex. "Timing is everything!" he said to me. "You are all the friend and lover I could ever want." "I know" I said. Because I do know this to be true. And I told him how special I thought he was, and that he shouldn't feel like a loser. He said "and I know she is going to show up again!" He also admitted he met her for coffee one time while we were dating and it ended in him storming out.

 

So we decided to "take it easy" for a couple of months and see how it goes. We continued to keep in contact as usual, though he seemed a little depressed. A week later he sends a text that says "I feel like sh*t about everything. You are rad and deserve more than what I gave you and I am so truly sorry." We continued to keep in contact, though it felt a little cold and distant.

 

Soon after that mystery profile reappeared, and I wrote to whoever it was, because if it wasn't the guy I was dating, I was curious about who this person was because he sounded like someone I would have liked. No response. I'm an attractive woman, so this weirded me out more than a little.

 

My intuition started to go crazy, so a few days later I made a fake profile. Everything I wrote about me was true, but I used someone else's photo, someone who was similar to me. Within 10 minutes of me posting the profile, the mystery profile guy wrote to me. I chatted with him over a couple of emails and he sent me photos.

 

It was indeed the guy I was dating. The profile said all this stuff about how important honesty and integrity was to him, so after I got the photos and confirmed it was him I wrote "Honesty and integrity? Please. Good luck." and signed my name.

 

He immediately began sending me a bunch of texts about how somewhere along the way he lost his principles and was very unhappy and confused, and apologized a million times for involving me in his bullsh*t, that I deserved more, that he felt so empty no matter what he did, and that he acted in direct conflict to his values. I told him he probably shouldn't be going around trying to date people if he was just going to hurt them, and that I felt violated. The last thing he said was "now is the part where I disappear, and harm you no more. I wont be able to look you in the eyes ever again." That killed me, and was the last thing he ever said to me. I told him that I missed him already and would be thinking of him, and that he would know how to find me when he was able to see clearly, and I told him to take care of himself.

 

This was about a week and a half ago. I hate that it happened over text.

 

He is still on the personals site and logs in everyday, though I am seriously the only person worth dating on there, and I'm obviously the right girl for him, so I don't get it at all. He changed his age and height, why, I do not know. He took out the part about honesty and integrity.

 

I know he used to be a drug addict (totally sober for about 10 years) and I know he is a very addictive personality, which maybe had something to do with it? Though don't get me wrong, he's a very stable guy with 2 great jobs that he loves and a very full life and he is close to his family, but I guess addictions show up in other areas of life when you quit the drugs. I don't know if he's addicted to love or sex or what it is though.

 

I feel like maybe I was snooping too much or something and maybe should have just left everything alone for a few months until he got his head together? I regret putting up that fake profile, because now he will never talk to me again. Maybe I should have just left things as is and took it easy for a couple of months. It doesn't make sense, because I was certain that this was someone I would know for the rest of my life, whether we were together or not.

 

I miss him terribly, but I can't decide if he lied about all these things because he's really really confused, or actually a jerk? Or what?

 

Do you think we will seriously never talk again? It doesn't make sense to me. Everything ended too abruptly and suddenly, I don't know how to deal. I oscillate between severe anger and utter sadness and it sucks. Bad. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, except of course for the lies. It's like I met the right person at TOTALLY the wrong time.

 

I wish he would come to me and apologize and try to make things right, but is this asking to much? Is he just a player? Though I feel like he put a profile in the first place looking for a distraction but met me and actually liked me and told me all these lies so that I wouldn't go away if I found out he just broke up with someone. I dunno. I almost want to write the ex and ask her what the deal is. I know she hates him.

 

Thank you for reading all of this. I sorely need some insight here.

Edited April 1, 2008 by trigger

[shadowplay]

Some observations based on this thread others you've started

 

1) You choose the wrong guys

2) You come off as overly needy because you get attached too fast and put up with too much sh%t.

3) You idealize/put guys on a pedestal, which feeds into the other two problems. You seem to be in a bit of a fantasy world in terms of how you view relationships. I get the sense you're in love with the idea of being in love. It's not so much about the guy per se.

 

Let me elaborate on how you choose the wrong guys.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you see to go for emo, goth, alternative type guys. Overgrown teenagers. Unfortunately guys like this are more likely to be ****ed up in some way, especially if they're any older than 18 (he's right to be embarrassed about having a myspace at the age of 36). This personality type usually goes along with wimpiness for one thing. Maybe start seeking guys who are more normal, mature and grounded. You want someone who is just like you, but what you really NEED is someone who shares your positive traits and not your negative ones.

Edited April 1, 2008 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

Some observations based on this thread others you've started

 

1) You choose the wrong guys

2) You come off as overly needy because you get attached too fast and put up with too much sh%t.

3) You idealize/put guys on a pedestal, which feeds into the other two problems. You seem to be in a bit of a fantasy world in terms of how you view relationships. I get the sense you're in love with the idea of being in love. It's not so much about the guy per se.

 

Wow. Totally agree, and feel terrified that I think the same way about myself.

[trigger]

Some observations based on this thread others you've started

 

1) You choose the wrong guys

2) You come off as overly needy because you get attached too fast and put up with too much sh%t.

3) You idealize/put guys on a pedestal, which feeds into the other two problems. You seem to be in a bit of a fantasy world in terms of how you view relationships. I get the sense you're in love with the idea of being in love. It's not so much about the guy per se.

 

Let me elaborate on how you choose the wrong guys.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you see to go for emo, goth, alternative type guys. Overgrown teenagers. Unfortunately guys like this are more likely to be ****ed up in some way, especially if they're any older than 18 (he's right to be embarrassed about having a myspace at the age of 36). This personality type usually goes along with wimpiness for one thing. Maybe start seeking guys who are more normal, mature and grounded. You want someone who is just like you, but what you really NEED is someone who shares your positive traits and not your negative ones.

 

I very much appreciate you blunt honesty.

 

First of all I that "emo, goth, alternative" comment made me chuckle. While I and the people I date aren't "emo or goth" (actually those are turn-offs for me, especially if you are in your 30s) But we are rock musicians, we are weird people in general I guess. But that doesn't automatically mean we all have issues.

 

But yes, the overgrown teenagers do seem to find me somehow.

 

I am so sick of these stupid situations, I want something real and honest and open, and I thought I was done with these stupid guys. I have been very conscious this whole time of my past tendency to put guys on pedestals and live in some fantasy land. This is why I did my best to be honest with myself and confront him with the issues that were bothering me instead of believing I was just being crazy.

 

This time I was REALLY trying to be careful and very cautious. If you've read my other posts, you know that not long ago I got my heart broken in another quasi-rebound situation with an overgrown teenager. I wanted to be convinced that this new guy was worth something before my feeling got too strong. I felt like I was the one in control of this relationship; I confronted the issues that were bothering me. Only he couldn't deal.

 

At least once a week (usually on Thursdays for whatever reason) while dating this guy I would have "intuition pangs" and would want to break up with him. Partially because I didn't feel ready (I was still having pangs over the last guy for the first couple weeks, though I did get over him because the new guy blew him out of the water), but after that it was the white lies that freaked me out. But my friends really really liked him and said he seemed really sincere and that he actually cared for me, and they told me to stop acting crazy and paranoid.

 

I honestly thought that he *did* share my positive traits.

 

It seemed he did his best to put his best face on for me, to prove to himself or whoever that he IS a good man and IS worth something, which is stuff his ex made him doubt about himself.

[trigger]

I guess I posted because I just wanted to know if I did something wrong here. But, you know, I don't think that I did. I do not think I put him on a pedestal. I just had a really great time being with him.

 

After some thought I feel kind of like you are saying that *I* am the one with the problem, not him. I know I did not come off as needy, and I didn't feel needy or desperate at all while I was dating him. Why is it ME the one with the problem?

 

I'm so sick of blaming myself.

 

How was I supposed to know he would turn out to be a liar?

[dreamergrl]

Maybe this guy just wants to play the field, but didn't want to tell you that because he wanted to keep you around.

 

If OP did check him in lies - that doesn't make it her fault.

 

With that said - perhaps it's best to have a guy who's a little more straight forward with what he wants. It doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page (assuming that mystery profile was his).

[trigger]

Maybe this guy just wants to play the field, but didn't want to tell you that because he wanted to keep you around.

 

This is what I think. But I'm no longer the type to be "kept around" and I think I made that clear. I think he was looking for a distraction to take his mind off his ex, but found me and actually liked me and got freaked out and surprised and really confused.

 

If OP did check him in lies - that doesn't make it her fault.

 

With that said - perhaps it's best to have a guy who's a little more straight forward with what he wants. It doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page (assuming that mystery profile was his).

 

Yep it was his profile. This has been confirmed (story is in original post though I know its kinda long to read the whole thing.)

 

My horse for a man who knows what he wants.

[garnet]

He sounds like a real creep to me. He flat out lied to you on numerous occasions. Even if he did come back around somehow and said he had changed, you'd never be able to trust him.

 

Honesty is a deal breaker for me. I'm so sorry you're in pain, but he is not the person you wanted to believe he was. You deserve so much better. I'd be really angry if I were you.

[Jilly Bean]

Hon, I see nothing wrong with you sleuthing.

 

What I do have a problem with, is why you would keep a guy around that you caught in lie and after lie, and why you would even want him back in your life? He lied about the myspace, the ex, about not dating other women. I mean - you caught him with a profile he put up, all presumably so you wouldn't find him out? Or, assume that ALL the other women wouldn't find him out.

 

Personally, I truly do value honesty, and I couldn't have someone in my life like this who lies over and over. I mean, if you can't trust him, why would you want him?

[trigger]

Sometimes it's hard to tell if the lies are lies, or just my own paranoia, without having proof, you know?

 

The only lie that was truly a lie at first was the "do you have a Myspace account" question. It weirded me out but at that point we didn't know each other that well and I assumed there were probably comments from his ex on there that he didn't want me to see and freak out unnecessarily about. All the others I had no real proof of until the end, just a nagging gut feeling until then.

 

I do not believe he was dating other people while he was seeing me, even though he seemed to be out there looking, playing the field, not ready to commit to anything but not really aware of it.

 

Last thing I want is a guy that lies. Of course. He was always all on about honesty and integrity and being honorable and stuff, and I cared for him and believed he was really doing his best to be honest but was too confused to be able to do that.

 

It's hard letting go of someone you deeply cared about and really connected with even though you know you can't trust them.

 

But, I guess it's not a real connection if there was no trust.

 

Gah. This sucks bad.

[Jilly Bean]

Wait, you wrote that he first lied about even having an account. Then he lied about how he never uses it. Then he lied about when he broke up with his ex. Then he lied and said he didn't post a personal ad, when you caught him doing just that. Then he put up ANOTHER ad, and lied about that as well.

 

So, from where Im sitting, he lied more than the ONCE you claim. He lied to you over and over, was dating other women while dating you (if he wasn't, then why was he continually posting profiles and then pursuing the women who wrote him?)

 

But, still the larger issue exists, and it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.

 

Your gut told you over and over that he was lying, yet you tolerated it and even have now rationalized (or plain forgotten) what he had done. I fault him for being a jerk and a liar, but then I have to fault you for continuing to WANT this energy in your life.

 

Love yourself first, hon. If you don't, no one else ever will...

[dreamergrl]

Sometimes it's hard to tell if the lies are lies, or just my own paranoia, without having proof, you know?

 

 

I can completely understand this. Sometimes you wonder if it's a real legit feeling or if you're just being insecure

[Advocate's Devilette]

Well, I did think you should not have gone to his house and you went too far with confronting him. It doesn't sound like you were really his girlfriend, you were dating him and sleeping with him. When a guy states "Well, I am not planning on seeing anyone else" that is the same as him saying "I am not committed to you. If I do meet someone else I am attracted to, I will date and sleep with them, also, if I am seeing you or not."

 

See, he had no obligations or commitments to you, so it wasn't your place to call him out on his lies really. You could have realized he was a jerk, which you already knew before you confronted him. So you already have the information he is a creep, why did you need to confront him? You weren't in a committed relationship, it wasn't your place. Sorry, you did go to far. I am not saying he isn't a creep, he is, but your behavior does sort of point to being needy and in a dreamworld.

[peace_pipe]

It's hard letting go of someone you deeply cared about and really connected with even though you know you can't trust them.

 

But, I guess it's not a real connection if there was no trust.

 

Gah. This sucks bad.

 

I'm right there myself. I feel the same way. Read my recent post if you wish...

[peace_pipe]

I can completely understand this. Sometimes you wonder if it's a real legit feeling or if you're just being insecure

 

Are you reading my mind?

[dreamergrl]

Are you reading my mind?

 

That or I'm the same way

 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you had that gut feeling, but your SO made you feel as though you were crazy for even thinking it?

[shadowplay]

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse here, but you really should ditch the tortured rocker/artist types. I know how attractive they can seem from a distance, but in 90% of cases they have more baggage than regular guys.

 

The mother of a friend is in her mid forties and dates rockers almost exclusively. She's a real character. She never married, but has gone through more musicians than she has clothes hanging in her wardrobe. Right now I believe she's seeing the lead singer of Mission of Burma. She meets a lot of them online, selling herself as "MILF" who's young and wild at heart . She's actually kind of a b!!tch, but that's beside the point. The problem is she can't get any of these guys to commit, and the few who have been willing to are so fvucked up that they're not worth committing to (drugs, etc.). It's depressing.

 

The one guy she was happy with was unlike the rest -- mature with a stable, normal job. He broke up with her after a few months because she was too irresponsible.

Edited April 3, 2008 by shadowplay

[Cobra_X30]

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse here, but you really should ditch the tortured rocker/artist types. I know how attractive they can seem from a distance, but in 90% of cases they have more baggage than regular guys.

 

This is great advice!

 

Personally, I can't see what any woman sees in the musician types. I mean as a group they are just complete douchebags and losers. I was talking to my friend about this yesterday. Something about standing up on a stage must make guys seem unresistably attractive.

[dreamergrl]

This is great advice!

 

Personally, I can't see what any woman sees in the musician types. I mean as a group they are just complete douchebags and losers. I was talking to my friend about this yesterday. Something about standing up on a stage must make guys seem unresistably attractive.

 

Been there, done that, never again! The ones I've dated seem so full of themselves.

[Cobra_X30]

Been there, done that, never again! The ones I've dated seem so full of themselves.

 

Hey I totally understand!

 

For some reason I decided maybe dating models would work for me. I tried 2 and changed my mind completely. Any woman who's profession requires they be judged on appearance... not for me!

[underpants]

So I met this guy in December through a local personals ad. I am 33 and he is 36.

 

He said he had been single for a while.

 

Evasive honesty. Can't say I blame him, but the whole kind of lie, kind of truth thing is indicative of a manipulative type.

A lie, although subtle. 1

 

We hit it off immediately and had such an amazingly great time together, and became very close and intimate. It was amazing how compatible and similar we were, and I was so happy. It was so easy to hang out with him. Sooo easy. This guy was the man of my dreams, and he treated me so well, and with a lot of respect. Or so I thought.

 

Too much, too perfect, too soon. Sweep you off your feet thing. Ah, that fall hurts.

 

A couple weeks after we had been seeing each other, I asked him if he had a Myspace account. He looked me in the eyes and said "no". I knew this not to be true because I did a search on his name and there he was.

 

A lie, and a stupid one. 2

 

I immediately asked why he lied. He said he was embarrassed to be 36 and have a Myspace account and that he never updated it. This I also knew not to be true, but I didn't mention it.

 

Back paddle.

3

 

This little lie bugged me a bit, but I tried to forget about it and figured, well I don't know him that well and he's a pretty private person, and it's just Myspace.

 

I see, you had begun a file on this man. Gathering ...evidence.

 

The next morning I guess he felt bad because he decided to get on my computer and show me pictures of himself on his Myspace account.

 

Back paddle.

 

After he left I went to look at the pictures again because they were in my browser history and I like looking at him because I find him extremely attractive. There was a comment from a woman under one of his pictures and I went to her profile. It became immediately clear that this was the ex, and the last comment from him was a mere 3 weeks before he and I had met, at it sounded as if they were still together at that point. I said nothing about this. Maybe there was something I didn't know.

 

Oh, I would have had to say something or backed way off. You were (whether he wanted to admit it, to you or himself) rebound material. That is way too soon.

 

He eventually told me about his ex, who was a narcissistic bitch who had been living a double life and seeing someone else while she was seeing him. He said she lied all the time and made him feel bad about himself a lot, and they fought a lot. He also told me they had their last breakup in September. I knew this not to be true from the Myspace thing, but again I said to myself maybe there is something I do not know so I will not make a deal out of it.

 

Back paddle ...high side....you are going into a bad rapid. They may have officially broken up in Sept, but they are still very much in contact.

 

One day I casually asked if he was or was planning to date anyone else, because I was wondering if I should take my personals ad down because people were paying to send me messages and didn't want people to continue wasting their money. After all we were having sex and stuff. First he said "well I'm taking it easy right now". I asked him what that meant and he said "well, your answer is no, I don't plan on dating anyone else." So I took my profile down, but it took 3 times of me mentioning it before he took his down.

 

He is telling you just enough so that he does not sound like a jerk. However, he words do seem at the very least not very into you. It just sounds evasive and non committal. If a guy likes you (really likes you) then they don't say evasive crap like that. He basically, let himself off the hook for future behaviour that he is open to whilst keeping you around. As long as you will agree or put up with it, or until the ex comes back, or until someone else comes into the picture. You should have ended it here. Shut it down and told him to contact you when he found himself in a better place, or not at all. Or, settle for a fwb relationship. You sound too emotionally invested for that however.

 

I began to notice he mentioned his ex nearly every time I saw him, so I said straight out "I kind of wonder if I am a rebound for you. It kinda bugs me." he looked really surprised and said "well, I haven't thought about it. I feel present with you. I am still working on some stuff but I'm not thinking about her constantly or anything." He said he was more mad at himself for staying with her than at her, but he also said he had still been unable to forgive her.

 

Firstly,

Secondly...."I feel present with you" is loosley translated to "let us enjoy the moment and let me enjoy my whims". (right now I'm here). Further translated = not reliable.

 

I continued to see him and everything was still totally wonderful. So wonderful I would get these "too good to be true" thoughts. And a knot in my gut that wouldn't go away. And other weird things like he didn't sleep in his own bed even though it was brand new and very comfortable and slept on the couch instead. He also worked all the time, like people do when they can't deal with something. And other things.

 

Bail, bail, bail.....she is going under.

 

So one day I'm browsing the personals ads for no real reason, and find one that sounds exactly like him. I mean, exactly. No photos except silhouettes, so I couldn't be sure, but there were things on there that he said verbatim to me. Could he really have put up another profile? And why, since we were so great together?

 

Yea, right. Your gut was screaming at you.

4

 

So I called him that night and asked if it was him. He flat out said "no". I then told him that I didn't trust him because of the little lies he had told. He said, "all I can say is just give it time, it takes me a while to open up to people." I told him to stop telling lies about stupid stuff and he said okay.

 

Gosh, this guy just sucks.

5 and future 6

 

 

The next day the mystery profile was taken down. This made me feel really weird, so I didnt respond to his text messages the next day. The day after that he asked why I ignored him and I told him that I had some concerns and wanted to talk to him about them. He said he understood.

 

...and dumb.

 

I tried to get him to tell me when he was available to talk to me and he kept skirting the issue for several days and became a little distantly weird about it, until I got so frustrated I just went to his house.

 

I asked him about all the things he lied about, none of which he denied except the mystery profile. It was actually a really honest and amazing and intense conversation. He admitted he was not 100% and felt f*cked up and like a total loser, and that I was right that there had only been a couple of weeks since he broke up with the other girl before he starting seeing me. That even his apartment is haunted with the memory of his horrid ex. "Timing is everything!" he said to me. "You are all the friend and lover I could ever want." "I know" I said. Because I do know this to be true. And I told him how special I thought he was, and that he shouldn't feel like a loser. He said "and I know she is going to show up again!" He also admitted he met her for coffee one time while we were dating and it ended in him storming out.

 

6 lies so far and a "really honest" conversation?

You laid out his behavior and called him on his dishonestly. All he could do was play the I'm a loser card and hope for some sympathy. Sorry, it just sounds like he is invested in the ex. You need to jump ship.

 

6-7, I can't keep track anymore.

 

So we decided to "take it easy" for a couple of months and see how it goes. We continued to keep in contact as usual, though he seemed a little depressed. A week later he sends a text that says "I feel like sh*t about everything. You are rad and deserve more than what I gave you and I am so truly sorry." We continued to keep in contact, though it felt a little cold and distant.

 

Here is where I think you may have gone wrong. He showed you who he was but you wanted to believe so much in something that YOU wanted more. Hope is a dangerous thing and he was less then genuine to give that to you. Did you two still have sex? I'm guessing yes. He knew you wanted more and yet kept on doing what worked. He might have felt some guilt because he knew this but continued to keep up his deceptions. He did not want a real relationship with you. His loss and you didn't even give him that loss.

The one shot you might have had (I'm glad you didn't do it) was to leave him high and dry.

 

Soon after that mystery profile reappeared, and I wrote to whoever it was, because if it wasn't the guy I was dating, I was curious about who this person was because he sounded like someone I would have liked. No response. I'm an attractive woman, so this weirded me out more than a little.

 

Oh lordy. Another rapid. Paddles ready....

 

My intuition started to go crazy, so a few days later I made a fake profile. Everything I wrote about me was true, but I used someone else's photo, someone who was similar to me. Within 10 minutes of me posting the profile, the mystery profile guy wrote to me. I chatted with him over a couple of emails and he sent me photos.

 

Algae...slimey algae in this river.

 

It was indeed the guy I was dating. The profile said all this stuff about how important honesty and integrity was to him, so after I got the photos and confirmed it was him I wrote "Honesty and integrity? Please. Good luck." and signed my name.

 

Good for you. Is this the end of knowing him?

 

He immediately began sending me a bunch of texts about how somewhere along the way he lost his principles and was very unhappy and confused, and apologized a million times for involving me in his bullsh*t, that I deserved more, that he felt so empty no matter what he did, and that he acted in direct conflict to his values. I told him he probably shouldn't be going around trying to date people if he was just going to hurt them, and that I felt violated. The last thing he said was "now is the part where I disappear, and harm you no more. I wont be able to look you in the eyes ever again." That killed me, and was the last thing he ever said to me. I told him that I missed him already and would be thinking of him, and that he would know how to find me when he was able to see clearly, and I told him to take care of himself.

 

Understatement of the year.

So he saw the handwriting on the wall and sealed it with an apology. Then he gets on his little pony and rides off in the sunset.

...and then you said that. There are better ways to send this sort off.

 

This was about a week and a half ago. I hate that it happened over text.

 

Loose his number, his myspace, his email. Be done. This can only help you.

 

He is still on the personals site and logs in everyday, though I am seriously the only person worth dating on there, and I'm obviously the right girl for him, so I don't get it at all. He changed his age and height, why, I do not know. He took out the part about honesty and integrity.

 

Yea, so much for actions conflicting his values. Just adjust those pesky inconvienant values.

 

This guy is not relationship material, musician or not.

Are we up to 8?

 

I know he used to be a drug addict (totally sober for about 10 years) and I know he is a very addictive personality, which maybe had something to do with it? Though don't get me wrong, he's a very stable guy with 2 great jobs that he loves and a very full life and he is close to his family, but I guess addictions show up in other areas of life when you quit the drugs. I don't know if he's addicted to love or sex or what it is though.

 

Ya think? Who cares at this point? He showed you who he is. Stop trying to figure him into a worthy suitor. You only find yourself using pretzel logic and that is not good for the brain or heart.

 

I feel like maybe I was snooping too much or something and maybe should have just left everything alone for a few months until he got his head together? I regret putting up that fake profile, because now he will never talk to me again. Maybe I should have just left things as is and took it easy for a couple of months. It doesn't make sense, because I was certain that this was someone I would know for the rest of my life, whether we were together or not.

 

That is the only positive thing I read that you did.

 

Would you really, really? Rather live in denial and find out even later? You listened to your gut and found out that he was seeking other women. This is not the type of relationship you wanted with him. He even then just danced around the issue/boundary and continued to misled you. That guy is not good on many levels. He would have continued to hurt you...slowly. No wonder his ex left him.

 

I miss him terribly, but I can't decide if he lied about all these things because he's really really confused, or actually a jerk? Or what?

 

Jerks lie about these things. Again, stop trying to figure out crazy. A genuinely good person does not need to deceive others and knowingly hurt them.

Bottom line:

You two are incompatible and want different things. Also your approach to attain these things are spawned from different values. Be glad you found out the truth.

 

Do you think we will seriously never talk again? It doesn't make sense to me. Everything ended too abruptly and suddenly, I don't know how to deal. I oscillate between severe anger and utter sadness and it sucks. Bad. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, except of course for the lies. It's like I met the right person at TOTALLY the wrong time.

 

If you are lucky.

 

I wish he would come to me and apologize and try to make things right, but is this asking to much? Is he just a player? Though I feel like he put a profile in the first place looking for a distraction but met me and actually liked me and told me all these lies so that I wouldn't go away if I found out he just broke up with someone. I dunno. I almost want to write the ex and ask her what the deal is. I know she hates him.

 

Why, so he can lie some more?

 

Thank you for reading all of this. I sorely need some insight here.

 

Well,

 

Firstly I read you second post to be that you were the musican or that you both were.

 

Secondly, I wrote a bunch of smarty pants stuff up there but maybe some of it will help you or others.

 

It just takes time and distance. Give yourself that. He is one to walk away from.

 

Chin up.

[mortensorchid]

This is ... A bad albiet a strange situation here. All I can advise is that things are not all that great because of these situations (his hesitance, his little white lies about the MySpace page, etc.). Maybe you should just move on.

[trigger]

underpants --

 

Thank you for breaking all that down for me. It helps. Thank you for not blaming me for believing in love and believing in people, even if they are the wrong ones to believe in.

 

I can take and want criticism regarding my behavior, and of course I want to be smarter next time, but I think it's unfair to make me feel at fault because SOMEONE ELSE is an a**hole, and not even an obvious one. Perhaps I should have left sooner. Believe me, every week I made plans to, but, alas, I did not. I like having concrete proof before making judgments, so sue me. So I guess he just wanted something casual, but he very much made me believe otherwise. Lesson learned, okay?

 

But what's a girl to do? Why do I have to spend my time getting to know all the "dating rules" and every little minuscule "red flag" and every other little thing you are supposed to know and do in order to date? From reading posts on this forum, it's almost like this dating game is like some kind of math project where you have to do everything perfectly right and your stupid if you do the wrong thing or have trust in someone because you are supposed to know all the rules, or be bitter enough to assume your new date is automatically very guilty before proven innocent. Perhaps this is reality, but it's really lame in my eyes. I took "rules" and "lessons" and whatnot I learned here from my last breakup, and really really did my best to not make the same mistake, and was very conscious of it, but you know what, HERE I AM.

 

There are no rules! This is love! Love involves stupidity sometimes! Stupidity sometimes ends in love! Smartness sometimes ends with a broken heart! There is no reason or logic! All I can really do is be as honest as I can and communicate my needs AND THAT IS WHAT I DID.

 

Also I would like to say to some of you:

 

I find it REALLY insulting when people throw people into groups. Like all musicians have severe problems and are douchebags and are overgrown teenagers and terrible people and whatnot. Saying this is F*CKED and reeeeaaaally judgmental. Sure, many musicians are often dumb and egotistical retards. I don't date dumb egotistical retards. This guy was actually the first musician I have dated.

 

This is also very insulting because I AM A ROCK MUSICIAN MYSELF. And I am not a douchebag or an idiot and no where near a terrible person. I am responsible and kind and not a drug addict. I barely even drink. I have my share of issues, sure, but they are not any different than what "normal" people have.

 

So do not say stuff like "don't date musicians, don't date "alternative" types, don't date bartenders". It is so juvenile, and points to perhaps a chip on your shoulder. And it INSULTS ME.

 

Putting down groups of people is NOT that different than saying "all black people are this" or "all women are that". Very non-constructive.

 

Please excuse my caustic tone, but I do not have it in me right now to be diplomatic.

 

ANYWAY...

 

We are no longer in contact since the fake profile incident. It's been nearly 2 weeks now since the last text. Last I saw him was when I confronted him about the lies. I don't even know how long that has been. 3 weeks? A month?

 

Going back and forth between sadness and extreme anger. Feeling like a loser for the last thing I said being "I miss you and will be thinking about you" instead of "F*CK YOU!" and at other times really missing him, and then at other times wanting to slash his tires (no I don't EVER go through with things like that) or otherwise ruining his life, and other times feeling sorry for him, and at other times wanting to send him a "how are you" text, and yet other times wanting to send a "you are utter sh*t" message, other times wanting to write the ex and ask wtf his problem is.

 

But I will not do any of these things because I know my emotions are wayyyy too confused for me to take ANY kind of action at all right now, if ever.

Edited April 4, 2008 by trigger

[dreamergrl]

underpants --

 

 

 

I can take and want criticism regarding my behavior, and of course I want to be smarter next time, but I think it's unfair to make me feel at fault because SOMEONE ELSE is an a**hole, and not even an obvious one. Perhaps I should have left sooner. Believe me, every week I made plans to, but, alas, I did not. I like having concrete proof before making judgments, so sue me. So I guess he just wanted something casual, but he very much made me believe otherwise. Lesson learned, okay?

 

I hardly think you are at fault. Yes you made a mistake of sticking around a bit longer then others would have - but it happens. Some of us give the benefit of doubt more then others. It doesn't make it your fault for how he acted.

 

Also I would like to say to some of you:

 

I find it REALLY insulting when people throw people into groups. Like all musicians have severe problems and are douchebags and are overgrown teenagers and terrible people and whatnot. Saying this is F*CKED and reeeeaaaally judgmental. Sure, many musicians are often dumb and egotistical retards. I don't date dumb egotistical retards. This guy was actually the first musician I have dated.

 

This is also very insulting because I AM A ROCK MUSICIAN MYSELF. And I am not a douchebag or an idiot and no where near a terrible person. I am responsible and kind and not a drug addict. I barely even drink. I have my share of issues, sure, but they are not any different than what "normal" people have.

 

So do not say stuff like "don't date musicians, don't date "alternative" types, don't date bartenders". It is so juvenile, and points to perhaps a chip on your shoulder. And it INSULTS ME.

 

Putting down groups of people is NOT that different than saying "all black people are this" or "all women are that". Very non-constructive.

 

Please excuse my caustic tone, but I do not have it in me right now to be diplomatic.

 

Should I have came across that way, I apologize. I only speak for the ones I've dated - in which those few I believe had let it go to their head with all the girls pining for them. I doubt every musician is this way - but I'd still feel like I'd be competing with others (that's my personality flaw) and it wouldn't work for me.

 

 

ANYWAY...

 

We are no longer in contact since the fake profile incident. It's been nearly 2 weeks now since the last text. Last I saw him was when I confronted him about the lies. I don't even know how long that has been. 3 weeks? A month?

 

Going back and forth between sadness and extreme anger. Feeling like a loser for the last thing I said being "I miss you and will be thinking about you" instead of "F*CK YOU!" and at other times really missing him, and then at other times wanting to slash his tires (no I don't EVER go through with things like that) or otherwise ruining his life, and other times feeling sorry for him.

 

It is harder to move on when you get deceived or lied to. It's even harder when they refuse to fess up (which is often with liars). I'm glad to hear you haven't had any more contact - it is for the best. Give it some time and those feelings will pass

[underpants]

underpants --

 

Thank you for breaking all that down for me. It helps. Thank you for not blaming me for believing in love and believing in people, even if they are the wrong ones to believe in.

 

I'm glad it helped and I hope you got a chuckle or two in there.

 

Hey, sometimes I miss that naive girl that believed if you loved enough it could magically work even in the most alarmingly unfolding series of shown events.

 

What you can take away from the experience is that you can still hold onto that part of you and know that you did not give up your integrity in your actions throughout knowing him.

 

This relationship may have not been solid but it sounds like there were facets that you enjoyed. Seek some of that out next time and filter out some of the other. It is a process and one less wrong person I do believe shapes us to find the right one. As long as we don't carry that pain around when we look for it. Let the experience make you wiser but not damaged.

 

I don't like to think of love as a math problem....(or maybe that is why I'm not good at it......)

 

For me love is a story or a journey that you take with someone else. He may just be a chapter or someone that fell into a mysterious rabbit hole. Ultimately it is your story and your journey. (hee, hee, maybe he was just a little pile of poop along the way...)

 

I hear you on the catagorizing thing. Some of that are generalizations made from previous experiences. I'm sure I've probably done it and heard it about my own creativity and prior jobs. I think I hit 2 or 3 professions "not to date". Personally, I know several musicians that are family men and faithful ones. Do I know some creative scum...you bet.

 

It sounds like you did your best and that is still something. In time (and it sounds like you are coming around). You will be thankful that you didn't continue to see someone with such a compulsion for dishonesty.

 

It has only been maybe a month. You are still in a tunnel. Sounds like you are getting toward the light of realizing that you are better off. That back and forth feeling (I remember that) it will get less and less and eventually it will pass, as long as you avoid contact. Then you might think "what was I thinking?". Then you will start to notice how attractive other men are.

 

Then you get to do it all over again.

 

Rock on girl.