Meanmistermustard Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Last night my girfriend of six months used my computer to check her e-mail. We were using my laptop so I was right there to see the screen. I noticed that she had an e-mail folder labelled with her ex's name. I think she relaized it was up there because she tried to turn my attention to an e-mail I had written in her e-mail list and then she logged out right away. She broke up with this guy almost two years ago (they were together for 3 years) and I'm concerned because in my last relationship I discovered my ex was hanging out with her ex and I don't feel like dealing with that again (it added lots of pressure to our relationship). I feel like I need to bring this up or talk about it with her but I don't know how. She knows about what I had to deal with in my last relationship and when we started dating I was pretty clear about my feelings towards either of us maintaining contact with an ex. Part of me says to be blunt and just tell her I noticed the folder and what is up with it. Good course to take or no? If she is in current contact with this guy I'm going to have to break it off despite the fact I think she's awesome to be with. I'm not going to go through what I did last year and get my heart thrown in a blender again.
NuTuDating Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Just ask her about it point blank. She needs to explain this to you if you're exclusive and not seeing other people (I would think this is the case after 6 months).
lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 My boyfriend still gets e-mails from his ex. I don't know what they say in them, but they are still friends. I really have no right to question the subject matter b/c I shouldn't have been looking anyway.
NuTuDating Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 My boyfriend still gets e-mails from his ex. I don't know what they say in them, but they are still friends. I really have no right to question the subject matter b/c I shouldn't have been looking anyway. I'd think you have a right to know, if you two are serious.
lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I'd think you have a right to know, if you two are serious. But by me asking is an invasion of his privacy...I would be pissed if he went behind my back and questioned me on something. If it was something serious, he would still be with her...not me.
Timberlane Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Well, simply asking his is not an invasion of privacy. If you are concerned, then ask. If you aren't then don't. My ex was still in contact with her exes and so too was I in touch with some of my exes. Since it was equitable, we didn't get upset about the other still talking to their ex. We realized they they were exes for a reason.
dreamergrl Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Well really if she had something to hide she shouldn't of checked her email, infront of him with him sitting right there. It's not as if he logged in under her and went snooping. It happens. Just talk to her about your concerns - and go from there. You wont know anything more with out talking about it - and if it's going to bother you.. don't let it fester!
Author Meanmistermustard Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Yeah...I think I'll have to talk to her about it. As dreamergrl said, it's not as if I was snooping around I was right there in front of the screen with her. It's more than a little concerning that she tried to divert my attention since she knows how I feel about keeping in contact with exes. Unless there are kids involved, it does nothing but take energy away from the current relationship.
DaisyBelle Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I have a folder with my ex's emails in it (we dated almost three years ago). I understand where you're coming from with regard to it bothering you, considering you went through some drama on this same theme with your ex. However, as someone who has such a folder, I can honestly say that it might not mean anything too significant. I know this is difficult for you to understand since your history has shown otherwise. But in my case, it was a good relationship that happened at an important turning point in my life. I hang onto the emails because it was a good relationship. I have no interest (or chance, even) of ever being with him again. I do not pine away over him, merely I keep the emails the way I might keep old pictures: it's a positive memory and nothing more. As weird as this sounds, having those emails helps me heal. It helps me remember that someone loved me and cared for me. Taking it a step further, having contact with an ex is not necessarily bad news, either. I keep in touch with a few of mine and there is nothing to it other than a friendship. I know, again, that you have bad history with this but please trust me when I tell you it is possible to have a friendly relationship with your ex that is not romantic in nature. What do we talk about? Just general 'how you doing' kind of stuff. Totally generic. I think you can gently ask her why she has the folder. But be careful not to let your past influence you too much. Just because your ex did something hurtful to you doesn't mean your current gf will also. You might be doing a disservice to yourself by having such a hard and fast rule like absolutely no contact with the exes.
Author Meanmistermustard Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 This was a very bad relationship though. She ended up in therapy for depression after she broke up with him. She's been taking two anti-depressants since the break up. Daisy, while I can understand and appreciate your post, I can't see what good can come to her from keeping his old e-mails (or perhaps maintaining current contact)
DaisyBelle Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Ooh. Your last post changes my answer somewhat. I have a few questions for you. I, too, was in therapy after the break up with my ex-of-the-folders. So that part (her having the folder still and going to therapy because of him) doesn't worry me too much because I remember that for a while, hanging onto the folder happened because I was still too attached to him. But after a while though (and some therapy), I hung onto the folder because it was just a happy memory. Basically, the folder's meaning shifted. Now - I still have the damn folder and I ask myself why, so as to give you an answer as to why this is exactly. I dunno. I just can't bring myself to get rid of it. I don't read it. It just sits there. So the therapy thing and the folder retention aren't necessarily bad news (because in looking at my own life, I see it wasn't bad news for my BF after him). If my BF asked me to delete it, I'd really be bothered by that, because it would seem like he was asking me to delete my past. I know a lot of people would disagree with my doing that (fortunately, my BF never asked me too, although he knew about it). As for the antidepressants, it sounds like she started taking them after that past break up but - is she still taking them to combat the feelings from the break up? I ask because I also went on antidepressants to help with my depression. Now, my break up did trigger a more intense depression than usual, but depression is existant in my life with or without that particular break up. Do you know if your girlfriend's depression is still due to him? Or is she someone, like me, who just has depression in her genetics? As for the current contact, I think you can delicately address this with her. But first you'll have to have a talk with yourself and commit to not getting angry with her so as not to push her farther away. I'd recommend framing it in "I" statements as opposed to "you" statements: "I feel uncomfortable that you're talking to this guy because I recognize how much pain he caused you" as opposed to "you need to stop talking to him because it bothers me." See how she responds. It could be that she's still attached. Bad. Or it could be this is her way of releasing and letting go. Good. <--- that's the way it worked for me. Bizarre, I know.
Author Meanmistermustard Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Daisy, Hey thanks for the excellent message! Much appreciated and you've really been a big help to me with your last message. She actually went to the doctor last week to find out about getting off of the anti-depressants for good. She's down to 1.5 pills a day and soon she will be down to 1 pill a day and then to none at all. She's told me herself she doesn't feel like she needs them anymore. I just called her a little while ago. It was close to 11PM and she told me she was waiting up because she always wants to talk to me before she goes to bed and it would feel strange if we didn't talk. From there I lost interest in really talking about the e-mail folder. We had our nightly call as we've always done for the entire time we've dated. We've never gone a night in 6 months without checking in when one of us isn't staying at the other's house. I guess that says a lot about what we have together. From here, I guess I'll take your advice. Good suggestion on using the "I" statements. I'm not sure I'll even have the talk with her since after doing some thinking, I get the sense she's pretty invested in our relationship.
DaisyBelle Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I'm glad to help. I also went through the same thing with the antidepressants: I eventually went off them as they weren't necessary any more. The break up pain faded and life with my new BF was good. That's good to hear that you're thinking about the big picture of things in your relationship instead of focusing on the folder. It sounds like you both are commited to each other and care very much about each other. This might sound strange, but my experience was that my BF actually helped me move on from my folder ex-guy. BF was supportive and kind and didn't hassle me about it. He understood that I had to work through it in my own time. He understood the residual hurt from that break up, but also understood that he (BF) was first and foremost in my mind. It really made me love him more that he understood I had some leftover pain hanging around. In sum, I think you'll get farther with her being supportive than by being upset about it (if you do eventually talk about it, that is). Not being a doormat or anything like that, just by being understanding. I wish you both the best!
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