nicki Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 (edited) I'm not involved in an OW situation, just curious. My boyfriend's ex is marrying the man she had a 3 year affair with while married to my boyfriend. During the course of conversation, I said I had read once that the success rate for marrying someone you had an affair with is quite low, statistically much lower than for second marriages as a whole. Any info on this? (By the way, he doesn't care that she is remarrying. The marriage and affair was many years ago, and he was the one to leave the marriage after finding out about the ongoing affair. He's was happy and relieved to be done with it all. We just got to talking and wondering if it will be successful for them.) He has a 9 year old son who will be living with the ex and new hubby. The mom has always told the son that his father was "jealous" of the guy she had an affair with and that's why the marriage ended. The son has never been told the truth of the situation due to his young age. My boyfriend never wanted to disparage the character of his ex-wife, so he hasn't set the record straight. So, how has it worked out for any of you who have married the person you had an affair with? Or have any of you heard about what happens if you marry the one you had an affair with? Thanks, no judgment here. Just curiousity. Edited April 1, 2008 by nicki oops, typo
BettyBoop Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 My parents lived happily ever after...until he cheated on mom (ex-OW) with a new OW. It's the second time second marriage. But mind you it took +25 years until he cheated on my mother.
Author nicki Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 (edited) Sorry to hear that. How's your mom doing? Wonder if she always feared it could happen to her, too, because he cheated on his other wife with her and would always be a cheater at heart? Or maybe it didn't make any difference at all that she started out as the OW and things would have unraveled anyway. My dad cheated on my mom, who didn't start out as the OW. They subsequently divorced. He ended up marrying the woman he had an affair with. SHE cheated on him 10 years later and left him for the man she had an affair with....wow, what a soap opera. My dad once told me that many times people will cheat to pull themselves out of a bad relationship when they can't do it on their own. It's like they cause the earthquake to happen, and then are "powerless" over the consequences....I think he has a point. Edited April 1, 2008 by nicki
Curmudgeon Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 From what I've heard and read, statistically, most marriages between cheaters last two years or less and the failure rate is at or over 75% overall. It strikes me as entertaining that when two people, both of whom have been practicing or participating in the other's infidelity get together, it's often continued infidelity on one or boths' parts that dooms the relationship. What did they expect? Why should they be surprised?
child_of_isis Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I know of an OW/mm marriage that almost made it to the 5 year mark. He cheated consistantly with his Ex W. She (OW) finally cheated and fell in love with someone & the M ended.
Author nicki Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks! That's exactly the kind of stuff I was wondering about. It's got me thinking about the whole issue of fidelity. So just thinking out loud here. In my mind, I think if someone was married, met someone else and cheated, then they would know their marriage was over and either (1) immediately end their marriage that same day, or (2) Tell their spouse that same day what happened, beg for forgiveness and re-commit to their marriage, taking all the necessary action to do that. What good can come from an affair? Why do people start them and then stay in them? It just seems apparent to me that an ongoing affair can't ever really go anywhere good. A wife or husband may never be left. If they are, then a serial cheater will continue to cheat because that's his escape valve. A one-time cheater won't allow himself to be in an on-going affair because of the guilt after the one time. He will either leave or come clean and recommit to marriage. I've seen that happen, and I think that can have a better ending. My boyfriend's ex-wife told him she would have continued the affair for many more years, or as long as she could have gotten away with it. That really confused me. Again, what good could have come of that? Everyone involved unhappy, and she isn't with the man she claims to love. For me, I would have just gotten out of the marriage if it was that bad I needed to go outside of it for power.....Or if the marriage was over and I met someone else, I would have quickly left the marriage to be free to be with the new person. Probably a simplistic view, I know. There are many circumstances where a couple might agree to an open marriage, but at least then, both parties know what they are getting into. There is no deception. Why limp along in half a marriage where the other spouse is being manipulated into being in the marriage because they don't know the whole truth. That said, I see the same pain on this forum that I do on all the other LS forums. Whatever their situation, people are alike in their need to love and be loved, and all the joy and pain that comes with relationships. Thanks for your replies.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Funny how some posters wait until they get the answers they wanted to hear in the first place and then leave... After the MM is Divorced, she's not the Other Woman any more... But guess there's some people that just won't let the past be the past...Too bad, the present is what really matters...It's what makes the future happen...
Gwyneth Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 My dad cheated on my mom and married the OW--she then cheated on dad with dad's best friend. She also cheated on her first husband with my dad... My grandma's friend's first husband cheated on her and is still married to his OW 20+ years now. I don't know of any infidelity. But grandma's friend cheated on her second husband with her married boss. Her marriage ended--but she remarried the second husband a second time a few years ago. So far, so good My step-dad cheated on his ex-wife, and as far as I know, never on my mom (married around 15 years now). His wife also cheated on him--I guess they had some kind understanding because they were both cheating on each other openly. Well, stranger things happen
Curmudgeon Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 "According to the Chinese Gender Chart, I'm having a boy " According to the gene pool he'll probably cheat on his wife too. It's true! Dysfunction does run in families.
Never_Again Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 "According to the Chinese Gender Chart, I'm having a boy " According to the gene pool he'll probably cheat on his wife too. It's true! Dysfunction does run in families. That was rude, completely off-base, and totally uncalled for. Stick to the topic.
bentnotbroken Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 "According to the Chinese Gender Chart, I'm having a boy " According to the gene pool he'll probably cheat on his wife too. It's true! Dysfunction does run in families. I don't know if that is true or not. Mr. Messy's mom and granddad as well as several other members of his family have cheated. I don't know if is nature or nurture. Curious???
Curmudgeon Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 That was rude, completely off-base, and totally uncalled for. Stick to the topic. The OP was asking about probabilities. Chilrdren learn what they live which is why dysfunctional relationships do become generational and some have a prediliction or predisposition for certain behaviors. That has an impact on the probabilities as well. You may not have liked it for whatever reason but I stand by it.
PoshPrincess Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 What is it they say? "When a man marries his mistress there's a vacancy that needs filling". Not saying I necessarily agree with this but just thought I'd throw it out there!
PoshPrincess Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 What is it they say? "When a man marries his mistress there's a vacancy that needs filling". Not saying I necessarily agree with this but just thought I'd throw it out there! PS My ex-FIL married his mistress and they've been married now for over 15 years and are very happy.
OWoman Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 My father and his xOW have been happily married for more than 20 years now. Neither has ever looked at anyone else. Many colleagues since married to their xOPs have cracked even longer. There are probably some that didn't make it, but one tends only to get introduced to the SO / spouse once they've been around a while, as opposed to the OPs who often are part of the work environment anyway.
BettyBoop Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Sorry to hear that. How's your mom doing? Wonder if she always feared it could happen to her, too, because he cheated on his other wife with her and would always be a cheater at heart? Yes she always did worry, but she never thought he'd do the same to her. She's doing alright nowadays, but she despises my dad. Which I find kind of silly because what happened to her is exactly what happened to his first W when mom was the OW. What goes around really did come around.
jaweast Posted April 8, 2008 Posted April 8, 2008 I never understood why an OW/OM get mad when their MM/MW cheats on them. If the person violated their vows before and you knew about it, why get mad. It's like they don't expect Karma.
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