PinkRibbon Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Well on the 6th it will be 6 months since I was made to move out. I have been on a severl dates, hung out with my friends, spent more time with my daughter and am doing pretty well. I am eating better and I have stopped crying everyday. I am doing things that I enjoy doing and having some fun in the process. But I still miss him everyday. I want to email him and just tell him that I still love him. When does it start to feel better? I have put on this false face to everyone. Smiling, laughing, going out and it is not what I want. I would much rather have him back than do any of that. Not fair that I can't tell my husband that I love him and miss him. I have to be the strong one when I didn't ask, wish or beg for this. Why can't I see that he doesn't love me? Why can't I accept it? When will I start to feel normal? Why can't I stop hurting when it hurts to get up everyday? Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a chicken and would just do something about all this. It sucks.
sumdude Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 There's no direct answer... just keep doing what you're doing. Fake it till you make it.. al those pieces of advice you've been getting. For me? Tomorrow would have been the wedding anniversary. It's been a year and 2 months since she left me and a year since she actually ended it. Six months ago I felt completely different so give yourself some time. I can't say I'm totally 'over it' yet but I know that what I miss isn't really her... just who she was to me for some time in my life. That person and that life are gone. Now I'm faced with the question "So what do I do with the rest of MY life?" I can also see much more clearly the multiple ways over time she disrespected me, others and all the things i did for her and us. I can also see the things I could have done better... but in the balance? I wore myself out trying to please someone... who just couldn't be pleased. The rule of thumb is that it really takes about 2 years to get through it. The first year you spend with all the emotional turmoil which calms down. Then you go through the more mental and personal aspects of living with yourself, rebuilding etc. Some people get through it all faster, some never get throught it... That's where you have control over your own actions and life.
Curmudgeon Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Why can't I see that he doesn't love me? Why can't I accept it? When will I start to feel normal? Why can't I stop hurting when it hurts to get up everyday? Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a chicken and would just do something about all this. It sucks. Like many of us you hang onto the belief that the person you loved should love you still. That was one of the most difficult hurdles for me to get over -- accepting the reality that someone I'd been married to for 25 years and had children with actually didn't love me anymore. How I got over it, and the process took the better part of two years, was to concentrate on me -- recognizing, admitting to, accepting, confronting, dealing with and laying to rest those things that were wrong with me and which contributed to the end of the marriage. Interestingly enough, by the time I was finished I realized that it was an ill-fated relationship after all and while i had my faults I wasn't the only one. In the end, the last person I wanted to be with was the ex and I achieved the blessed state of indifference. I can't imagine anything worse than loving and being with someone who doesn't love you in return. You deserve much better. You'll have it too. All in good time. You're not a chicken. You're a feeling human being. Let the grief and healing processes continue and in the end you be better than fine.
smileysmile Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Why can't I see that he doesn't love me? Why can't I accept it? When will I start to feel normal? Why can't I stop hurting when it hurts to get up everyday? Except he is a she in my case. It has just gone 7 mths since she left our marital home. And it will be 6 mths in my new house for me on the 5th April. I still have my crying moments. I was watching a 1956 cowboy film on tv inbetween painting eating my lunch and something in the film set me off. I started crying to God, why me, why can't I be normal. Why am I here? Where did this go wrong? Geezus! Talk about losing the plot lol I have done a great job so far in 6 mths to my house. Decorating every room to a showroom standard. Placing my own mark on it. It is this month last year she told me that enough was enough. New carpets were fitted on May the 4th. And our last meal in a restaurant nearby with our then 6 mth old daughter. That was the last time as a family we did something like that. The house was then valued etc. She was still struggling with the last 'hurdle' before actually going ahead with it. I am such a dumbasse I should have REALLY tried to win her back which she did mention somewhere that I didn't do. So here I am. And she loathes me How long does it last? Maybe only when somebody else comes into your life to take there place. If that can at all happen.
Confused9 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 hang in there PR. I too struggle with these questions. But, we need to trust those that have been here before like sumdude and crumd...we WILL get over it. No matter what the truth of the matter is...it happened and there is no taking it back. For whatever reasons it wasn't meant to be. Now is the time for us to work on ourselves. As hard as that may be...try. Everytime I think about it which is 85 % of the time I try and stop myself. He sure as h*ll isn't thinking of me 85% of the time. He is thinking about his new soon to be wife and their baby that's on the way. Everyday you try to let go a little more...is a day closer to the end of this h*ll. Let's try and let it go...together. We've been going through this together all along...now let's heal together.
Curmudgeon Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 How long does it last? Maybe only when somebody else comes into your life to take there place. If that can at all happen. When it gets to that point it's no longer their place. Either they've let it go or you've let them go. Either way, the place is vacant. This is not to say that people don't rush to relationship as a rebound but there is still an empty place. They're just too eager to fill it and usually choose unwisely. It was over two years post-separation and divorce before I asked my wife out. When i fell in love with her (I may have been already) she was not a replacement for the ex. She was someone who enhanced my life on her own.
whereisthelight Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Like many of us you hang onto the belief that the person you loved should love you still. That was one of the most difficult hurdles for me to get over -- accepting the reality that someone I'd been married to for 25 years and had children with actually didn't love me anymore. How I got over it, and the process took the better part of two years, was to concentrate on me -- recognizing, admitting to, accepting, confronting, dealing with and laying to rest those things that were wrong with me and which contributed to the end of the marriage. Its been a little over 2 years for me and and althought we are still seperated I still think about him everyday. I don't know if he thinks about me and I don't know if he wants this divorce because he has not signed the papers yet. I agree with you that it can be a difficult hurdle to overcome, I could be fooling myself thinking that he still has feelings for me. I wonder if I'll ever get over that hurdle. I constantly find myself telling my friends all the things he does to see if they are seeing the same things I do. The first 6 months was horrible. The next 6 months was spent convincing myself that I was ok and recovering mentally. The last year, well..i still go through ups and downs. I occasionally cry and wish him back. While i wish him back I don't know if who i'm wishing back is who i really want. (does that make sense?). He's put me through so much. Maybe it will get better. Well, of course it will. It can't get any worse.
Author PinkRibbon Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Thanks guys. It just seems like everyday is a struggle. A heartache I would not have wished on anyone. Today is the first time I have cried in a few weeks. Some days I think I don't think I can take one more day of this hurt. Honestly if I have to live the rest of my life carrying this around in my heart I don't think I could make it. Most days I wake up and wonder why me?? What did I do that was so bad?? Maybe it was not what I did but just me. Nothing major just me. I wish we had another chance. I wish we could try again. I know that things will never be the same but it doesn't mean they couldn't be better. I just don't see how a person can switch off like that. One day he is with me and the next it is like he never existed in my life. How could he do this to us? He is supposed to be with me forever.
Curmudgeon Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 How could he do this to us? He is supposed to be with me forever. Those are the same questions I asked after 25 years. How could she break up our family? How could she just leave? How could she go on with her life as if we never existed except, of course, for the child support and spousal support she was receiving from me? The answers to those questions were complex and took years to answer. Some of it was her. Some of it was me. Sometimes the answers were painful. In the end, for me at least, it all turned out for the best.
sumdude Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) While i wish him back I don't know if who i'm wishing back is who i really want. (does that make sense?). Yes... I understand this completely. Today would have been our anniversary... Not feeling nearly as bad as the first one alone last year....but still sad. I miss... something rather than someone? So am I just convincing myself it was all for the best and I'm better without her or is it true? Who knows but i have to keep going and looking forward. Thing is not only am I burying and grieving what was... but what could have been as well. Continuoulsy telling myself that I'm worthy... ups and downs day to day. It's really too bad. I have the number of an attractive and intelligent lady. Truthfully I just don't have the desire to persue it right now.. oh well. Time will tell... Edited April 2, 2008 by sumdude
whereisthelight Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 It's really too bad. I have the number of an attractive and intelligent lady. Truthfully I just don't have the desire to persue it right now.. oh well. Time will tell... That is funny! i'll tell you why... i must be sitting on the same "park bench" as you are. I've had a number of men that I could have an ongoing relationship with or I could throw myself in countless beds. In the end I decided that I don't want to settle. That I rather keep the drama out of my head. I think about all that I'm busy with and think to myself "why do i want to invest time in another realtionship right now". I can do what I want right now. I was in a relationship for 15+ years! Why jump into another one! But! Sometimes, I am lonely. I feel jealous, that my partner with whom has not divorced me yet, has had a relationship with someone else since day 1 of seperation. That's he's doing with her what he used to do with me. I say to myself, "if only I also had a relationship with someone, maybe i get over him quicker." Then there are those other days where I can't get away from happy couples that boast about thier date nights. No wonder they make great comedy scenes in the movies about times like these. Oh well, like you said. Time will tell. I just hope I don't let myself end up like one of the post I read about where they never get over it. Its good to know that I am not the only one that has gone through this. There are dozen of self-help books, dozen of talk shows that want to talk about it, and there are dozens of posts! I'll try to remember all this when I'm having a bad day. Obviously, today is a good day.
milena35 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I am in your situation right at this moment, but I am going on 3 months and its already getting better on me, i do have my bad and good days like you I am sure. What happened in your situation so I can be more helpful?
Author PinkRibbon Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I tried dating a man for a few weeks but he bailed because he ex called him back. What in the heck is going on?? I am waiting for lightning to strike me. Seems to be par for the course. Now I pissed because of that man leaving for his ex without so much an a good bye call. One day he is there and the next he is gone. Life sucks big time. I swear I will get through this one day.
sumdude Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I tried dating a man for a few weeks but he bailed because he ex called him back. What in the heck is going on?? I am waiting for lightning to strike me. Seems to be par for the course. Now I pissed because of that man leaving for his ex without so much an a good bye call. One day he is there and the next he is gone. Life sucks big time. I swear I will get through this one day. It's going to be a little while before you can really get into a relationship. You still need to heal and clear the emotional closets of your ex before there's room for someone new. Plus we're emotionally charged so any new rejections or failed relationships.. on top of the big one just add to the pain right now.
Author PinkRibbon Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 Thanks Sumdude. It is just hurts is all. I am tired of being dumped upon. When does it ever get better? And I have gone from being mad to being sad because it hurt my feelings. I open up to date and he knew about my husband leaving and this guy kept saying "do you trust me" "you have to trust" and then bam he is gone and he won't even return a phone call. I don't know. I think I have "kick me" written somewhere on me.
whereisthelight Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 He came over this weekend to pick up our child and found out I was trying to fix an appliance that broke. He then quickly found a replacement for that appliance for me. I didn't ask him to do that. After that he brought it over to my house. He replaced the appliance; he took the old appliance, he took out my garbage, he cleaned my filter. DEAR LORD! please someone tell me... do your x's do these kinds of things for you???? How I am I supposed to get over him while he is doing all these things to help me?
Trialbyfire Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 It will happen, you will move on from heartache to indifference, as long as you're willing and determined to let go! If you can't do it on your own, get some professional help, as in therapy. There's no shame in getting help, in situations of unfamiliarity or lack of coping tools. It's been almost eleven months since the finalization of the divorce and over a year, since D-day, for his affair. The wonderful part is that I had to count the months, to figure this out. I couldn't remember, right off the top of my head. How's that for indifference?
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