flyingdance Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I started dating a seperated guy on and off about a year ago. Now I realized that I might be his first rebound. It started off really good. Then he broked up with me needed some space/time to figure things out with his marriage/divorce. It happened a couple of times. The last time he came back and told me that he realized that the real reason he wanted the divorce was because he wants freedom. He isn't ready for commitment with anybody. I didn't think too much of what he said and just started seeing him again, because I really like this guy. We are seeing each other a few times a month. I was ok with that because I thought he needs space since his divorce is not finalized yet. Also, we work together with makes it harder for us to see each other. Recently, I started to feel like his interest is not as much as before, but I thought he was just going through the depression. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that he had a former female friend living in a different town (2 hours flight) to visit him over the weekend, and he was weired about it. So I suspect something was going on, and started asking him lots of questions about this woman after he dropped her off at the airport. They met a few years ago through work and then reconnect recently. She is now married with a kid. I had a very strong instinct that something is going on. But he insisted that she is a friend. He said he didn't like the way I asked him questions, which shows that I don't give him freedom. The weekend before he came over and visit me and showed frustration that the secrecy of our relationship is a big problem for us and he doesn't see a solution in the near future. But we didn't discuss further. He still acted very affectionate towards me, so I thought it was fine. I did ask him that if he is dating someone please let me know since I am serious about sex and intimacy. And he said there is no one else right now, but he doesn't want to commit to it. Then he suddenly took a vacation without telling me to the town his female friend lives, where he has a relative. I didn't see him so I called, and he was impatient when talking to me the phone. My instinct told me that he flew down to visit her, but he said he is on his way to meet her for lunch, so I told him to call me when he is free. Then he called me again that night. He still didn't want to admit that he is seeing her at first. Then I asked more questions, since it was too obvious to me. Finally he said very vaguely he is seeing someone but doesn't want to tell me who she is. And he said he had been trying to tell me that he wanted us to end, but I didn't get the message. I am so devastated right now. Why does he pick a married woman with a new born baby who leaves hundreds miles away to date but not me? Would it be possible that he is still on rebound, and a married woman live remotely wouldn't give him same pressure that I give him. Or he is serious with this woman because he is too attracted to her and he doesn't care she is married and live far away? Maybe I do have some communication problem understanding him? When he said he dosen't want to commit, does that mean he wants to date multiple people at the same time? I did tell him if he wants to date someone else he can, but I assume he would end it with me first, and apparently, he has been talking to this woman for a while before flying all the way over to visit her, right? So I was in big shock and I started arguing with him on the phone. I asked him why he used all this excuses about the obstacles in our relationship, while the situation with her is only harder. I just don't get it. I asked him if he is not interested in me any more he can be straight forward with me, there is no need for excuses. He became more and more mad and said that he doesn't feel about me in that way anymore, while only 5 days ago he was at my place all affectionate and stuff. Is he really done with me? What should I do? I really like him and want to give relationship a chance, that's why I was here coping, and hope one day he is done with everything and get out of the fog and ready for a relationship. Any insight? Thanks in advance.
Owl Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 He became more and more mad and said that he doesn't feel about me in that way anymore, while only 5 days ago he was at my place all affectionate and stuff. It sounds to me as though he's already moved on. It also appears that you've already given this relationship a chance...and he's apparently not interested in continuing it with you. If he's callous enough to start dating a married woman...is he REALLY the kind of guy you want to spend your life with? I know its rough, but this doesn't sound like the beginning of a wonderful relationship between the two of you (which is what dating is supposed to be)...if its this rough now, how tough would it be if you were married and dealing with kids and bills and cleaning the house and everything else??? Pull back from him. See if he starts contacting you, once you're no longer 'ready available' for him. If he does, take things slow. If he doesn't...use that to let you move on.
child_of_isis Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 The baby might be his. This may have been going on for some time. This could very well have been the reason that his M fell apart.
Meaplus3 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I started dating a seperated guy on and off about a year ago. Now I realized that I might be his first rebound. It started off really good. Then he broked up with me needed some space/time to figure things out with his marriage/divorce. It happened a couple of times. The last time he came back and told me that he realized that the real reason he wanted the divorce was because he wants freedom. He isn't ready for commitment with anybody. I didn't think too much of what he said and just started seeing him again, because I really like this guy. We are seeing each other a few times a month. I was ok with that because I thought he needs space since his divorce is not finalized yet. Also, we work together with makes it harder for us to see each other. Recently, I started to feel like his interest is not as much as before, but I thought he was just going through the depression. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that he had a former female friend living in a different town (2 hours flight) to visit him over the weekend, and he was weired about it. So I suspect something was going on, and started asking him lots of questions about this woman after he dropped her off at the airport. They met a few years ago through work and then reconnect recently. She is now married with a kid. I had a very strong instinct that something is going on. But he insisted that she is a friend. He said he didn't like the way I asked him questions, which shows that I don't give him freedom. The weekend before he came over and visit me and showed frustration that the secrecy of our relationship is a big problem for us and he doesn't see a solution in the near future. But we didn't discuss further. He still acted very affectionate towards me, so I thought it was fine. I did ask him that if he is dating someone please let me know since I am serious about sex and intimacy. And he said there is no one else right now, but he doesn't want to commit to it. Then he suddenly took a vacation without telling me to the town his female friend lives, where he has a relative. I didn't see him so I called, and he was impatient when talking to me the phone. My instinct told me that he flew down to visit her, but he said he is on his way to meet her for lunch, so I told him to call me when he is free. Then he called me again that night. He still didn't want to admit that he is seeing her at first. Then I asked more questions, since it was too obvious to me. Finally he said very vaguely he is seeing someone but doesn't want to tell me who she is. And he said he had been trying to tell me that he wanted us to end, but I didn't get the message. I am so devastated right now. Why does he pick a married woman with a new born baby who leaves hundreds miles away to date but not me? Would it be possible that he is still on rebound, and a married woman live remotely wouldn't give him same pressure that I give him. Or he is serious with this woman because he is too attracted to her and he doesn't care she is married and live far away? Maybe I do have some communication problem understanding him? When he said he dosen't want to commit, does that mean he wants to date multiple people at the same time? I did tell him if he wants to date someone else he can, but I assume he would end it with me first, and apparently, he has been talking to this woman for a while before flying all the way over to visit her, right? So I was in big shock and I started arguing with him on the phone. I asked him why he used all this excuses about the obstacles in our relationship, while the situation with her is only harder. I just don't get it. I asked him if he is not interested in me any more he can be straight forward with me, there is no need for excuses. He became more and more mad and said that he doesn't feel about me in that way anymore, while only 5 days ago he was at my place all affectionate and stuff. Is he really done with me? What should I do? I really like him and want to give relationship a chance, that's why I was here coping, and hope one day he is done with everything and get out of the fog and ready for a relationship. Any insight? Thanks in advance. You mentioned here that he is leaving the marriage because he wants freedom and is not ready for commitment with anybody. My question for you is what are you looking for with him? AP:)
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I didn't think too much of what he said and just started seeing him again, because I really like this guy. See, this is the problem...He told you he wanted to be free, didn't want anything serious or be committed to anyone. You more or less ignored his honesty and told yourself that you like him and would continue dating him. With expectations and hoping he would discuss things with you. He hasn't and he won't..Hense the trip without telling you. This is his life and he doesn't have to run his choices by anyone - That is what he told you and you didn't listen to him. I understand that you like him, and because of that your heart isn't allowing you to see what's what. His actions have matched his words... He became more and more mad and said that he doesn't feel about me in that way anymore Sadly, then accept this. When someone tells you this, you have no choice but to accept it and move on. Even if it kills you and is painful. This guy wants to do whatever he wants, if he chooses to date a MW with kids, well, as stupid as that is for him to do, it's still his choice. He made no promises or committment to you.
Author flyingdance Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 You mentioned here that he is leaving the marriage because he wants freedom and is not ready for commitment with anybody. My question for you is what are you looking for with him? AP:) I was naive enough that I thought it's just a temporary thing, since he was fresh out of a marriage. He actually said that in an email that he is struggling with his life and asked me to give him some time to get his life back together. That was reasonable for a person at that stage, right? I decided to be patient with him, giving him time and space to sort things out. And when he is truly ready, we will have the freedom to explore...... That was really silly, huh?
Author flyingdance Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 See, this is the problem...He told you he wanted to be free, didn't want anything serious or be committed to anyone. You more or less ignored his honesty and told yourself that you like him and would continue dating him. With expectations and hoping he would discuss things with you. He hasn't and he won't..Hense the trip without telling you. This is his life and he doesn't have to run his choices by anyone - That is what he told you and you didn't listen to him. I understand that you like him, and because of that your heart isn't allowing you to see what's what. His actions have matched his words... Sadly, then accept this. When someone tells you this, you have no choice but to accept it and move on. Even if it kills you and is painful. This guy wants to do whatever he wants, if he chooses to date a MW with kids, well, as stupid as that is for him to do, it's still his choice. He made no promises or committment to you. I am wondering if this is a rebound effect. The last time we clearly broke up, he told me similar stuff like his feelings for me was changed, and then 2 weeks later, he came back and apologized and said he didn't know what he was talking about. Then I took him back, which probably was a mistake. Did he pick this married woman hundred miles away because he doesn't have to commit to her or he like her too much that he is willing to take such a big risk? All these questions are running in circles in my head and driving me nuts?
Author flyingdance Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 You mentioned here that he is leaving the marriage because he wants freedom and is not ready for commitment with anybody. My question for you is what are you looking for with him? AP:) For some reason, I thought we do have potential once he gets his head straight. Now it sounds pretty stupid......
Recommended Posts