9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I am just curious what is the behavior of a mm when he leaves home. He is sad or mad or depressed.....what?
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 It depends really. Some crash emotionally, some simply go on with life without a backward glance. It depends on how emotionally divorced he is. Children are also a factor. There is an article out there about this that might help. I see it referenced a lot in regards to a question like this. See if this is of any help.
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 It depends really. Some crash emotionally, some simply go on with life without a backward glance. It depends on how emotionally divorced he is. Children are also a factor. There is an article out there about this that might help. I see it referenced a lot in regards to a question like this. See if this is of any help. OMG, this was exactly what I needed to read. I was just about to have a emotional moment because this is where we are at. I have been told to just fall back and chill...give him space. I am hurting cause we are not really talking right now. I am going to stay away and work on me. Date and all that stuff. I am so scared
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Probably all three. It has to be a huge adjustment, even if he created the mess, to be out on his own and lose all that he worked hard for. You don't have to go out and date, just don't rely on him for anything. Respect his need to be alone and don't push him. He has alot of sorting out to do and he needs to heal himself before jumping into a relationship with you, or even possibly going on with his life with neither you or his wife.
grogster Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 A MM liberated from the marital shackles can be anything. He may cocoon, date like a rock star or carry on old routines. It depends upon his personality, whether children are in the picture and the nature of the separation. Most MM, immediately post-separation, are fragile--these exiles from the family hearth and home have lost their familiar bearings, their identity and status props.They must rebuild their lives. After a family is nuked, and Dad leaves, everyone must adjust to the new Order: spouse, kids, in-laws and the OW. Often, opting for a clean slate and new beginning, the MM ditches the OW along with like the wife and kids. At bottom, life post-separation is never as good as the MM imagined it would be. Reality is the best revenge.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Hi Grogster...Long time no see, happy to see you back on LS!!!! Good reply too!
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 A MM liberated from the marital shackles can be anything. He may cocoon, date like a rock star or carry on old routines. It depends upon his personality, whether children are in the picture and the nature of the separation. Most MM, immediately post-separation, are fragile--these exiles from the family hearth and home have lost their familiar bearings, their identity and status props.They must rebuild their lives. After a family is nuked, and Dad leaves, everyone must adjust to the new Order: spouse, kids, in-laws and the OW. Often, opting for a clean slate and new beginning, the MM ditches the OW along with like the wife and kids. At bottom, life post-separation is never as good as the MM imagined it would be. Reality is the best revenge. Well he does not have kids with her. I asked him could he be with her and her alone and be happy...he said no. He has been with me almost the entire time he has been married. When I told him I was leaving him this last time, he told me that is when reality of his marriage came out and he left the house. This might sound stupid but I think he does not like hurting me or her so when he hurts one or the other he tries to fix it some kind of way. Thank you guys so much. I am listening and trying to stay strong and not do anything stupid.
grogster Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks, my friend. Always a pleasure to read your smart and measured comments.
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Probably all three. It has to be a huge adjustment, even if he created the mess, to be out on his own and lose all that he worked hard for. You don't have to go out and date, just don't rely on him for anything. Respect his need to be alone and don't push him. He has alot of sorting out to do and he needs to heal himself before jumping into a relationship with you, or even possibly going on with his life with neither you or his wife. Honest to God(no offense Lord)...you always keep it so real. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. I will take that advice. I will respect his need to be alone and not push for anything. ....for a long time.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 This might sound stupid but I think he does not like hurting me or her so when he hurts one or the other he tries to fix it some kind of way. That doesn't sound stupid at all. I'm sure he hated hurting you and his wife...But, it certainly didn't stop him from cheating all throughout his marriage. The thing is, and I hate to say this, but this a possibility...He got so used to having both you and his wife to fill in all his needs, couldn't have one without the other - And now he's alone...He may very well associate you with his wife/marriage and start off with a clean slate, no history, no emotional baggage. I am sorry and I don't want to make you feel worse, but don't rely on him to be there and in your life within the next 6 months. I feel for you and his wife, not him. He made a HUGE mess and now he is living the consquences..
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Honest to God(no offense Lord)...you always keep it so real. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. I will take that advice. I will respect his need to be alone and not push for anything. ....for a long time. You just deserve so much more and I don't think this guy is long term material. He can't commit to one woman and he is a liar, a cheater and puts himself first. You're welcome and I am glad to help you. Just sucks that you're hurting! Yeah, don't be doing something stupid...Anytime you feel like you're going to, post here and vent away..
grogster Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 As for you 9lives, your MM is undergoing some emotional turbulence.He wants to enjoy the legitimacy that marriage brings to his life and the outlaw sizzle of the Affair. Now that this comfortable arrangement is ripped asunder, anything can happen. Your MM now lacks the marital anchor, and he probably feels that his life can capsize at any moment. Welcome to the rough waters ahead.
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 That doesn't sound stupid at all. I'm sure he hated hurting you and his wife...But, it certainly didn't stop him from cheating all throughout his marriage. The thing is, and I hate to say this, but this a possibility...He got so used to having both you and his wife to fill in all his needs, couldn't have one without the other - And now he's alone...He may very well associate you with his wife/marriage and start off with a clean slate, no history, no emotional baggage. I am sorry and I don't want to make you feel worse, but don't rely on him to be there and in your life within the next 6 months. I feel for you and his wife, not him. He made a HUGE mess and now he is living the consquences.. Thank you. I will not rely on him for the next 6 months.. That is good because after a week or so I want results and I will do something stupid. I am going to stick this out like you said. I think he needs to see alot of things about his marriage, himself, and me being gone on his own. I want to be on my own for a while too. I agree.
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 You just deserve so much more and I don't think this guy is long term material. He can't commit to one woman and he is a liar, a cheater and puts himself first. You're welcome and I am glad to help you. Just sucks that you're hurting! Yeah, don't be doing something stupid...Anytime you feel like you're going to, post here and vent away.. What is so bad is that I still believe in the love we shared. I believe we can be happy together and have a good relationship based on what we shared at once. I was so easy and loving when it was good. Some of the things that happen was my fault becuase I should have known when to pull back and not be so needing of his love and used my power better. I feel responsible cause I feel like he really cared alot for me and I did some stupid things that made me look weak
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 So you got him by threats.. Nice.. You going to use the same tactic when he starts cheating on you? Life is too short to waste on someone who has devoted themselves to someone else. The chances of a relationship lasting under these types of situations are very small. Find someone who can give you his all, physicall, emotionally and mentally. Unless you like living the drama, and eventually like playing detective on what he's doing.. I dont know what the hell you talking about. No threats dude. He has problems for sure .
marlena Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Grogster, Hey! Where have you been? You have been soooooooooooo missed but you know that of course, don't you? Can't tell you how happy I am to see you back on board! Healthy and happy, I hope. Marlena
NoIDidn't Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Uh-uh. The dreaded "give me space" has appeared, hmmm? Regardless of how long the two of you were together, he still afforded his M with some level of esteem - hence his emotional withdrawal now. He married her for a reason and he is now feeling like a failure in some way. You are right to withdraw yourself. But don't think that your timeline is shared with him. He won't come to his senses in 6 months. May be sooner, may be later. But when it happens, it doesn't mean that he will realize that he can't live without you. It may be the opposite. Especially if you decide to date. Or, maybe he left something at the marital home and she's already changed the locks and he's trying to figure out how to get it back with the least amount of resistance.
marlena Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 However he acts, it won't be nice. He will be disoriented,confused and emotionally all over the place. More than likely, he will be tortured by guilt especially if there are children involved. It will not be pleasant. He may even turn against you and at some level consider you to be responsible for the mess he is in. If his wife, children or other members of the family hound him for the destruction he has wrought on his family, he may feel so guilty that he will consider going back to the life that he once took for granted and now misses. If there are property issues, things get even very complicated. I am not saying it is always like this. Perhaps some men just close the door and let out a loud sigh of relief. However, I think those are few in number. Most men when they start an affair want both - the security of their marriage and the outside thrill. Once they leave home, they have neither. They are just beginning to discover that "starting over" is not that easy. Many feel that they have made a ghastly mistake and would do anything to go back to their old lives. And many eventually do, that is, if the wife will allow them back. Divorce is easier and more "real" when a third party is not involved. If I were you, I would brace myself for a rough ride up ahead and the very REAL possibility that he will return to the homestead. How has he been acting so far?
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Divorce is easier and more "real" when a third party is not involved. If I were you, I would brace myself for a rough ride up ahead and the very REAL possibility that he will return to the homestead. How has he been acting so far? He has been like you were saying ....emotionally up and down. He has joined church. He is doing alot of thinking. He is wants to talk to her. He blames me a little bit. He wants to be friends. He trying to figure out what he really wants. He told me he does not feel the same way. Im just staying on LS to keep from making things worst. I feel like he has left me but a part of me feels like he is just trying to figure things out period. I just dont believe he is all into her.
grogster Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 "He blames me a little bit." More likely than not he will blame you for his marital break-up.But for the Affair, and your ultimatum, he would not be in this mess. Affairs are best enjoyed when married.
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 "He blames me a little bit." More likely than not he will blame you for his marital break-up.But for the Affair, and your ultimatum, he would not be in this mess. Affairs are best enjoyed when married. You so funny:). He blames me cause I called the house one day. I dont feel guilty because he told me he was leaving and there was no love there. She wanted him to call me in front of her and he would not do it. I think he told her he dont talk to me anymore and she found out he was lying. He just getting caught in his s/hit.
grogster Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks for the kind words, Marlena. I simply needed a break, and a new brand. I'm just fine, and I hope you are, too. I periodically reinvent myself, here. As for you 9lives, please take it slow. Your MM is probably shaken to his core, and would be hypersensitive to any relationship pressure. We're creatures of habit, and even a bad marriage provides security and legitimacy. Your MM now must learn new habits. That will be challenging for both of you. Good luck.
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks for the kind words, Marlena. I simply needed a break, and a new brand. I'm just fine, and I hope you are, too. I periodically reinvent myself, here. As for you 9lives, please take it slow. Your MM is probably shaken to his core, and would be hypersensitive to any relationship pressure. We're creatures of habit, and even a bad marriage provides security and legitimacy. Your MM now must learn new habits. That will be challenging for both of you. Good luck. grogster, no wonder all the woman here love you. Your smooth... Yes he is hypersenstive right now. Little stuff is too much. I'm listening.
marlena Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I periodically reinvent myself, here. However many personnas you assume, your brilliant self always shines through. 9lives, You forced the issue by calling his wife. Bad move, my dear. He probably harbours quite a bit of resentment towards you -whether he shows it or not. The person who should have spoken to her is he and not you. I am not judging you. I can very well understand how angry you must have felt at being "played" or so you thought. You wanted a solution. However, these things very often boomerang and the result is the complete opposite of what was hoped to be achieved. It is plain to see by his reactions that he did not want or was not ready to end his marriage even if he was having an affair with you. This is something you need to respect, even if it is rather too late now, and step back. Any pressure on your side will only cause more damage and things may take an even uglier turn. My advice to you is to keep a very low profile and let him make all the moves, whatever they may be, without any coercion on your part. After all, it is his life.
Author 9Lives Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 However many personnas you assume, your brilliant self always shines through. 9lives, You forced the issue by calling his wife. Bad move, my dear. He probably harbours quite a bit of resentment towards you -whether he shows it or not. The person who should have spoken to her is he and not you. I am not judging you. I can very well understand how angry you must have felt at being "played" or so you thought. You wanted a solution. However, these things very often boomerang and the result is the complete opposite of what was hoped to be achieved. It is plain to see by his reactions that he did not want or was not ready to end his marriage even if he was having an affair with you. This is something you need to respect, even if it is rather too late now, and step back. Any pressure on your side will only cause more damage and things may take an even uglier turn. My advice to you is to keep a very low profile and let him make all the moves, whatever they may be, without any coercion on your part. After all, it is his life. yeah, he did not like the call thing. I did not call her ...I called him. He still thinks about that day. I just dont feel bad about it. He gets to play with my life and hers and I dont have pitty for that day. I dont think it was a good move but I dont feel bad.
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