bigjerk24 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Well, as the story goes, (all too common) my wife of 5 years left me and took our 4 year old daughter with her about 2 weeks ago. She says she needs time to think as she is not happy. I have been very lacking and a big jerk when it has come to her emotional needs over the past couple years. I didn't notice it until it was too late and now she's gone. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I know this now, but I love her so much that it is killing me to know that I may not get the chance to make it up to her. She has been having an emotional affair with another man who is married for the past couple months and when I confronted her about it she of course denied it and so did he. But she has since owned up to it and swears that it is over. I am not even mad about the EA because I know that it was me that pushed her there in the first place, I know that she has put a lot of thought into this separation and her mind seems to be made up on us. She says NO to MC and looks and talks to me with a very cold shoulder as if I was some stranger to her now. I am still gonna go to counselling on my own and definitely work some of my problems out if it kills me but I still don't think she will want to give me another chance. I don't think I could go on knowing that I have hurt her so deeply and will never get a chance at making it up to her.....I love her more than I could ever describe(I know...too little too late) and I miss my family so much. Isn't it horrible that it always takes something like this to open your eyes? I have no interest in trying to "convince" her to come back with false promises, I want her to just be happy finally and even if she doesn't feel that she can be happy with me, I will have to accept that. I just wish that she would give me a second chance but she seems so dead set in her head that I don't think she will. What should I do to be able to genuinely fix this? What do U think I can do to earn a second chance? How should I act around her because all I can do is seem to beg and try to plead with her......but nothing. Me 25 W 26 M 5Y T 7Y Thanks for any advice U can give me Mike
Curmudgeon Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Hi Mike, The begging and pleading is the exact opposite of what you want to do. Treat her like you would a scared cat. that might be the hardest thing to do, it will help the situation. Also, Google "walk-away wife" and follow the links. Chasing, begging, crying, no matter how honest and heart-felt they are, just make matters worse. In fact, I think they hold you back as well. Best of luck. I, too, was in this situation many years ago and handled it badly. Thankfully, it ultimately turned out for the best but it was painful getting there. The good news is that I survived. So will you!
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks for your responses. This is the hardest thing that I have ever been through. I understand what you mean by basically giving her space and time to miss me but that seems impossible because I feel that might just help her get over me even easier and push her back to the OM. I am so confused and feel very bad for hurting her. I am going to try out your suggestions as best I can and see what happens because I guess at this point I have got nothing to lose, right? Thanks again for your advice, and I am so thankfull for finding this site. Mike
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 I honestly do not think she has ended it with the OM, but she told me she is not talking to him anymore. But after her original lying and hiding it for 4 months of 1 hour calls everyday and about 40 text messages a day between them I really don't think I can beleive her as much as I want to. I think she is just hiding it better. What can I do? She will just get mad if I keep accusing her of it.
marlena Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 No, do not beg or plead. This is absolutely the worst thing you can do. It's human nature to want what we don't have so making her think she is losing you might well make her stop and reconsider. Let things cool off - try to get a grip on your emotions and show her that you are strong and independent. Let her know that you want to work towards salvaging the marriage but also make sure she knows that if she doesn't want to make the effort, that's fine, too. The message that you should be giving to her is that with or without her, you will be fine.
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 The message that you should be giving to her is that with or without her, you will be fine. That is going to be extremely difficult because it sure as heck doesn't feel like that.
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 So after work today W phones, asks if I can pick up our D from daycare as she was stuck in traffic, says she will pick her up from our house(since she is only staying at her sisters place 2 blocks away) Of course I say sure as I am very excited to see my D after the horrible day that I had. I am almost home and my W phones to ask if I would like to go out for dinner with them and maybe hit the mall afterwards, I say(trying not to sound too happy) sure. So D and I pick W up and get something to eat all the while just talking civil and joking around about our days and nothing else too important. No R talk at all(which was nice) So we didn't end up going shopping anyway and just drove around listening to music and chatting. Although it felt very awkward it was very nice. I can tell that she is just so stressed out and confused and doesn't know exactly what she wants, I tried to play it very casual and natural and it seemed like she was too. I then dropped them off and D started to cry as she didn't want me to go. I also noticed that she wasn't wearing her wedding ring(ouch!) I just wish that she would come home! Was this a good thing or not?
Curmudgeon Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I just wish that she would come home! Was this a good thing or not? If you truly want her back and she's still with the OM it's not a good thing at all. If irt was me and my wife had been with an OM I wouldn't want her back at all, but that's a very personal choice. What's not a good thing is if you get your hopes up and nothing comes of it but more heartache.
stampdaddy Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 keep your back to her for now.... It won't kill you to do this.. put your "Knight in shining armor" costume away for now and turn your back.. Walk a few steps away (be there for your D of course).. you can do this, and it it WILL help (you at least)
TheRain Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 She has been having an emotional affair with another man who is married for the past couple months and when I confronted her about it she of course denied it and so did he. But she has since owned up to it and swears that it is over. Very doubtful that it was only a EA. I think they went all the way. But after her original lying and hiding it for 4 months of 1 hour calls everyday and about 40 text messages a day between them I really don't think I can beleive her as much as I want to. Mike It's very doubtful as well that she has ended the affair. It's almost no way, especially when she moved out of the house already. Did you exposed to OM's wife? That's probably your BEST bet to end the affair. She will initially get mad, but, do you rather her be mad at you temporarily or do you want her to continue the affair? When you expose, don't give your W any warning in advanced, just do it. Affair survives on secrecy, but once it comes out, it will eventually die.
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Curmudgeon, I 100% see where you are coming from as my day went on today I shifted back and forth from extremely angry and wanting to throw all of her stuff onto the street - to realizing that I was probably overeacting and wanting to believe her - and then back again probably 1000 times. My mind is starting to imagine things like there is some big conspiracy which I think doesn't help me. Then tonight happens and it was kind of nice. AAAAAAAAAgggggghhh, I don't know what to do.
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Did you exposed to OM's wife?. I wish I could but all that I have is a cell phone number, no name, no address, I have no idea where he works or anything, neither will tell me.
TheRain Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I wish I could but all that I have is a cell phone number, no name, no address, I have no idea where he works or anything, neither will tell me. Ever hear of the terms "private investigator?" Does it cost you money? Yes. Will the cost be too much to end the affair and save your marriage? You decide. Like I said before, affairs survives on secrecty, so, you need to expose it to EVERYONE whom your W respects, this include her parents, pastor, etc. How did you find out that he is married?
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 When I talked to him on the phone he said that he was married.(probably not even true I guess)
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 He told me when I called the number - probably not even true I guess. I am such an idiot.
TheRain Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 He told me when I called the number - probably not even true I guess. I am such an idiot. The reason I asked you how you found out is to want you to know the possibility that the answer that was given to you was not true. Glad you figured that one out by yourself. So, now, how about the exposing?
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 You know, I just can't get over the fact that you think you know someone and love them so much and they say that they supposedly love you so much but then instead of taking a shot at fixing the marriage together they can do something like this behind your back and then try to justify it to relieve their own guilt by putting the blame all on the other spouse. I have read all about some of the other people on this forum who have been through this almost identical situation and am astonished....I could never hurt someone like this and think that it takes a very cruel and horrible person to be able to do this to someone...someone whom they once loved so dearly that they married, had a child with, planned a life with. I have heard all the same things as I have read and am amazed at how all the excuses are the same....I love you but I'm not IN love with you has to be my favorite. I just feel so sorry for all the children of these people including my D who when old enough will want to know the truth about why mommy and daddy aren't together. And I am not saying that someone should stay unhappily in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children at all....but you made a commitment to someone at least give that person a chance at trying to resolve any problems that may arise and if all else fails...then depart ways but don't do it by starting an affair outside the marriage to make yourself feel better and gaining the support from that fling of a relationshp to end your marriage all the while leaving your spouse feeling like it's their fault the marriage is over...they didn't push that person into the arms of another man. I know the feeling of the betrayed spouse and it is a pain like no other. If only that f***** wayward spouse had put the time and energy of the affair into their marriage it could have been saved...that is a f***** chickens way out! Sorry but I had to vent...thanks for listening and all of your help and support, Mike
Author bigjerk24 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Have you set up counseling yet? I go next week. I am trying to stay strong and cool as best I can.
THEBIGARC Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I am 2 1/2 months into it what you are going through. The W has reconnected with an ex bf and she has abandoned our marriage and family. It makes no sense to me how a person can just run away into the arms of another person that is just telling them all the things they want to hear. This will be my 2nd divorce. Both of my wives left me. It really gets you to thinking, maybe marriage is not for me. I have a 4 y/o son. He is what I always wanted, so not all bad has come from this. Good luck to you! Time is the healer of all!
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