Galexia Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Ugghhh, the ache in my heart right now. I just ended contact with this man because right now it is just too painful. His wife left him, and I'm with someone but we are having problems. After 5 years of no contact, he sought me out for validation and to apologize for the mess that was never cleaned up. I find myself utterly distracted and excited about his re appearance into my life. I miss him, and would love to be with him, but know it is not the right time. We need to grow right now. He needs to deal with his divorce, and I need to figure out what i'm doing with my boyfriend. I do truly believe that ther is a chance for us one day, but I'm wise to know that now is not that time. But I'm hurting so badly. I'm not even sure I have what it takes to stay strong. Was this the best thing for me to do? Will he come and chase me when he's ready? I just want him to come and swoop my off my feet....tell me he wants to find love with me. This is what I am hopeful for.
Author Galexia Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 He was an ex boyfriend of mine that i was (and am still) very much in love with and serious about. He wasn't ready.
0hpenelope Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 "Hope springs eternal," yes? But it can also breed expectations. I hope you'll be careful of those and guard yourself. Many posters have said here - and in different ways, too - that the best revenge is a life well-lived without him (and for the guys, "her"). So... keep your mind occupied. Hobbies? Activities? Exercise? Taking a class for the heck of it? Learning how to cook food you've never cooked before? Just stuff to keep you occupied. I agree with LadyJane in one of her posts where she allows herself 30 minutes to vent her sadness to deal with the emotions of the separation. If she didn't have that sense of control, then she would've always been wallowing. Life's just too short for that. When he's ready, he'll know how to find you. But you could also be well on your way without him, too, even though present circumstances indicate otherwise. We just never know what life throws our way. Good luck, ok? Take care of yourself.
carhill Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 OP, I empathize and think you are indeed wise. This is what I would (and will, speaking in your ex's voice) say: "After I get divorced, I will contact you. You know my feelings for you. At that point, you'll have a decision to make. I will accept that decision. I love you and wish you well." I don't know what your ex said to you, but how would you receive this?
Author Galexia Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 OP, I empathize and think you are indeed wise. This is what I would (and will, speaking in your ex's voice) say: "After I get divorced, I will contact you. You know my feelings for you. At that point, you'll have a decision to make. I will accept that decision. I love you and wish you well." I don't know what your ex said to you, but how would you receive this? Thank you. The thing is, i dont know how he truly feels about me. He contacts me after 5 years only because his wife left him. I have no idea if he REALLY cares about me, or was just using me for validation, or maybe both. He had mentioned that he wondered and wonders what could be with us, and that he did love me when we were together (although he never told me he loved me when we were together). I'm just afraid he'll never come chasing me because he knows I'm in a relationship. He's going to haunt me over the next few months. I'm afraid that although i ended contact i still will not be able to get passed the fact that he is free and available again, and that my greatest hope would be for him to come and get me....like in a fairy tale or something. He'll be divorced soon enough. He's not the kind of guy to wallow. When he makes mistakes, he goes "oops, i made a mistake. Now i have to fix it" and does just that. No pain. Few tears...just a man moving on. Its crazy. And how can i be in my current relationship when my heart and thoughts are with this ex? Am i F#%ked?
carhill Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I'll share a little... After a few years of emotional vacuum (my wife detaching emotionally, despite my efforts to engage her), I contacted an old female friend (whom I knew many years before her) out of desperation, as most of my 'friends' had distanced themselves as I cared for my mentally ill mother. We hadn't had contact for 14 years. We had not had a romantic relationship but nonetheless a very deep emotional attachment. She turned out to have become divorced during that time and was having issues with her BF. Our friendship continues. Though physically platonic, there are emotional issues for me (I can't speak for her). Would I be more easily be able to resolve my marital issues without her in the picture? IMO, likely not, because that emotional attachment has always been there, for most of my life. My solution was, taking the time to get to know the real her today as a friend, letting go of some of my past fantasies, and seeing things as they really are. This has helped me move that attachment to a place where I can let it go and move forward, either married or single. It's a process, which counseling and the great folks here on LS have been instrumental in assisting with. Does your ex have any feelings for you or is he just seeking validation? I don't know. Do you want your current R to work out? I don't know. Was your relationship with your ex healthy? I don't know. Questions to ask yourself....
Author Galexia Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks Carhill, Once again, you make me see somewhat clearly. My relationship with my ex was very very passionate. We were somewhat addicted to each other, so I'm not sure if it was healthy or not. We definitley got a long great, had wonderful sex, laughed a lot, and seemed to genuinly appreciate each other. I think he brought out the best in me, and has helped me stay on track in my life. I know he cares about me...but I don't know to what extent. As far as my current relationship....I like it, but its not entirely meeting my needs and he is aware of that. We have talked frequently about our future and we both just dont know where it is going. Its like, as long as we are both enjoying ourselves and are happy, we stay together. If ex was to come into my life and say to me...."I really really want to try again with you because i think we have something special" I'd go for it. But he'd have to really mean it. So now, i know, is not the time. I have been thinking if maybe i am romanticizing about my relationship with the ex....am I giving it more credit than it deserves? i think you are accurate in trying to find a healthy friendship without the idea of it being more than that. We need to get to know each other as friends once again...but I cannot be his friend because my feelings are so so strong for him and I just want more. I see myself getting off the phone wiht him and I am drained. I have to hide things from him. I just want to tell him "I WANT YOU BACK. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN" but I know he is not ready to hear that, and if i said it, he might just run. He does not need his emotional ex girlfirend to start pressuring him for a relationship right now as his wife packs up and moves out. I guess i just would like to know that he thinks of me. And that he misses me. He responded to my request for no contact by saying he's sorry I'm feeling so uncomfortable, he wishes me the best, and to contact him when I'm ready. I just want him to chase me, because if he means it, I'll take him back.
carhill Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 IMO, and I'm often wrong , a clear and honest discourse is the best way to clear the air. I can (and have) told my friend my true feelings, because, for me, once they're out, my emotional state stabilizes. Everyone is different, but this (open honesty) works for me. Yes, she found it all a bit overwhelming, but she helped me resolve a lot of the past and bring things back to a current state of friendship, just as I did for her long ago. I think, in any relationship, working to be on the same page is important. You and your ex have a history, so it's not like dating, where you're slowly getting to know a stranger. When my friend called me for the first time (I had sent her a blank BD card and had just handwritten my business web URL on the back), we talked for a couple hours nonstop and her words were "it's like I had known you all my life", which I took to mean the interceding years didn't appear to distance us. So, from that point, mindful of my moral code (she has hers too), we proceeded to get to know each other again, involving our SO's a few months later, once we (especially I) resolved some of my latent infatuation from the past. Your situation is different, but IMO being honest with your ex is healthy, as is being cognizant of your boundaries. If there is a connection, it will be there tomorrow, next month, next year, or a decade from now. Do what works best for you. By clearly communicating, you both are on the same page as to what your perspectives and emotional states are. Hope that helps!
Author Galexia Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 so are you saying that i shou8ld re contact him only to tell him I'm madly in love with him and would like a chance at a rlationship again only when he is ready? Or shally I just leave it where it is right now and see what happens over the next few weeks, months....etc?
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