sweetbutcheeky Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I hope that I ask comes out the right way. If a guy is sincere would he bring up sex in any way? I know guys are always thinking about it and I am flirty and don't mind a little banter. If a guy does bring it up should you not talk about it? I do love sex and would want to meet someone compatible in that way, so wouldn't want them to think I am a prude. But I always meet guys who talk about it right away and when I tell them I would like to leave that topic until later then end up disappearing. Of course if that's all they wanted it doesn't matter but is there a middle ground where it's healthy just flirty talk and they aren't just talking about it cause that's all they want?
Star Gazer Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Need more information to understand the context. Are you two dating? If so, for how long? How old are you? Exactly how did he bring sex into the conversation?
DanielMadr Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I hope that I ask comes out the right way. If a guy is sincere would he bring up sex in any way? I know guys are always thinking about it and I am flirty and don't mind a little banter. If a guy does bring it up should you not talk about it? I do love sex and would want to meet someone compatible in that way, so wouldn't want them to think I am a prude. But I always meet guys who talk about it right away and when I tell them I would like to leave that topic until later then end up disappearing. Of course if that's all they wanted it doesn't matter but is there a middle ground where it's healthy just flirty talk and they aren't just talking about it cause that's all they want? Basically you say, that guys you meet have no understanding for your insencerity. You are, look, behave like a person who has no troubles talking sexual stuff but once they start you cut them. It may give them some red flags. On the other hand I dont think sexual stuff is a propriet stuff for 1st date and guys should know it.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 I'm not dating anyone at the moment but will try and explain better why and what I am asking. I meet someone new, start talking, date or 2. He brings up the sex (sometimes intense, sometimes just playful flirting), seems like without fail and out of no where. Well seems that way to me. So at this point it's a red flag because I feel that if they bring it up right away, that's all they want. (well what I have learned from past guys anyway). Should a guy bringing up sex be a red flag that it's all they want? Can they be sincere and be interested in finding out if there is relationship there and bring up the topic? Sometimes I think it's just a guy being a guy so I will answer the question or be playful back. Sometimes I will say that I enjoy it but would rather leave the topic until later on. Though both end up in the result that he was just interested in sex and pretending he was interested in relationships.
Star Gazer Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I still don't understand the context. Give me an example of how he brings it up.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 I still don't understand the context. Give me an example of how he brings it up. Well is more the fact that be brings it up at all. Sometimes we are chatting and something is said that could be taken either way and the topic comes up, he asks if I am a sexual person or if I like certain things. Or other times not so innocent asking how many times a day, what I like to wear, do I like freaky things.
Star Gazer Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Well is more the fact that be brings it up at all. Sometimes we are chatting and something is said that could be taken either way and the topic comes up, he asks if I am a sexual person or if I like certain things. Or other times not so innocent asking how many times a day, what I like to wear, do I like freaky things. After a date or two (or even three or four)!? Then yes, absolutely - I'd think he was looking for pretty much nothing but sex.
MalachiX Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Perhaps the simplest thing is just to ask the guy what he's looking for (though it seems rather clear based on your last post). Yes, I guy can talk about sex, want to have sex with you, but still be sincere and looking for a real relationship. He can also just want sex and be honest about it if you ask.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 I have asked, told him when the topic comes up that it's a red flag. They tell me that they are looking for a relationship, but then they stop chatting. So obviously weren't telling the truth.
Siphon9a Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I know for me I'm usually trying to find a relationship. And to be honest I'm usually the prude who takes longer to get involved sexually. Simply because if it's someone I like I want to make sure they know it's not just sex I'm after. I mean usually it's the girl with my experiences that initates things. But then again I'm a patient person as I realize life's not all about just that. There is alot more to a relationship. But once that door is open I try and kick the damn hinges off and have fun!
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 If a guy brings it up right away should you consider him a write off? That he isn't looking for the same thing as you and move on? Sad thing is I am a magnet for these guys and can't seem to meet one who in sincere. Different places, ages, races but still the same ... They find me.
fishtaco Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Remember, men are simple. During the courtship phase, i.e. just dating, sex = physical attraction, that's it. Don't read anything else into it. It won't make you lose the potential relationship, nor will it help you get the relationship. Then simple logic follows (men like logic). Relationship = physical attraction + emotional attraction + compatibility. Just because you have the physical part, doesn't mean you'll have the other parts. But if you don't have the physical part, you certainly don't have the possibility of a relationship. You have the right to bail anytime during the just dating phase. Guess what, so does he. A lot of the times if you haven't built anything significant, an explanation or closure isn't necessary. So the one that was bailed on start guessing to why this happened. Now unless you did have sex and it was just horrible, sex is most likely not the reason. But an experienced and well adjusted individual, men or women, at this point would shrug it off and just move on. There are ALWAYS more potential dates out there. Unless you live in a town of 10 people, you won't run out. No point focusing on something that doesn't matter anyway. If a guy brings up sex, unless he brings it up in an inappropriate or creepy manner, it's really not that big of a deal. Men misread women's cues ALL THE TIME. It could be from just a simple misunderstanding. The correct response would be ok, I'm into it, or no, I'm not ready yet. But it shouldn't be a big deal. If he treats it like a big deal, drop him. If you treat it like a big deal, similarly, you should be dropped. Sorry, but it's only fair to treat both genders equally. He should respect your wishes to wait, and you should respect his physical attraction to you and wanting to have sex with you. Respect doesn't mean give in. It just means being understanding. You know there are low-sex drive/super slow guys out there. Is that your preference? The fact is, men and women most likely will have a different schedule of how fast to move forward. Respecting and understanding and try to reach a compromise is the best way to go. But realistically being a woman you'll always have guys after you, so it's optional that you be understanding. Really you can do whatever you like and more guys will hit up on you anyway. So at the very least, don't let disappearing guys give you a complex. You could be the one to disappear on them the next time. All is fair in love and war. Playing nice is optional and entirely up to you.
Chanke4252 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I will bring up sex in the first two hours of meeting you, and you will laugh. Yes guys can bring up sex, just don't be weird about it.
Rex Man Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 1) Take a critical look at the interactions and see if you're cueing them. It seems to me that if this is happening with ALL the men, you are likely subtely cueing them and if so, you're solution is simple. 2) If a guy brings sex up in a subtle, funny way, he's probably just dipping his toe in the pool to see when (if at all) it will be good to jump in. Laugh it off and switch gears; but I wouldn't recommend acting horrified at the notion. Prudes are scary.
Enema Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Sex is a big part of most relationships... he could have just been trying to find out if you two are compatible. After a couple of dates I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Why waste time on someone that you're at polar opposites with re: sex? Further, and possibly the answer to your question: Why waste time with someone who won't even talk about it?
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I used to look at it as just that, he is wondering if we are compatible. Just one of the questions he is asking in finding out more about each other and so on. I didn't mind answering or asking any of my own because I am fine with that and curious myself. I don't cue the topic, but didn't shut it down if it came up. Some guys were subtle and just flirty which is fine with me, but not so much. That being said I'm not talking after a few dates, more like first or second conversation. Which is why concern comes in. Well that and the fact that sometimes they want to know about sex before anything else about me. Also the reason that I ended up asking is because every experience I have had when the topic comes up is that is all they wanted. So if that's the only experience you ever have it makes you worried when a guy you were liking brings it up right away ...
BentSpine Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) Yes, men who seek an exclusive relationship can still bring up sex. If they fear that their high sexual drive could be an issue, they might think that it's better to find out during the first date. Precisely, and I mean precisely, as women with a kid will without fail bring up that that fact up during the first date. By bringing up sex, the serious, highly sexual men aren't probing you to check if you are ready to have sex with them. Instead, they are gauging your level of Prudeness. Prudeness isn't associated with frequent and uninhibited sex and thereby prudeness would cause the whole foundation for a lasting relationship to be missing for the serious men. When you let your date know that him bringing up sex was a red-flag, your date became quiet, not because he weren't honest, but because you just scored too high on his prudeness meter. He became quiet because he needed a moment to recollect himself, after realising that what he had hoped for, an exclusive relationship with you with plenty of sex, will never happen. Being the beautiful but physically weaker sex, females may fear that just talking about having sex may excite the man beyond the point of his self-control. Until the woman feels ready to have sex with him, she might not feel comfortable with giving such enticing signals. Hence the woman may feel that the longer time the sex subject is delayed from being brought up, the more comfortable she becomes. Men don't think this way since we certainly don't fear over-enticing our date. Edited April 2, 2008 by BentSpine
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 When you let your date know that him bringing up sex was a red-flag, your date became quiet, not because he weren't honest, but because you just scored too high on his prudeness meter. He became quiet because he needed a moment to recollect himself, after realising that what he had hoped for, an exclusive relationship with you with plenty of sex, will never happen. Being the beautiful but physically weaker sex, females may fear that just talking about having sex may excite the man beyond the point of his self-control. Until the woman feels ready to have sex with him, she might not feel comfortable with giving such enticing signals. Hence the woman may feel that the longer time the sex subject is delayed from being brought up, the more comfortable she becomes. Men don't think this way since we certainly don't fear over-enticing our date. I never said he stopped talking when I said it was a red flag for me, some just kept on going asking question. And I didn't just say I don't think your sincere because you mentioned sex and that's a red flag for me. I explained that I am a sexual person, have no problem talking about it openly, I am just concerned when it comes up in out first or second conversation. Thank you for letting me know what woman feel!
BentSpine Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I never said he stopped talking when I said it was a red flag for me, some just kept on going asking question. And I didn't just say I don't think your sincere because you mentioned sex and that's a red flag for me. I explained that I am a sexual person, have no problem talking about it openly, I am just concerned when it comes up in out first or second conversation. OK. If I had wrong info starting out then I encourage you to simply ignore the wrong conclusions that I made based on that wrong info. Thank you for letting me know what woman feel! That's just rude. I was trying to help.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 OK. If I had wrong info starting out then I encourage you to simply ignore the wrong conclusions that I made based on that wrong info. That's just rude. I was trying to help. Sorry wasn't trying to be rude and I appreciate any help. It just seemed to generalize woman.
audrey_1 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Yes, men who seek an exclusive relationship can still bring up sex. If they fear that their high sexual drive could be an issue, they might think that it's better to find out during the first date. Precisely, and I mean precisely, as women with a kid will without fail bring up that that fact up during the first date. By bringing up sex, the serious, highly sexual men aren't probing you to check if you are ready to have sex with them. Instead, they are gauging your level of Prudeness. Prudeness isn't associated with frequent and uninhibited sex and thereby prudeness would cause the whole foundation for a lasting relationship to be missing for the serious men. When you let your date know that him bringing up sex was a red-flag, your date became quiet, not because he weren't honest, but because you just scored too high on his prudeness meter. He became quiet because he needed a moment to recollect himself, after realising that what he had hoped for, an exclusive relationship with you with plenty of sex, will never happen. Being the beautiful but physically weaker sex, females may fear that just talking about having sex may excite the man beyond the point of his self-control. Until the woman feels ready to have sex with him, she might not feel comfortable with giving such enticing signals. Hence the woman may feel that the longer time the sex subject is delayed from being brought up, the more comfortable she becomes. Men don't think this way since we certainly don't fear over-enticing our date. This is helpful to me, actually. In my current dating situation, we talked about sex over the phone before we had our first real date. Granted, I had known him since we were 5 years old, but didn't see him from the 8th grade until our early 30s. It'd been a while! So I think, since he said he'd had a crush on me since we were kids, that he wanted to talk about my preferences to scope my level of "prudeness" like you said. Despite his physical attraction to me, he probably wouldn't have been interested in pursuing an emotional connection with me if I was going to be closed off sexually. I've since found out his drive is quite high, as is mine (damn those hormonal 30s!) I'm just glad we can talk about sex without getting all weird.
eric82 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Yes, men who seek an exclusive relationship can still bring up sex. If they fear that their high sexual drive could be an issue, they might think that it's better to find out during the first date. Precisely, and I mean precisely, as women with a kid will without fail bring up that that fact up during the first date. By bringing up sex, the serious, highly sexual men aren't probing you to check if you are ready to have sex with them. Instead, they are gauging your level of Prudeness. Prudeness isn't associated with frequent and uninhibited sex and thereby prudeness would cause the whole foundation for a lasting relationship to be missing for the serious men. When you let your date know that him bringing up sex was a red-flag, your date became quiet, not because he weren't honest, but because you just scored too high on his prudeness meter. He became quiet because he needed a moment to recollect himself, after realising that what he had hoped for, an exclusive relationship with you with plenty of sex, will never happen. Being the beautiful but physically weaker sex, females may fear that just talking about having sex may excite the man beyond the point of his self-control. Until the woman feels ready to have sex with him, she might not feel comfortable with giving such enticing signals. Hence the woman may feel that the longer time the sex subject is delayed from being brought up, the more comfortable she becomes. Men don't think this way since we certainly don't fear over-enticing our date. The woman finds probing sexual questions during the first few dates discomforting because it indicates that the guy is focused on knowing her sexually before getting to know her as a person. It shows that he is either too inexperienced, desperate, or impatient to use less intrusive means (like playful conversation/touching) to gauge her interest level and compatibility. It can make the woman uncomfortable and question the guy's motives not because as you suggest she might fear him being so enticed that he loses self-control, but because it makes her wonder if she's worth it to him to put in the time and effort to get to know her before having sex. The bluntness pressures her to give intimate details about herself to a guy who she probably just recently met and knows little about, and who is blatantly trying to cut corners instead of charming the details out of her. The fact that the guy is probing instead of letting her reveal it to him naturally with the rest of her personality shows that he is more focused on having sex than having a relationship with her that involves sex. Women like to talk about themselves and women like to have sex, but more importantly women like to feel understood and appreciated. The fact that he is probing early on means that even though he has yet to earn that level of trust from her, he is trying to force it to determine as soon as possible whether to continue or bail. Relationships are based on loyalty and trust, not just sex. So, it's no wonder she is made to feel suspicious if she's looking for a serious relationship. If the guy is basing compatibility and prudeness on what the woman is saying instead of displaying, he is clearly going about it the wrong way. Talk is just talk. Even if a woman says she won't do this or that, she is human and has passions that under the right circumstances, with the right person, can cause her to do/enjoy things she never thought she would. Also, if she answers sex questions early on, it's unlikely to be completely open and honest. After all, she is dating and trying to present her best side.
eric82 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 This is helpful to me, actually. In my current dating situation, we talked about sex over the phone before we had our first real date. Granted, I had known him since we were 5 years old, but didn't see him from the 8th grade until our early 30s. It'd been a while! So I think, since he said he'd had a crush on me since we were kids, that he wanted to talk about my preferences to scope my level of "prudeness" like you said. Despite his physical attraction to me, he probably wouldn't have been interested in pursuing an emotional connection with me if I was going to be closed off sexually. I've since found out his drive is quite high, as is mine (damn those hormonal 30s!) I'm just glad we can talk about sex without getting all weird. Oh ok, then that makes the situation different. I thought you were saying some guy you just started dating, not someone you knew in childhood and reconnected with.
Author sweetbutcheeky Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 The woman finds probing sexual questions during the first few dates discomforting because it indicates that the guy is focused on knowing her sexually before getting to know her as a person. It shows that he is either too inexperienced, desperate, or impatient to use less intrusive means (like playful conversation/touching) to gauge her interest level and compatibility. Exactly! Though the problem is that not all guys understand that. So that's what goes through a woman's head. What goes threw the man's? Obviously with some it comes out of their mouths because they just want to know what you are willing to do and when will you do them. But what about the others? Do they still have good intentions, want to see where it goes to see if there is a possible relationship? But let their curiosity get the better of them?
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