4givrnt4gtr Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I have been wondering a while now.....this is mostly for women with men like the one Im about to describe...or men who are like these themselves... Men who will come over to your house cuz you are sick or had a short trip to the ER Men who no matter how busy/tired he is, will go to your house and see you because you had a horrible day and you requested a dinner date with him THAT NIGHT (not when is convenient for him) Men who will miss the game to have a date with you Men who notice its been a week since he last saw you and cant wait to see you Men who will go out of their way to be with you Men with whom you dont have to wonder where they stand with you. They are clear about their feelings and are glad to let you know How do good relationships start? Im at a point where I dont belive there is such a thing. Im at a point where I dont believe i'll find a man who could care enough to put an effort to be with me. Bad day...as you could tell...and bf didnt help
jerbear Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I have been wondering a while now.....this is mostly for women with men like the one Im about to describe...or men who are like these themselves... Men who will come over to your house cuz you are sick or had a short trip to the ER Men who no matter how busy/tired he is, will go to your house and see you because you had a horrible day and you requested a dinner date with him THAT NIGHT (not when is convenient for him) Men who will miss the game to have a date with you Men who notice its been a week since he last saw you and cant wait to see you Men who will go out of their way to be with you Men with whom you dont have to wonder where they stand with you. They are clear about their feelings and are glad to let you know How do good relationships start? Im at a point where I dont belive there is such a thing. Im at a point where I dont believe i'll find a man who could care enough to put an effort to be with me. Bad day...as you could tell...and bf didnt help They do exist but most of the time they are either already married to you or guys you friendzoned.
Kamille Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I have been wondering a while now.....this is mostly for women with men like the one Im about to describe...or men who are like these themselves... Men who will come over to your house cuz you are sick or had a short trip to the ER Men who no matter how busy/tired he is, will go to your house and see you because you had a horrible day and you requested a dinner date with him THAT NIGHT (not when is convenient for him) Men who will miss the game to have a date with you Men who notice its been a week since he last saw you and cant wait to see you Men who will go out of their way to be with you Men with whom you dont have to wonder where they stand with you. They are clear about their feelings and are glad to let you know How do good relationships start? Im at a point where I dont belive there is such a thing. Im at a point where I dont believe i'll find a man who could care enough to put an effort to be with me. Bad day...as you could tell...and bf didnt help Sorry for the bad day ((4givnt4gtr)) This isn't going to make you feel better, but the answer is Yes, those men exists. My bf has done each and everyone of the things on the list, down to insisting on coming to meet me at the healthclinic just because I had an infection. I have felt like you have in the past. But yes you can find a man that will treat you the way you want to be treated. I'm tired now, but I'll probably post more tomorow.
Star Gazer Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 In my personal experience, most of the guys I have dated have all started out the way you describe. What I cannot figure out is what makes them change and become so comfortable so as to stop putting forth any effort whatsoever.
jerbear Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 In my personal experience, most of the guys I have dated have all started out the way you describe. What I cannot figure out is what makes them change and become so comfortable so as to stop putting forth any effort whatsoever. This also potentially helps answer the OP's questions. The comfort comes from guys having their own lives and sometimes we have to be jerks just to keep our independence. Sometimes us guys just doesn't know when to say yes or no.
HeavenScent Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 4givnt4gtr, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I have met the man you described. We were together for 4 years when tragedy struck. It was wonderful and you know what, I believe there is still a lot of men like that out there. It's just a matter of time...
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 In my personal experience, most of the guys I have dated have all started out the way you describe. What I cannot figure out is what makes them change and become so comfortable so as to stop putting forth any effort whatsoever. Well you know how it is. Like anything it's human nature to be all excited and bright-eyed and bush-tailed at teh beginning of something, for example, first day at school, first day at a new job, etc. Perhaps, they lost their motivation. Maybe they didn't think it was getting them rewarded doing those things? You have to reward behavior you want.
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 4givnt4gtr, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I have met the man you described. We were together for 4 years when tragedy struck. It was wonderful and you know what, I believe there is still a lot of men like that out there. It's just a matter of time... There's a lot of men out there like that. you just have to, first give these types of guys the chance, tell them what you want and really meant it, and encourage or reward the behavior when he does it.
MexicanBillBacker Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I have been wondering a while now.....this is mostly for women with men like the one Im about to describe...or men who are like these themselves... Men who will come over to your house cuz you are sick or had a short trip to the ER Men who no matter how busy/tired he is, will go to your house and see you because you had a horrible day and you requested a dinner date with him THAT NIGHT (not when is convenient for him) Men who will miss the game to have a date with you Men who notice its been a week since he last saw you and cant wait to see you Men who will go out of their way to be with you Men with whom you dont have to wonder where they stand with you. They are clear about their feelings and are glad to let you know How do good relationships start? Im at a point where I dont belive there is such a thing. Im at a point where I dont believe i'll find a man who could care enough to put an effort to be with me. Bad day...as you could tell...and bf didnt help I don't know if I'm that kind of guy but for example the girl I like right now. She's been my best friend for about a year. We both told each other everything and just recently like a month ago I started feeling something for her. Unlike other times I went right for her. We just went out on our 1st date Friday I had an amazing time and think she did too. I don't exactly know how she feels about me but I'm gonna ask her out a couple times and then tell her how I feel. She's an amazing person so I have a way of thinking that if she feels the same about me then that's great if she doesn't feel the same way then no problem because I really just want her to be happy. And I'll just have to hope she doesn't fall in love with some ******* that hurts her because she deserves better. I hope this restored your faith on men
HeavenScent Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 There's a lot of men out there like that. you just have to, first give these types of guys the chance, tell them what you want and really meant it, and encourage or reward the behavior when he does it. I have met that man and I have also met more like that. I am just not ready to date seriously as it's only been 1 year since he passed away. Encouraged and rewarded him perfectly. If I didn't, I don't think we'd be together for that long and if it weren't for the tragedy, we would still be together. But that's life...
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I have met that man and I have also met more like that. I am just not ready to date seriously as it's only been 1 year since he passed away. Encouraged and rewarded him perfectly. If I didn't, I don't think we'd be together for that long and if it weren't for the tragedy, we would still be together. But that's life... Sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you got the right attitude. And that will be an advantage when you do decide to try it again.
konfuzd Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Yup - these guys are around, but the problem is decent girls stick with the ones who treat them badly, which sets them into a pattern where they think it's acceptable. If girls would just stand up for themselves and walk away from guys like that, they'd be forced to change, or be alone. I've learned (the hard way) that you can't waste your time with the wrong guy, because you might just miss out on the right one in the meantime. Good luck, and don't settle for less than what you truly feel you deserve.
Trialbyfire Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Yes, great guys exist like that. They illustrate to you, exactly what not to stay with, when someone doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You're neither their mother or trainer, that you have to teach/train them how to treat you right.
HeavenScent Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Yup - these guys are around, but the problem is decent girls stick with the ones who treat them badly, which sets them into a pattern where they think it's acceptable. If girls would just stand up for themselves and walk away from guys like that, they'd be forced to change, or be alone. Why is it that men think women stick to bad guys? I know there is a few out there, maybe more than a few but please... any decent woman would not stick around with bad guys. Maybe those who stay are being emotionally/mentally abused but I know a woman with a sane mind would not stick around.
FormerNiceGuy Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I have been wondering a while now.....this is mostly for women with men like the one Im about to describe...or men who are like these themselves... Men who will come over to your house cuz you are sick or had a short trip to the ER Men who no matter how busy/tired he is, will go to your house and see you because you had a horrible day and you requested a dinner date with him THAT NIGHT (not when is convenient for him) Men who will miss the game to have a date with you Men who notice its been a week since he last saw you and cant wait to see you Men who will go out of their way to be with you Men with whom you dont have to wonder where they stand with you. They are clear about their feelings and are glad to let you know How do good relationships start? Im at a point where I dont belive there is such a thing. Im at a point where I dont believe i'll find a man who could care enough to put an effort to be with me. Bad day...as you could tell...and bf didnt help They're everywhere. You call them "just friends."
HeavenScent Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you got the right attitude. And that will be an advantage when you do decide to try it again. There's still room for improvement and I am working on that.
frd150 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Sorta describes me. Traits instilled by my mother and Father both. Its just what you do for people. And yes it often lands me in the friend zone:confused:
Trimmer Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Men who will come over to your house cuz you are sick or had a short trip to the ER Men who no matter how busy/tired he is, will go to your house and see you because you had a horrible day and you requested a dinner date with him THAT NIGHT (not when is convenient for him) Men who will miss the game to have a date with you Men who notice its been a week since he last saw you and cant wait to see you Men who will go out of their way to be with you Men with whom you dont have to wonder where they stand with you. They are clear about their feelings and are glad to let you know Yes, there are caring, loving men out there. I think generally your list is possible, but I do want to point out a couple of things I see that could be interpreted in different ways... Men who no matter how busy/tired he is, will go to your house and see you because you had a horrible day and you requested a dinner date with him THAT NIGHT... This sounds a little bit controlling. If I call and request, you need to be here no matter how busy or tired you are. I understand this desire, but I want to know that a woman I'm with, no matter how bad a day she's had, will still show some empathy for how my day has been when she demands I drop everything to care for her. Empathy and caring go both ways. If we both have a sh*tty day, do you just assume that it's the man who needs to drop everything and serve you, or do you meet in the middle somewhere, and care for each other? Men who will miss the game to have a date with you... Or poker night or a day out with the boys, or whatever else. Not completely unreasonable on its face, unless you mean a man who will miss every game, or any game you pick on short notice? I believe it's healthy, in a relationship, to have some amount of independence, including independent interests, and when one plans such time, I think it reasonable for a partner to support and understand that. It sounds like you are looking for gestures from him, that tell you that you are the highest priority in his life, but I also get a sense that you want to be assured that you can call for proof at any moment - during "the game," or when he is tired or busy at the end of a day. Prove my importance, by giving up things that are important to you - your game, your comfort, your schedule, sleep, etc. It sounds like you seek these gestures to reassure you that nothing will ever come before you at any moment. I might suggest that if you are confident in your relationship, you wouldn't be shaken by him needing "alone time," planning to watch a game with the guys, or not being able to serve a particular need of yours at a moment's notice. Now, lest you think I'm harping on you too much, I admit that I may be reading more into your subtle comments than is warranted. I think men who will do the nice things on your list do exist - I was such a man (right down to the "do anything at any moment.") For example, I used to drive my wife to the airport for business trips, even after we had been together for 6 years, and married for 2. Isn't that romantic? Ultimately I found myself picking her up and also giving a ride home to a colleague I later discoverd she had just begun an affair with on that trip. Hah! Can you imagine how awkward that must have been for them? So, like Bette Davis said (wasn't it?) a woman wants to be able to control her man, and then once she can, she loses respect for him. I think I'm still going to be a loving, caring man, but also one that respects myself and maintains my identity as a man, even as I am involved in a relationship. Taking some imagined, future "her" to the ER, bringing her hot soup if she's in bed with the flu or a cold, surprising her with a note or flowers now and then, and yes, caring for her after a bad day. But I am also a man, confident in myself and who I am, and what I need in a partner is a similar level of contact, contribution, understanding, and empathy, so that these loving gestures are a two-way flow of intimacy, and not just a subservient relationship. So, can you tell me: do these women exist?
BlueEyedGirl Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 The do exist but they are not very common. I refuse to date anyone who doesn't have all of those qualities.
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Now, lest you think I'm harping on you too much, I admit that I may be reading more into your subtle comments than is warranted. I think men who will do the nice things on your list do exist - I was such a man (right down to the "do anything at any moment.") For example, I used to drive my wife to the airport for business trips, even after we had been together for 6 years, and married for 2. Isn't that romantic? Ultimately I found myself picking her up and also giving a ride home to a colleague I later discoverd she had just begun an affair with on that trip. Hah! Can you imagine how awkward that must have been for them? So, like Bette Davis said (wasn't it?) a woman wants to be able to control her man, and then once she can, she loses respect for him. See I hear so many stories like this that how can I'm not be concerned about, if not unwilling, to do all these nice things a woman might ask for and say she wants?
HeavenScent Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 So, like Bette Davis said (wasn't it?) a woman wants to be able to control her man, and then once she can, she loses respect for him. For all the things that my late boyfriend has done for me, I had full respect for him. For all the things my father, brother and cousins did for me, I had full respect and still have respect for them. Why would a woman lose respect for the man in her life for doing all the things he did for her? As much as you think women are disrespectful or lose respect after all the goodies that have been done for them, men are the same too. Just look at all the men posting in Infidelity, Other Woman/Man board.
Kiss Dont Miss Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 So today is the first of April, April fool's Day, and I hope everyone is having a nice and merry day! There are lots of guys on this planet. some are good, others are bad. Some are sweet and nice, others are evil and cruel. They are so different. And I'm sure the one who seeks will find. One day. The day that will come very soon. Girls, such men do exist!!! And we will find them!
Belkin Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 They do exist but most of the time they are either already married to you or guys you friendzoned. I second that! They're called "nice guys," you have loads of them among your male friends but you're just not attracted to them because, well, they're just friends.
DanielMadr Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I have been wondering a while now.....this is mostly for women with men like the one Im about to describe...or men who are like these themselves... Men who will come over to your house cuz you are sick or had a short trip to the ER Men who no matter how busy/tired he is, will go to your house and see you because you had a horrible day and you requested a dinner date with him THAT NIGHT (not when is convenient for him) Men who will miss the game to have a date with you Men who notice its been a week since he last saw you and cant wait to see you Men who will go out of their way to be with you Men with whom you dont have to wonder where they stand with you. They are clear about their feelings and are glad to let you know How do good relationships start? Im at a point where I dont belive there is such a thing. Im at a point where I dont believe i'll find a man who could care enough to put an effort to be with me. Bad day...as you could tell...and bf didnt help These guys are called Nice Guys, millions of them, basically they are inferiority ridden guys who dont have a clue what are women about and they think they are like their mommy. And you probably pissed them so much with your post. Im sure you dont know any of them. You date only the smart ones, who dont care about you that much and probably even know that you start to think of them more, when they dont show up every time you would like. You have just proven it right now. Please try to find some gentleman who really likes you and stop bitching around about some walking dildo that has no simple human decency like visit dieing girlfriend.
Trimmer Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 For all the things that my late boyfriend has done for me, I had full respect for him. For all the things my father, brother and cousins did for me, I had full respect and still have respect for them. Why would a woman lose respect for the man in her life for doing all the things he did for her? I think you may have misread my meaning, or I stated it incautiously. I wasn't saying that simply doing kind or romantic things for a woman causes her to lose respect. I'm not derogating these acts of love, offered in either direction. I'm talking about the attitudes and motivations that underlie them. If they are offered freely, then they represent love. If they are demanded petulantly - "no matter how tired or busy he is..." without empathy or understanding in return, then they start to sound like insecurity, which breeds fear and a need to control: prove to me that I am important by giving up things that are important to you. I repeat that idea because I think it is profound. If your measure of dedication, commitment, love, is your partner's willingness to give up things that are important to him or her, what does that really say? I think a healthy relationship can be based on a mutual respect for the needs of the individuals. I made the mistake once already: I want my next relationship to reflect a respect for the individuality of the partners, while still representing a joining together of lives. I'm talking about being a balanced individual, and thus, being able to fully participate in a balanced relationship. And if you tell me that you had this kind of relationship with your boyfriend, then I have to believe that you did have one of those built upon the respect and mutual empathy that I'm hoping for myself eventually, and not burdened with the control issues and power imbalances that concern me. And no matter what, I'm sorry for your loss. As much as you think women are disrespectful or lose respect after all the goodies that have been done for them, men are the same too. Just look at all the men posting in Infidelity, Other Woman/Man board. As I've explained above, I don't think that, as you've stated it here. And I fully agree that power imbalances and insecurities work in both directions. To summarize: I'm not saying, don't do acts of kindness and love. I'm saying: are you sure you want to measure your partner's love by what he gives up, or by how much he subjugates his own needs over time to be in the relationship? I don't want my next relationship to be based on that.
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