I know its only a matter of time b4 I mess everything up.....

[AppleV]

Well Im new here. And I just really wanted to post.....

I have absolutley nobody I can talk to about this, and I just really need to vent, it doesnt matter if no one even reads it, I know I will feel all the better by just reading it myself. Maybe it may help me get a little perspective. Im sure I will be judged, but its nothing that I am not doing to myself already anyway.......

 

My husband and I have been married 18 months and we have a 10 month old beautiful baby boy. TBH I would not have married him if I wasnt pregnant - not sure I would still be with him at all. I know thats a really **** reason to get married, but I do love him and I really wanted to make it work for the sake of our son.

 

My husband loves to drink, smoke weed and piss away our money. Its always been a bone of contention in our relationship (hence why I dont think I would still be with him if it wasnt for the baby). I must stress that he is NOT abusive to me even when drunk, neither mentally or physically.

But our sex life is practically non existant, we like different things and I just dont feel appreciated or desired at all.

 

Ok, Im sure you all know whats coming next.........

So my boss, who is twice my age, and has always shown me attention and whom I have always got along very well with, kissed me a couple of months ago. I responded, as I do like him as a person, hes very charismatic and certainly doesnt act his age (64). The next day I was mortified, but it started happening again and again. we havent had sex yet although things have gotten pretty hot and heavy on occasion. Despite the age difference - which I dont even see anymore, - I feel I am starting to fall in love with this man. Grrrrrrrr

 

My boss is also married, which makes matters worse. OMG Im such a cliche.

I am so disguted with myself, but I just cant seem to help myself.

 

Can someone please talk some sense into me??

What the hell I am doing...........???

Edited April 1, 2008 by AppleV

[Tripper]

Im sure I will be judged, but its nothing that I am not doing to myself already anyway.......

 

Apple, generally most posters here are nonjudgmental. There are a few that may criticize, but overall you will get some support or advice.

 

My husband and I have been married 18 months and we have a 10 month old beautiful baby boy. TBH I would not have married him if I wasnt pregnant - not sure I would still be with him at all. I know thats a really **** reason to get married, but I do love him and I really wanted to make it work for the sake of our son.

 

My husband loves to drink, smoke weed and piss away our money. Its always been a bone of contention in our relationship (hence why I dont think I would still be with him if it wasnt for the baby). I must stress that he is NOT abusive to me even when drunk, neither mentally or physically.

But our sex life is practically non existant, we like different things and I just dont feel appreciated or desired at all.

 

Ok, you've made a bad decision in getting married to your H. We all do that occasionally. Even tho' it's for a good reason - your child.

Now, I must ask, how do you see this marriage progressing?? Do you think it will last long term?? Given what you've written, I can't see a favourable prognosis for you marriage unless changes are made, specifically your H taking responsibility as a H and father. Drinking and smoking weed aren't necessarily bad if it's occasional use (some here will disagree) but constant, addictive use, like anything else that's overdone, is damaging to the individual and the relationship. It sounds like your H has an addictive personality and is dependent on booze and weed. Not exactly the greatest role model for your child.

Have you spoken to him about this?? Will he consider sobering up?? Does he even care about you and your child??

 

So my boss, who is twice my age, and has always shown me attention and whom I have always got along very well with, kissed me a couple of months ago. I responded, as I do like him as a person, hes very charismatic and certainly doesnt act his age (64). The next day I was mortified, but it started happening again and again. we havent had sex yet although things have gotten pretty hot and heavy on occasion. Despite the age difference - which I dont even see anymore, - I feel I am starting to fall in love with this man. Grrrrrrrr

 

My boss is also married, which makes matters worse.

 

Going down this road will hurt everyone. You will all lose. Read enough threads on this board and you will see that there is very rarely a happy ending to any kind of an EMA.

 

IMHO, what you need to do is end your A with your boss; quit your job if you have to. Then you and your H really need to have a very serious discussion about how and what you feel and what you both want going forward. If you want to make your marriage work, it will take a lot of effort.

[mark982]

as someone who's been on the recieving end of my ex wifes cheating, if you feel that strongly about your boss,and feel you should not of married,or married for the wrong reasons. why not just leave your husband b/4 there's a real mess. it will end alot of aggravation.

[norajane]

TBH I would not have married him if I wasnt pregnant - not sure I would still be with him at all. I know thats a really **** reason to get married

 

My husband loves to drink, smoke weed and piss away our money. Its always been a bone of contention in our relationship (hence why I dont think I would still be with him if it wasnt for the baby).

 

It's not a reason to get married, and it's not a reason to stay married if things are bad between you.

but I do love him and I really wanted to make it work for the sake of our son

 

If that's true, then WORK on the marriage. Don't start an affair with your married boss. That will not HELP the marriage; it will only make everything that much worse and that much more complicated.

 

If you can't be with your H, then get a divorce now. If you want to stay married, then force your husband to face the fact that your marriage is in serious trouble and you both need to start sorting things out, maybe with a marriage counselor.

[AppleV]

Its just hard - we all know that our heads and hearts scream completely different things most of the time.

 

I know I should end it with my boss. I dont have to quit my job, as I only work 3 days a week and he really doesnt have to be there very much, (cant explain - its just the nature of the job) in other words we could avoid each other if we really wanted.

 

I do want to work on my marriage. But can therapy really get back those feelings that seem so long gone?

 

I have talked to H several times about his drinking, it just gets pushed to the back burner as he doesnt really get loaded every night, yes he does drink every day, some days 3 beers - some days 10. sometimes I feel Im just being a nagging bitch when it just seems like him having a few beers after work is not that big of a deal................ anyway I know Im digressing a bit from the A part but I am just trying to get my head round why Im cheating now............Im just so fed up

even though I havent had sex with my boss yet, its still cheating right?

I feel like it is..............

 

I wish I could get my boss out of my head though, that would be a good start. After lurking on this forum a bit I see that that seems to be the hardest thing is getting the OW/OM out of your mind

[Bryanp]

You ask if it is still cheating. If your husband was kissing his female boss at work, what would you call it? How would you feel if he was doing to you what you have been doing to him? Of course it it cheating. Don't you think you should be honest with your husband about what is going on? Wouldn't you want your husband to be honest with you?

[AppleV]

You ask if it is still cheating. If your husband was kissing his female boss at work, what would you call it? How would you feel if he was doing to you what you have been doing to him? Of course it it cheating. Don't you think you should be honest with your husband about what is going on? Wouldn't you want your husband to be honest with you?

 

Honestly no I wouldnt. Not if he ended it. Im not a big believer in the whole off-loading your concience on your partner or the OW/OM's partner.

I think it is hurtful and selfish, what people dont know doesnt hurt them.

The right thing to do is end the A, and deal with it yourself, no matter how hard and painful.

 

I feel more guilty because of my being emotionally unfaithful. I know Im cheating. But I just cant tell my H, I just feel bad enough me doing this without crushing him on top of it all.

 

Look this is unchartered territory for me, Im not a serial cheater who has this down pat. I really dont know the answers..... I know I just dont want to hurt my husband, despite how contradictory that may sound

[shakenandstirred]

Too many times have I heard "What he\she doesn't know won't hurt them". The truth has it's way of getting out, no matter if it's 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years or 5 decades. How do you know that someone at your office won't tell your husband? How do you know if you may slip up and leave evidence? He may already have a hunch that something is wrong, but is dismissing it because he has no proof....yet.

You don't have a clear conscience because guilt is eating you up inside, it's going to make you aggravated and depressed after awhile. Your husband is going to ask you "Is there anything wrong"? and you are going to say no. Once it gets out..and it will, he will be more angry at you for the lies and deceit than the actual cheating.

I think it is hurtful and selfish, what people dont know doesnt hurt them.

This is what you said. What is actually selfish is you saving yourself from what you have already done. You have already crushed him..he just doesn't know it ...yet. You are justifying not telling him based on what YOU think, but you don't even know if your husband would like to know or not. He will be glad you ended the affair...but angry that you deceived him and you will spend YEARS rebuilding his trust. If he finds out on his own, it will take YEARS and YEARS. This is your marriage, how bad do you want it?

[AppleV]

Dont get me wrong - I couldnt bear the thought of a confrontation. Of course I dont want to get caught. Im not trying to gain any moral high ground here by saying its selfish to 'unburden' on your H/W. I just happen to believe it.

And I know the old 'what they dont know cant hurt them' is really a terrible cliche, it really was for want of better words.

Im just trying to convey that 'No I would not want to know because I believe it would be too painful' and I believe my husband would feel the same.

Ive decided to end the affair. Its been going on for 2 months and I think I should end it now before it goes any further. The bottom line is, working on my marriage and its survival means more to me then this man. when I really think about it and allow myself to wade through the whole luvey dovey cotton candy of the A, this is the truthful raw deal.

[shakenandstirred]

Lovey Dovey cotton candy is found at fairs. Fairs are filled with fun and fantasy. So is Affairs. Your affair was nothing but a fantasy. A high that filled some emptiness you had. Fairs cost money, but affairs can cost you your soul. You have chosen the survival of your marriage, that is good. Now choose to be honest. Would you want your marriage based on lies from this point on? Does your husband deserved to be treated unfairly? Do not be a coward. Cowards never get anywhere because they are afraid of confrontation. If you were bold enough to start and end an affair, be bold enough to face the consequences.

[AppleV]

Oh God I cant.. Call me a coward then. Its just time to put it behind me and concentrate on my marriage. Whats the point in hurting him, when Im ending it?

My husband knows that our marriage is far from satisfying - Im sure for him as well, so for me to suggest therapy - Im sure would not surprise him.

I just wish OM wasnt my boss. He is also a friend and I do see him in social situations.. so obviously H knows him in passing and so for me to tell my H would be disasterous for all concerned. I just dont think that would be right.

This is so complicated

[shakenandstirred]

You don't get it. It already is a disaster. This is going to blow up in your face, it's just a matter of time. You will definately regret not telling. Your husband will feel like a fool and an idiot because you and your boss\friend has undermined him. He will remember going to functions with both of you and never knowing you two were involved in an affair. He will be LIVID. You are not saving him by not telling him. You are destroying him with deceit. You have made your choice to cheat, he now deserves to make a choice to whether he wants to stay with you or not. You are being selfish and doing damage control. I had to confess when I strayed. 21 years later I am still married. Your husband will be hurt, when and if you tell him. He will be even more hurt for not telling

[Owl]

Its not complicated.

 

Its that you don't like the reality of what's going to have to be done to get out of the situation. Not complicated...just darned painful.

 

Here's the thing. Do you want a marriage based on lies? You're ok with living everyday, knowing that you cheated on him, and have lied to him by omission everyday of your marriage since then? This won't bother you at all?

 

I've been married 20 years. I've also been a poster on this site and others for nearly four years now. I've seen a LOT of circumstances like this, and you may not want to hear this, but it has appeared that the vast majority of the time, the truth comes out eventually. You can't control or prevent that. What you CAN do is control how it comes out. You can either make it easier or harder for your H to deal with, depending on how it comes out.

 

Do you want a gameplan for getting through this? Its simple...not easy, but simple.

 

1. Tell your H.

2. Get into marriage counseling to help resolve the ongoing issues in your marriage.

3. Get a new job.

4. Establish a "no contact for life" policy with your boss.

5. Work with your MC, and your H, to either rebuild your marriage into something that both of you feel is better than where you're at now, and something that supports both of you...or, divorce.

 

I know you don't want to hear this. Because the first thing that has to happen is that you have to take ownership and responibility for your actions. Part of being a grown up tho...no?

 

It IS your mistake. And as such...its your mess to clean up.

 

There are things that your H clearly needs to work on...use this as a "wake up call" for BOTH of you to make the changes in your marriage to make it work out.

 

The ball is in your court now.

[AppleV]

Everything youre saying makes sense ideally, but Im afraid I just dont live in that world. Will it be hard for me to continue in my M knowing the big fat lie Im holding onto? Yes of course it will be, but I believe it will get easier in time.

But I just cant think about that right now until I end things with OM.

I tried to call him today but no answer. I did not leave a message.

I have the strength to do this. but I am afraid I just cannot tell my H. That I do not have the strength to do, nor to pick up the pieces afterwards. I know its a cop out and I wish I could be more noble but its just honestly honestly honestly how I feel.

[Owl]

Funny...I thought we all lived on Earth?

 

You don't live in a world where you can take responsibility and ownership for your choices and actions? I need a passport...quick!

 

There really isn't any more advice that anyone can give you...you've heard the same thing over and over, but reject it out of hand.

 

So what's your gameplan for recovering your marriage and ending your affair?

[AppleV]

I know! As I said, I just cannot do it.

 

Gameplan:

Speak to OM, tell him A wont be continuing. Dont particiapte in social outings anymore when hes there. tell him that we should avoid each other at work - he does not have to come in if he doesnt have to.

Not sure this is gonna work though, obviously there is going to be SOME contact, even if it is just work related. Will probably just end up quitting. will start looking for a new job in the meantime.

 

Sit down and talk to h, tell him I have been unhappy and that I am aware that he is probably unhappy too. Suggest counselling and then go from there.

Myabe therapy might make me rethink being honest with him about A

[Darth Vader]

I know! As I said, I just cannot do it.

 

Gameplan:

Speak to OM, tell him A wont be continuing. Dont particiapte in social outings anymore when hes there. tell him that we should avoid each other at work - he does not have to come in if he doesnt have to.

Not sure this is gonna work though, obviously there is going to be SOME contact, even if it is just work related. Will probably just end up quitting. will start looking for a new job in the meantime.

 

Sit down and talk to h, tell him I have been unhappy and that I am aware that he is probably unhappy too. Suggest counselling and then go from there.

Myabe therapy might make me rethink being honest with him about A

 

 

Ok, I think I see where you are going. However your hubby may not see what you've been facing. You need to tell your husband why you two need to go to marriage counseling, tell him everything, especially about the part being tempted to ride another man! If that doesn't get his attention, nothing will!

[AppleV]

Why would I want to devestate my H like that? I just wont. Instictively I know it would not be constructive and just make matters worse and both of us miserable, and I just dont want that negativity spilling over into my babys life.

I KNOW I KNOW - How can what Im doing not bring negativity into my babys life already, but Ive decided to end it so thats not going to be an issue anymore.

I know ending it is going to be so hard though.

Tonight, H got home from work I had made him dinner, done his laundry and cleaned the apartment, whilst looking after baby all day. I did not get a thanks or barely a conversation, never mind a kiss hello. I just feel so damned unappreciated and under valued. I dont need a medal or anything, just some acknowledgement would be nice.

Look Im not condoning what I am doing, but its just that nights like this dont really have me crying with guilt ya know? If anything, I feel more remorse towards my baby for what I am doing then I do towards H.

Is this wrong to feel this way sometimes?

And then when H treats me this way I start thinking

'well at least I have OM who wants me and makes me feel good'.

Which is horrible I know, until I think about how deceitful Im being and then I start feeling guilty and **** about the whole thing again.

I feel like Im stuck in a washing machine going round and round and round on the vicious cycle.

[Tripper]

And then when H treats me this way I start thinking

'well at least I have OM who wants me and makes me feel good'.

Which is horrible I know, until I think about how deceitful Im being and then I start feeling guilty and **** about the whole thing again.

I feel like Im stuck in a washing machine going round and round and round on the vicious cycle.

 

And the truth shall set you free....

[Owl]

Why would I want to devestate my H like that?

 

Here's where your failing to make the connection.

 

THIS HAPPENED WHEN YOU CHOSE TO HAVE AN EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO AND ULTIMATELY KISS ANOTHER MAN.

 

Its not a result of your (finally) being honest with your H...its a result of your choice to start the affair to begin with.

 

The sooner you grasp that, the sooner you'll be able to REALLY start recovery on your marriage.

[shakenandstirred]

Your husband cannot read your mind. As much as women want us to, men cannot read minds! Besides a woman's mind is so complex. Sometimes you don't even know what you want. You have to tell your husband that you don't feel appreciated physically and emotionally and that you need something to fill the void. Even though you have already started filling it.

Your husband sounds like a man that thinks a woman should do all the housework and have his dinner ready when he gets home, without knowing all the hardships you had in doing it. I too had to learn to appreciate my wife and not take her for granted, but she let me know. I show her love and affection all the time, because she communicated that to me. Maybe telling your husband that you have began seeking emotional and physical attention elsewhere will snap him out of his frigid daze. It is common that most betrayed men get angry, but then they try to make things better when they realize that their spouse is seeking attention elsewhere. Sometimes they leave. you guys have only been married for a year and a half and look what you are doing. You are already cheating. If you don't start talking and being honest with your husband and he with you, your marriage is going to be a statistic that ends in divorce.

[carhill]

OP, I'll suggest this:

 

Since you have marital issues (irrespective of your infidelity), focus on getting both of you into MC. I sense a good deal of fear behind your words. In MC, you may feel safer to share the details of your A with your H. A skilled therapist can and does create that place for you. Our psychologist has really been helpful to my wife especially, in creating space for me to listen to her, and making her feel safe in communicating honestly with me. The process has also taught me to be a better listener. Worth every nickel....

 

You have a long road. It didn't get this way in a day, and won't get resolved in a day. One step at a time. I think your "gameplan" is a good first step.

 

I disagree with those who feel you can or should "shock" your H into MC by putting the A right in his face. From your story, I see it going completely wrong. JMO....

[BetrayedMM]

You really want to break the cycle, stop going in circles? Do what has been suggested.

 

Your marriage is suffering from a lack of intimacy. Hiding yourself is contributing tremendously to this. You are creating and nurturing distance between you 2 by building a wall and hiding behind it. He may or may not have built a wall himself(weed can make one seem rather distant for instance), but YOU have built one for sure. If you continue adding to that wall brick by brick you will eventually seal him off from you forever.

 

TEAR DOWN THE WALL!

 

BTW, do you actually think you can solve your problems by going to MC and lying or omitting the important things? Come on, you must know that won't work!

[AppleV]

You really want to break the cycle, stop going in circles? Do what has been suggested.

 

Your marriage is suffering from a lack of intimacy. Hiding yourself is contributing tremendously to this. You are creating and nurturing distance between you 2 by building a wall and hiding behind it. He may or may not have built a wall himself(weed can make one seem rather distant for instance), but YOU have built one for sure. If you continue adding to that wall brick by brick you will eventually seal him off from you forever.

 

TEAR DOWN THE WALL!

 

BTW, do you actually think you can solve your problems by going to MC and lying or omitting the important things? Come on, you must know that won't work!

 

Im not totally adverse about being 100% honest with him, Im just totally adverse to doing it NOW.

Maybe after/during MC I can tell him, when we can both understand more about each others feelings, instead of just blurting it out now out of left field for him because he is not really aware of how I am feeling. He does know that I am unhappy, I just dont think he realizes the extent of it. I think he just puts it down to hormones after the baby and all, but its not.

 

Telling him right now would not be the right move. I want him to know the facts of our relationship before I even contemplate telling him about A. I think its important for him to know the reasons BEFORE i tell him, rather then after. Make sense?

 

Anyway,first to the job in hand - Im going to work later, dont even know if I will see OM, dont even know if I will get to talk to him. Havent spoke to him in 4 days, which is unusual. Maybe he will end the A himself??? That would certainly be easier, I cant be tempted then as it would be out of my hands. As much as I hate the thought of being tempted to stay with the A, Im just trying to be honest here.

[carhill]

Good on ya for your honesty. What you're proposing, working with the OM, is exceedingly difficult. You sense your weaknesses. That's a good thing. Try to remember and focus on what you need to do for yourself, and don't consider the OM. Stick to the plan. Your fear may have nothing to do with your H, but rather is something which resides in you. Proper therapy will bring this out so you can examine it and apply it to your M. That's part of those "facts" you're writing about.

 

Remember, one day at a time.... take today and do the best you can