eeyore1980 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 That is good that you can do that but most women are not like this. Women ask what are men supposed to do but when do it they resent us even more because they see it as weak. You know what, I have asked. And asked. And asked. I am still waiting for some man to tell me what it is they are supposed to do. I have seen very specific criteria of all the things women are supposed to do, what is so hard for a man, like yourself, for example, to say specifically what it is you feel you are supposed to do as half of the marriage team? And I just want to say to you, Woggle, I have read several of your posts in different threads, and you seem to have let what happened to you negatively color your view on all women. Do what you want, but there are a lot of good women, and men, out there. If you are comfortable hanging on to your bitterness, you are probably going to meet quite a few of them and let them get away because you don't want to see them for what they are, you just see what you want to see. No one is perfect, not even me, believe it or not:cool:. My husband seems truly sorry for what he has done, not just the affair, but all the other stuff throughout our marriage. He seems to be trying very hard to change, and make up for everything. I wanted a divorce, but now I am willing to try to work this out, at least until I move, because I am moving, whether he does or not. However, if we do split up, I am not giving up on men. I will be more selective next time, but I will not go into a new relationship with the expectation I will be treated like crap and the new guy will cheat on me. No, if I meet someone else, and we fall in love, I will go into it with the expectation we love and cherish each other, and we will each act accordingly. I want to be happy, that's all, and I can't be happy if I live like everyone is out to get me, and I don't think I know anyone else who can, either. Just something to think about.
Pyro Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 That is good that you can do that but most women are not like this. Women ask what are men supposed to do but when do it they resent us even more because they see it as weak. Whatever you say Woggle. There are good and bad of each gender. As far as if the majority is good or bad, I couldn't tell you, nor could you tell me or anyone else.
eeyore1980 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 One of her sons, my ex who is supposed to be paying a whopping $169 a month to help me raise our 14 year old son, is working part time as a school bus driver. I'm lucky when I see a penny. He works under the table as a limo driver, the dirtbag. When our son went out to visit him last summer, at one point during a phone conversation with him he told me there was hardly anything to eat in the house, but then mama came over and gave her son money to buy groceries. He's over 40 years old, and she's still paying his way. Ex-SIL, is that you??? If we don't have the same MIL, they are carbon copies. Congratulations on getting rid of her, I still have to ignore mine and pretend she doesn't exist. Thank God for caller ID!!
Woggle Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Husband and wives should do the same thing for each other. Treat your spouse the way you would want them to treat you. I am with a great woman right now but if this doesn't work out I will probably be a player.
eeyore1980 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Is she a red head who does hair for a living? LOL, well, she is a red head, but she works for the government.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I agree with this I am not convinced men cheat out of boredom either. I really think that most cheat for the same reason women do. Insecurity. Men tend to have a lower level of "neediness" so sometimes I think what those needs are get forgotten. Well, that's why I dumped him, but then you and Cobra went on the warpath, accusing me of being overly demanding. I'm now with a very good guy who treats me as I should be treated. LOL... I think what happened is that we were talking in general terms and you were specifically talking about your own experiences. I apologize if I seemed on the warpath.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Husband and wives should do the same thing for each other. Treat your spouse the way you would want them to treat you. I am with a great woman right now but if this doesn't work out I will probably be a player. Wow Woggle you are such a woman hater, and your view even on your current relationship is so dismal...with that attitude how could you even expect to win? The types of thoughts you entertain in your head and all the doubts you entertain are brought to the forefront in your daily actions, if you let your thoughts take control and mainfest themselves in form of your actions you are self fulfilling your own path of destruction.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Whatever you say Woggle. There are good and bad of each gender. As far as if the majority is good or bad, I couldn't tell you, nor could you tell me or anyone else. Very true! However I would not discount Wog's point here just on that. Even some very good women fall into that trap. Husband and wives should do the same thing for each other. Treat your spouse the way you would want them to treat you. I am with a great woman right now but if this doesn't work out I will probably be a player. Since your different people with perhaps different needs... treat your wife as she wants to be treated. Not as you want yourself to be treated. I don't think you would gain even an ounce of satisfaction being a player. I think for you that would be like becoming the enemy.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I really think that most cheat for the same reason women do. Insecurity. Do you mean low self esteem or insecure about the relationship?
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 There are good and bad of each gender. As far as if the majority is good or bad, I couldn't tell you, nor could you tell me or anyone else. I totally agree with this. People cheat or get involved in affair, primarily for reasons of selfishness (lookie me I'z still a playah, gotz me sum jiggy, jiggy) and personal validation (I'z a bettah woman than that nasty wifey. See, I gotz whut's herz). People who are capable of self-validating, will not cheat or get involved in affairs, as an OW/OM. It's really that simple.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 And while I am on the subject, I will address a different post. It seems a hell of a leap to me to presume because I asked what exactly is it the husband is supposed to do in the marriage means I am just sitting around expecting all my needs met without giving anything in return. You said I missed what the husband is supposed to do, so do me a favor and repeat it for me again, I am still clueless. Sorry it took some time to come back and answer this. I can't give you a list of duties. Every situation is different. Here is what I can tell you I personally believe is the Husbands responsibility. The mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing of each family member. To love your wife with tenderness, to put on her shoes, to understand, to provide, to protect. To promote health and strength, physically, emotionally, socially. To know her, to listen, to honor unselfishly. To both lead and to serve.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Put on her shoes? It's a metaphor. Or it's supposed to be anyway. I guess it depends on what kind of man your looking for.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Actions speak louder than words and in my situation none of what is professed by the masses evern here has been true. Why? Because I chose to follow my own instinct. No doubt actions speak louder than words. Instinct is very selfish. It's a combination of self-protection and biological need. I would hope that people are capable of overriding instinctive needs, using foundations of integrity and morality built, through their childhood and formative years. As for Hollywood, nothing speaks romance, like being involved with a lying, cheater.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 No doubt actions speak louder than words. Instinct is very selfish. It's a combination of self-protection and biological need. I would hope that people are capable of overriding instinctive needs, using foundations of integrity and morality built, through their childhood and formative years. As for Hollywood, nothing speaks romance, like being involved with a lying, cheater. Don't think so much. To negate your intuition is to negate a chance at true happiness.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 (edited) As for Hollywood, nothing speaks romance, like being involved with a lying, cheater. It all depends on what you choose to focus on, that is what reality is the perception you choose to focus on. I think a lot of BS's who are in recovery mode with partners that have proven to come around 110% and who have achieved an even better relationship than they imagined possible, would agree that their reality is what they choose to focus on. If all you see is a lying cheater then that is what you will end up with. Edited April 3, 2008 by sarme
Cobra_X30 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Don't think so much. To negate your intuition is to negate a chance at true happiness. You need to use both! Your brain will save you in the places that your intuition fails. It all depends on what you choose to focus on, that is what reality is the perception you choose to focus on. I think a lot of BS's who are in recovery mode with partners that have proven to come around 110% and who have achieved an even better relationship than they imagined possible, would agree that their reality is what they choose to focus on. If all you see is a lying cheater then that is what you will end up with. The two of you need to not get into this again! TBF has a shield that you do not. I don't see that as good or bad, just different.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 You need to use both! Your brain will save you in the places that your intuition fails. If you are about to cross the street and a speeding car comes ripping around the corner and is going to run you over, do you stop and think and follow your brain or do you follow your intuition? The fact of the matter is thinking would only lead you to death. In that split second you take to think things through you just plummeted into your own doom. So in life people need to think less and listen to their inner voice more. In a lot of cases you do not need both, in fact too much thinking will only prevent you from having what your inner voice is telling you that you should have in order to be well.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Since the brain is the "command control center" of every move a person makes, this analogy doesn't quite work. The thing is, which part of your brain are you thinking with? A left brain thinker will think things through analytically. A right brainer, their emotions. Often, emotional thinkers get themselves in LOTS of trouble not listening to what the left side of their brain is trying to tell them. 'Tis the "duality" of human nature. Balance of both tends to make a balanced individual. I do hope that Hollywood is reading this thread but I doubt it. If you consider the longevity of Hollywood marriages and relationships, no wonder it promotes infidelity. Media will never define who I am and no one else will. I am responsible to/for myself as an adult and how I live my life. I will live my life reliant on foundations of integrity and honour. I can change this, if I wish but why would I want to? I'm happiest in honest relationships.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Since the brain is the "command control center" of every move a person makes, this analogy doesn't quite work. The thing is, which part of your brain are you thinking with? A left brain thinker will think things through analytically. A right brainer, their emotions. Often, emotional thinkers get themselves in LOTS of trouble not listening to what the left side of their brain is trying to tell them. Your right brain only functions on intuition and percetpive sensory, it acts on reflex at 100 times faster than what the left brain assimilates, in fact when a person drives a car for example the left brain completely checks out and the right brain coasts on instinct alone. If you were to function on what the left brain is receiving and processing at the speed it takes it all in and analizes it you would be toast within seconds. The point being that some people use their left brain to the point of neglecting the fucntion of what the right brain is supposed to do. This is why it is very important to be in tune with the core self. If you are not in tune with the core self you will always retard your right brain functionality. Utlimately, too much thinking is your own detriment.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I'm happiest in honest relationships. And honest relationships also could involve a partner saying "I saw a woman on my way home from work that was spectacular, she really had my juices flowing and I would have given anything for just one night with her, one night is all I ask but instead I came home to you" I don't know how many people would adhere to honesty if they were to embrace what "honesty" really is.
Owl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Quote: Originally Posted by Trialbyfire No doubt actions speak louder than words. Instinct is very selfish. It's a combination of self-protection and biological need. I would hope that people are capable of overriding instinctive needs, using foundations of integrity and morality built, through their childhood and formative years. As for Hollywood, nothing speaks romance, like being involved with a lying, cheater. Don't think so much. To negate your intuition is to negate a chance at true happiness. I don't buy this. Instinct and "reaction" would mean that all anyone would do would be to take what they wanted, when they wanted. A man who sees a car he wants would simply walk up and take it. A woman who saw a man she desired would pull him down on the street and go for it. Instincts are NOT, nor should they be...our ruling guidelines. They're great for the "save your butt" moments you cited about the car. They're even good...WHEN MODERATED...on the battlefield. (I'm an ex-combat vet...you don't even want to picture what happens when a group suddenly shuts off reason and starts working 'on instinct'.). They have very little to do with the overall management of our day-to-day living. And they shouldn't. Because our overall interaction with all of those around us REQUIRES the use of our logic and reason. Our ability to maintain any kind of extended society and civilization is completely dependent upon that logic...because it would collapse if we relied solely on intuition and instinct. Often my first instinct when confronted by someone who's hostile and had a bad day would be to kill them...or at least fight. LUCKILY, that instinct is overruled by my logic and reason that tells me that its anti-survival to do so, even though by intuition and instinct tell me that I need to confront and remove my competitor. Sorry...there's a reason why man has a large brain, well-developed logic centers, and a reasonable disconnect from acting on his instinct. Its contrary to living in a large, industrialized society.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Don't think so much. To negate your intuition is to negate a chance at true happiness. Hey Owl, fix your quotes. Sarme said this, not me... I was responsible for these comments: No doubt actions speak louder than words. Instinct is very selfish. It's a combination of self-protection and biological need. I would hope that people are capable of overriding instinctive needs, using foundations of integrity and morality built, through their childhood and formative years. As for Hollywood, nothing speaks romance, like being involved with a lying, cheater.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I don't buy this. Instinct and "reaction" would mean that all anyone would do would be to take what they wanted, when they wanted. A man who sees a car he wants would simply walk up and take it. A woman who saw a man she desired would pull him down on the street and go for it. Instincts are NOT, nor should they be...our ruling guidelines. What you just described is not instinct it is pure need that has been processed and manifested by left brain thinking.
Owl Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 How does that "need/want" reflex differ from instinct? Sorry...from my perspective, instinct is action without logical thought. Its typically defined by what I consider as the three base motivators...fight, f#@k, or flee. Your definition for instinct appears to be different...what do you define as instinct?
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Often my first instinct when confronted by someone who's hostile and had a bad day would be to kill them...or at least fight. LUCKILY, that instinct is overruled by my logic and reason that tells me that its anti-survival to do so, even though by intuition and instinct tell me that I need to confront and remove my competitor. I'm sorry but I have never felt the gut reaction to "kill" someone because they were hostile towards me, my conditioning tells me that killing is wrong but my instinct tells me that a hostile person is to be dealt with accordingly. Whatever the "accordingly" is, is entirely up to each individual.
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