eeyore1980 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Oh you missed it? Here it is... they'll be more inclined to stay with you. And maybe take out the trash. Geez, I really have to wonder why on earth women want to get married so much? Thank you so much for clarifying!! I knew they had to have some part in the whole give and take thing, other than the just taking! I think I was sucked in to the whole marriage thing with false pretenses. Had I been given the wisdom back then I just now learned, I could have just paid the kid next door $5 a week to reliably take out the trash, and saved myself all the aggravation and heartache. Glad to have that straightened out....:laugh::laugh:
Woggle Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 There are too many women who are incapable of having anything but a combative relationship with a man and this thread shows it. All men don't cheat but if a man is with a nag who is intolerable to be around can you really blame him for seeking affection elsewhere. Do you think men sign up for a nagging witch when they say I do?
twice_shy Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I went to a movie with my H this weekend. In the movie there were scenes of strip clubs, beautiful topless escorts in garter belts cavorting about. One of the main themes of the movie was an affair between a married family man and his temptress mistress who he used to date before he got married. So his wife finds out, and in the end his slim sexy mistress with long flowing locks, gives him a longful look, takes his face in her hands, kisses him and says "it was always you" as she exists all glamorous like, which the wife stands over there by herself, looking awkward in her little yellow dress and pinned up hairdo, only too grateful and eager to take him back when he walks over to her. The long suffering, polly purebread wife who lives her life entirely for her children and husband. It made me so ill I walked out before it was completely over. Whores and mistresses are painted as so sexy and desirable while their wives are these things in the background concerned only with children and living their lives for their husbands, lumped into the thing those married men call "my family". It's disheartening. I feel like men are forever panting after and glorifyling loose, easy sluts, Not me. They make me want to vomit. and while viewing their wives as something stable and secure. But to me that is sexy!! Someone who is beautiful and only has eyes for me and is faithful. Aint nothing in the world I wouldn't do for a woman like that. Uh oh, but then I'd be a nice guy and thats a death kiss. Looks like I'm doomed unless I become a playa.
Milan721 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 If that's how you think of your H... why are you with him anyway? Sorry for the bitterness. I'm getting a little caught up in the issue of monogamy and men's "needs". I can't speak for OP, but I think I can relate to some of what she might be feeling. I don't think it's just about a movie. Some wives find themselves in a position where they've put everything on the line for the man they love - out of love and yet still have to contend with these "needs". Some of us have gladly given our bodies over to having children. Some have gladly learned to cook favorite meals, cleaned urine from bathroom floors, endured being vomited on, taken care of the finances, been a sounding board for problems at work or perhaps had careers of our own. Some of us have even kept up with our end of the deal in terms of being a "freak in the sheets". And yet, in the end, we still have to accept that no matter what we do we will eventually become the ordinary and the every-day. We will not be exciting. We will not be new. We will not stroke our man's ego in ways that only another woman can. We just have to hope that the man we married really meant "for better or worse" and not "for better or until you get fat or something younger and better comes along".
twice_shy Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 That's where you're wrong.... they don't have to lie to me.. it's the opposite.... They only have to lie to the women that won't give it up like the victim of a gun robbery.
twice_shy Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 The more blatant sense of entitlement comes from the wives usually. . Funny, I don't get that impression from YOUR posts. Sounds like your wife has to give it up on demand, otherwise you'll get it elsewhere.
Milan721 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 There are too many women who are incapable of having anything but a combative relationship with a man and this thread shows it. All men don't cheat but if a man is with a nag who is intolerable to be around can you really blame him for seeking affection elsewhere. Do you think men sign up for a nagging witch when they say I do? Who said anyone was nagging? Is the need to have your husband not engage in affairs nagging? This reminds me of a friend of mine who recently separated from her husband. If you ask any of his friends, it was because she was a nag. If you ask her, it was because several years ago he had cheated on her with an ex. He begged her to stay but did nothing to prove he wouldn't do it again. Her "nagging" was actually her saying, "Why do you need to hide who you're talking to on the phone if it's 'no one'?" or "How come you come home in the middle of the night when your job was done many hours ago." You know nag, nag, nag.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Let me see if I have this straight. If I want a relationship where I don't have to constantly subjugate my needs in favor of his, then I am wanting someone to fight with, is that what you are saying? Where exactly did I say anyone was out to get me? I have said over and over I think men like that are definitely in the minority. I love men, I think they are great. It is not I who is throwing out the statements about men having little to no self restraint, acting like what they have in their pants dictates the way they treat others, like this is standard male behavior. This is not standard male behavior. Most men who get married love their wives, and are capable of treating their wives with respect, and caring about their wives needs, usually without having to even give it a lot of thought. That is called character. As far as lesbians, you are the one who said if you 'wanted someone who acted like a man', (and that would be yours and sarme's definitions of how men act, not mine) and I was pointing out apparently lesbians are on the same page as you, they don't want someone who acts as you feel men act, that's why they go for women, too. Seriously, why would anyone deliberately want someone like that? And while I am on the subject, I will address a different post. It seems a hell of a leap to me to presume because I asked what exactly is it the husband is supposed to do in the marriage means I am just sitting around expecting all my needs met without giving anything in return. You said I missed what the husband is supposed to do, so do me a favor and repeat it for me again, I am still clueless. Don't get me wrong. I understand where your coming from. I just believe that you should shift your thinking a little. See, this isn't about subjugating yourself or your needs. It's not about enslaving yourself or trying to be some stepford wife. It's about recognizing the obvious differences between men and women that create natural strengths and weaknesses. When you start thinking equal = same that's when you start getting into trouble. Within a relationship we should all play to our strengths instead of trying to do it all. So, to answer your question about what a man is supposed to do. It depends on you. It depends on what you need, what you want and what your both good at. It's a vague answer, because it's something you need to work out together. Not in the spirit of "what can I make him do"... but instead think "what can we do for each other." I suppose that doesn't sound realistic. A relationship where you try to serve one another. But don't you think that is something worth trying for?
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Haha...to the phrase catering... No one needs to cater to anyone. What people should do, is to work towards fueling and improving marriages and relationships. Once individual unhealthy needs, start trumping marriages and relationships, this is when it all goes down the chute. Me first, above all. A woman can cater to her man, if she's a subservient personality. I'd rather spoil my man, because I love him. Oh, and Hollywood can eat my dust, in reference to glorifying affairs.
eeyore1980 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 There are too many women who are incapable of having anything but a combative relationship with a man and this thread shows it. All men don't cheat but if a man is with a nag who is intolerable to be around can you really blame him for seeking affection elsewhere. Do you think men sign up for a nagging witch when they say I do? This thread is mostly made up of women who have been cheated on by their husbands, what do you expect? Do you think women sign up as second class citizens when they say I do? I've seen a lot of threads with men complaining about how after they got married the sex life has gone downhill. In real life, it seems it is more like the sex life goes downhill after kids get put in the mix. Children are a lot of work, and again, in real life, it seems like a woman's life is changed a lot more than a man's when there are children. And I know this is a hard concept, but try to picture it. A woman's PHYSICAL body is changed during pregnancy and having a child. Hormone levels change drastically, there is loss of sleep to deal with, all these have physical impacts on a woman. Throw in breastfeeding, and you have even more. Yes, I can blame him. If his wife is an intolerable nag, why would he want to go out and 'seek affection elsewhere' and still keep intolerable nag wife around? Why not try to work it out, and if that fails, he should drop the intolerable nag, who is, after all, intolerable, and take his chances on finding someone else who is more of what he wants. Why do you think it is ok, for a man or a woman, either one, to sneak around and lie and cheat? Is there some kind of entitlement to get all your ducks in a row and find someone better before you dump the unknowing and unsuspecting spouse? Why not give them a fair chance as well? Shouldn't both parties of the marriage know at the same time the marriage is over? It's a contract, just like any other. If I was in a contract with you to sell my house, but all the while was looking for a better offer behind your back, found one, and at the closing said, sorry, I got offered more money, adios, you would cry foul, and you would probably sue me. I don't see any difference here.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Sorry for the bitterness. I'm getting a little caught up in the issue of monogamy and men's "needs". I can't speak for OP, but I think I can relate to some of what she might be feeling. I don't think it's just about a movie. Some wives find themselves in a position where they've put everything on the line for the man they love - out of love and yet still have to contend with these "needs". Some of us have gladly given our bodies over to having children. Some have gladly learned to cook favorite meals, cleaned urine from bathroom floors, endured being vomited on, taken care of the finances, been a sounding board for problems at work or perhaps had careers of our own. Some of us have even kept up with our end of the deal in terms of being a "freak in the sheets". And yet, in the end, we still have to accept that no matter what we do we will eventually become the ordinary and the every-day. We will not be exciting. We will not be new. We will not stroke our man's ego in ways that only another woman can. We just have to hope that the man we married really meant "for better or worse" and not "for better or until you get fat or something younger and better comes along". I don't know many guys who cheat because they get bored. I'd say that's fairly rare. I know more married guys who live like monks instead. Who take second or third place to kids, careers, or pets. Maybe that's just my generation though. Hey, there are a good chunk of guys who are worthless D-bags. They cheat because they think that they won't get caught. Maybe your H is one of those. We are certainly not all like that. So, if you want that truelly decent guy... take some time and figure out why he wasn't attractive to you in the first place. If you think it's biology that men are promiscuous... I can prove you wrong.
eeyore1980 Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Don't get me wrong. I understand where your coming from. I just believe that you should shift your thinking a little. See, this isn't about subjugating yourself or your needs. It's not about enslaving yourself or trying to be some stepford wife. It's about recognizing the obvious differences between men and women that create natural strengths and weaknesses. When you start thinking equal = same that's when you start getting into trouble. Within a relationship we should all play to our strengths instead of trying to do it all. So, to answer your question about what a man is supposed to do. It depends on you. It depends on what you need, what you want and what your both good at. It's a vague answer, because it's something you need to work out together. Not in the spirit of "what can I make him do"... but instead think "what can we do for each other." I suppose that doesn't sound realistic. A relationship where you try to serve one another. But don't you think that is something worth trying for? I can see you haven't read what happened to me that landed me here. I did those things. I assumed, incorrectly, that it was going to be an equal give and take situation. Unfortunately, I was doing all the giving, and he was doing all the taking. After 22 years of marriage, I got fed up, and stopped giving. I decided it was his turn, and if he wanted from me, he needed to start giving some first. Again, after 22 years. He spent the next approximately 2 months feeling neglected, and then started having an affair. I have never had a spirit of "what can I make him do", no, for 22 years I assumed, mistakenly, that he would want to do for me out of the same feelings of love that were why I was wanting to do for him. This has made me cynical towards him, and men who come across like him, but certainly not men in general. I think most men are fantastic, and I wish a few of those men would join this thread and comment on what they feel are their responsibilities towards their wives, and what they feel they should do to keep their marriage good and strong. My husband was basically a spoiled rotten brat, and after this all came out, and I told him to get the hell out and stay out, he finally, at this point after 23 years of marriage, realized just exactly what he was giving up. You know what they say, you don't know what you had until it is gone. Anyway, it seems like some people, including you, are of the mind that women are the sole keepers of the marriage, and are pretty much the only ones responsible for if it fails or succeeds. I disagree. I think there are two people in the marriage, and both of them, in their own way, have just as much responsibility for keeping the marriage strong and good. I may be a broken record, but I will say it again anyway, it takes 2 people to make a marriage, but it only takes one to destroy it.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 (edited) Sometimes what men want and what women THINK they want are two completely different things. I keep seeing women say things like "I gave it my all I was the best cook, and always did all the cleaning after him and took care of our children and made sure nothing was ever missing and that our house was impecable as well as had sex with him as many times a week as he wants" while all the while missing that sometimes a guy could care less about how good you cook for him yeah he likes it he is not going to turn it away and yeah he really likes coming home to a clean pad but if in exchange it means having to put up with a cranky tired and let go version of what he once married, who complains about how he bought green peppers instead of red peppers and now "how will the dinner EVER ever be right with his f-up because he can NEVER do anything right", I think any man would prefer to come home to a sloppy home and take out and nice version of the wife instead anyday. Or he may like it if she showed him that she was sexually arroused by him for a change and surprised him with some sexual little treat as to let him know she was thinking about him...why should he always take the initiative? Feeding into his sex needs is not exactly awakening his sexual desire, it is just giving in to his urge because you know you have to. The thing is that many couples think they are meeting each other's needs in a marriage and the point is they are not. A man just wants to feel appreciated by what he does and not constantly nagged by what he doesn't. In terms of the woman feeling appreciated she needs to learn what he wants and then try to give him that so that he can actually show appreciation. If he does not appreciate you slaving on the stove for him every night WHY IN THE WORLD do you do it? Do a dumbed down version of a meal and make sure your children are well fed and you are all eating healthy and that's that. No more slaving over a meal which he cares for either way. It will leave you with more energy for yoruself and for the things he would like to do with you. You see women have so much more control in this than they care to see, when you give yourself the importance that you deserve you will not be disappointed when he doesn't see what you do for him, because if he is not appreciating what you are doing chances are he can do without it. You will be happier because you won't feel like you are giving so much for nothing and he won't have to hear you nag about being unappreciated, or whatever other scapegoat topic you choose to nag about when he first walks in the door after a long day at work. Men just want to be understood and so do women but before you go saying you GIVE EVERYTHING to him find out if the everything you are giving is indeed what he really wants. If you play your cards right and your man sees that you actually care about him and understand him I guarantee you won't have to ask for anything from him, he will want to make you happy. But it has to start somewhere. If you stay in the tit for tat mode it will never happen. Why do women have to take the initiative because whatever it is that is happening as is is not working so for your own happiness and for the sake of the health of your marriage it is definitely worth a try. I don't understand why people always look for validation in order to give, if you are with someone to whom you give all the time to and you honestly truly give without thinking about why you do it or expecting anything in return and they just don't come through then it's in your every right to find a partner who will appreciate you. But first you have to try to give expecting little return. It's rare that people especially women do this for their men, because we women always want something in return. Edited April 3, 2008 by sarme
Mustang Sally Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I can see you haven't read what happened to me that landed me here. I did those things. I assumed, incorrectly, that it was going to be an equal give and take situation. Unfortunately, I was doing all the giving, and he was doing all the taking. After 22 years of marriage, I got fed up, and stopped giving. I decided it was his turn, and if he wanted from me, he needed to start giving some first. Again, after 22 years. He spent the next approximately 2 months feeling neglected, and then started having an affair. I have never had a spirit of "what can I make him do", no, for 22 years I assumed, mistakenly, that he would want to do for me out of the same feelings of love that were why I was wanting to do for him. This has made me cynical towards him, and men who come across like him, but certainly not men in general. I think most men are fantastic, and I wish a few of those men would join this thread and comment on what they feel are their responsibilities towards their wives, and what they feel they should do to keep their marriage good and strong. My husband was basically a spoiled rotten brat, and after this all came out, and I told him to get the hell out and stay out, he finally, at this point after 23 years of marriage, realized just exactly what he was giving up. You know what they say, you don't know what you had until it is gone. Anyway, it seems like some people, including you, are of the mind that women are the sole keepers of the marriage, and are pretty much the only ones responsible for if it fails or succeeds. I disagree. I think there are two people in the marriage, and both of them, in their own way, have just as much responsibility for keeping the marriage strong and good. I may be a broken record, but I will say it again anyway, it takes 2 people to make a marriage, but it only takes one to destroy it. So...you are saying that it took you 22 years to figure out that you were the one who had done all the giving and he was a spoiled rotten brat and you deserved better? I can understand having negative feelings towards the guy, but.... Where was your self-esteem during that time? I dunno. I think it best to consider it "Lesson Learned." and move on to bigger and better things (men? ). However, I do also understand the need to process it by discussing it here. I think the general lesson to be had for all from the points on this thread is that if you are in a LTR/marriage and your SO is not considerate of making it a mutally satisfying coupling (and I mean that in more ways than sexual), you owe it to yourself to bring light to the situation and then it must be attended to by both. If it is NOT addressed in this fashion, then you should consider that you are married to a person who is NOT going to do much besides take you for granted and then you have a decision to make: Are you going to put up with that? Or not? And then be prepared to deal with the consequences of that decision. If your SO refuses to meet you at the table, to at least discuss the issue(s), then I think you have been given more than FAIR WARNING that you are probably not in a relationship with someone who values you enough to sustain a LTR/marriage. Again I say. You cannot control how any other person acts/thinks. But you CAN control how YOU act/think. Therefore, this is the substrate that you must work with to manipulate (if you will) situations to get the resolution that you desire. You can't go around being angry at Hollywood, or society, or the neighbor's dog (well, you can....but what is productive about this kind of approach to life?) if you have not done what YOU can do to attend to situations that have become displeasing to you? I realize this is a dramatic frame-shift for some folks. But at least give it a THOUGHT. You know? It might be that some "New Attitude" is what is really called for.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I don't know many guys who cheat because they get bored. I'd say that's fairly rare. I know more married guys who live like monks instead. Who take second or third place to kids, careers, or pets. Maybe that's just my generation though. Hey, there are a good chunk of guys who are worthless D-bags. They cheat because they think that they won't get caught. Maybe your H is one of those. We are certainly not all like that. So, if you want that truelly decent guy... take some time and figure out why he wasn't attractive to you in the first place. If you think it's biology that men are promiscuous... I can prove you wrong. I agree with this I am not convinced men cheat out of boredom either.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 So...you are saying that it took you 22 years to figure out that you were the one who had done all the giving and he was a spoiled rotten brat and you deserved better? I can understand having negative feelings towards the guy, but.... Where was your self-esteem during that time? I dunno. I think it best to consider it "Lesson Learned." and move on to bigger and better things (men? ). However, I do also understand the need to process it by discussing it here. I think the general lesson to be had for all from the points on this thread is that if you are in a LTR/marriage and your SO is not considerate of making it a mutally satisfying coupling (and I mean that in more ways than sexual), you owe it to yourself to bring light to the situation and then it must be attended to by both. If it is NOT addressed in this fashion, then you should consider that you are married to a person who is NOT going to do much besides take you for granted and then you have a decision to make: Are you going to put up with that? Or not? And then be prepared to deal with the consequences of that decision. If your SO refuses to meet you at the table, to at least discuss the issue(s), then I think you have been given more than FAIR WARNING that you are probably not in a relationship with someone who values you enough to sustain a LTR/marriage. Again I say. You cannot control how any other person acts/thinks. But you CAN control how YOU act/think. Therefore, this is the substrate that you must work with to manipulate (if you will) situations to get the resolution that you desire. You can't go around being angry at Hollywood, or society, or the neighbor's dog (well, you can....but what is productive about this kind of approach to life?) if you have not done what YOU can do to attend to situations that have become displeasing to you? I realize this is a dramatic frame-shift for some folks. But at least give it a THOUGHT. You know? It might be that some "New Attitude" is what is really called for. Ok you totally get what I have been expressing!!
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 But to me that is sexy!! Someone who is beautiful and only has eyes for me and is faithful. Aint nothing in the world I wouldn't do for a woman like that. . I'm sorry but that is completely unrealistic, people can have "eyes" for others but that doesn't mean they love or crave or desire their partners any less it just means they are normal human beings. I find it really strange when people make comments like that, "why can't my guy only look at me" or "why does he have to admire pretty scantly clad women on the big screen" "or why does she have to comment about X actor being good looking" because beauty is form, sexuality is awaken by our senses and part of that comes through the sense of sight. So why would we expect our mates to not have any form of sexual awakening outside of the parameters of what they see when they look at us? It is ludicris... Again I think it boils down to working on ourselves if we are at peace within very few things can break us, especially not a beautiful half naked woman on the screen.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Anyway, it seems like some people, including you, are of the mind that women are the sole keepers of the marriage, and are pretty much the only ones responsible for if it fails or succeeds. I disagree. I think there are two people in the marriage, and both of them, in their own way, have just as much responsibility for keeping the marriage strong and good. I may be a broken record, but I will say it again anyway, it takes 2 people to make a marriage, but it only takes one to destroy it. I feel for you! I've been in relationships like that before. It takes two people working their tails off to make a marriage succeed, and anyone who tells you different is a liar. I don't have to tell you that your H is a fool, and a jerk. Do you think that you did wrong by trying so hard? I don't believe you should regret even a single drop of sweat you put into your marriage. It proves what a wonderful person you are, and a good wife. His lack of appreciation shows what kind of person he is. I work hard in relationships... when I don't feel my partner putting in a decent effort I know what kind of person they are. An important lesson to learn.
Woggle Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Everything I could want from a woman boils down to don't betray me and don't be an intolerable nag. If most women would manage that there would be a whole lot more happier marriages.
eeyore1980 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 So...you are saying that it took you 22 years to figure out that you were the one who had done all the giving and he was a spoiled rotten brat and you deserved better? I can understand having negative feelings towards the guy, but.... Where was your self-esteem during that time? I agree with you completely. You ask where was my self-esteem? Beaten into the ground. I came from a good home until I was 13 and my dad went completely insane. He physically, verbally and emotionally abused my mom, my brothers, and me. My brothers were older, they moved out, that left me and my mom. I deflected all the physical abuse, and most of the verbal and emotional to myself, to protect my mom. At that time the cops wouldn't do anything, so I moved out at 17 with the police in my home while I packed my stuff. That was when I gave up on my mom, too. I could understand her not protecting me when it was going on, but when I finally broke down and called the police, she lied for him. (They knew she was lying, I had the marks, lots of them, to prove it...) My brothers both knew damn good and well what was going on, but they escaped, and they didn't lift a finger to help me. Why do you think I ended up with someone who would treat me like that? At that time, I didn't think I deserved any better. So the 22 years were a healing process, getting my head on straight, convincing myself I wasn't paying for some horrible thing I did in a past life, etc. In spite of my husband. To the post about doing everything and maybe it wasn't what he really wanted, I would say, look what happened after 2 months without it, he cheated. As far as keeping the house spotless, :lmao::lmao:!! That was my major failing. My brain doesn't seem to be wired that way, which is why I wanted to work so bad, I have no skills at keeping house. When my house would reach pigsty status, I would call a friend. They would come over and basically give me step by step instructions, and also keep me on track, just so I could get the house halfway decent. I used to feel bad about it, but I don't anymore. I am exceptionally talented at a lot of things that are very difficult, so I take it as a trade-off. Anyway, I'm not talking about these little things. I gave up what would have been a very lucrative career to support my husband in what he wanted to do, which made enough money we lived like peasants and qualified for reduced lunches at school. When all my kids were in school, I gave up a promotion and raise at my job, again to support his stupid ass 'career', because I would have had to work nights. I wanted to move away, he spent 3 years leading me on, talking about it, making compromises, etc., until it came to a head and it turned out he was lying, and never had any intention of moving from day one. I could go on and on. I got over the rest, the move I didn't, I won't, and as soon as my last child is out of school, 2 more years, I am so out of here.
Woggle Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I would like to know where all these women who go out of their way to treat a man well are because most of the men I know go out of their way to bend over backwards for their wives only to be hit with resentment and disdain. I know in my first I did everything in my power to make her happy and it still wasn't enough
eeyore1980 Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I felt bad for her when she watched her mother's mind disintigrate via Alzheimer's. However, she lives for the adoration of her sons, and that she has in spades because of the way she cowtows to them. So, no. She's enjoying the bed she's made. If she feels she has to sacrifice all of her wants and needs to simply have her sons love her, then that is her choice. It's sad, but still her choice. I hear ya. I don't get along with my MIL, but her MO is more to buy people off. Then she owns them and can twist them to her will, (evil laugh here). She doesn't like me because I can't be bought, I never wanted or took her money, neither did hubby, so she can't control us. Now she is starting to feel the backlash, because she'll be 70 this year, and has labored under the assumption she was going to retire and they would take care of her back, ha! I lost track a while back, but I know she is still halfway supporting one son, and she is probably giving money off and on to the other one and her sister still. My husband and I are the only ones in any position to support her, but she burned that bridge some time ago, so I guess she will have to keep working until they throw dirt in her face. I'm like you, I feel bad for her, but she did this to herself.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Now, see. That's me right there! I strive to make my man feel loved. I do what I can to ease his burdens, make love to him with all the skill and passion I have, and would NEVER allow any of my family or friends to disrespect him. However, and silly me for saying so , I expect the same in return. Well if you aren't getting what you are giving the choice is always yours, you can stay and continue to get the short end of the stick or you can get out, but the choice IS yours. The thing is people want to stay in a relationship that is less than satisfactory to them and no matter how hard they try they just don't get what they should in return so question is where is your self love, why in the world do you settle for less than you are worth? Again, the choice to be a victim to circumstance is always our own.
Woggle Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Right here, baby! I'm good at the paperwork drill. Therefore, I always offer to do taxes, etc. for my guy (even did them for his son). I also noticed he had some lost money (over $750) from an old insurance policy, and I did up the paperwork for that for him. I'm also a good cook, so in addition to normal everyday cooking, I always bring a big platter of Xmas cookies to his work and also to the family Xmas party his folks always have. When he needed help from a lawyer friend of mine on an issue, I baked my friend a pie in partial return for the assistance. I also work a full time job, so doing this extra stuff in my spare time is a burden, but I bear it willingly because I know I'm making my sweety's life better. He's so not the type to want me to play dressup. He would think I was ready for the loony bin if I did something like that - not that I wouldn't if he liked that sort of thing, 'cause I'm no prude for sure, but I know him. He just wants crazy monkey love, and that's what he gets. I build him up to family and friends. I tell him often all the good things about him that I love. He's a good man, and he deserves to know that he makes me proud every day. That is good that you can do that but most women are not like this. Women ask what are men supposed to do but when do it they resent us even more because they see it as weak.
sarme Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Well, that's why I dumped him, but then you and Cobra went on the warpath, accusing me of being overly demanding. I'm now with a very good guy who treats me as I should be treated. No, we didn't accuse you of being overly demanding!?!? sorry if my posts seemed only directed at you. I make comments working with the ideas of individual posts but my comments are more general they are by no means meant to zone in on you specifically Sameoldcrap. That's awesome!! I am so happy you managed to see the light and got yourself what you deserved. I am truly happy for you, I think any person can do what is best for them if they have the willpower to do so, but sitting infront of a wall and banging your head against it a million times expecting it not to hurt or the bleeding to stop is not smart by any means and a lot of people do exactly that. For example this thread topic was about a BS who went to see a movie that brought back a lot of unresolved feelings regarding the affair her H had on her so if she truly feels like some slouch in the background in terms of how her husband relates to her, then maybe it's time to rethink why she is staying in that marriage. Maybe that relationship has truly ran its course and she would be better off finding a man who can value her for the main squeeze that she is not for some second rate comfort blanket as a plan B. But then there is the idea that maybe the man in question really is doing everything in his power to make things better, maybe he really is doing what he can to regain his Ws trust and is doing things to make her feel special again and she can't see all the good for fixating on past bad. So the questionis: is she really some slouch in the background or is that what she FEELS due to his past affair? At some point a person needs to determine that and help their own happiness along.
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