twice_shy Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Excuse me, but where in my post does it say I'm picky? It doesn't. It was an example of someone being put out by my so-called indecisivness based on an experience I had. And you can't pick a darn thing if an option is out there. huh?
Author dreamergrl Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 It doesn't. It was an example of someone being put out by my so-called indecisivness based on an experience I had. huh? My bad - I took your post in a different way then it was meant. My apologies. So I re-read it, are you suggesting he's indecisive because of past experiences prior to me?
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 I'm sure he does like you and does enjoy your company but it doesn't seem like he wans a relationship with you. Hey everyone! I wanted to give an update to the thread I had started previously on this. It was REALLY long - so I thought I'd start a new one. I had spent part of Easter weekend with this guy, and I tried to get him more involved in what we did. But it was the same "whatever you want to do" which is kind of frustrating me now. I really wish he'd take charge a little more! He says whatever I choose is fine, but I don't like it being all about me. He's still affectionate and all which I love. I enjoy his company, and always have a nice time. We talk here and there through out the week, but I feel like I'm starting the conversation most of the time now. I know that could come off as the "he's just not that into" but he does show his interests, but it just seems like the things we do, when we talk, all the choices are up to me. I want say it's almost routine, but not quite. I'm at lost where to go with this! I want to keep seeing him, but this passive thing is getting old.
twice_shy Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 My bad - I took your post in a different way then it was meant. My apologies. So I re-read it, are you suggesting he's indecisive because of past experiences prior to me? No, but the indecisiveness could be that he genuinly doesn't care and is up for anything and it may not be a matter of an overly nice guy trying to please you no matter what. When I tell someone I don't care where we eat and tell them to pick anything, I'm not being an ass kisser, I TRULY don't care where I eat since I eat anything and everything.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 No, but the indecisiveness could be that he genuinly doesn't care and is up for anything and it may not be a matter of an overly nice guy trying to please you no matter what. When I tell someone I don't care where we eat and tell them to pick anything, I'm not being an ass kisser, I TRULY don't care where I eat since I eat anything and everything. Surely at some point he'd want to pick something we do, not just the restaurant we eat at.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 I'm sure he does like you and does enjoy your company but it doesn't seem like he wans a relationship with you. I'm sure I didn't asked if he wanted a relationship with me. Did you bother to read the post?
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 If you don't want a relationship with him, then why are you upset over this? He's not your boyfriend, you don't have a relationship with him, so why would it bother you that he doesn't want to call you or spend time with you?
Cobra_X30 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I'm sure I didn't asked if he wanted a relationship with me. Did you bother to read the post? Give it some time. This guy just seems way laid back and easy going. Yeah, it's kinda irritating at times, but I'd bet it wears off over time. How is he in other aspects of his life? Is he driven and motivated careerwise? Lots of times guys who just don't desire a lot tend to settle for dead end careers. That would be my main worry if I were in your shoes. I mean in your place... I would be stoked... shoot, you get to do what you want every time. Doesn't sound so bad to put up with. Especially when you consider half the guys out there are abusive control freaks.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 Give it some time. This guy just seems way laid back and easy going. Yeah, it's kinda irritating at times, but I'd bet it wears off over time. How is he in other aspects of his life? Is he driven and motivated careerwise? Lots of times guys who just don't desire a lot tend to settle for dead end careers. That would be my main worry if I were in your shoes. I mean in your place... I would be stoked... shoot, you get to do what you want every time. Doesn't sound so bad to put up with. Especially when you consider half the guys out there are abusive control freaks. Well from what I've gathered so far, he's driven like he wants to set up a good life for himself - but he does it more so trying to play with stocks then his normal job. He does have a 5 year plan set up for himself. I was stoked at first... but now I feel like everything is on me. I don't like it being all about me - that's not how relationships work.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Well from what I've gathered so far, he's driven like he wants to set up a good life for himself - but he does it more so trying to play with stocks then his normal job. He does have a 5 year plan set up for himself. I was stoked at first... but now I feel like everything is on me. I don't like it being all about me - that's not how relationships work. Hmmm.... stocks can be a great way to make money. But you have to have money to invest first. See 90% of my worry where I in your shoes would be that he doesn't have ambition. I have not read your entire thread here... have you tried pushing this back on him? If it were me... I'd tell him. "Stop being a lazy jerk and make a plan for something fun, I don't even care much what it is. I will not even talk to you until you have something solid... capiche?" Anyway, when you run into a behavior you don't like, with someone who is quality... it's best to work with them on it rather than throw in the towel. I've been the "throw in the towel" type for a long time. It's not good.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 Hmmm.... stocks can be a great way to make money. But you have to have money to invest first. See 90% of my worry where I in your shoes would be that he doesn't have ambition. I have not read your entire thread here... have you tried pushing this back on him? If it were me... I'd tell him. "Stop being a lazy jerk and make a plan for something fun, I don't even care much what it is. I will not even talk to you until you have something solid... capiche?" Anyway, when you run into a behavior you don't like, with someone who is quality... it's best to work with them on it rather than throw in the towel. I've been the "throw in the towel" type for a long time. It's not good. Well I was going to talk with him about it this weekend, but he said we'll have to get together next weekend. Trust me, I've been trying to work with him on it - but it's going right over his head. We'll see what happens for next weekend, if we don't do something then, I'm gonna have to talk with him over the phone or something.
Stockalone Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Lots of times guys who just don't desire a lot tend to settle for dead end careers. That would be my main worry if I were in your shoes. See 90% of my worry where I in your shoes would be that he doesn't have ambition. I hope dreamergrl will forgive me for going OT but I have to ask. What do you mean with dead end careers? It almost sounds like being unambitious will lead to poverty and doom. Or is it that being unambitious is always a horrible vice, no matter on what level it occurs? I am curious because I would call myself a minimalist and I have often been told that I lack ambition. Besides sports, I basically never showed much ambition. Edited April 4, 2008 by Stockalone
carhill Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 ambition: 1 a: an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power b: desire to achieve a particular end 2: the object of ambition <her ambition is to start her own business> 3: a desire for activity or exertion <felt sick and had no ambition> I'd say, if you spent the rest of your life working to feed the hungry in Africa, you'd be ambitious. If you climbed Mt. Everest, you'd be ambitious. If you volunteered to spend time with old people at a nursing home, you'd be ambitious. Don't let society tell you what ambitious is. They really don't care about you.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 I hope dreamergrl will forgive me for going OT but I have to ask. What do you mean with dead end careers? It almost sounds like being unambitious will lead to poverty and doom. Or is it that being unambitious is always a horrible vice, no matter on what level it occurs? I am curious because I would call myself a minimalist and I have often been told that I lack ambition. Besides sports, I basically never showed much ambition. How dare you for going OT jk Actually I think there's a point for some people where they are happy with what they have and where they are at, and don't feel to push themselves further. Others continue to strive for bigger and better. Myself, I like to keep pushing - but I don't think I will stay that way - there's just a point that I want to get to. With this guy, he does the stock trading thing on the side, with his brother, and they hope to eventually be able to take the proceeds and start investing in real estate.
Stockalone Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Don't let society tell you what ambitious is. They really don't care about you. Don't worry, the last thing I seek is the approval of society. I was merely curious to know if people think that being unambitious will prevent someone from reaching any goals whatsoever. For example, friends of mine worked very hard to get their Ph. D., I on the other hand was always happy with getting solid grades without overworking myself and leaving university with a masters degree. Sure, they now make 100k a year, while I make half of that but I am happy with my life and wouldn't want to trade with them. Edited April 4, 2008 by Stockalone
carhill Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 If you're considering equating degrees and money with ambition, I hear society talking Think about it. Where did that comparison come from?
Stockalone Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Think about it. Where did that comparison come from? From my last gf who left when she finally understood that I will never be as ambitious as she thought I should be. Edited April 4, 2008 by Stockalone
carhill Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Nirvana. You have reached conclusion. Last GF not compatible
Cobra_X30 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 How dare you for going OT jk Actually I think there's a point for some people where they are happy with what they have and where they are at, and don't feel to push themselves further. Others continue to strive for bigger and better. Myself, I like to keep pushing - but I don't think I will stay that way - there's just a point that I want to get to. With this guy, he does the stock trading thing on the side, with his brother, and they hope to eventually be able to take the proceeds and start investing in real estate. Well, if that's good enough for you, then no worries. Don't worry, the last thing I seek is the approval of society. I was merely curious to know if people think that being unambitious will prevent someone from reaching any goals whatsoever. For example, friends of mine worked very hard to get their Ph. D., I on the other hand was always happy with getting solid grades without overworking myself and leaving university with a masters degree. Sure, they now make 100k a year, while I make half of that but I am happy with my life and wouldn't want to trade with them. First... I would say that you are ambitious... because you found a job you like and continue to work hard at it. By dead end, I was referencing first a job that they do not like, and secondary to that one which offers no opportunity for advancement. Now... you need to find a woman who also is a minimalist.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Well to sum this up short.. He was suppose to let me know Friday if we'd be do anything on Saturday... he didn't. I talked to him online Saturday nite (neither of us like talking on the phone), and since I didn't know when I'd be seeing him next - I decided to talk to him about the being overly passive thing. Basically I when I brought it up, he just kind of bypassed it. Didn't want to talk about it. He then said I seemed a bit frustrated or angry. I wasn't angry, but frustrated yes. So again, I told him that I'd like for him to make more choices when it came to what we wanted to do when we spent time together. I told him that I liked spending time with him, and that I'd like to continue to do so, but I'd like for him to voice what he wanted more. I let him know that I felt like the choices were always on me - and it was too much. He didn't like that very much. Said he didn't want to argue about it (I didn't feel I was arguing, and I was quite nice about it). He then told me that he didn't voice what he wanted to do because he couldn't. He said that his funds where low. Now may I add, I've offered to treat, mentioned a while back that we could go to the local zoo (which is free) . He has told me that the girl shouldn't pay (which I don't mind sharing that responsability and have told him just that). So I got the feeling he was making excuses when he got put on the spot. I was nothing but nice about it, and he got mad, told me "I'm done" and logged off. So I'm assuming it's over. The main reason I think he was just coming up with excuses is because I've offered to treat, thought of free activities for us to do, ect ect. We never did the zoo thing yet because weather hasn't started permitting it till this weekend. I did ask him, if we can't do anything because your funds are low, and you don't want me to treat, then why ask me what I want to do, and refuse to come up with any ideas? That's the part where he just said "I'm done". And for those of you who are wondering.. we didn't even address the sex part.
Stockalone Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 (edited) Sorry to hear about that. Maybe that is just my naivety talking but he could have simply ended the concversation he didn't want to have by saying "I'm done". Having said that, I don't think you should want to continue things anyway after he is behaving like a stubborn child. It's not like you were out of line for asking those questions. Those questions/concerns are valid and the fact that he ignores them shows immaturity at best, blatant disrespect at worst. He sounds more like he isn't happy with where his is life is at the moment and not like a laid-back, content, go-with-the-flow dude. If he is that low on cash, he might be embarrassed about it. That is one of the things where I believe in gender roles. Alternating in paying for dates is fine with me, but getting treated to a date by the lady would make me feel uncomfortable if I don't have the money for that date. That would be a real concern for me, not some lame excuse but I would have loved the zoo. I had one of my best dates visiting the zoo (not a zoo with free admission though). Having said that, there are things to do on dates that don't cost that much. But then, I wouldn't be dating in the first place if I felt umcomfortable about my financial situation. But I digress. He hardly behaved maturely during the talk. I would feel uncomfortable talking about that online but since both of you don't like talking on the phone, I guess that is a non-factor for him. Also, basically ignoring your concern, is a very bad sign. Seems like he just wants to block out certain things, if he can ignore a problem, it doesn't exist. That would be a red flag for me. You know you deserve a guy that doesn't only treat you well (that should be a given) but is also capable of making you feel enthusiastic/delighted and not frustrated. I am not saying he is a loser but he most certainly doesn't appear to be in a position in his life where he could maintain a healthy relationship. Not that financial stability will achieve that, heck, I am proof of that. He just isn't the man you need him to be, that happens. You know what you don't need in a man and you also know what you deserve, so you are in a good position. Edited April 7, 2008 by Stockalone
Cobra_X30 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 So I'm assuming it's over. The main reason I think he was just coming up with excuses is because I've offered to treat, thought of free activities for us to do, ect ect. We never did the zoo thing yet because weather hasn't started permitting it till this weekend. I did ask him, if we can't do anything because your funds are low, and you don't want me to treat, then why ask me what I want to do, and refuse to come up with any ideas? That's the part where he just said "I'm done". And for those of you who are wondering.. we didn't even address the sex part. I think you shouldn't assume its over. Instead you should actively make it over! This guy seems to be a fundamentally bad match for you. Now, what do you take away from this experience?
Cov Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Now, what do you take away from this experience? 'Oh I know, I know' *Raises hand eagerly. You never try and force square pegs into round holes.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 I've learned that it is best to date someone that is more compatible with me. If I need a more assertive man - then I should find that and not try to fix what I can't. I do feel good that I at least gave it my best, instead of just ultimately giving up (which is what I've done in the past). I agree, it does show lack of maturity to be unable to have a simple converation. I'd rather have had it in person, but I didn't want to continue to vest myself into it, if it would keep going in the same direction - and I had no clue when I'd see him next. I wanted to air it all out. Cobra - you are right, don't assume - just make it the end.
Cobra_X30 Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 I've learned that it is best to date someone that is more compatible with me. If I need a more assertive man - then I should find that and not try to fix what I can't. I do feel good that I at least gave it my best, instead of just ultimately giving up (which is what I've done in the past). I agree, it does show lack of maturity to be unable to have a simple converation. I'd rather have had it in person, but I didn't want to continue to vest myself into it, if it would keep going in the same direction - and I had no clue when I'd see him next. I wanted to air it all out. Cobra - you are right, don't assume - just make it the end. Listen, nobody will ever be 100% perfect all the time. However I think you found a personality trait that you absolutely cannot live with. Make sure that's on your deal breaker list. It's never bad to try! I'm glad you see that as a positive, I personally agree on that. You can look at dating as somewhat of a journey of self discovery... Sounds grand huh!
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