**UPDATE** bad boy/good guy

[Balthazar]

I understand you want to give this guy a chance. After all, some relationships have to be worked on.

It's just a shame to wait so long before the good stuff comes!

Still, if that's what you have to do, more power to you Dreamergirl.

Catch you later

[dreamergrl]

I understand you want to give this guy a chance. After all, some relationships have to be worked on.

It's just a shame to wait so long before the good stuff comes!

Still, if that's what you have to do, more power to you Dreamergirl.

Catch you later

 

At least I know it's not a two inch pickle

[DanielMadr]

Acutally - forgive me if it's too graphic - the first time we really started messing around ... I was giving him a hand job - he was done in literally like 1 min - he laid me on the bed - took of my pants and started giving me oral saying he didn't want me to think that just because he was quick like that doesn't mean he wants me to go pleasured.

 

Oh shayt. He was really giving the president candidates' speech? Does he adore kids and puppies?

 

Look, he probably needs to mature up. You can do this stuff when you are fresh from boyscout but for an adult one.

 

One question: Is someone disrepects him or you is he capable of kicking his but? Or is it that "I I I I I will contact my lawyer tomorrow siiir."

[dreamergrl]

Oh shayt. He was really giving the president candidates' speech? Does he adore kids and puppies?

 

Look, he probably needs to mature up. You can do this stuff when you are fresh from boyscout but for an adult one.

 

One question: Is someone disrepects him or you is he capable of kicking his but? Or is it that "I I I I I will contact my lawyer tomorrow siiir."

 

I would envision him just turning around and walking away.

[DanielMadr]

I would never marry someone before having sex first. What if there is some major incompatibility?

I may have a 2 inch pickle for example, or she may have one:eek:

 

There was a tragedy in our family. My grandfathers sister married a guy. And on a wedding night.....awful....they had sex and then he snored all night long. She died soon total wreck.....lack of sleep.

[DanielMadr]

I would envision him just turning around and walking away.

 

O.K. You have my blessing. Let him grow some balls on his own. There is a line between Nice and Total pussy and he just crossed it. What is his job anyway?

 

You need that Nice guy around women but real confident in normal life. You seem to go for extremes. Either total dick or total pussy. Now you can aim for the bulls eye.

[Stockalone]

One question: Is someone disrepects him or you is he capable of kicking his but? Or is it that "I I I I I will contact my lawyer tomorrow siiir."

 

The days where an argument between men was handled this way are long gone. You can bet that as soon as he were to hit the other guy, that coward would be calling his lawyer pressing charges for assault.

 

Don't never take a chance you don't have to.

[dreamergrl]

O.K. You have my blessing. Let him grow some balls on his own. There is a line between Nice and Total pussy and he just crossed it. What is his job anyway?

 

You need that Nice guy around women but real confident in normal life. You seem to go for extremes. Either total dick or total pussy. Now you can aim for the bulls eye.

 

Oh I agree - I used to always go for the total dick. If you ever heard the song Never Again by Nickleback or just read the lyrics - it defines my past relationships pretty f'n good.

 

He does landscaping when the weather permits, trades stocks in spare time. He eats rice and chicken everyday unless I'm around. I've barely ever seen him get huffy and puffy about anything. A lil cranky when tired, he doesn't show much signs to show if he's happy or content - the smile is the "as long as your happy" smile.

 

You know maybe when I was like 15 I would have loved this all about me relationship... but it shows ... I guess almost weakness but not quite. I mean I often wonder what will he say no to.

 

And how long to I give him to get those balls?

[SuperHands]

I think I have been a little guilty of this kind of thing in the past. Always happy to please my girl, because if I make her happy, then I'm happy.

 

I got told by friends to start being a bit more selfish in relationships and I believe that I have started to do so. Now I like nothing more than to suggest a place to go, or a thing to do and enjoy having my plans challenged. It's a 50/50 thing.

 

I think maybe he feels pretty insecure with you, because he wants to please you all the time and thinks if you are not being pleased, you'll loose interest.

[dreamergrl]

I think I have been a little guilty of this kind of thing in the past. Always happy to please my girl, because if I make her happy, then I'm happy.

 

I got told by friends to start being a bit more selfish in relationships and I believe that I have started to do so. Now I like nothing more than to suggest a place to go, or a thing to do and enjoy having my plans challenged. It's a 50/50 thing.

 

I think maybe he feels pretty insecure with you, because he wants to please you all the time and thinks if you are not being pleased, you'll loose interest.

 

Maybe, but it's making me lose interest by putting all the choices on me. The frustrating of it was whats causing the interest to decline. I know I probably need to tell him straight out - but I'm just not one to be like this needs to be different or else, when it's not an action that hurts me.

 

In the past when I've spoken up about things that make me unhappy in a relationship I always got the "if you dont like it, then leave" and that scared me into saying anything - and so I just delt with stuff - regardless of how bad it was. Shame on me for that - but it's a hard pattern to get away from.

 

I believe I've come a long way though.

[twice_shy]

Hey everyone! I wanted to give an update to the thread I had started previously on this. It was REALLY long - so I thought I'd start a new one.

 

I had spent part of Easter weekend with this guy, and I tried to get him more involved in what we did. But it was the same "whatever you want to do" which is kind of frustrating me now. I really wish he'd take charge a little more! He says whatever I choose is fine, but I don't like it being all about me.

 

He's still affectionate and all which I love. I enjoy his company, and always have a nice time.

 

We talk here and there through out the week, but I feel like I'm starting the conversation most of the time now. I know that could come off as the "he's just not that into" but he does show his interests, but it just seems like the things we do, when we talk, all the choices are up to me.

 

I want say it's almost routine, but not quite.

 

I'm at lost where to go with this! I want to keep seeing him, but this passive thing is getting old.

 

I'll put an example out there. I am the guy that will eat anything. So I'm not picky. One of my exes asked where we wanted to eat. I gave her several places.

 

She turned her nose up at all of them since she was very picky. So I said, "you just pick the place, I'll eat anything". She starts getting mad because she said that I was indecisive. ???? WTF? I named place after place and she turned them all down.

 

Finally I just said, "fine, you want me to pick a place?" She said yes kind of snottily.

 

So I took her to a sushi bar. She hated it. I loved it. We didn't last long, but that was ok with me. Picky people need to start picking otherwise they aren't gonna like what they get.

[dreamergrl]

I'll put an example out there. I am the guy that will eat anything. So I'm not picky. One of my exes asked where we wanted to eat. I gave her several places.

 

She turned her nose up at all of them since she was very picky. So I said, "you just pick the place, I'll eat anything". She starts getting mad because she said that I was indecisive. ???? WTF? I named place after place and she turned them all down.

 

Finally I just said, "fine, you want me to pick a place?" She said yes kind of snottily.

 

So I took her to a sushi bar. She hated it. I loved it. We didn't last long, but that was ok with me. Picky people need to start picking otherwise they aren't gonna like what they get.

 

Excuse me, but where in my post does it say I'm picky? And you can't pick a darn thing if an option is out there.

[soulseeker]

I havent read all of your post, but

 

If this bothers you to the point that you'd dump him over it, really you've got nothing to lose by speaking frankly with him about it. Then no matter what happens, at least you were proactive.

[carhill]

Yes, have a talk with him....after the next handjob

 

Seriously, I always thought I was a bit passive (as a single guy) but this guy has me beat, hands down. You're a patient lady. Kudo's to you

[dreamergrl]

I havent read all of your post, but

 

If this bothers you to the point that you'd dump him over it, really you've got nothing to lose by speaking frankly with him about it. Then no matter what happens, at least you were proactive.

 

Right - so if using the tactics given to me earlier in this thread don't work - if it where you, how would you want it said to you straight out?

[dreamergrl]

Yes, have a talk with him....after the next handjob

 

Seriously, I always thought I was a bit passive (as a single guy) but this guy has me beat, hands down. You're a patient lady. Kudo's to you

 

Thank you

 

So if you were that passive, how would you want the talk to come across as? I don't want to come across b*tchy or anything.

[blind_otter]

I think the thread title here is a misnomer. This is not a nice guy/bad boy issue. This is just a guy who is extremely passive. Which I personally find extremely unattractive, but hey whatever floats your boat.

 

I'm also not that big into going into a serious relationship with the intention of attempting to change a fundamental aspect about someone's personality.

 

My good friend spent 7 years trying to get her passive H to be more proactive. Now they are getting a divorce.

[dreamergrl]

I think the thread title here is a misnomer. This is not a nice guy/bad boy issue. This is just a guy who is extremely passive. Which I personally find extremely unattractive, but hey whatever floats your boat.

 

I'm also not that big into going into a serious relationship with the intention of attempting to change a fundamental aspect about someone's personality.

 

My good friend spent 7 years trying to get her passive H to be more proactive. Now they are getting a divorce.

 

It's an update of a thread that got terribly long - and just speaking of the progress things had made.

 

I agree - I don't like the idea of changing someone. On the other hand, I also don't feel like the choices for us should be all about me. I don't want him to change as a person, I'd just like the choices to be for both of us.

[Rooster_DAR]

I would say send him over to me, I would help straighten him out for you but we probably don't anywhere near each other. LOL

 

Personally I think a guy should take charge much of the time, in my experience women like this. I think it's OK for the woman to pitch in here and there, but I like to carve into something completely off the norm, and perhaps something I've never even tried before.

 

Ahhh, Improvisation is the holy grail of anticipation, and anticipation leads to elation.

 

Maybe he just needs a guys night out, send him out with a couple of your male friends and maybe he will pick up on something.

 

Cheers!

[blind_otter]

I agree - I don't like the idea of changing someone. On the other hand, I also don't feel like the choices for us should be all about me. I don't want him to change as a person, I'd just like the choices to be for both of us.

 

IME though, people who are not assertive and are passive are just like that in many aspects of their life - indicating that it is a personality trait rather than a conscious choice.

[carhill]

Thank you

 

So if you were that passive, how would you want the talk to come across as? I don't want to come across b*tchy or anything.

First, smack him on the ass to get his attention

 

TBH, my passivity came from trying to please too much, so perhaps I'm a bad person to ask this of. That said, I recall my wife, back when we were dating, telling me straight out a couple times that she wanted me to plan our next get-together and impress the heck out of her. I had the tools but just needed the confidence to make use of them. After a few times and some praise on her part, I was fine. It took an outgoing/straight-up woman to break me of the habit. You sound like you have that quality.

 

I'd give a straight shot a try. Be honest about your feelings and tell him what you want (not restaurants but how you want to feel with him) and that you're a sexual woman and need a man who expresses his feelings that way. Be consistent. There may be a good guy in there but you have to bring him to the surface. If your instincts say he's gonna stay submerged long-term, be honest with him and cut him loose. This type of "incompatibility" likely is a deal-breaker, IMO.

Edited April 1, 2008 by carhill

[dreamergrl]

First, smack him on the ass to get his attention

 

TBH, my passivity came from trying to please too much, so perhaps I'm a bad person to ask this of. That said, I recall my wife, back when we were dating, telling me straight out a couple times that she wanted me to plan our next get-together and impress the heck out of her. I had the tools but just needed the confidence to make use of them. After a few times and some praise on her part, I was fine. It took an outgoing/straight-up woman to break me of the habit. You sound like you have that quality.

 

I'd give a straight shot a try. Be honest about your feelings and tell him what you want (not restaurants but how you want to feel with him) and that you're a sexual woman and need a man who expresses his feelings that way. Be consistent. There may be a good guy in there but you have to bring him to the surface. If your instincts say he's gonna stay submerged long-term, be honest with him and cut him loose. This type of "incompatibility" likely is a deal-breaker, IMO.

 

I wonder what happens if both people are this passive.

Anything I should refrain from saying?

 

IME though, people who are not assertive and are passive are just like that in many aspects of their life - indicating that it is a personality trait rather than a conscious choice.

 

His job requires a non passive attitude. I know not exactly the same, but he still has it in him to not be passive - at some degree

[carhill]

I wonder what happens if both people are this passive.

Anything I should refrain from saying?

 

I can answer the first question. Not too many dates happen. Been there, done that

 

I can't think of anything specific to refrain from saying, perhaps other than obviously negative comments. Frame your requests in the positive, as in "I want" or "I would love for you" and then a positive action. For example, if not too indelicate, when he's really aroused, say "honey, I want, no, I need you inside me, right now Trust me, if my wife said things like that to me, we'd have sex all the time The interesting conundrum, as you seem to note with your BF, is that my wife is very assertive in almost everything, yet is very passive sexually, and has been for years. I think, if she was more emotionally invested, I'd be more sexual. Part of the issues we're covering in MC. Bla, bla

 

Just give it a whirl. Set a timeline, like maybe a month, and, if no joy, cut him loose. You need (even as a guy who likes to take things slow, I know this) progress to feel like the relationship is going somewhere. You deserve it.

 

Now you know the kind of stuff my female friends talked to me about all the time

[Stockalone]

I wonder what happens if both people are this passive.

Anything I should refrain from saying?

 

The first question is easy to answer. If both are this passive, they will not even make it to the relationship stage.

 

What you should refrain from saying? If I were your bf, I would appreciate honesty, plain and simple. You can even tell him to grow a pair, if you say it in a nicer way.

 

Keep things positive, try to make him see it through your eyes; that you are convinced that things will be better, more enjoyable for both of you if he will take the lead sometimes. It could be that it is just his nature but on the chance that he thinks that is what is expected from him, you need to tell him that behaving like a doormat is not what you expect from him. Basically, tell him that while you appreciate how he treats you, his passive approach is not what you want, that you feel burdened and uneasy if he won't be a bit more agressive and take the lead from time to time.

 

As far as the sex is concerned, tell him that you don't know where you stand if things do not progress. I don't know how much he knows about your past relationships. Maybe, besides his slow approach, he is also afraid to hurt you. I doubt that you have a problem in letting him know that you would like for things to happen, but he could be simply oblivious to the signs you are giving him. I am all for taking things slow to get to know one another but I really don't see what his problem is if he is fine with having oral sex. That is where carhills advice comes in, there is no way to misinterpret that sort of invitation.

 

 

His job requires a non passive attitude. I know not exactly the same, but he still has it in him to not be passive - at some degree

 

Blind_otter has a point though. In my case the passiveness is a personality trait. Being assertive and being a leader on the other hand is a conscious choice I make/made in certain aspects of my life, meaning I can and will be assertive and take charge if I feel it is nessecary to get the job done.

[dreamergrl]

Thanks so much for the advice to all of you! I'll talk to him next time I see him. I think it would be better then doing it over the phone or online. I hope I do it right! I don't want to hurt his feelings in anyway. I don't want him to feel as though I want him to do a 180 personality change either!