dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Hey everyone! I wanted to give an update to the thread I had started previously on this. It was REALLY long - so I thought I'd start a new one. I had spent part of Easter weekend with this guy, and I tried to get him more involved in what we did. But it was the same "whatever you want to do" which is kind of frustrating me now. I really wish he'd take charge a little more! He says whatever I choose is fine, but I don't like it being all about me. He's still affectionate and all which I love. I enjoy his company, and always have a nice time. We talk here and there through out the week, but I feel like I'm starting the conversation most of the time now. I know that could come off as the "he's just not that into" but he does show his interests, but it just seems like the things we do, when we talk, all the choices are up to me. I want say it's almost routine, but not quite. I'm at lost where to go with this! I want to keep seeing him, but this passive thing is getting old.
tanbark813 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 It doesn't sound like he's not into you it just sounds like he's not really a take-charge guy and you guys have established a pattern of you leading things. If you want him to take more of the lead then just let him know that and see what happens.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Well I've expressed to him that I'd like for him to be able to choose the things we do as well, as he should be able to do the things he enjoys to. But he told me that he's just the way and whatever I pick is fine. Is that not assertive enough?
tanbark813 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Well I've expressed to him that I'd like for him to be able to choose the things we do as well, as he should be able to do the things he enjoys to. But he told me that he's just the way and whatever I pick is fine. Is that not assertive enough? It's assertive but it might come across to him as you making him feel like it's okay for him to suggest things--kind of leaving the door open to suggestion--rather than telling him that you'd like for him to take charge. It's slightly different, IMO. But if you bring it up again and his stance remains the same then I don't think there's much you can do. He is how he is.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I want to be careful how I word it, he told me when we first started dating that he was passive, and his ex gave him hell for not "having more balls"... I don't want to come off as bitchy - but it's tooooo passive for me. I don't like things being all one on person!
tanbark813 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Fair enough. You could try telling him it would turn you on if he took charge. That's a hell of a lot better than saying, "I wish you had more balls."
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Now that's something I haven't considered. If that doesn't work, I fear this is going to be a lost cause - which I really hope it doesn't end up like that. Every time it's the same thing... Me: so what do you want to do this weekend Him: whatever you'd like Me: I think you should pick something, we always do what I want to Him: Well you like to do (insert activity) so lets do that Me: But wouldn't you like to do something that interests you? Him: It really doesn't matter to me what we do Me: are you hungry? Him: yes Me: Where do you want to go for dinner (or what do you want for dinner if we aren't going anywhere) Him: Whatever you are hungry for Ahhhh What I'd like for it to be.. Me: So what's up for this weekend Him: Well I thought It be cool if we (insert activity) Me: That sounds awesome!
Ebeleptik38 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Now that's something I haven't considered. If that doesn't work, I fear this is going to be a lost cause - which I really hope it doesn't end up like that. Every time it's the same thing... Me: so what do you want to do this weekend Him: whatever you'd like Me: I think you should pick something, we always do what I want to Him: Well you like to do (insert activity) so lets do that Me: But wouldn't you like to do something that interests you? Him: It really doesn't matter to me what we do Me: are you hungry? Him: yes Me: Where do you want to go for dinner (or what do you want for dinner if we aren't going anywhere) Him: Whatever you are hungry for Ahhhh What I'd like for it to be.. Me: So what's up for this weekend Him: Well I thought It be cool if we (insert activity) Me: That sounds awesome! Well if that is really how it goes every time...wow, I have never met a woman like that...yet. But if I did I would probably get bored fast myself. But I think Tan's suggestion is a good one. If all else fails after that, you should just get straight to the point and let him know in the nicest way that you could potentially lose interest in him if he doesn't man up. I know women like a guy to know what a woman wants without having to tell him, and if you did have to tell him...you'd think he was only doing because you told him how to act. Hopefully he gets it with Tan's advice, otherwise it sounds like he's got alot to learn...unless of course you care to be really patient with him. It's not the end of the world though...so is he what he is, is it really that bad?
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Well if that is really how it goes every time...wow, I have never met a woman like that...yet. But if I did I would probably get bored fast myself. But I think Tan's suggestion is a good one. If all else fails after that, you should just get straight to the point and let him know in the nicest way that you could potentially lose interest in him if he doesn't man up. I know women like a guy to know what a woman wants without having to tell him, and if you did have to tell him...you'd think he was only doing because you told him how to act. Hopefully he gets it with Tan's advice, otherwise it sounds like he's got alot to learn...unless of course you care to be really patient with him. It's not the end of the world though...so is he what he is, is it really that bad? I don't want it to turn into him resenting me for not doing anything that he wants to do (I know I'm not him, but I'd end up feeling resentful if it was all about the other person all the time). I think if I asked him directly to make some changes in that aspect, he'd do it, but he'd be doing it because I asked. For that I worry I'd be resented for as well. Also when we only do the things I want to do, I worry if he's enjoying himself, and me worrying about that makes it harder to have fun. I'm not like picky about what I like to do, I'd just like it to be more what WE want to do, not just one or the other.
Kamille Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 One of my best girl friend is like that. We used to hang out all the time, and it could get really heavy always being the one to decide what the plans were. She kind of grew out of it, but only to the extent that she now can speak up when she really wants to do something. So it can be a very ingrained personnality trait. Why don't you declare a day of next weekend "surprise me day". The goal of the day is that he surprise you with whatever activity. What you want? To be surprised. If this causes him too much insecurity, give him a theme, like "Make me laugh" or whatnot.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 One of my best girl friend is like that. We used to hang out all the time, and it could get really heavy always being the one to decide what the plans were. She kind of grew out of it, but only to the extent that she now can speak up when she really wants to do something. So it can be a very ingrained personnality trait. Why don't you declare a day of next weekend "surprise me day". The goal of the day is that he surprise you with whatever activity. What you want? To be surprised. If this causes him too much insecurity, give him a theme, like "Make me laugh" or whatnot. That's a good idea! Now what if he ends up picking something that he knows I like to do (like not something he'd want to do, but picking something just because he knows it will please me)?
Kamille Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 That's a good idea! Now what if he ends up picking something that he knows I like to do (like not something he'd want to do, but picking something just because he knows it will please me)? Yeah, that is most likely what he'll do . Honestly, if you think this guy is worth it, the best way to respond is to go "ah geez, you picked my favorite spot! you're amazing!" And then try out another "surprise me day", in the hopes he'll come up with a plan of his own. But what about his friends, what does he do with his friends? Could you suggest doins similar activities, or perhaps even joining the group? My bf was really afraid of messing things up when we started going out. He's incapable of passivity, so we didn't really have your problem, but every time he would make a decision he would spend like 5 minutes (or a whole evening) worrying about whether or not I really wanted to do what he wanted to do. His into-me ness annoyed me at times. But I learned that giving him a good pat on the back really did the trick of reassuring him about us. Now, 6 months on, we no longer have that issue.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Yeah, that is most likely what he'll do . Honestly, if you think this guy is worth it, the best way to respond is to go "ah geez, you picked my favorite spot! you're amazing!" And then try out another "surprise me day", in the hopes he'll come up with a plan of his own. But what about his friends, what does he do with his friends? Could you suggest doins similar activities, or perhaps even joining the group? My bf was really afraid of messing things up when we started going out. He's incapable of passivity, so we didn't really have your problem, but every time he would make a decision he would spend like 5 minutes (or a whole evening) worrying about whether or not I really wanted to do what he wanted to do. His into-me ness annoyed me at times. But I learned that giving him a good pat on the back really did the trick of reassuring him about us. Now, 6 months on, we no longer have that issue. You know, when things started getting a little too routinish - I actually suggested for him to call up some friends (I just mentioned that I hadn't met any of them yet, and maybe it would be fun) and he kinda blew it off. He said you'll meet them sooner or later. In some aspects I think he's worth continuing with how it is, but I know me, and I know I'm going to get frustrated with this. He's quite an independent person outside of "us", so it shocks me how dependent he is on me making the choices. In other cases, I wonder if we're too different? I'm not sure how big of a deal this is, because it's only been about a month and a half, but we still don't have sex. I didn't mind before, but I'm getting a bit anxious. I know I know, there's nothing wrong with waiting, but how long? Actually given how things are going, I doubt he'd even initiate it... but I don't want to either because he's told me he likes to wait a while (however long that is). Like I said, wasn't a big deal, but now I'm kinda getting the itch lol
Balthazar Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I don't think you can change this person. He is the way he is, and people usually cannot change their basic character. I could foresee changes in him if he faces life altering circumstances. One such case would be if you dumped him, then his next GF dumps him too and so forth. After getting consistently dumped, he might try to change his personality and become more assertive. It's interesting that some guys are like this, as I am completely the opposite of your BF. I always lead when it comes to dates, what to do on dates, where to go, with some input from my girl. That is just the way I was brought up; the guy was/is supposed to take charge. What should you do? If it really bothers you, confront him! I wouldn't play around with half-way measures. Just tell him that you expect from a real man. If all else fails, I would be happy to date you. As long as you don't mind me choosing the restaurant Dreamergirl;).
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I don't think you can change this person. He is the way he is, and people usually cannot change their basic character. I could foresee changes in him if he faces life altering circumstances. One such case would be if you dumped him, then his next GF dumps him too and so forth. After getting consistently dumped, he might try to change his personality and become more assertive. It's interesting that some guys are like this, as I am completely the opposite of your BF. I always lead when it comes to dates, what to do on dates, where to go, with some input from my girl. That is just the way I was brought up; the guy was/is supposed to take charge. What should you do? If it really bothers you, confront him! I wouldn't play around with half-way measures. Just tell him that you expect from a real man. If all else fails, I would be happy to date you. As long as you don't mind me choosing the restaurant Dreamergirl;). You know come to think of it, I believe I was the one who asked him out too. And I NEVER do that. I had dropped subtle hints, but it was like pulling teeth. And of coursed I picked the darn restaurant. The only time he tells me know is if he's tight on $$ or what not - and he refuses to let me pay. The only time he did, was when I had a gift card for Applebees. Besides that, I could ask him to make pigs fly outta frozen h3ll and he'd try his hardest. At first it was sweet, but now I'm seeing no bounderies (except sex). I'm feeling like I'm walking all over him, but he's putting down the mat for me to do so, and I can't step back. I had just talked to him online a bit ago... I told him I'd like for him to be in charge of what we do. He had immediately asked what I'd like to do when we get together (this weekend or next). So we'll see what happens.
tanbark813 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Tell him you want to treat him to a vasectomy and if he wants to do something else then he has to suggest an alternative.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Tell him you want to treat him to a vasectomy and if he wants to do something else then he has to suggest an alternative. :lmao::lmao: OMG he'd look at me like wth.
Balthazar Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 If you were a prankster and a wee bit evil, you could really have some fun in such a situation Dreamergirl. Ex: Take him to a place he would really hate and get him to pay for it. Then you could go on about how much you liked it, and how you should go there regularly. It would have to be a hideous place no sane person would enjoy.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 If you were a prankster and a wee bit evil, you could really have some fun in such a situation Dreamergirl. Ex: Take him to a place he would really hate and get him to pay for it. Then you could go on about how much you liked it, and how you should go there regularly. It would have to be a hideous place no sane person would enjoy. Hmmm so tempting but I'd have to endure as well He'd put a smile on his face anyways lol
Balthazar Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Not necessarily... Take him to a gay bar and tell him about your 3 way fantasy. Naw, that's pretty evil, forget it. Then again, it is April Fool's Day.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Not necessarily... Take him to a gay bar and tell him about your 3 way fantasy. Naw, that's pretty evil, forget it. Then again, it is April Fool's Day. OMG then we actually start having sex he'll be like this is my friend Bob, can he play too.
Balthazar Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 OMG then we actually start having sex he'll be like this is my friend Bob, can he play too. Oops , sorry! I thought you were already having sex. My bad...
Author dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Oops , sorry! I thought you were already having sex. My bad... Yeah thanks for rubbing in the lack of sex LOL jk
Stockalone Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 In some aspects I think he's worth continuing with how it is, but I know me, and I know I'm going to get frustrated with this. He's quite an independent person outside of "us", so it shocks me how dependent he is on me making the choices. First of all, let me say I find it commendable that you are still trying to make it work. Why does it shock you that he is different? I am curious because I am a bit like your guy. In my professional life, I am required to take charge and lead if the situation calls for it. I don't mind doing so but in a relationship, I prefer a more passive role. Not nearly as passive as your guy, but still noticeably different compared to other parts in my life. I'm not sure how big of a deal this is, because it's only been about a month and a half, but we still don't have sex. I didn't mind before, but I'm getting a bit anxious. I know I know, there's nothing wrong with waiting, but how long? Actually given how things are going, I doubt he'd even initiate it... but I don't want to either because he's told me he likes to wait a while (however long that is). Like I said, wasn't a big deal, but now I'm kinda getting the itch lol Sorry, but I had to smile when I read this. Not that it matters, but, depending on how much time you have spent together, I don't think six weeks is a long time at all. Having said that, if this is not working for you, I am afraid you are running out of options. If that is how he is in a relationship, I doubt he will change. It really sounds like the two of you are extremely different in that regard, maybe even incompatible. Every time it's the same thing... Me: so what do you want to do this weekend Him: whatever you'd like Me: I think you should pick something, we always do what I want to Him: Well you like to do (insert activity) so lets do that Me: But wouldn't you like to do something that interests you? Him: It really doesn't matter to me what we do Me: are you hungry? Him: yes Me: Where do you want to go for dinner (or what do you want for dinner if we aren't going anywhere) Him: Whatever you are hungry for Regarding that conversation, I see how that gets annoying but I also think you are making it too easy for him to avoid taking charge. If you keep asking questions that allow for vague answers, he will continue to be evasive. I also have to ask, how much do you know about this guy. He is always evasive in his answers and you are letting him get away with it. Does he ever volunteer information about himself? I agree with tanbark that you should directly address what is bothering you. Subtle hints are not working and what have you got to lose? The situation as it is is frustrating, so push him a little. For example: Me: so what do you want to do this weekend instead: So what have you planned for us this weekend? There is always the chance he will be doing what he thinks will please you but so should at least try. Me: I think you should pick something, we always do what I want to instead: What are you doing with your spare time if I am not around? If his answer is nothing, you have a problem. If he does anything that seems worthwile, why not do this the next time you go out. Him: It really doesn't matter to me what we do If he says that again, ask him why he doesn't care. His answer could be he is happy to be with you and that alone is enough for him. Nonetheless, tell him that you would enjoy your dates even more if he truly takes an interest in what you are doing. Me: are you hungry? Him: yes Me: Where do you want to go for dinner (or what do you want for dinner if we aren't going anywhere) Him: Whatever you are hungry for instead: I can't decide between restaurant A or B, so I want you to choose.
Author dreamergrl Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 First of all, let me say I find it commendable that you are still trying to make it work. Why does it shock you that he is different? I am curious because I am a bit like your guy. In my professional life, I am required to take charge and lead if the situation calls for it. I don't mind doing so but in a relationship, I prefer a more passive role. Not nearly as passive as your guy, but still noticeably different compared to other parts in my life. Getting to know the basics about him, he showed so much independence, which with his own life he still does, but when it comes to us - it's all on my shoulders. I thought with how he is in his personal life would reflect a bit more into the dating life. But I see what you're saying. Sorry, but I had to smile when I read this. Not that it matters, but, depending on how much time you have spent together, I don't think six weeks is a long time at all. We started spending the whole weekend together, because of the distance between us - so with the exception of 2 weekends in this time, it's been each weekend, and a week night thing once or twice. I only ask because my relationships have moved quicker then that - so I wasn't sure, and I've been getting kinda anxious LOL - but I think that's a good thing because it shows I still have that attraction with him. Having said that, if this is not working for you, I am afraid you are running out of options. If that is how he is in a relationship, I doubt he will change. It really sounds like the two of you are extremely different in that regard, maybe even incompatible. I've been wondering this - but being dating this type of guy is new to me, I wanted to give it a chance with out writing him off. I don't like to give up on people - especially those who treat me good. Regarding that conversation, I see how that gets annoying but I also think you are making it too easy for him to avoid taking charge. If you keep asking questions that allow for vague answers, he will continue to be evasive. I also have to ask, how much do you know about this guy. He is always evasive in his answers and you are letting him get away with it. Does he ever volunteer information about himself? He's quiet - we've talked a lil about past relationships and he doesn't like talking about his recent ex much. From what I gathered, she was verbally abusive - which makes me think that is part of the reason why he is so passive - and then when you add my frustration, it makes it worse. I try not to show it, but sometimes it's hard when I can't get a simple answer from him. I agree with tanbark that you should directly address what is bothering you. Subtle hints are not working and what have you got to lose? The situation as it is is frustrating, so push him a little. For example: instead: So what have you planned for us this weekend? There is always the chance he will be doing what he thinks will please you but so should at least try. instead: What are you doing with your spare time if I am not around? If his answer is nothing, you have a problem. If he does anything that seems worthwile, why not do this the next time you go out. If he says that again, ask him why he doesn't care. His answer could be he is happy to be with you and that alone is enough for him. Nonetheless, tell him that you would enjoy your dates even more if he truly takes an interest in what you are doing. instead: I can't decide between restaurant A or B, so I want you to choose. He has told me that he just enjoys being around me. When we aren't doing stuff, he works a lot - especially now that the weather is permitting. He also does stock trading and such. Sometimes hangs out with his friends. But it seems very routine - maybe not for him - but compared to my day to day life. I will try those tactics. Hopefully something good will happen of it! Thanks for your time and advice!
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