I'm a bad person...

[idontknow17]

So here's the thing... I love my boyfriend madly... more than I've ever loved anyone. We're both 24 and have been together for over 2 years and have been living together almost just as long. This past weekend, I went out with my friend to the bar and she had a bunch of her guy friends there. Well, for some reason, I started flirting with this guy. Even going so far as to tell him I would date him or be making out with him if I didn't have a boyfriend, but that I love my boyfriend and I would never cheat on him. I continued to dance with him and flirt with him but didn't physically do anything with him. I still feel like a giant piece of crap because of it and am feeling incredibly guilty because of it. (I don't think I have to tell you I was drunk out of my mind and am now quitting drinking because of this). This is not going to happen again, and feel like I have learned a lesson. I haven't told my boyfriend about it but I think he suspects something. He's not the jealous type at all and doesn't even mind when I dance with other guys, but I think he would be upset if he knew I was flirting, rightly so.

I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I don't deserve him. Please help.

[Spectre]

So here's the thing... I love my boyfriend madly... more than I've ever loved anyone. We're both 24 and have been together for over 2 years and have been living together almost just as long. This past weekend, I went out with my friend to the bar and she had a bunch of her guy friends there. Well, for some reason, I started flirting with this guy. Even going so far as to tell him I would date him or be making out with him if I didn't have a boyfriend, but that I love my boyfriend and I would never cheat on him. I continued to dance with him and flirt with him but didn't physically do anything with him. I still feel like a giant piece of crap because of it and am feeling incredibly guilty because of it. (I don't think I have to tell you I was drunk out of my mind and am now quitting drinking because of this). This is not going to happen again, and feel like I have learned a lesson. I haven't told my boyfriend about it but I think he suspects something. He's not the jealous type at all and doesn't even mind when I dance with other guys, but I think he would be upset if he knew I was flirting, rightly so.

I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I don't deserve him. Please help.

 

 

See, the first mistake you made was the whole "I love my bf soo much" in the first sentence. Then the following sentences kinda contradicted that. Before I even go any further I want to point out that being drunk is not an excuse, ever, unless you were drugged. If you choose to go out around other single men and get wasted, while you have a bf, well that right there is bad judgement. Also what do you mean by saying your bf doesn't mind if you dance with other guys? Like, when you're out with your friends? Or when you are out with HIM? Because it is quite odd for a girl to dance with other guys in front of her bf.

 

 

Anyways, I think you love your bf in the same way I love my favorite tv show. You clearly aren't "in love" with him, or you wouldn't be telling other men you would date and make out with them. Again: you were telling your friends random male friends you would make out with them, date them if you didn't have a bf, etc. That is completely and utterly disrespectful to your bf.

 

I have seen way too many times on this board people saying they "learned a lesson" or "realized how much they love their s/o" after they have done something shady. It shouldn't take cheating, or almost cheating, to make you realize how great of a person you have.

 

You should most likely tell your bf what happened. No, you didn't exactly cheat, but you told a guy you would cheat on your bf with him. You need to let him know. Why? Because if he IS in love with you, he deserves to know you aren't as in love.

 

You may say you're sorry, say you're madly in love with him, but the truth is, how can you be? You have to wonder what your definition of being "in love" is when you do things like this to people you claim to love. You got something rare, you got a wake up call that maybe says you aren't as in love as oyu thought, but WITHOUT the cheating part(although you came close)

 

Reflect over what you want, and if you decide you still want your bf, let him know that, but also let him know you aren't as in love as you thought.

[idontknow17]

See, the first mistake you made was the whole "I love my bf soo much" in the first sentence. Then the following sentences kinda contradicted that. Before I even go any further I want to point out that being drunk is not an excuse, ever, unless you were drugged. If you choose to go out around other single men and get wasted, while you have a bf, well that right there is bad judgement. Also what do you mean by saying your bf doesn't mind if you dance with other guys? Like, when you're out with your friends? Or when you are out with HIM? Because it is quite odd for a girl to dance with other guys in front of her bf.

 

 

Anyways, I think you love your bf in the same way I love my favorite tv show. You clearly aren't "in love" with him, or you wouldn't be telling other men you would date and make out with them. Again: you were telling your friends random male friends you would make out with them, date them if you didn't have a bf, etc. That is completely and utterly disrespectful to your bf.

 

I have seen way too many times on this board people saying they "learned a lesson" or "realized how much they love their s/o" after they have done something shady. It shouldn't take cheating, or almost cheating, to make you realize how great of a person you have.

 

You should most likely tell your bf what happened. No, you didn't exactly cheat, but you told a guy you would cheat on your bf with him. You need to let him know. Why? Because if he IS in love with you, he deserves to know you aren't as in love.

 

You may say you're sorry, say you're madly in love with him, but the truth is, how can you be? You have to wonder what your definition of being "in love" is when you do things like this to people you claim to love. You got something rare, you got a wake up call that maybe says you aren't as in love as oyu thought, but WITHOUT the cheating part(although you came close)

 

Reflect over what you want, and if you decide you still want your bf, let him know that, but also let him know you aren't as in love as you thought.

 

 

I didn't tell him I would cheat on my bf, I told him I loved my boyfriend and I wouldn't cheat on him. Let me just say that I told them all I had a boyfriend and I told another guy I wouldn't be interested anyway because he does drugs, so I guess I was saying I would date him if I was single. I know it was a really bad thing to say. I'm not denying it and I wasn't using being drunk as an excuse, even though it definitely wasn't something I would've done if I was sober. I actually don't usually get that drunk ever anymore, which makes it easy for me to say that I'm going to stop altogether.

I'm definitely in love with my boyfriend. This didn't "make me realize" anything. I don't need to realize anything. I also didn't say "I love my bf soooo much"... I'm not a silly teenager here or anything, I'm a grown woman. And he's told me repeatedly that he doesn't mind if I dance with other guys, whether he's around or not. I've flirted ONCE in the over 2 years we've been together and you're making it sound like I've committed the crime of the century. And please don't make it sound like I was telling this to all of her guy friends, it was one of them, and it was the first time I've ever said anything like that and the last time. Like most people, I just seem to talk too much when I've been drinking. I'm already giving myself a lot of grief, believe me.

I don't appreciate you telling me I'm not as in love as I thought, because not once did I say that. I came here for help, not to have words put in my mouth and insulted and judged to the point where you make yourself sound like you've never done/said anything stupid.

[shanny]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. What you did was wrong, yes, but you were drinking and we all know that impairs judgement. Whenever you go out without you bf from now on, keep the alcohol to a minimum to avoid situations like this.

 

You didn't cheat, which is good. I think you need to put this out of your mind and promise yourself you won't do it again.

[idontknow17]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. What you did was wrong, yes, but you were drinking and we all know that impairs judgement. Whenever you go out without you bf from now on, keep the alcohol to a minimum to avoid situations like this.

 

You didn't cheat, which is good. I think you need to put this out of your mind and promise yourself you won't do it again.

 

 

Thanks. It didn't even cross my mind to cheat on my boyfriend. I would never do that (just like I told the guy). I guess I was just enjoying the attention a little too much. I had no intention whatsoever to cheat, and I made that clear. I just feel incredibly bad about this...

[Cobra_X30]

So here's the thing... I love my boyfriend madly... more than I've ever loved anyone. We're both 24 and have been together for over 2 years and have been living together almost just as long. This past weekend, I went out with my friend to the bar and she had a bunch of her guy friends there. Well, for some reason, I started flirting with this guy. Even going so far as to tell him I would date him or be making out with him if I didn't have a boyfriend, but that I love my boyfriend and I would never cheat on him. I continued to dance with him and flirt with him but didn't physically do anything with him. I still feel like a giant piece of crap because of it and am feeling incredibly guilty because of it. (I don't think I have to tell you I was drunk out of my mind and am now quitting drinking because of this). This is not going to happen again, and feel like I have learned a lesson. I haven't told my boyfriend about it but I think he suspects something. He's not the jealous type at all and doesn't even mind when I dance with other guys, but I think he would be upset if he knew I was flirting, rightly so.

I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I don't deserve him. Please help.

 

Well, your not the worst person in the world. Not by a long shot.

 

You did pay a pretty big disrespect to your BF though. The question you need to ask yourself is why?

 

I mean you did this because it felt good at the time. So why did it feel good? Did you enjoy the attention?

 

I would not blame the alcohol much... really that just lowers inhibitions, it doesn't put thoughts in your head. So, it's something you would have considered doing anyway.

 

Also, what do you plan to do about this?

[idontknow17]

Well, your not the worst person in the world. Not by a long shot.

 

You did pay a pretty big disrespect to your BF though. The question you need to ask yourself is why?

 

I mean you did this because it felt good at the time. So why did it feel good? Did you enjoy the attention?

 

I would not blame the alcohol much... really that just lowers inhibitions, it doesn't put thoughts in your head. So, it's something you would have considered doing anyway.

 

Also, what do you plan to do about this?

 

 

It was about the attention, and I think the reason I did this is because my boyfriend and I have been going through some tough times lately. Again, it's not something I would have done sober. I might have thought to myself, "this guy seems all right, I would probably date him if I wasn't already involved", but I would never say it or consider doing anything to hurt or disrespect my boyfriend. I'm not trying to blame anything or anyone else but myself. And, I can't stress this enough, I would NEVER cheat on him, or even consider it. I've been cheated on before. It's the worst feeling in the world and would not do that to someone that I love so much.

 

What do I plan on doing about this? My very wise older sister who's always given me advice (and knows about our recent problems), suggests I take this as a lesson learned and not tell my boyfriend about it, since it will just make things worse and nothing better. She says as long as I've learned from it and will never do it again, then I shouldn't mention it. She doesn't deny that I should feel bad, though, she says what I did was wrong and that I should feel bad. I've never felt so awful in my life. I guess this is part of the reason why I'm on this site right now. Trying to hear other people's opinions (but not to get bashed about it, doing a lot of that to myself already, thanks) and let's face it, wanting to hear that what I did wasn't as bad as I think... even though I'm very aware that it probably is... The only reason I would tell him is purely selfish and to try and make me feel better, even though it would make him feel worse.

[Cobra_X30]

It was about the attention, and I think the reason I did this is because my boyfriend and I have been going through some tough times lately. Again, it's not something I would have done sober. I might have thought to myself, "this guy seems all right, I would probably date him if I wasn't already involved", but I would never say it or consider doing anything to hurt or disrespect my boyfriend. I'm not trying to blame anything or anyone else but myself. And, I can't stress this enough, I would NEVER cheat on him, or even consider it. I've been cheated on before. It's the worst feeling in the world and would not do that to someone that I love so much.

 

What do I plan on doing about this? My very wise older sister who's always given me advice (and knows about our recent problems), suggests I take this as a lesson learned and not tell my boyfriend about it, since it will just make things worse and nothing better. She says as long as I've learned from it and will never do it again, then I shouldn't mention it. She doesn't deny that I should feel bad, though, she says what I did was wrong and that I should feel bad. I've never felt so awful in my life. I guess this is part of the reason why I'm on this site right now. Trying to hear other people's opinions (but not to get bashed about it, doing a lot of that to myself already, thanks) and let's face it, wanting to hear that what I did wasn't as bad as I think... even though I'm very aware that it probably is... The only reason I would tell him is purely selfish and to try and make me feel better, even though it would make him feel worse.

 

If you wanted to cheat, you had plenty of opportunity, so if you didn't that tells you something.

 

You should take some time and think about where your need for attention comes from. Typically it has to do with self esteem, however there can be other things as well.

 

Most important... make sure there is no "revenge" factored into this. IE... he didn't pay much attention to me.... so I'm going to go find someone who will... ect.

 

Ok, in regards to tell him/don't tell him. Really, that's just up to you. Both have their selfish reasons. Don't tell, avoid the conflict... protect your image with him... ect. Do tell, assuage guilt... whatever. In the end I would counsel you to consider what kind of relationship do you want to have with him? How open would you want him to be with you?

 

However, if you choose not to tell... make absolute certain he won't hear about this from someone else. That happened to me once... I can't even tell you how angry I was. I mean her friend told another friend, who tells my friend, who tells me... so I feel like I'm the last guy on the planet to know.

[idontknow17]

If you wanted to cheat, you had plenty of opportunity, so if you didn't that tells you something.

 

You should take some time and think about where your need for attention comes from. Typically it has to do with self esteem, however there can be other things as well.

 

Most important... make sure there is no "revenge" factored into this. IE... he didn't pay much attention to me.... so I'm going to go find someone who will... ect.

 

Ok, in regards to tell him/don't tell him. Really, that's just up to you. Both have their selfish reasons. Don't tell, avoid the conflict... protect your image with him... ect. Do tell, assuage guilt... whatever. In the end I would counsel you to consider what kind of relationship do you want to have with him? How open would you want him to be with you?

 

However, if you choose not to tell... make absolute certain he won't hear about this from someone else. That happened to me once... I can't even tell you how angry I was. I mean her friend told another friend, who tells my friend, who tells me... so I feel like I'm the last guy on the planet to know.

 

I do have very low self esteem and am very insecure. That's also a reason of why I'm the very jealous type.

 

It wasn't about revenge. It wasn't about anything except that at first it felt like harmless fun and later on that night, when I thought about it, I realized it's not something I should've done. I'm the type who has to know everything. He's the complete opposite, where he'd rather not know about a lot of things. I guess I'm just trying to decide if this is something he would want to know about or not. It's tearing me apart.

[Cobra_X30]

I do have very low self esteem and am very insecure. That's also a reason of why I'm the very jealous type.

 

It wasn't about revenge. It wasn't about anything except that at first it felt like harmless fun and later on that night, when I thought about it, I realized it's not something I should've done. I'm the type who has to know everything. He's the complete opposite, where he'd rather not know about a lot of things. I guess I'm just trying to decide if this is something he would want to know about or not. It's tearing me apart.

 

Yeah... I know how hard this can be.

 

Like I said... I was in your BF's shoes at one point. We were not 2 years deep though. I think that makes the dynamic a lot different.

 

I suggest that don't have two separate standards for the R. If you want to be 100% open... then do so. If not, no worries... just communicate that expectation to him as well.

 

So, are you sure this won't get around to him through "the grapevine"?

 

Now in regards to the incident itself... it sounds like the root cause is a self esteem issue. It may help to tell your BF that your at a low on this... and ask him to put a little extra effort into building you up. Lots of times we guys will think the world of our GF's, but wont say it because we just assume you know.

 

Oh, word of warning. There are a good chunk of people here who have been cheated on... and are super bitter. Just expect some "hate mail" from time to time. If you don't respond to it... they go away.

[idontknow17]

Yeah... I know how hard this can be.

 

Like I said... I was in your BF's shoes at one point. We were not 2 years deep though. I think that makes the dynamic a lot different.

 

I suggest that don't have two separate standards for the R. If you want to be 100% open... then do so. If not, no worries... just communicate that expectation to him as well.

 

So, are you sure this won't get around to him through "the grapevine"?

 

Now in regards to the incident itself... it sounds like the root cause is a self esteem issue. It may help to tell your BF that your at a low on this... and ask him to put a little extra effort into building you up. Lots of times we guys will think the world of our GF's, but wont say it because we just assume you know.

 

Oh, word of warning. There are a good chunk of people here who have been cheated on... and are super bitter. Just expect some "hate mail" from time to time. If you don't respond to it... they go away.

 

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

I want to be 100% open, but I have tried this and often he will say he'd rather not know, like if my guy friends are guys that I've hooked up with in my past or anything. He'd just rather not know. Like I said, just trying to decide if this is one of those things or not. Since nothing happened, I'm thinking it's something he doesn't want to know about. He's done things that I wasn't impressed with and the only reason he told me was because I could tell he was hiding something from me and asked him until he told me. He sees things as grabbing his friend's girlfriend's ass as a joke, not a big deal, where I do. He says it's just for fun, not like he wants them or anything, so it shouldn't be a big deal. As far as I know, he hasn't done it, but he almost has while I was right in front of him then we got into a huge fight about it. He said he was drunk and thought it would be funny, I didn't think so much. So just an example of how he thinks. I was being flirty but I didn't mean anything by it. I wasn't trying to pick this guy up or lead him on, I made it very clear from the start that I was committed and had no intention of cheating on him. But I still feel incredibly guilty and almost like I did cheat on him by being that way. I know I would be furious with him if he did the same thing, but again, he and I have both very different views on this. And it's not like I said it just out of the blue, it was just because I said I wouldn't date the other guy even if I was single because he does drugs so I said I would probably date this other guy if I was single because he seemed decent. And I'm pretty sure I said the making out thing just as an example of how I used to be in the past (we were discussing this), and that's the kind of person I used to be, but how I wasn't anymore.

 

I'm sure this won't get to him through the grapevine... he didn't know anyone there except for my best friend, who wouldn't say anything. I don't expect to see these guys ever again.

 

So... I find it almost a necessity to be 100% open, which might be why I feel incredibly guilty about "hiding" something from him, but he doesn't find it necessary at all.

[Spectre]

I didn't tell him I would cheat on my bf, I told him I loved my boyfriend and I wouldn't cheat on him. Let me just say that I told them all I had a boyfriend and I told another guy I wouldn't be interested anyway because he does drugs, so I guess I was saying I would date him if I was single.

 

Ok, but why even say "i'd make out with you if i didnt have a bf" ?? If you truly loved your bf, you would not be thinking about what you'd do if u didnt have one, bottom line. Claiming you wanted "attention" is the most cliche thing out there. You want attention get a puppy, or frankly talk to your bf. If you need to goto bars and tell guys you'd make out with them if u were single to get attention, again RED FLAG. That is not behavior someone "in love" acts like.

 

I'm definitely in love with my boyfriend. This didn't "make me realize" anything. I don't need to realize anything. I also didn't say "I love my bf soooo much"... I'm not a silly teenager here or anything, I'm a grown woman. And he's told me repeatedly that he doesn't mind if I dance with other guys, whether he's around or not.

 

I wasn't quoting you when I said you said u love him so much, but in your first sentence the phrase "madly in love" was thrown out"

 

I've flirted ONCE in the over 2 years we've been together and you're making it sound like I've committed the crime of the century. And please don't make it sound like I was telling this to all of her guy friends, it was one of them, and it was the first time I've ever said anything like that and the last time. Like most people, I just seem to talk too much when I've been drinking. I'm already giving myself a lot of grief, believe me.

 

Do you want sympathy, or something? Why flirt at all if you truly love your bf? Females don't need to flirt with every guy out there, the ones that convince themselves they are doing "harmless flirting" are really kidding themselves. If you are truly in love, you don't need to flirt with anyone. I don't care if you do it once every 20 years, doesn't make it ok.

 

I don't appreciate you telling me I'm not as in love as I thought, because not once did I say that. I came here for help, not to have words put in my mouth and insulted and judged to the point where you make yourself sound like you've never done/said anything stupid.

 

Well, frankly it isn't my concern what you appreciate. I judged you off the info you gave me. You went out drinking and starting telling guys how much you'd love to make out with them if u didnt have a bf. If you were truly in love, would you really be having thoughts like that? Nope.

 

Don't get mad at me, I'm just going off what you said.

Edited March 31, 2008 by Spectre

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks for the replies.

I want to be 100% open, but I have tried this and often he will say he'd rather not know, like if my guy friends are guys that I've hooked up with in my past or anything. He'd just rather not know. Like I said, just trying to decide if this is one of those things or not. Since nothing happened, I'm thinking it's something he doesn't want to know about. He's done things that I wasn't impressed with and the only reason he told me was because I could tell he was hiding something from me and asked him until he told me. He sees things as grabbing his friend's girlfriend's ass as a joke, not a big deal, where I do. He says it's just for fun, not like he wants them or anything, so it shouldn't be a big deal. As far as I know, he hasn't done it, but he almost has while I was right in front of him then we got into a huge fight about it. He said he was drunk and thought it would be funny, I didn't think so much. So just an example of how he thinks. I was being flirty but I didn't mean anything by it. I wasn't trying to pick this guy up or lead him on, I made it very clear from the start that I was committed and had no intention of cheating on him. But I still feel incredibly guilty and almost like I did cheat on him by being that way. I know I would be furious with him if he did the same thing, but again, he and I have both very different views on this. And it's not like I said it just out of the blue, it was just because I said I wouldn't date the other guy even if I was single because he does drugs so I said I would probably date this other guy if I was single because he seemed decent. And I'm pretty sure I said the making out thing just as an example of how I used to be in the past (we were discussing this), and that's the kind of person I used to be, but how I wasn't anymore.

I'm sure this won't get to him through the grapevine... he didn't know anyone there except for my best friend, who wouldn't say anything. I don't expect to see these guys ever again.

So... I find it almost a necessity to be 100% open, which might be why I feel incredibly guilty about "hiding" something from him, but he doesn't find it necessary at all.

 

Ok, seriously... your BF sounds like a conflict avoider. Ignorance is not bliss.

 

This particular incident... I think you could safely sit on it.

 

However, I think overall... you two need to get on the same page. I can understand him taking a don't ask, don't tell policy towards your past, but not the present or the future.

 

Communication is key, and your letting him push for the opposite. Incidents like this are early signs of bigger problems... and sticking his head in the sand fixes nothing.

 

BTW... grabbing the tush of a friends GF... is a great way to earn a beatdown, lose a friend, and your lose own GF all at once. Pretty stupid I think. Definitely not funny.

[Siphon9a]

What if the situation was reversed and he went to a bar with his buddies and some hot girls were there. He was just there to hang out with his buddies and they just happened to tag along. Well now the night goes on and people are getting a little drunk and he and a girl are having a conversation about "how they used to be" and he blurts out, well if I didn't have a girlfriend......". Now let me ask you, do I even have to finish the sentence? I doubt it, because the fact of "if I didn't have" to me, is a clear sign of disrespect and if I ever heard, seen or caught my gf disrespect me in such a way, I'd think long and hard about whether or not I'd want to stay with her. Now if she came up to me and told me in a civilized manner and told me, look here's what happened, I'd listen to the situation and guage my thoughts as such. But finding out or catching in the act, I'd be out cause obviously her thoughts and feelings wouldn't be for me. I would feel she is out to get what she needs, not what the relationship needs.

 

Whatever you do, just don't let him find out from another source. That would be the worst thing in this situation.

[notgoodatthis]

So here's the thing... I love my boyfriend madly... more than I've ever loved anyone. We're both 24 and have been together for over 2 years and have been living together almost just as long. This past weekend, I went out with my friend to the bar and she had a bunch of her guy friends there. Well, for some reason, I started flirting with this guy. Even going so far as to tell him I would date him or be making out with him if I didn't have a boyfriend, but that I love my boyfriend and I would never cheat on him. I continued to dance with him and flirt with him but didn't physically do anything with him. I still feel like a giant piece of crap because of it and am feeling incredibly guilty because of it. (I don't think I have to tell you I was drunk out of my mind and am now quitting drinking because of this). This is not going to happen again, and feel like I have learned a lesson. I haven't told my boyfriend about it but I think he suspects something. He's not the jealous type at all and doesn't even mind when I dance with other guys, but I think he would be upset if he knew I was flirting, rightly so.

I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I don't deserve him. Please help.

 

 

I commend you actually. You had temptation and you were very drunk. Yet, you didnt cheat. I wish my last girlfriend had the control you do. She ended up cheating on me, breaking up with me because she couldnt face me again after what she did. Then she discovered she got herpes. Be careful out there. If you have a good guy, dont **** it up.