motive2002 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I think about the partner choices around now that my ex and I are through. It's hard because I hadn't had a gf for a while before her because finding someone compatible seems so difficult. The relationship was long distance. I was willing to branch out and take the challenge of a LDR if it meant finding someone much more compatible with my tastes/interests/beliefs etc. Now the relationship is over and my hopes for the future seem pretty bleak. I guess I just need some words of encouragement
Prosecco Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) I can't help, can't encourage... but can join the club. I rarely fancy someone. I can see someone is 'attractive' - in the same was a I might find a painting beautiful. But - even that is rare. For me to actually fancy someone... as in be physically drawn to them... well - I can't pinpoint what it is, but I've only 'fancied' 4 or 5 people in the last 10 years. And of those - only 2 have made me butterflies in my stomach googly... Assuming they are no where near as fussy as me, the chance of me meeting someone I fancy who fancies me... is very low. I'm not unattractive, but I'm not supermodel pretty - I can't afford to be this picky, but can't help it. If you don't fancy someone, you don't fancy them... Now to extend the probabilities against me - to have similar personalities and interests. I'm intelligent, but in a quirky argumentative way - that can put a lot of guys off. I come across as 'one upping' - when really I just really enjoy a good debate. At the same time as I can be abrasive and argumentative - I'm shy to the point of social anxiety, and it means I can come across as distant, cold or plain rude (my humour goes ... wrong when I'm nervous.). Bla, bla bla... What it boils down to - my ex is the first person I've met whose matched me in all the ways he should, balanced me in all the ways he should, and generally brought me out of my shell... He had his own issues, but they were necessary for us to empathise etc. So... I'm screwed. Or not, if you excuse the rude innuendo. Fortunately, I have great friend's, so even if I'm resigned to singlehood, I'm not (yet) resigned to loneliness. But yeah - the plenty of fish in the sea thing applies if... you'll go for a lot of people, and a lot of people would go for you. Edit: I HAVE noticed that I only ever seem to talk about myself here. I am a wee bit egocentric, but I do mean just to draw parallels, not ignore other people's issues! Edited March 31, 2008 by Prosecco
sedgwick Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) I understand. I loved my ex unconditionally, and I told him that in response to his telling me he was dumping me because I'm not a musician (just like him.) He told me I was only the 6th woman he's ever slept with (he's 32.) And yet, he was willing to let it all go because I don't have the exact same career as he does. When he left, I said, "I guess maybe you have so many women telling you they love you unconditionally that it doesn't mean anything to you anymore." He said, "You're the first person who's ever said that to me." And then he completely stopped speaking to me, and that was 7 months ago. Prior to his dumping me we were together for a year, and we almost never argued -- we were either laughing or making out most of the time we were together. He used to tell me I was beautiful, amazing, he was so lucky to be with me. But he decided the best thing to do when a woman with whom you have everything in common, a woman who constantly tells you how incredible you are and how you're the only man for her, a woman with whom you have amazing sex, tells you she loves you with her whole heart for exactly who you are, the best thing to do is cut her completely out of your life and never speak to her or see her again. He is the second person I've ever really loved. I am 36. The first happened when I was 23. He was the only person I ever told I loved unconditionally, as it was something I had never felt before. I hardly even look at people on the street and find them attractive; it's VERY hard for me to meet people because I'm so busy and most people bore me anyway. But I guess for him, maybe, it was all a lie. I guess there are some people who are just massively adored and beloved everywhere they go by everyone they meet, and that must be how it is with him. I cannot imagine that I'll ever even look at anyone romantically again. Why? The lesson I've learned is that no matter how much I love someone, I am for whatever reason not good enough to have that love returned. So be it, I get it, I won't try again. Do you all think there are people this happens to on a regular basis? Like, everywhere they go, they fall in love, and people fall in love with them, wholly and unconditionally? I wonder if mine has already found his perfect musician and he loves her like I love him. I can't imagine treating someone like he treated me -- especially someone for whom I felt even the slightest bit of love or regard. I have never tried to give someone such a gift and had it thrown back in my face like that, which leads me to believe that everything I have to give, my whole heart, my purest love, is nothing anybody would want. Edited March 31, 2008 by sedgwick
LuCidiTy Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 i can't help either. i agree with a lot of what prossecco said, and i'm nowhere near the point of even being able to consider the next one. hell i can't even LOOK at a man without, frankly, getting frightened and disgusted at what's out there and breaking down emotionally. it would be a miracle if i were to meet another who drew me in so completely.
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