motive2002 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I'm kinda grappled with this little game in my mind of woulda coulda shoulda.. I mean, I know that my behavior in the relationship (drama, clinginess etc.) was what ultimately brought it to it's demise. Now my mind is stuck on the things I did and how it coulda been so sweet if I hadn't screwed things up. Right now we are split up, and it pretty clear her mind is made up (no reconciliation) Now I've been in this NC phase and it's really hard. I really want to contact her and tell her that I can make things better, but I know that her mind is made up and that calling her will only push her away further. Arrrgh!
LuCidiTy Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 deeds not words? would that maybe be applicable? or is she really, really done?
D-Lish Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 The one thing you need to do is get out of the 'coulda, shoulda, wish I hada done it differently".... That will only drive you crazy. You have to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you think you've made- learn from them and move past it. It is true that actions speak louder than words. If she needs time and space right now- it's a must you give it to her if you ever want a shot down the road. In the meantime- you have to start living your days as if the relationship is over. Pining and lamenting will only stagnate you and prevent you from moving forward.
Trialbyfire Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Maybe you could expand on what caused the breakup and also, who made the decision to split. It might help us understand the situation, therefore, help you make the decision to contact or not.
Author motive2002 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Maybe you could expand on what caused the breakup and also, who made the decision to split. It might help us understand the situation, therefore, help you make the decision to contact or not. It was long distance. I went to see her for a full week and during that time, after the rush of seeing each other again, she started to seem distant and aloof while I was there. I asked her about it. Told her she seemed to be withdrawing. She got all defensive and we fought. There was a definite awkwardness in the air for a few days prior to me leaving and going back home. She said I needed to get over this need for reassurance, and my insecurity. That we could go on but that it would take a lot of work. Finally later that week she broke up with me on the phone. Said she needed her space and that it wasn't working out. I told her I could get through this "phase" but she said we've discussed it before and it wasn't getting any better. She said the relationship was too much work, and that she felt like she was losing herself, or her independence or whatever. Bottom line is I let insecurity spoil what could have been a really great thing. If I only relaxed and "played it a little cooler" maybe she would have pined for me like she had before. I kinda pushed the breakup thing a little, which gave me some doubt as to if she was ready to split. but things she said kinda lead me to believe she was ready all along. Things like "I'm really enjoying my space in the evening" (when I don't call her) and, "If I see you again it will only weaken my resolve" when I asked her if she wanted to keep our plans for next weekend... maybe reconnect after the space and try to work things out. I'm thinking that my own insecurity played a major role, but maybe there was something else going on that made her pull a 180 on me. Maybe another man? Maybe a heart to heart with a friend? I may never fully know or understand. now I'm just left dealing with the pain on my own. I told her when she broke up with me that I had to break contact for a while to get over this, and have remained NC ever since. I'm dying to call her to see if this can be reconciled, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that she's never going to "take me back". She was in tears when the split up conversation was going on. She said that she still loved me, but when I asked if she would give me one more chance, she said she couldn't This all took place last Wednesday. Just the Monday before that, she had sent me a very sentimental e-card and was telling me how much she loved and missed me. As you can see, this really hit me like a ton of bricks. Didn't see it coming. I thought we were getting better.. after the awkwardness of the weekend before. I thought we were working through it.. and then she just threw in the towel. I'm trying to understand that it takes 2 to break it.. and not to accept all of the responsibility.. but still, had I not been so needy around her, it might have worked out a lot different.
Trialbyfire Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Neediness is a two-way street. When one partner senses the other becoming distant, it brings out a need to hold on tighter because of what you're afraid to lose. In your situation, this would cause her to pull away more, since she's concerned about losing herself and her independence. This is normal human behaviour. In so many ways, does it matter what caused her to pull away? What matters is that she's made a choice, one she should be held accountable for. I wouldn't contact her. Give her as much space as she can stomach and more. If she cares enough, she'll be back. The worst case scenario is that you'll have time to focus on yourself, as long as you don't waste all that personal energy on wondering about, "what ifs". Sink that energy back into yourself. In refocusing personal energy back into yourself, hopefully, if she ever comes back, you'll have moved onto someone who wants to be with you and treats you like the priority you should be. One thing, be careful of rubberbanding. She maybe back for a dose of familiarity, and then off again. Don't let this cycle happen. Hold her accountable.
Saxis Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I wouldn't contact her. Give her as much space as she can stomach and more. If she cares enough, she'll be back. The worst BEST case scenario is that you'll have time to focus on yourself, as long as you don't waste all that personal energy on wondering about, "what ifs". Sink that energy back into yourself. In refocusing personal energy back into yourself, hopefully, if she ever comes back, you'll have moved onto someone who wants to be with you and treats you like the priority you should be. Best advice right there, with a slight modification. Give it time... The thing is, right about the time she'll come crawling back is the same time you figure out you want nothing to do with her anymore.
Trialbyfire Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Best advice right there, with a slight modification. Give it time... The thing is, right about the time she'll come crawling back is the same time you figure out you want nothing to do with her anymore. I stand corrected. So true...
Author motive2002 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Thank you for your replies and insight. I'm at a point where I'm trying to gain the closure I need amidst the confusion and lack of contact. She said she still loved me, but then why would she do this if she did? "Weaken my resolve" is a phrase she used that sticks with me. It says to me that she's trying to convey her ultimate decision to break things off for good. When I'm flooded with memories of how wonderful things were in the past, I'm blinded by how things weren't so wonderful when it seemed she held a position of power over me. Always talking on her terms. That sort of thing. In short I feel like I handed my happiness and well being over to this person. My life revolved around her, and now that we're through I'm struggling with the mistakes I made along with how to piece myself back together and get on with things. A huge vaccum has been created by this.. and the things I once found interesting or enjoyable no longer seem so. More venting, but it helps. Our routines are gone. The phone calls and texts are gone. Only solitude and emptiness remain. My friends are all tired of hearing about it. Those connections I'm trying to re-establish are tainted with my break-up woes. Please tell me this gets better
Saxis Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Please tell me this gets better Yes, it does. MUCH better. Better than before the breakup. Get out there and take your life back. Do the things that YOU enjoy, for YOURSELF!
stlnsmile Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Sweetie....it does get better, it just takes time. Let yourself hurt and mourn and do whatever you need to do for you. Eat, sleep, rest, cry, watch really long movies that have nothing to do with love, go for walks, call your friends, and if you don't have any, work on getting some. Your story is so much like mine it hurt me to read it. I'm here to tell you, you will find yourself, you will learn to make new friends, you will learn to breathe again, you will learn that you are only 50% responsible, and she had choices too. You will stop crying, and you will see the sun again, it just takes time. Hugs:bunny:
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