nymphetgrown Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Normally, I'm not That Sort of Girl, and for good reason. My grandparents' affair resulted in my father, who married my mother after divorcing his own wife and promptly had his own affairs. So there's a bit of a family history, yes. I've been in love with a married man before, but it was entirely unrequited, and I was happy to let it stay that way. No sense in ruining his life as well as mine. We're friends, and I cherish that more than I want him to love me. So why is this one so different? We'll call him Quilty; given my username and the situation, it fits. (Go read some Nabokov if you're still confused.) He was here for a few days two months ago, and now he's back, because this show is about to open. He's not gorgeous, but his personality gives him this magnetism. When he directs, he'll jump in and demonstrate, even if the scene is sexually charged and the actress is half his age (still legal, though). When I met him, I was dressed in office-chic, skirt and heels, a look he found sexy -- and said so. This time, I conducted an experiment. In jeans, I am competent and interesting. In a sundress, I am bloody hot, to the point where he's going out of his way to be physical with me. He even asked, in a roundabout way, whether I was seeing anyone. (No, I'm not.) Towards the end of his stay, we're all getting together to celebrate the show. God only knows what will happen. I know I'm not in love with him, and I hope he isn't falling for me. That would be monumentally stupid, as I'm only really in it for the possibility of smashing one-off sex between good conversations. I don't want him to leave his wife and child; I don't even want them to know, should it happen. I will not initiate anything, aside from looking good when I feel like looking good -- there are more available cast members, after all, and I would like them to pay me the same sort of attention! I will give in gracefully if so induced; better me than an ingenue or a call girl. I'm just a pressure valve, so he can get on with his life and not have to worry about a scandal. This isn't so much a "what should I do?" as a "what am I forgetting?" I have tried to be sensible, because it is just lust, in the end; have I completely missed something here?
norajane Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 What are you forgetting? -You might fall in love with him after the sex, especially if he continues to pursue you. -Everyone will figure out you've banged/are still banging the director and gossip about you. And they may not pay you any of the kind of attention you want after that. -STD's -You'll get jealous when he pays attention to other women, even if it's only in the course of his work with the girls half his age. -Because it's sooo natural and easy to do it this time, you will be less likely to hesitate the next time another mm comes along. - You may come face to face with his wife and child at some point.
mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 The question is why are you asking this question? If it really is just about the physical, then why are you overanalyzing? The more you ask questions, the more likely it is that you may have subconscious feelings for this guy. You aren't asking about any of the single men that may give you attention. I think that you might want to ask yourself if there isn't something deeper that you are overlooking. I think that if it is simply about the physicality of sex, then you could most likely benefit some other pent up man that is single. Do not think that I am judging you, I just hope you know what you are getting into.
norajane Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Oh, yeah, and you might get preggers. BC is not foolproof.
Author nymphetgrown Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 What are you forgetting? -You might fall in love with him after the sex, especially if he continues to pursue you. Sex has never drawn me closer to a person. I'm more concerned about the latter possibility: continued pursuit. In that case, no-contact is my friend. -Everyone will figure out you've banged/are still banging the director and gossip about you. And they may not pay you any of the kind of attention you want after that. Very valid point. Thank you. -STD's Condoms and other fun barrier methods. Regular gyno visits. And before it comes up: there will be no child. That is why I'm on the Pill and have the Planned Parenthood number handy. -You'll get jealous when he pays attention to other women, even if it's only in the course of his work with the girls half his age. I'm used to jealousy. I live with mine. If I didn't acknowledge it, it would fester inside and destroy me. So I acknowledge this possibility -- and live with it. I don't own him, and he doesn't owe me anything. -Because it's sooo natural and easy to do it this time, you will be less likely to hesitate the next time another mm comes along. I'm not quite as silly as I appear; I understand that married men don't choose their other women. Should I go into another such situation, it will be with eyes wide open and boundaries firmly set. I've never been one for blind passion. I've had months of thinking to do on this just on my own - You may come face to face with his wife and child at some point. I don't know her name or what she looks like, and it will stay that way. The less we know of each other's lives, the better. Clean breaks all 'round. Chances are it won't happen, anyway, but I'd like to be well-prepared for the possibility. In this imperfect world, we do lead complicated lives. I'm just trying to get this piece of my life sorted before it bursts out of control.
Author nymphetgrown Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 The question is why are you asking this question? If it really is just about the physical, then why are you overanalyzing? Lingering paranoia. Horror stories. Take your pick. I learn from those who have gone before me. The more you ask questions, the more likely it is that you may have subconscious feelings for this guy. Which is always a possibility, and one I am comfortable cutting off before it has a chance to grow. I think that if it is simply about the physicality of sex, then you could most likely benefit some other pent up man that is single. Do not think that I am judging you, I just hope you know what you are getting into. I've tried to benefit them! They seem to prefer the Girls Gone Wild set! I would very much like my own academically-inclined man (not boy; I can't fall in love with someone who's still a child inside) who will give a little instead of taking all the time. At the very least, I'd like someone who doesn't need to get drunk or high in order to have fun -- and who doesn't equate that with any stringent set of moral standards. (See also "why are all those Christians following me around?") Is it then better to find oneself in a passionate entanglement, heart, mind, soul, and uterus, having skipped the research entirely? I can't do that. By asking questions of those who have been there, I'm trying to understand what I'm getting into, so I might not be helpless if I wind up there.
Author nymphetgrown Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Looks like my subconscious wins the day. I dreamed last night that it did turn long-term. If I'm already dreaming it, can I trust myself to let go after a night together? Humility is a virtue for a reason, and I bow to your experience. I am in that weird "if he's going to cheat, it might as well be with me" mindset described in another thread. I wish I had never met him, really, and that he'd behave more like the husband he claims to be, but at the same time... if he cheats anyway, does it suddenly become my responsibility to not compound the damage? Or do I sit there wondering what might have been? This whole thing is so confusing.
child_of_isis Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 You are going into the fog. This is where you start telling yourself stupid ****. Yes...I am convinced that you will fall in love with this man. And you will join the string of heartbroken & used OW's who said it could never happen to them.
norajane Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I dreamed last night that it did turn long-term. if he cheats anyway, does it suddenly become my responsibility to not compound the damage? He's probably a serial cheater who cheats with a pretty young thing during each of his productions. You won't matter one way or another to his marriage. Howevah, you are solely responsible for the damage you choose to do to yourself if you get involved. That's the compounded damage you need to worry about. Imagine how you'll feel when he moves on to the next girl and you become yesterday's hit and run.
mistresswchildren Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I agree with COI. Although I like your sense of humor about it all, it just seems like you are trying to use humor to keep the situation lighter than it really is. I really do appreciate your thinking though. I feel that it takes a strong person to sit there and say that you want him to be a better husband, so that you would not feel this way. If we all thought that way before we started our As, we might be better off. It is his seeming availability that is the appeal. How do you keep yourself from being with someone that makes themselves readily available? He gives you the attention you want. He makes you feel important and attractive. I understand the appeal. My only suggestion is not to do it. Something like this can really take its toll on you. I wish that before I started my A, that I had had a forum like this to talk to people. It may have kept me from making a huge mistake.
danavladeem Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Sigh! That's the problem with these artsy types. Letting your emotions get the best of you. You need to be logical about this guy. Set your criteria and if you are comfortable with it, stick with it! Don't mess around with losers.
Author nymphetgrown Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I agree with COI. Although I like your sense of humor about it all, it just seems like you are trying to use humor to keep the situation lighter than it really is. I do that a lot, actually. Think Hawkeye from M*A*S*H. I really do appreciate your thinking though. I feel that it takes a strong person to sit there and say that you want him to be a better husband, so that you would not feel this way. I've see what good husbands are like. I've seen what bad husbands are like (hi, Dad). I hate what this does to everyone's lives, which is why I'm beating myself up but good. I know someone who will help me stay accountable if I ask. I just have to bite the bullet and ask -- not so much because I'm afraid she'll hate me, but because the temptation is still so freaking strong. (Of course, confronting him about his behavior would be fun, too, in a smackdown kind of way.)
mistresswchildren Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Confronting him really doesn't help anyone. For a brief second, you will feel better, but then you will fall into the same patterns (I know from experience). Also, he won't care that you confront him. He'll act hurt, and then he'll be over it by the time you hang up the phone (or he signs out of e-mail or whatever). It is all just an act. Honestly, some of these MM should have become actors because they are so convincing.
mistresswchildren Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 and although he is already a director, i am certain that he brings a new art to the stage. if he is hitting on you in such a direct manner, i am almost positive that he has cheated before. maybe that is why he got into acting in the first place;)
Author nymphetgrown Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 and although he is already a director, i am certain that he brings a new art to the stage. if he is hitting on you in such a direct manner, i am almost positive that he has cheated before. maybe that is why he got into acting in the first place;) *wry grin* Oh, the evidence is piling up. Having seen what the wife looks like (i.e. perfectly ordinary and nice), I'm having third, fourth, and fifth thoughts. God, she deserves so much better. We both do. Where's George Clooney when you need him, huh?
Bobby NoBrains Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Ah, looks like reason shines through the fog of lust (hopefully no emotional attachment so far, though you seem to be inching towards it). Follow your gut instinct, stay away from this guy. We both know you can do better than this Esp since you look so hot in a skirt Just my two bits .. Bobby
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