A bit over a month

[Sagwa]

I've been single for over a month now. The first two weeks were hell, couldn't stop crying and couldn't start eating. After that I pulled myself together but then this last weekend I crashed again and begin to vividly remember everything we did and how I felt when I was happy and cried. When do I go back to normal? I feel that it would have been easier if we ended the relationship hating each other or have drama but we ended it because it was long distance. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. People have told me to find a rebound but when any guy shows they're interst in me I feel grossed out. Has anyone gotten over a love easy ans fast because I'm tired of being miserable.

[MalachiX]

I'm in a very similar boat. It's been almost two months since the big break and a month now since no contact. I totally understand where you're coming from. I let myself flirt with a girl a few weeks ago but, the second she started to reciprocate, I immediatly felt disgusted at the prospect of anything resembling dating (and, to be honest, all I was really interested in was casual sex to distract me from things). I guess just know that this is normal.

 

I realize it's especially hard because you still probably love the other person and feel that if circumstances had been different, you'd still be together. That sucks. Movies tell us that there's only one person we're mean to be with and if you love them, life will magically work out somehow. Reality tells us that just isn't the case. I repeat, it sucks. Especially if you're a bit of a hopeless romantic.

 

Right now, I gain strength by looking at a friend who was once in a similar, albiet more destructive situation. He and his girlfriend were together for a year before he went off to college and it became a long distance relationship. She cheated on him while he was away and they broke up but the quickly got back together. In response to the betrayal though, he began to cheat on her (this is the part that I'm thankful I was spared of). Eventually, he realized he was tired of flings and actually wanted to be in love again (even though he still insisted he loved his girlfriend). He met someone else, a friend I kind of set him up with, but took it very slowly (no sex, nothing heavy).

 

They dated for a few weeks and then he went home for the summer, resolved to finally break it off with his girlfriend because of all the bad blood that he thought simply couldn't be fixed. He did so and, despite infedelity, and the fact that there was someone new and wonderful waiting for him, he suddenly no longer wanted to be in any relationship. He confided me about a month after the break that he really wasn't sure he wanted to be with the other girl now that his first relationship was over. He didn't say much else but it seemed like pretty clear he just needed time to morn the relationship that had finally died.

 

Thankfully, by the end of the summer, he was over it. He went into the relationship with the new girl with a clean slate and they've been together for the last three years and seem quite happy.

 

I'm trying to use this as a sign that life goes on and you love again. His advice to me, ironically, is to make sure I DON'T do what he did

after the first break and start sleeping around (which is exactly what my stupid male ego wants me to do so I feel worthwhile again). He says that trying to quickly rebound with another person, either physically (as most were) or emotionally (as some turned into), just lead to a lot of pain.

 

Hope this helps.

[Sagwa]

Thank you. It gives me a sort of comfort to know someone knows exactly what I'm going through. None of my friends understand and I try not to let it show and ruin their days. I've been isolated in my mind. I want to scream but being in a city I just can't get away far enough to do that.

 

It's unbelievably hard to walk away from something so happy once upon a time. I don't think I can stand being back to what I was before him and I don't know how to be after him. It might be a stupid girl thing but I want to believe in fate and love. I have to know I won't end up lonely. I want to believe that if its meant to be we'll find a way again someday. Although that's kind of a destructive way to deal with a break-up. I need to completely lose him. I'm rambling now. But, seriously thank you.

[MalachiX]

Glad to be of some help.

 

None of my friends understand and I try not to let it show and ruin their days.

 

That's hard. I guess I got lucky since one of my best friends had gone through the story I told you. I realize it's very hard to talk this stuff over with people that havn't experienced it. I can't tell you the number of times that I'd tell the story and I'd just hear someone say, "well, you should call her" or "if you love her it'll all work out in the end." I realize they're trying to be helpful but please. We DID love each other (I still do, don't know about her) and calling her didn't work since she cut contact (felt too embarassed to tell anyone this). Perhaps now, this is really the best place to talk as you're anonymous (so you don't have to worry what you're revealing) and chances are there are people dealing with the same thing (you may have to post a few times though). I've gotten through some tough nights by searching other threads and seeing lots of people in my place (or in a much worse place).

 

I want to scream but being in a city I just can't get away far enough to do that.

 

Get in your car, close the windows, and let it out. Yell. Scream. Cry. Indulge in your emotions (just try not to break stuff). It's cathartic and helps a lot. Trust me, the times when I let myself yell or even cry (which I rarely ever do); felt pretty damn good. The times when I tried to keep it in, when I had trouble breathing, or even started whimpering like a sick dog in the middle of Wal-Mart; those were the worst of times.

 

Remember, it's OK for you to be emotional and even melodramatic right now. It's OK for you to be a little selfish right now. It's OK for you, if you can and have the time, to take a little vacation or call in sick and spend all day watching your favorite movies or reading a book. And it's OK for you to rather bluntly tell people close to you that you aren't doing well and really just need some time for yourself.

 

It's unbelievably hard to walk away from something so happy once upon a time. I don't think I can stand being back to what I was before him and I don't know how to be after him.

 

Again, totally understand where you're coming from (I guess this long distance story that we each have is a common one). It seems like circumstances conspired to keep a good thing out of your grasp and, so much of your life has now been defined by this relationship, you can't imagine going back.

 

Just remember, that there still can be happiness. No matter what, you won't go back to the way you were before. You've had the experience of this relationship which altered you for better or worse. Everything won't be the same.

 

It might be a stupid girl thing but I want to believe in fate and love.

 

Don't worry, a lot of guys believe it too. I think you kind of have to if you're going to give a long distance relationship a try.

 

I have to know I won't end up lonely.

 

You won't. But know that you may be lonely for a while. It's not gonna be easy. It's not gonna be fun. But it almost certainly will make you stronger.

 

 

I want to believe that if its meant to be we'll find a way again someday. Although that's kind of a destructive way to deal with a break-up

 

Tell me about it. I thought I was doing better until I saw on Facebook that my Ex had gotten back with her old boyfriend (the gay one who lives even further away from her than I do!). I suddenly started having serious panick attacks (really short of breath, starting to feel dizy) which hasn't happened to me for years. I clearly had not been prepared for that. What was worse, I almost wondered if she listed herself as back with him simply as a sign for me to move on (I know this theory sounds kind of self-absorbed but she really didn't seem fond of that guy).

 

Anyway, tonight was an odd night. I had a very long meeting downtown, and afterwards I stopped into a bar/cafe next door (the guy my meeting was with owns it and suggested I drop by before leaving). I grab a quick beer and, despite myself, end up chatting up a cute girl for most of the night. We hang out until about three, make-out a little bit, and swap numbers before heading home.

 

The annoying things is that I feel AMAZINGLY conflicted about the whole thing. On the one hand, it was great to feel attractive again, I had fun, she was cute, and it certainly does help with my confidence (I do believe this is the first time I've had ANY success meeting women at a bar). I'd like to see this girl again. I don't imagine or want anything serious but I have needs and think I'd be OK with a bit of a fling (I think she's also on the rebound too).

 

On the other hand, I also feel amazingly frightened about the whole thing mainly for the reasons you mentioned. I ask myself, "what if my EX really was the one for me and we're meant to be together?" What if later, we realize this, but then the fact that I slept with someone else while we were split ruins it? Then, of course, the logical part of my brain tells me it's stupid to stay celibate forever on the hope that I'll one day rekindle a relationship with my EX who cut contact and now claims to be with her old boyfriend.

 

I'm telling you all this for the simple fact that I'm guessing it's what you can expect as it seems our feelings on our past relationships are similar. At some point, you're probably not going to want to be with someone else, either seriously or casually, but will feel hesitant about it because you think it'll be a betrayal of your old relationship or further close the door to any kind of reconciliation.

 

I have no advice to give, only to share what i've experienced and let you know that, if you too have this happen, it's normal to be confused and you're not alone.