guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I was reading all of the different threads here and I noticed how people quickly jump to conclusions. Man + woman in private setting = affair. If I were to expose my situation on this board, I'm sure that everyone would want to shoot me. I have a married friend from out of town who comes here for business every month or so. She usually calls me up and we go for a nice dinner and then we go bar hopping. I've known her for about six months now and we have maintained our usual trend. We are just friends really but reading the threads on this board it seems like friendship between a man and a woman is impossible.
Milan721 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I was reading all of the different threads here and I noticed how people quickly jump to conclusions. Man + woman in private setting = affair. If I were to expose my situation on this board, I'm sure that everyone would want to shoot me. I have a married friend from out of town who comes here for business every month or so. She usually calls me up and we go for a nice dinner and then we go bar hopping. I've known her for about six months now and we have maintained our usual trend. We are just friends really but reading the threads on this board it seems like friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. You know whether or not you're having (or are heading towards) an affair. If your intentions are pure and you seek nothing but a platonic relationship, and you are fairly certain your married friend feels the same way - then there's probably no harm being done. But in all fairness, your W and her H should also know about and be comfortable with the situation. It gets shady when you feel the need to be secretive to your other half about your relationships with other women.
TMCM Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I was reading all of the different threads here and I noticed how people quickly jump to conclusions. Man + woman in private setting = affair. If I were to expose my situation on this board, I'm sure that everyone would want to shoot me. I have a married friend from out of town who comes here for business every month or so. She usually calls me up and we go for a nice dinner and then we go bar hopping. I've known her for about six months now and we have maintained our usual trend. We are just friends really but reading the threads on this board it seems like friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. Sexual intercourse may not be part of your get togethers, but what makes it an affair is if your encounters have purposely been kept a secret from both your spouses. Is that the case?
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Sexual intercourse may not be part of your get togethers, but what makes it an affair is if your encounters have purposely been kept a secret from both your spouses. Is that the case? I've been with my GF for a while but I'm not married. A man and a woman sharing dinner and going out until the last call will always raise suspicions. My GF knows about her but I usually skip a few details. As for her, I don't know what she tells her husband and I've never really asked. It's so difficult to maintain a friendship with someone of the opposite sex these days.
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 You know whether or not you're having (or are heading towards) an affair. If your intentions are pure and you seek nothing but a platonic relationship, and you are fairly certain your married friend feels the same way - then there's probably no harm being done. This is a tricky question. While both of us may have strictly platonic intentions, there is no doubt that attraction often exists between platonic friends. As a matter of fact, I think attraction even exists between same sex friends. Have you noticed how guys who hang out together often have the same level of attractiveness? In this day and age, it's tough to justify having one on one dinners with a friend of the opposite sex, simply because dinners have the "date" connotation.
carhill Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 It's not, really, if everyone is on the same page. Anyone you see that often should already have shared dinner at your or her and her husband's home. That's what friends do. I have a female friend who was a former love interest of mine years ago (she was married then so nothing happened) and we put together a couple dinners, both at home and out, to break the ice. She and my wife actually have a lot in common. Wish I could say the same for me and her boyfriend but that's not unusual for me Anyway, keep it all above board and you should be fine. I hope to re-establish many of the platonic female friendships I've had over the years that I gave up getting married and caring for my ill mother. I miss them.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 1)Does your wife know about her? Has she met her? 2)Do you think of her in a sexual way and have any intentions of hoping something will happen? 3)Are you emotionally attached to her, in the sense of having deep feelings for her? 4)Do you kiss/cuddle or hold hands with her? I think many people are mature enough and DO have man/woman friendships, but it's on the straight and narrow. There's a big difference between affair and friendship, most can tell the difference.
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 It's not, really, if everyone is on the same page. Anyone you see that often should already have shared dinner at your or her and her husband's home. That's what friends do. I have a female friend who was a former love interest of mine years ago (she was married then so nothing happened) and we put together a couple dinners, both at home and out, to break the ice. She and my wife actually have a lot in common. Wish I could say the same for me and her boyfriend but that's not unusual for me Anyway, keep it all above board and you should be fine. I hope to re-establish many of the platonic female friendships I've had over the years that I gave up getting married and caring for my ill mother. I miss them. I must admit I've never met her H and she's never met my GF. I never even thought about introducing her to my GF. If I expose the bare facts to this board, most people would think that an EA is happening. But I certainly do not feel that way.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Let's put it this way, when you go out with her, do you tell your gf who you're with? Does her H know you exist and does your gf know this woman exists? Not saying you're having an affair or anything like that, but I would hope that your partners atleast know OF the other person to some extent?
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 1)Does your wife know about her? Has she met her? 2)Do you think of her in a sexual way and have any intentions of hoping something will happen? 3)Are you emotionally attached to her, in the sense of having deep feelings for her? 4)Do you kiss/cuddle or hold hands with her? I think many people are mature enough and DO have man/woman friendships, but it's on the straight and narrow. There's a big difference between affair and friendship, most can tell the difference. 1) My GF knows about her but she has never met her. 2) I think of many, many women in a sexual way but would not act on it if I'm already in a relationship. 3) Oh no, not at all. 4) No kissing, no cuddling. Just late night drinks and going to clubs together. I agree with you that there's a big difference between affair and friendship. The challenge is that "friendly" behaviour depends from one person to the next. For example, going out until 3 am alone with a woman might be date territory for some while for others this is just being friendly. For most people a married woman should not have dinner and drinks alone with another man. The list goes on and on... For some people flirting is totally innocent while others will view this as a first step toward something else...
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 If I expose the bare facts to this board, most people would think that an EA is happening. But I certainly do not feel that way. What kind of bare facts are you talking about? And yes, chances are many would think you were having an unintentional EA. Those sneak up on ya and the next thing you know, feelings are being felt...Even if it isn't being discussed, the energy changes. Let me ask you this. If she kissed you, would you kiss her back? Or would you tell her no and then know that the platonic friendship is over and the line was crossed?
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Let's put it this way, when you go out with her, do you tell your gf who you're with? Does her H know you exist and does your gf know this woman exists? Not saying you're having an affair or anything like that, but I would hope that your partners atleast know OF the other person to some extent? Yes, she knows who I'm with but she doesn't know the entire context. I don't tell my GF I have dinner + late night drinks alone with my female friend. As for her H, I don't really know whether he knows about me or not.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 For some people flirting is totally innocent while others will view this as a first step toward something else... Yup. This is true, but situations like this can easily turn into something else and that's why it's important to have boundries and not cross the lines, as there are just some things that should never be talked about. If you and this girl hang out and laugh, have fun together as buddy's, there's nothing wrong with that.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I don't tell my GF I have dinner + late night drinks alone with my female friend. And why not? You think she will get jealous? Why not invite her along one day? Or is this female buddy of yours just someone you see every now and then? How often do you see this friend?
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 What kind of bare facts are you talking about? And yes, chances are many would think you were having an unintentional EA. Those sneak up on ya and the next thing you know, feelings are being felt...Even if it isn't being discussed, the energy changes. Let me ask you this. If she kissed you, would you kiss her back? Or would you tell her no and then know that the platonic friendship is over and the line was crossed? The bare facts are as follows: Man and woman work together for a few weeks. Then woman moves to another company but they keep in touch. Man and woman go out for dinner + late night drinks every month or so (maybe a bit less often). You are asking me a really tough question. I've never thought about the kissing part as it was never a possibility for me.
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 And why not? You think she will get jealous? Why not invite her along one day? Or is this female buddy of yours just someone you see every now and then? How often do you see this friend? Yes I think she would get jealous. I don't invite my GF along as my friend and I talk about work related stuff and she would get bored. I also feel we wouldn't be able to share the same kind of conversations if my GF was there. I see this friend perhaps once a month. We sometimes trade e-mails but nothing overwhelming (maybe twice a month).
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 For you. BUT, what about her? See, her being a married woman, especially, you two are putting yourselves in a situation that 'could' lead to something else. It's just best not to "go" there. If her husband doesn't have a clue she's out with some previous co-worker, a male one, then that is a problem too. Just like you not telling your gf. What kind of stuff do you two talk about? Or is it just fun and laughing? or do you consider her one of your "confidents" in your personal life? Be very careful about how much you two talk about on a personal level. WOMEN tend to get much more emotionally attached. It is natural too and unintentional, but that also opens the door to feelings....Hope this makes sense to you.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I also feel we wouldn't be able to share the same kind of conversations if my GF was there. I see this friend perhaps once a month. We sometimes trade e-mails but nothing overwhelming (maybe twice a month). If your gf stumbled across one or two of her emails, would everything be alright? Or would you feel weird and uncomfortable, like you and this woman have talked abit inappropriately? What type of conversations, besides the work stuff?
carhill Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 OP, from reading the other threads you've posted on and, if you are having some issues in your R, be sure to tread carefully. My wife and I are in MC (mostly to do with the stress from my caring for my mom) and I have to be exceedingly careful to be above board with all my contacts. The important thing is full disclosure. I treat my female friend the same as my wife's girlfriends and my friends wives, both in affection and and demeanor. I am closer to her so share things like my wife might with a girlfriend, but the relationship goes on in full view of my wife and her boyfriend. If you naturally relate better to women (as I do), don't apologize or feel guilty about your friendships. Even if you had or do have some physical attraction, it isn't hard to manage if you are mature about it. Emotions follow actions. Remain true to your principals and your emotions will follow. I've had a few rough spots but have managed. I asked my friend awhile back if had ever "hit on" her during our very long friendship and she said "no". Don't know whether that's a good thing or not ...
Melvll Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 If you are willing to have a friendship with this women I think you guys should have the talk.. make it very clear that you are just friends.. I do believe your parnters should be aware of this as well. I put myself into your gfs shoes I would not be happy even thaugh there is no affaire... I dont know maybe shes not the jalouse type. Think this through .. if she would kiss you .. ya gotta know if youd kiss her or not. Sounds like you are unsure of your current gf thaugh .. even thaugh your not cheating. Is there something missing in your relationship that you get from this girl??
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 If you naturally relate better to women (as I do), don't apologize or feel guilty about your friendships. Even if you had or do have some physical attraction, it isn't hard to manage if you are mature about it. Emotions follow actions. Remain true to your principals and your emotions will follow. I've had a few rough spots but have managed. I asked my friend awhile back if had ever "hit on" her during our very long friendship and she said "no". Don't know whether that's a good thing or not ... Yes, but he shouldn't be hiding the friendship from his girlfriend. I do agree with your post though..
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 What kind of stuff do you two talk about? Or is it just fun and laughing? or do you consider her one of your "confidents" in your personal life? Be very careful about how much you two talk about on a personal level. WOMEN tend to get much more emotionally attached. It is natural too and unintentional, but that also opens the door to feelings....Hope this makes sense to you. It does actually. Thanks for your perspective on this. I don't go into the gory details but she is aware of the tough times I've been going through with my GF. We talk about our perspective on work, life, everything. When we go for dinner we can talk for hours and I honestly don't really remember the details all that well as we cover so much. She seems like a strong woman who's in a decent marriage so I never entertained the possibility that she could develop feelings for me. We also don't communicate all that often so I think that's important factor as well.
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 If your gf stumbled across one or two of her emails, would everything be alright? Or would you feel weird and uncomfortable, like you and this woman have talked abit inappropriately? What type of conversations, besides the work stuff? The e-mails aren't incriminating at all. They are "cute" and "playful" at worst.
carhill Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 He needs to get past the hump of "things aren't going so hot in my R right now and I don't want to make it worse". I dealt with that through full disclosure. I have a feeling the OP might have more in common with me than visible at first blush, and I'm not talking about friendship issues. OP, what is your history with women? Lots of friends (by choice) and relatively few romances in comparison? If so, I can likely help you.
Author guy.lepage Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 OP, from reading the other threads you've posted on and, if you are having some issues in your R, be sure to tread carefully. My wife and I are in MC (mostly to do with the stress from my caring for my mom) and I have to be exceedingly careful to be above board with all my contacts. The important thing is full disclosure. I treat my female friend the same as my wife's girlfriends and my friends wives, both in affection and and demeanor. I am closer to her so share things like my wife might with a girlfriend, but the relationship goes on in full view of my wife and her boyfriend. If you naturally relate better to women (as I do), don't apologize or feel guilty about your friendships. Even if you had or do have some physical attraction, it isn't hard to manage if you are mature about it. Emotions follow actions. Remain true to your principals and your emotions will follow. I've had a few rough spots but have managed. I asked my friend awhile back if had ever "hit on" her during our very long friendship and she said "no". Don't know whether that's a good thing or not ... Thanks. My GF and I are going through a rough time but this friendship started several months ago, while my relationship was still in very good shape. I understand your point about how you relate to your female friends as if they were your wife's friend and must say I'm not up to your standards here. I do keep this friendship to myself simply because I appreciate the one on one conversations that we have. It allows me to talk freely. It's not that I'm hiding her from my GF. I just wouldn't take any of my guy friends to these dinners either simply because it wouldn't feel right.
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