Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) Hey everyone...I'm new to this site but have been reading some interesting insight so I was hoping to get some perspective on my situation, so here goes...Sorry it's a little long...please bear with me I met this guy at the beginning of February so 2 months ago through a mutual friend and we ended up having sex the second night we hung out. He was super hot, great personality and we had great chemistry so I was ok with having some "fun" so he ends up contacting me the next week saying "Hey babe how's your week been" and so the cycle begins...basically for the past two months our communication consists of "Hey pretty girl, what's your week look like?" We'll text back and forth and then make plans for drinks during the week and then we have sex...let me rephrase, HOT sex...so I was thinking this was a "casual sex relationship" As much as I was ok with casual (he's leaving for job training for 6 months at the end of may and i'm moving to another city before he gets back) there is a part of me that is feeling a little attached...duh! So even though we're casual I guess I dont understand why he woudn't want to like go out w/ me on the weekends...like w/ his friends and stuff. We have a blast together, love to dance, and I've hung out w/ his friends before (when we first met) so I dont see the problem w/ casually getting drunk together...it's not like i'm asking him to take me on 5 star dinner dates. So last week I actually did go out w/ him and his friends and we had a blast but this week he texts me at like 9:30 after he'd been out w/ his friends and was like "I just got done watching the game at *insert bar* and just pulled up to my place...u want 2 do anything tonight...cuz i sure do ;)" So I guess i'm worried that he's trying to put me in the booty call category vs. the casual relationship category...opinions??? How do I keep things from going south and turning into strickly booty calls??? Edited March 31, 2008 by Noelle_eds
norajane Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 How do I keep things from going south and turning into strickly booty calls???You say no to the booty calls. And you invite him out instead. "Sorry, I can't meet you tonight, but I'm going out to xyz tomorrow for drinks and dancing. Come out and meet me there." Or when he ask you what's going on for the week, tell him what's going on and where to meet you. Or ask him what he has in mind so he can tell you where he's going to be to meet up with him. You can include your girlfriends in any or all of the above meetings, like if you're going out with your friends, he can meet up with you there. Or if he's going to be somewhere, you and your girls can go there. He's not asking you to join him to hang out and whatnot because he's out there trying to pick up other women. If he doesn't succeed, then he calls you for the booty call....
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Thanks for the advice and I totally agree that I need to say no if he texts me again w/ out making plans...I was just unsure of how to say no w/out him thinking I've lost interest...b/c in all fairness I dont' want to lose the hot sex, I really have a lot of fun hooking up. So should I be blunt about it like..."Tonights not good, let's get drinks on *insert day* Also...I guess I dont see why he'd be out looking for someone else to hook up w/ when he could hook up w/ me...and trust me I know he's very satisfied...I know he's not looking for a relationship so wouldnt it just be easier to hang out w/ me? He hung out w/ me that one night w/ his friends...so why not again?
TheFonz Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Whether the relation is casual sex or not, I don't see how booty calls or not make a difference one way or the other. It doesn't identify what kind of relationship it is casual or commited. It only defines the method leading up to a sex romp. You can do it the easy way or the slow and hard way each and every time, whether the relationship is casual or commited. It seems silly and too controlling to say no booty calls, either way. And if it's casual what is the purpose? Other than to make it not casual.
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Well the difference is I enjoy getting a few drinks before hand and just enjoying each others company vs. him going out and having drinks w/ his buddies then calling me (which has really only happened once...i just dont want it to go in that direction from here on out). The first way it's like mutual casual sex but the other way I feel like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.
TheFonz Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Thanks for the advice and I totally agree that I need to say no if he texts me again w/ out making plans...I was just unsure of how to say no w/out him thinking I've lost interest...b/c in all fairness I dont' want to lose the hot sex, I really have a lot of fun hooking up. So then why are you saying no then again? So should I be blunt about it like..."Tonights not good, let's get drinks on *insert day* And he's suppose to be willing and happy with that. Maybe he won't be in the mood then or can't go out for whatever reason. So much for spontaniety. Boring. Also...I guess I dont see why he'd be out looking for someone else to hook up w/ when he could hook up w/ me... Apparently he can't because you said no. and trust me I know he's very satisfied...I know he's not looking for a relationship so wouldnt it just be easier to hang out w/ me? If he's not looking for a relationship and you're fine with that, then why are you trying to make it a relationship? He hung out w/ me that one night w/ his friends...so why not again? Maybe he wants to hang out with just his friends and not with you there sometimes? I do have to say though he probably should've called you earlier so that you maybe could og hung out and then that would've magically made it OK to have sex that night. But can you blame him for the confusion? It's not really clear what you want yourself.
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I've been out w/ friends before on the weekend and texted him something naughty and we hooked up and had great sex...so i'm cool w/ spontaneity however, I just don't want it to get to the point where that's all it ever is. For the past two months we've had a good system...we make plans for drinks, we have drinks and then we go back to one of our places and I just don't want that to change to simply booty calls...you see what I'm saying? This is the first week he's made it a "booty call" but to be fair to him...i said no and then the next night i texted him "What are you doing tonight" and he was like I'm have some ritas at..." and i was like do you know if your going out after...and he was like not sure yet i'll let you know when we figure it out..so then he freaking texts me 2 hrs later and is like looks like we're still out...about to close my tab...you still up...and i don't see why like last week he couldnt have been like yeah we're about to head to...blank meet us there...which is how it went down last week. Nonetheless I let him come over that night...a first time "booty call" and I just dont want it to continue that way...so my question is how to keep it from being strictly that...i'm ok w/ the occasional fun booty call...i just dont' want ONLY that.
norajane Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 So should I be blunt about it like..."Tonights not good, let's get drinks on *insert day* Yes, be clear about what you want. Since he's contacting you early in the week and asking what's going on, it should be easy for you to say, "I'm going to wherever on Friday - meet me at 9." or to ask him where he's going to be. Also...I guess I dont see why he'd be out looking for someone else to hook up w/ when he could hook up w/ me...and trust me I know he's very satisfied...I know he's not looking for a relationship so wouldnt it just be easier to hang out w/ me? He hung out w/ me that one night w/ his friends...so why not again? He's not looking for a relationship, so he could be looking for multiple women to have sex with. It doesn't matter if he likes sex with you - he could also want sex with other women too. As far as what's easier, if he knows he has you as a back-up booty call if he doesn't find another woman to hook up with, what's hard about that? Nothing.
norajane Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I've been out w/ friends before on the weekend and texted him something naughty and we hooked up and had great sex...so i'm cool w/ spontaneity So it sounds like YOU started the booty call stuff, and he took your cue and followed up with his own booty call.
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I know...I know...I did start it...bad me! Like I said nothing is wrong w/ occasionally making it fun and random...I just want to make sure it doens't turn into only that. But I think the best thing for me to do is what you suggested first...to tell him somethign like Yeah I'm going to go to__ on __ if you want to meet up then...sounds good to me. I guess I thought i was ok w/ this casual sex thing b/c it was fun and hot...but I'm used to the guys usually falling for me (not to sound conceited AT ALL...but I'm generally the relationship type so most casual things usually turn into relationships...by the guys choice) This is my first real "casual relationship" I guess that's why this one is throwing me for a loop. Again I know it can't go anywhere...w/ our schedules and all...but we have soo much in common and somewhat similar circles...so it's hard for me to keep things black and white. I dont see how I"m the only one having a problem doing that...how can a decent well rounded guy not develop some feelings after 2-3 of consistent sex...and not just the wham bam thank you ma'am type of sex.
TheFonz Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I've been out w/ friends before on the weekend and texted him something naughty and we hooked up and had great sex...so i'm cool w/ spontaneity however, I just don't want it to get to the point where that's all it ever is. For the past two months we've had a good system...we make plans for drinks, we have drinks and then we go back to one of our places and I just don't want that to change to simply booty calls...you see what I'm saying? This is the first week he's made it a "booty call" but to be fair to him...i said no and then the next night i texted him "What are you doing tonight" and he was like I'm have some ritas at..." and i was like do you know if your going out after...and he was like not sure yet i'll let you know when we figure it out..so then he freaking texts me 2 hrs later and is like looks like we're still out...about to close my tab...you still up...and i don't see why like last week he couldnt have been like yeah we're about to head to...blank meet us there...which is how it went down last week. Nonetheless I let him come over that night...a first time "booty call" and I just dont want it to continue that way...so my question is how to keep it from being strictly that...i'm ok w/ the occasional fun booty call...i just dont' want ONLY that. So you been going on these "dates" for 2 months. You even did a bootycall to him first, but that's OK if you do it. And for the first time he does it you are debating putting a stop to it? Sounds like you ae creating problems out of thin air. You want a claim it's casual but then require dates every time indefinetly. That's having your cake and eating it too. I don't even see the point, but I guess that's the way you want it.
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I guess if i'm being perfectly honest with myself and everyone I do want a relationship...like i said not the call everyday, go to dinner and movies type...but at least one where we hang out on the weekends and stuff. He makes an effort to text me and stuff like when he's on business trips...he travels alot...so he'll text me at the airport and stuff...when there is obviously goign to be no sex to follow...he's confusing me!!! I'm not completely at fault here...man I'm rambling...or venting more like it!
TheFonz Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 ...how can a decent well rounded guy not develop some feelings after 2-3 of consistent sex...and not just the wham bam thank you ma'am type of sex. Most guys just can, and some women can too. It takes more than just sex with a girl to feel something for her.
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 So you been going on these "dates" for 2 months. You even did a bootycall to him first, but that's OK if you do it. And for the first time he does it you are debating putting a stop to it? Sounds like you ae creating problems out of thin air. You want a claim it's casual but then require dates every time indefinetly. That's having your cake and eating it too. I don't even see the point, but I guess that's the way you want it. No, no, no...I don't want to put a stop to it...I just want to make sure it doesn't turn into something where there is not mutual respect. I know I totally am the one that started it and it's cool if he does it sometimes...like I'm sure I'll do it sometimes. The difference is that when I booty call him, I'd much rather have already been hanging out w/ him..it's not like i'm all like trying to get mine and then meet up w/ him later. If it were up to me, we would have already met up at the bar and then went home together vs. waiting till 2 which is when I texted him that one time. I def. don't need a date everytime...I just dont' want them to stop and turn into only booty calls...do you see what i'm saying Fonz?
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 \ It takes more than just sex with a girl to feel something for her. Like what, for example?
Jilly Bean Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Noelle - this seems very simple to me. He has told you he does not want a relationship. You admit you want a relationship. He is content to booty call you. You now want more than a booty call. See where this is going? You already established the rules of the game, and now you want to change them. I doubt you will find much success in altering this dynamic. If I were you, I'd see two choices. 1-continue to be his booty call, since you love the hot sex and you are both leaving the area soon, or 2-end it now before you wind up hurt.
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Well we've never had the "i dont want a relationship" talk...I just assumed as I'm sure he assumed that from me...seeing as how we both know the situations we're in...and you're right...I do have those two choices and that's the only reason I allowed myself to stay in this casual relationship because I knew there was no real potential b/c of timing. If it were a guy who was available and was not moving or I wasn't moving I dont think I could continue this cycle indefinetly...but I guess for now...I'll just enjoy the hot sex. I think it's a pride thing...it's like well I have the personality, the intelligence and I know he's extremely attracted to me...so I think it's partly a game to me...like I want to prove to myself I can make him want me more than just for sex...grr Also I've only booty called him once...and as of now he's only booty called me once....
Jilly Bean Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Well, then learn from this. The take-away is that you are not built for a casual sexual thing (few women are, so don't be upset by it). So, maybe next time you are interested in someone, hold off on the sex. Have him take you on proper dates. Let him get to know you and you him, and THEN give him the prize, once you know you are exclusive and working towards something bigger. Remember - we teach people how to treat us... Present yourself like relationship/gf material, and the right guys will fall into place.
Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Noelle - this seems very simple to me. He has told you he does not want a relationship. You admit you want a relationship. He is content to booty call you. You now want more than a booty call. See where this is going? You already established the rules of the game, and now you want to change them. I doubt you will find much success in altering this dynamic. If I were you, I'd see two choices. 1-continue to be his booty call, since you love the hot sex and you are both leaving the area soon, or 2-end it now before you wind up hurt. JB is right on, Noelle! Listen to her, she's a smart cookie.
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Yay Star Gazer...I'm glad you joined my thread I've actually read some of your replies and like what you have to say! We never had the talk though...so I'm confused If I'm just his booty call (fyi...the booty call thing has only happened once...other than that we have always made plans) he shouldn't tell me he's going to miss me when he leaves for his business trips! Given...he's probably implying he's going to miss the sex but nonetheless he's breaking rules too! It's so hard to keep really passionate thoughtful sex seperate from emotions...grr! One night when I stayed w/ him he even told me to wait till he packed for his trip before I left...so I just hung out while he packed and sort of helped him get organized! Men are just so confusing! And thanks for the advice Jilly bean...I appreciate it =)
Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Yay Star Gazer...I'm glad you joined my thread I've actually read some of your replies and like what you have to say! Thanks! That's a first!! Okay. Well... I honestly don't see a difference between a "booty call" and a "casual sexual relationship." They're both a FWB, aren't they? No strings, no commitment, no obligations, no "talk." And IME, once you're in this position, there's pretty much no way of transitioning into a real relationship. We never had the talk though...so I'm confused If I'm just his booty call (fyi...the booty call thing has only happened once...other than that we have always made plans) he shouldn't tell me he's going to miss me when he leaves for his business trips! Given...he's probably implying he's going to miss the sex but nonetheless he's breaking rules too! What "rules" do you think he is breaking? Why shouldn't he tell you he's going to miss the sex?? He is. That's what he's getting from you, and he likes it. I know it's hard to be in your shoes, but it's a really simple situation from an outsider's perspective. This isn't going anywhere with him. It's so hard to keep really passionate thoughtful sex seperate from emotions...grr! Right. That's why I save both for a worthwhile relationship.
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Yeah at Jilly said...I'll learn from this and never do "casual" again...I'm usually a relationship type of girl. I just got out of a smothering relationship so I didn't think I even wanted a relationship...but I guess I'm the type the innately wants companionship...I guess we'll see what happens between now and May, haha!
Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Yeah at Jilly said...I'll learn from this and never do "casual" again...I'm usually a relationship type of girl. I just got out of a smothering relationship so I didn't think I even wanted a relationship...but I guess I'm the type the innately wants companionship...I guess we'll see what happens between now and May, haha! And ya know what? There's nothing wrong with being a "relationship-type" girl. I am, and I'm proud of it. In the past I pretended to myself that I was capable of a FWB arrangement, and for a short while I handled it well. But over time, I found myself longing for and craving companionship and commitment...so now, that's what I seek. Hot sex with a hot guy just isn't enough. If you ever forget, just remember there is a sort of reverse-formula to finding a relationship: don't get caught up in a FWB situation!
Author Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Thanks SG! Well said...since there's only been one incident of pure booty call behaviour I'm just going to follow the advice of an earlier poster and make it clear I want us to have plans before we hang out...if he's not cool w/ that...then peace out. I just won't let this happen again! I just feel like the last couple of guys I dated...even the guy i was in a relationship with...I didn't have that chemistry w/, then a guys comes along I click with and he's not looking for a relationship (from his actions)...just my luck! My best friend says...Noelle, maybe he thinks you don't want to hang out w/ him...you need to make an effort and be like what are you doing tonight...but I feel like I dont really want to push myself or be forward if he doesn't want me there...her response to that would be...how do you know he doens't want you there...he might think you have your own plans...aaaaaaaah
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