juneau Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I'm in love with my ex-boyfriend and would like some advice on how to approach him now. We dated for 4 years, then broke up 10 years ago, were friends for the next 7 years, haven't spoken for the last 3 years, but recently started communicating again through email. During the 7-year friendship period, it was pretty apparent that we still had feelings for each other. But we were both hesitant at various times or dating other people. I moved 1000 miles away, returned to school, started a new career, and just generally grew up and matured. He got his priorities straight and grew up as well. But he has a girlfriend now and I'm still living with my boyfriend of 5.5. years. Over the last several months, I've realized that I've outgrown my current relationship and am unhappy in this city. I am taking steps to save money so I can end this soon and move back to my hometown. Now that we're over 30 and I've got more relationship experience and more patience and maturity under my belt, I'm kicking myself for not having appreciated the ex enough. He is one of the most wonderful men I've ever met; there is something about his essence and who he is as a person that grabs hold of me. I've talked to some friends about this and they all express how well-suited we are to each other and that they always wished we'd both grow up and get back together. And this rekindled friendship underscores that - long emails full of personality and warmth. He is encouraging of me moving back to town. He even said that he was in my city last summer and is upset he didn't know I was living here. The problem is that neither of us mentions the SOs at all. I think it's still too painful to hear about each other's love life. I have no idea how serious his relationship is. I know that mine is about to end and we'll be in the same city again. And I could probably use some time on my own to recover from this relationship before jumping into another one. So could he. But I don't want to let him slip away or have bad timing again. I don't want to do anything to break the two of them up because I'm not evil or manipulative. But, if it does end, I want to be around. So, how do I maintain a friendship with him without denying my feelings or placing him in a terrible position? Should I be honest with him about how I feel? One of his hallmarks is the incredibly high priority he places on honesty and being upfront with people. Should I keep some distance? What if knowing how I feel would change how he feels about his current relationship? I also don't want to alienate him and blow the friendship. I have missed him like crazy these past 3 years - just being his friend and having him in my life. He is such a special person and means the absolute world to me. I'm willing to wait. I just want to know what's the best way to go about doing that.
witabix Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You are in a hard place. His honesty is probably backed with a sense of comittment, telling him how you feel may make a difference to how he feels for his current SO. So don't do that. If you think his R will fade away, wait until this happens naturally, you said you are prepared to wait, you may have to. And you may have to face the fact that you will be waiting for a long time. My heart does go out to you though, if you wait and behave honourably you wil be rewarded.
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