White Flower Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 When/how/where do you plan to give the news to your lady? I feel like I need popcorn! I'll buy the soda and jujyfruits!
carhill Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I think I'll decide for myself what support is rather than having you think for me , sir
White Flower Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I think you're on exactly the right path. Pursue this belief with full passion and commitment, accept the consequences and live the rest of your life with the satisfaction of knowing you gave it your all. If your lady does not want you, and only you, then you can break your emotional bond with her and become available to a very fortunate lady in your new home. I've long sensed a gentleman here, tempered by the discipline of being in harm's way in service of our country. You have my gratitude and I wish you well I like Carhill's train of thought because let's say she treats you, LSD, terribly and you see her 'bad' side. This could very well help you to get over her and find dare I say a better love. Go for it. ONTH, if her H loses out it was his own doing.
White Flower Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Enigma, want to thrown in a bad marriage to a woman with undiagnosed mental emotional problems too? Seriously, being lonely for a particular person isn't necessairly a mental defect. Dealing with everyday life in a less than Zanex or talk therapy induced fevor likewise isn't a sign of being mentally ill. I am not and have not been a compulsive in my life. While not happy or full of joy, I'm not depressed. Falling in love with an unavailable person isn't a mental defect. It's a happenstance of life. These are very strong points. And I haven't read the entire thread yet, but so far I haven't seen any mention of soul-mates. Anyone who rolls their eyes at that surely hasn't felt as strong a connection and I feel sorry for them, truly.
Author LakesideDream Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 (edited) These are very strong points. And I haven't read the entire thread yet, but so far I haven't seen any mention of soul-mates. Anyone who rolls their eyes at that surely hasn't felt as strong a connection and I feel sorry for them, truly. WF, I never used the term "soul mate" because for the first 50 years of my life I had no reason to believe that such an idealic state could exist., although I was familiar with the concept. I can understand many here who believe hit's hooey, or an endorphine induced state, and was hesitant to use the term. I thought I had described the "state" with clairity. I loved my ex-wife very much, more in fact as each month passed I had to work at it. And I did. Given a choice 9 years ago, we would have lived as happily as possible for us, forever. Heck, she kept her secrets so well that sh fooled every friend and family member we shared. I also remember clearly, standing before the alter, actually forming these words outloud privately in my brain. "I hope she (the woman I was about to exchange vows with) can love me as much as ***** (gf) did, and meaning each word. It only took 3 seconds for me to personally realize that "soul mates" did exist. .... and that I had one all along. Whatever else happens, two people who share those feelings for a lifetime cannot reject, or unnecessairily hurt each other. They can however choose not to act on their feelings. It's possible, even very possible that one or both of us will decide to do just that, not act on our feelings. I have known for my total adult life that the possiblilty was there. Acting is the only reasonable avenue for me to take. Not acting at all, allowing myself to be defeated by aprehension or fear is totally unacceptable to me. Edited April 1, 2008 by LakesideDream
NoIDidn't Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I understand. Self medicating and fantasy escapism is one way a lot of folks deal with clinical depression when given a lack of options. But any room in your busy schedule to consider a healthier and more permanent solution to the funk your in before it escalates? Like seeing a professional? Sometimes when we’ve expended so much of ourselves rescuing another (your son and this other woman ) it’s easy to become so fixated and distracted by the other person(s) that somewhere along the line you fail to recognize that you’ve become ill, too. What an awesome post!!!!
NoIDidn't Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 LSD Acknowledging that you are a hypocrite doesn't excuse it. Just like in the "Blame Game" thread, you are rationalizing your actions. Your happiness should not come at the expense of her M. We are all hypocritical at times, but this isn't a time when its understandable or excusable. Comparing yourself to her H by your semi-retiredness vs. his chronically unemployedness only makes it seem that you are making the case that you are the better man. And maybe you are, but she is married to him and not you. I just don't see this ending well. But you are a grown man who has survived worse, so.......
NoIDidn't Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 On still loving a previous lover. Right (kind of love) or wrong (kind of love), I have had strong feelings for many before being married. Mainly two men. What did I do? Accept that the love (right or wrong) will always be there and go with my future with the man I chose to love. I believe that we choose who we love. We all do. LSD is lying to himself if he thinks otherwise because he wants to feed his addiction to this MW. He chose for years to work on a M with his W before he accepted the reality that it was over. He chose to accept that reality. He chose to work on the M. And, right now, he is choosing to violate someone elses M. Love is a verb. Therefore, a chosen action. A chosen course of action. Not something we stumble into.
nadiaj2727 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 ONTH, if her H loses out it was his own doing. Oh of course it's always the spouse's fault. Take some personal responsibility LSD. You acknowledge you're a hyprocrite because you are doing the same thing you hated that your wife did to you. Did you think that was all your fault? Of course not. Did you think he should leave you and your family alone? Of course. Then you should have the decency and respect for their marriage that you wish the OM in your situation would have had and stay out. Otherwise you are just as bad as the OM and your wife were when she was cheating on you... come on man be better than that! It sounds from your "backstory" post that you have relied on this MW to help you feel better about your own situation. I think you should rely on *yourself* and not to another person. I don't think you should continue to let yourself be dragged down to a cheater's level just because it helps you feel better about being cheated on in the past.
White Flower Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Oh of course it's always the spouse's fault. I don't believe it's always the spouse's fault, but I do in this case. When a man can't or won't keep a steady job and the responsibility falls on his wife's shoulders again and again the marriage is bound to be tried. When women make the same money as men it won't be as trying.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 (edited) I also remember clearly, standing before the alter, actually forming these words outloud privately in my brain. "I hope she (the woman I was about to exchange vows with) can love me as much as ***** (gf) did, and meaning each word. 1). this should have been your first clue as to your inability to be fair and honest about your so called love of your soon to be wife. It only took 3 seconds for me to personally realize that "soul mates" did exist. .... and that I had one all along. 2). so - you never loved your wife the way she deserved to be loved because your heart belonged to someone else all along. Whatever else happens, two people who share those feelings for a lifetime cannot reject, or unnecessairily hurt each other. 3). sure they can - if they don't act or react to history... but only acknowledge that it is history. it is what it is... Acting is the only reasonable avenue for me to take. Not acting at all, allowing myself to be defeated by aprehension or fear is totally unacceptable to me. 4). wow! what a selfish attitude... go ahead - you seem to be driven by a selfish nature as of late. justifying it too. Edited April 5, 2008 by 2sunny
Author LakesideDream Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 4). wow! what a selfish attitude... go ahead - you seem to be driven by a selfish nature as of late. justifying it too. I call B.S. on this one. I was married for a very long time, (25 years) and while the first few years, before the kids came things were a little rocky. I didn't know she had reconnected with her high school BF, (who had also married) during that "rocky" time. I worked very hard during my marriage. By the time I found out that the first child was on the way I was dedicated to my then wife, and our marriage completely. I not only loved and supported her completely, I drove across town almost every night just before bedtime for "special" burritos and nacho's when she was preggers (joking but it did happen). I was there for the classes, and the births of both our children before it was "in vogue". I worked double shifts so she could be a full time stay at home Mom for a decade after the second child was born. I came home and did all I could to lighten her load and give her time "with her girlfriends" (yea right) and to have as satasfying a social life as a young mother could have. I ditched a great position to move accross the state to where her best female friend lived when the kids were 10 because it was important to her. I loved and respected her more than any person I had ever met. In fact as I matured, I found that there were depths to my love and emotions that I couldn't have understood on the day we were married. I was deeply in love with her on the day she announced that she "needed space to see if she could be successful on her own", I continued heartbroken to support that request on her part for two weeks until she modified the "needed space to find out if she could be successful on her own" to I need the space to live happily ever after with my High School boyfriend, who BTW I've been fornicating (use the shortened form) with for 23 years of our marriage. You were just a sperm donor. I didn't love her after that night. I was totally committed the day I was married. I did have a pang of regret that there was one that "got away" due to my immaturity 8 years, 3.5 years of combat, more years of getting back to "normal" in between. I shared this on LS because I thought it mattered. I personally think it does. Am I acting selfish, yes I am. I've done the best I can in my life, I'm a few days from 58 years of age, and I want a chance to be happy, to live "happily ever after".. a night, a week, a month... maybe more. I've been moral and responsible forever, sacrificing myself for my family. I'm up to here with that and want to be happy for me.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 i posted four responses LD- go back and read 1-4 (not just #4). maybe it will allow you to see my perspective - your doubt was there all along and she may have recognized it... even though you played the role of good husband throughout... either way - still no reason to go stepping into another marriage out of selfishness... JMO
Author LakesideDream Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 i posted four responses LD- go back and read 1-4 (not just #4). maybe it will allow you to see my perspective - your doubt was there all along and she may have recognized it... even though you played the role of good husband throughout... either way - still no reason to go stepping into another marriage out of selfishness... JMO I've read them 2Sunny, and I don't believe you get it. I didn't "play the role" of a good husband, I was a good husband who loved my now ex wife with total dedication, loyalty, and passion. I wasn't the same person at 30 that I was at 25 when I married her. We you the same person at 30 that you were at 25? Maturity is a gradually aquired state. I firmly believe that you are what you live. Overall I understand your "perspective" and readily admit that it has merit. I began this thread as a cathartic, feeling that it was necessary to admit my failings to the online community that I am an active participant in. I am not and was not trolling for acceptance. Were I an objective outside observer of my situation I would have serious reservations about the situation. Being a long time participant, having the "inside" information that I have, and have attempted to share as much as possible my "reservations" might be tempered. Might be. While I may be a callous cad, I am trying to be a forthwright one.
Never_Again Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I'm taking a break from packing my rental truck for the "big move". For the last few days I've been thinking about the comments on my other thread "Bought a new home today, the adventure begins". As a LS'er for a few years now, I've been a pretty harsh voice on Infidelity and Homewrecking in general. After my divorce 8 years ago, I was a pretty bitter guy. An old flame (first love) from 30+ years before and I reconnected for a few months of white hot affair (long distance) and continued to stay in touch with varying frequency over the next 7 years. Currently I am packing up my life to move to where she lives (and presumably is still living with her Husband). Years ago I had no expectation I would ever be able to make such a move. It was literally impossible. Eventually I recovered from the chaos of a failed 25 year marriage financially, and a window of oppertunity now allows me to make the move appeared. I stepped through it. Now one of my goals is to present myself, be available to her and hope she chooses to join me for our "golden years". I know it's "wrong" I know it will hurt her husband. I know she makes me happy and that I love her. I know I'm a hypocrite. For that I apologise to all my fellow LS'ers. Wow, I had no idea!! You are a hypocrite!! (no offense!).
Author LakesideDream Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 Wow, I had no idea!! You are a hypocrite!! (no offense!). Never Again, I'm not offended at all. I put the situation out there for any and all to read. I have been a reader here for over 3 years and a contributor for 2 years. I believe the community deserved "full disclosure" of the changes in my life that effect my participation in the community. Note: in our "other thread" conflicts I never critisized you for falling in love, neither did I critisize you for following your heart, and becoming the mother of your son. Our differences, subsequently turning out to be erronious stemmed from what happened later, after your relationship with your MM came to an end. I know with absolute certainty that there are few things worse than living a life without romantic love. I know with equal certainty that the feeling becomes worse with advancing age, and uncertainty. One of the ways to judge the depth of a persons love for another is to see what happens when you are forced apart. I don't want anyone to experiance the feelings that I have for the past 7 years. It's worse than heart failure, strep infections, or unsuccessful spinal surgery... that I can tell you for certain! Good luck to you. Any gal as intellegent, and focused as you are will not find it difficult to gravitate toward an equally intellegent and focused man. Just beware of the frauds who are lurking. They are good at fooling you, (or me, or any of us) and keeping the secret until they have drawn the life literally out of us. Take note of the "little" things, often they open windows into the reality of a situation, and are visible because they are most often left unguarded.
OpenBook Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Am I acting selfish, yes I am. I've done the best I can in my life, I'm a few days from 58 years of age, and I want a chance to be happy, to live "happily ever after".. a night, a week, a month... maybe more. I've been moral and responsible forever, sacrificing myself for my family. I'm up to here with that and want to be happy for me. And if it doesn't work out for you and your MW, will you be OK with that? Do you think you can still find happiness in life without her?
Author LakesideDream Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 And if it doesn't work out for you and your MW, will you be OK with that? Do you think you can still find happiness in life without her? OpenBook, Yes I will be "OK" with it. I am a reality based person. If I do the best I am able to in a given situation I don't come apart if the results are not what I had hoped for or expected. Can I find happiness without her? That I am not sure about. What I do know from experiance is that I have not been able to get past my feelings for her. I have not been able to participate fully in a relationship with another woman. I always found myself feeling vicerally that I was betraying my love for her which destroyed any chance I had of connecting fully with anyone else. If I am rejected by her (which has not happened to date), perhaps I will become free to relax, and experiance things with someone new. If rejection is the case, I certainly hope that I will be able to move on. Time will tell eh?
OpenBook Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 OpenBook, Yes I will be "OK" with it. I am a reality based person. If I do the best I am able to in a given situation I don't come apart if the results are not what I had hoped for or expected. Can I find happiness without her? That I am not sure about. What I do know from experiance is that I have not been able to get past my feelings for her. I have not been able to participate fully in a relationship with another woman. I always found myself feeling vicerally that I was betraying my love for her which destroyed any chance I had of connecting fully with anyone else. If I am rejected by her (which has not happened to date), perhaps I will become free to relax, and experiance things with someone new. If rejection is the case, I certainly hope that I will be able to move on. Time will tell eh? I hear you. I find your situation and outlook fascinating, because I am facing the same thing (can't get past my feelings for someone who is unavailable) but have chosen a different path (I've chosen not to do anything about it). I don't know which one of us is the more doomed.:D Time will indeed tell.
Author LakesideDream Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 I hear you. I find your situation and outlook fascinating, because I am facing the same thing (can't get past my feelings for someone who is unavailable) but have chosen a different path (I've chosen not to do anything about it). I don't know which one of us is the more doomed.:D Time will indeed tell. Open Book, I choose to do nothing as you have.. for six plus years. That time is over now. One is only "doomed" when they go passively to the slaughter.
OpenBook Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Open Book, I choose to do nothing as you have.. for six plus years. That time is over now. One is only "doomed" when they go passively to the slaughter. Are you encouraging me to do something about my feelings for him? I'm not sure I agree with you that I'm "going passively to the slaughter." Sometimes, doing nothing is the best thing to do. But I don't know ANYTHING for sure. And I may change my mind about all this tomorrow. You seem to be much more resolute about all this than I am. Fascinating...
GreenEyedLady Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I've been reading through this thread and I find it funny that no one realizes that EVERYONE is a hypocrite at some point of their life... Life has a funny way of knocking you down a notch when you need it... The best thing to do is to realize your faults and do your best with what you have...No one's perfect...LSD at least you "get" it...Lots of people don't... Best of Luck! GEL
carhill Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Courage can be found in weakness. Peace can be found in sadness. Joy can be found in acceptance. Truth can be found in reflection. In those pursuits, I wish you well.
Author LakesideDream Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 Are you encouraging me to do something about my feelings for him? I'm not sure I agree with you that I'm "going passively to the slaughter." Sometimes, doing nothing is the best thing to do. But I don't know ANYTHING for sure. And I may change my mind about all this tomorrow. You seem to be much more resolute about all this than I am. Fascinating... Again OB, this isn't like buying a new car, or deciding on new furniture for the living room. I would not presume to encourage you to do anything with your MM. It's taken 6 plus years for me to come to the opinion that it's time to make changes in my life. Six long years, over 2000 days and nights of thought and internal agnst. I'm doing what I have decided to do.
Never_Again Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I've been reading through this thread and I find it funny that no one realizes that EVERYONE is a hypocrite at some point of their life... Life has a funny way of knocking you down a notch when you need it... The best thing to do is to realize your faults and do your best with what you have...No one's perfect...LSD at least you "get" it...Lots of people don't... Best of Luck! GEL Oh yeah! And I will be the first to admit it! I have been the queen of hypocrisy at certain times in my life, for sure!
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