lovestruck818 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Soooo....I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now and I am closing on my first home next week. I feel very close with him & I really like him alot. He has alluded to "one day when we get married"...so I know he wants to marry me but I don't know when. He lived with his last gf and the relationship ended b/c of it and he told me is very reluctant now to move in with someone again. I think our chemistry is amazing and I think (at least I hope) he feels differently about me than his ex...maybe that he would want to move in. Should I ask him to take the plunge and come on board? Is 3 months too soon to be asking that? When do you think is a good time to cohabitate with your significant other? (By the way, we are 26 both...it's not like we are 18 or something...we're old enough & mature enough to handle something like this). All help is appreciated- thanks guys! I'm new here!
motive2002 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 He lived with his last gf and the relationship ended b/c of it and he told me is very reluctant now to move in with someone again. You may have answered your own question there. Perhaps wait until he brings it up?
AdrianaLima Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I think that you should wait. Are you sure that 3 months is enough to know all that you need to move this guy into your house?
Author lovestruck818 Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I think that you should wait. Are you sure that 3 months is enough to know all that you need to move this guy into your house? Well...I probbaly should have mentioned I have known him since high school...although we didn't start dating til 3 months aago...so do I know all I need to know?...yes.
AdrianaLima Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Do you ever wonder that you will be in the position of his ex girlfriend?
norajane Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I don't recommend moving in together unless you are married. Why give up your space, the ability to be alone when you want to, and force yourself to compromise on every little thing from dishes to laundry to bill paying and who cleans the bathroom when you don't have to? What would you possibly get out of moving him into your house that you don't have living apart?
Author lovestruck818 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I don't recommend moving in together unless you are married. Why give up your space, the ability to be alone when you want to, and force yourself to compromise on every little thing from dishes to laundry to bill paying and who cleans the bathroom when you don't have to? What would you possibly get out of moving him into your house that you don't have living apart? I dunno...I have never felt this way about anyone before. Right now too he lives 3 blocks away. When I move it'll be a about 30 mins. Not that is really far in the scheme of things, but I dunno, it would be nice to have him there all the time...waking up next to me, that kind of thing.
witabix Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Not after three months 818, too early, nearer to a year together, when you have been through all the different times that a year brings. Holidays, anniverseries etc.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 No, don't do it. Three months is not long enough to move in. YOu say you like him, you don't say love him. You really want the guy to take the lead in asking things like this, and if you want to get married, do not live together. He will have his milk for free and never marry you. You're making it too easy to him to "have you" and you might really scare him off if you broach the topic of moving in. DON'T. Soooo....I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now and I am closing on my first home next week. I feel very close with him & I really like him alot. He has alluded to "one day when we get married"...so I know he wants to marry me but I don't know when. He lived with his last gf and the relationship ended b/c of it and he told me is very reluctant now to move in with someone again. I think our chemistry is amazing and I think (at least I hope) he feels differently about me than his ex...maybe that he would want to move in. Should I ask him to take the plunge and come on board? Is 3 months too soon to be asking that? When do you think is a good time to cohabitate with your significant other? (By the way, we are 26 both...it's not like we are 18 or something...we're old enough & mature enough to handle something like this). All help is appreciated- thanks guys! I'm new here!
norajane Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I dunno...I have never felt this way about anyone before. Right now too he lives 3 blocks away. When I move it'll be a about 30 mins. Not that is really far in the scheme of things, but I dunno, it would be nice to have him there all the time...waking up next to me, that kind of thing. Just because you haven't felt this way about anyone before is not a sign that you should move him into your house. Nor is it a sign that either of you are ready for that. Nor does it mean it will work out. You may have known each other a long time, but that's very different from being in a relationship. The dynamics are completely different. If you move in together after such a short time, it is far more likely that your relationship will end, you will break up. You will be suddenly too close physically (sharing space) before your intimacy level has caught up, and before your relationship has caught up (knowing how to deal with compromises and arguments and issues). And if all you want is to wake up next to him, I'm sure he will start spending the night at your place often. He'll be there to wake up with. But he'll also be able to leave when you need space. Or when HE needs space. You two haven't dated so long that you need to completely focus your lives around being together all the time - that makes you less interesting to each other and kills the romance. Finally, if you can't come up with a good reason to move in together, you shouldn't.
Walk Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 What is a good reason to move in together? I wouldn't say finances are a good reason... so is it love? And isn't love wanting to wake up with your sweetie every morning? Personally, the time frame doesn't seem like that big of a deal in my eyes. The thing that would make me hesitate (if I were in your shoes) is simply the fact that its YOUR new house. I'd take some time to savor that accomplishment. Decorate it, fix up the little irregularities or any problems. Allow yourself to settle in before pulling in a new dynamic to the mix. Its kind of stressful right after purchasing a new home. There are things you didn't notice before, problems you may not have anticipated, new routines to get used to. You add in suddenly having your new bf moving in (which is stressful, filled with new routines, and problems you didn't anticipate) and it might create enough strain that it damages the relationship. I'd settle into the new place for a couple months, and then re-evaluate what you want in terms of your bf living with you. And talk to your bf about his views regarding living together. Like, his views on sharing household chores, Bill payment arrangements, whose furnishings to keep and whose to toss. Does he vacuum? Has he ever touched one in his life? When living together would he cook every meals? Who does the shopping? etc. Just get a over-all idea of his view of how things would go if you two were to move in together tomorrow. That would give you a heads up on what to expect, rather then being shocked by something two weeks after you agreed that he could live there.
Milan721 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I don't recommend moving in together unless you are married. Why give up your space, the ability to be alone when you want to, and force yourself to compromise on every little thing from dishes to laundry to bill paying and who cleans the bathroom when you don't have to? What would you possibly get out of moving him into your house that you don't have living apart? VERY well said! Once you're married (or committed for the long haul), you've got the rest of your lives to cohabitate. Once you start living together ...no more getting ready and surprising him with how hot you look when he comes to the door ..."dinner and a movie" starts to turn into "left overs and blockbuster" ...Questions like, "Why on earth can't his clothes make it to the hamper?" start to arise. Separate residences make dating someone so much more exciting.
norajane Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 What is a good reason to move in together? You've agreed to share your lives together, agree on a future together, and are ready to do the hard work and compromising that living together requires. None of those have happened here.
Author lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 I guess I am a little naive...I just like him a whole lot...but you are right, maybe being apart is better. He lives @ home with his parents still (as do I), but I am closing soon on my place. His parents are really sweet people but things like sleepovers and showers are not so easy when parents are around. It'll be nice to finally have a place to call our own...sorta.
norajane Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I guess I am a little naive...I just like him a whole lot...but you are right, maybe being apart is better. He lives @ home with his parents still (as do I), but I am closing soon on my place. His parents are really sweet people but things like sleepovers and showers are not so easy when parents are around. It'll be nice to finally have a place to call our own...sorta. If you both live with your parents, it's much better for each of you to live on your own for a while before you ever consider moving in with a bf/gf. You each need to stand on your own two feet away from the parents and have that kind of independence before you give it away to become dependent on each other.
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I say move in together. Heck why not? You only live once. They say people who cohabitate and then get married statistically have a higher divorce rate than those who didn't cohabitate first, but that doesn't prove cuase and effect. Besides cohabitating might be better than marriage anyway. It's getting the experience of being married without having to go and get married. Makes sense to me.
Author lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 I say move in together. Heck why not? You only live once. They say people who cohabitate and then get married statistically have a higher divorce rate than those who didn't cohabitate first, but that doesn't prove cuase and effect. Besides cohabitating might be better than marriage anyway. It's getting the experience of being married without having to go and get married. Makes sense to me. Well i would like to get married to a fella once day...preferably him...but i'm cool with being unmarried right now...too many damn papers to sign and too freakin' expensive...lol.
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Well i would like to get married to a fella once day...preferably him...but i'm cool with being unmarried right now...too many damn papers to sign and too freakin' expensive...lol. Why did his last cohabitation relationship break up? Did he break up or did she? If it was her doing and not his fault, then I think as long as you remain satisfied you should be OK.
Author lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Why did his last cohabitation relationship break up? Did he break up or did she? If it was her doing and not his fault, then I think as long as you remain satisfied you should be OK. It was his doing...but they probably were just not compatible anyway. She was a bit demanding...I'm very laid-back and chill...and extremely generous.
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 She was a bit demanding...I'm very laid-back and chill...and extremely generous. That's what I like, laid back, chill and generous. I hate demanding whiney girls. I always leave them.
Author lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 That's what I like, laid back, chill and generous. I hate demanding whiney girls. I always leave them. I mean there are times where I ask him to come over and he says he is tired or whatever...and sometimes I get sad but I always say "ok, sweetie"...I never show him that I need him or that he saddens me. I don't want to be "that girl" if you know what I am saying. Pretty much whatever he wants, he gets. The biggest thing yet was that I went on the birth control pill for him b/c he absolutely hates condoms (I prefer them actually...but I can see why a guy wouldn't like them). I just want to make him happy and avoid an argument. I'm very easy & chill and an awesome gf...he's freakin lucky to have me!! (I'm lucky to have him too though!)
Author lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 And I know he still talks to his ex on a regular basis...and it doesn't bother me one bit. Maybe that is weird but honestly, I'm laid back that I don't care about all that stuff...and I don't get jealous b/c no sense in it- at the end of the day I am the he wants to be with, so why should all the little bs in between matter?
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I mean there are times where I ask him to come over and he says he is tired or whatever...and sometimes I get sad but I always say "ok, sweetie"...I never show him that I need him or that he saddens me. I don't want to be "that girl" if you know what I am saying. Pretty much whatever he wants, he gets. The biggest thing yet was that I went on the birth control pill for him b/c he absolutely hates condoms (I prefer them actually...but I can see why a guy wouldn't like them). I just want to make him happy and avoid an argument. I'm very easy & chill and an awesome gf...he's freakin lucky to have me!! (I'm lucky to have him too though!) This is the way I like a girl to be.
TheFonz Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 And I know he still talks to his ex on a regular basis...and it doesn't bother me one bit. This kind of worries me. You say he broke it off, but is hesitant to move in with you, and he still talks to her?
norajane Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Pretty much whatever he wants, he gets. And does he make an effort for you? Are you getting what you want? A one-sided relationship will eventually create resentment in you, and a sense of entitlement in him.
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