MeloraB Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hopefully, this will be the last time I seek for advice, but right now I'm in dire need of one. OK, As some of you guys know, my BF has been in China for over three months and this has been killing me. I swear I could have dealt with the distance in a better way had it not been for one thing... his ex-girlfriend. Well, this is a girl he dated for a couple of months one time he went to spend summer in China two years ago. He broke up with her because of the distance, he barely goes to China and it pretty much was a summer fling. Well, I had to be all curious about this and starting checking his email. He first contacted her in January, asking her why he hadn't seen her around and she just said she wasn't going out as much. Her answer was pretty much indifferent but she said she wouldn't mind seeing him. I was cool with this, I confronted him about it and he just said that they have friends in common and it just seemed odd that she wasn't around (mind you, I always use IE and told him that I wanted to check my emails on Firefox and that it automatically went to his account). Well, that's obviously not true. He basically had told him his password before he left but he obviously forgot about it. At this point, I know they're hanging out. Cool beans. I don't really mind until I found an email from her from February. This is what she said and I quote: "Hey baby, I found some old pictures of you, enjoy Love you." IMAGINE the anger. My God, what is this bull*****?? I of course can't confront him again, because there's no way I can use the same excuse as before so this starts driving me insane. He can notice a change in me, but there's no way I can tell him that I was checking his account and I had found that little jewel. He never replied to her email by the way. So this has pretty much been going on for a month till I see this OTHER email a couple of days ago. It was her giving him her address in Israel (she's from there, and thank God she just moved back there for good) and the way she ends the email is by saying "you know how I feel". I freaked out, and deleted it. Well, I've obviously had too much of this bull, so I told him that I had done something VERY bad and begged for forgiveness. As soon as I said this, I knew I didn't want to tell him what I had been doing. Of course he thought I had cheated on him and it took him a while to get it out of me. He got mad, but it wasn't the reaction I expected. I thought he was gonna yell at me and end our relationship but instead he just said that he wasn't going to break up with me over this. R-E-L-I-E-F. Mind you, this is something that has been consuming me for over a month and being able to confront him about it was just what I needed. Plus I was feeling so bad about checking his email behind his back... I started the inquisition. I asked him, why was she taking the liberty to call him baby and say that she loves him and he said because she does and she's not over him. I asked him if they had sex, he said no. I asked him if they kissed, he said no. He also said that he's not like that. I know this guy pretty well and I can tell when he's lying and he wasn't. Obviously I asked him if they got around to talk about their feelings and he said yeah but he won't tell me what was said. He says that it's not important but it obviously is. It just seems to me like he also has feelings for her but he knows that a relationship between them is pretty much impossible. There are no chances for them to be together in the future. So I'm obviously upset because he won't tell me what they talked about and I just feel like although he loves me he's just going to stay with me for convenience. He also lied to me. I asked him if she had come on to him and he said no. Last night I asked him why he lied to me and he said that he didn't want to upset me. Well, he doesn't get how I work because him lying to me was worst than him not telling me that she had indeed come on to him. One thing I do have to say is that I have not found any kind of evidence that the feelings are mutual, and it's always her emailing him and telling him that she loves him, but of course, who in the world wants someone else hitting on the person they're with? I don't know what to do about this situation anymore. I feel like I've been left with more questions than before but I honestly want to drop it and forget about all this. Not even the fact that she's back in Israel makes me feel better. What can I do? It's not like he dumped her because it wasn't working out, he dumped her because it was an impossible relationship, so obviously he could still have some feelings left for her, I don't know...help? please?
Habibti Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You don't trust him. That doesn't mean he did anything to break your trust- you just plain don't have trust.It's not a him issue- it's a you issue. You took the liberty to go snooping around, why? Because you don't have trust. You're always looking for something- even if it can't be found. Until you resolve these problems within yourself you'll never have piece of mind and you won't grow together in your relationship either.
dancinggal Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hey hey, Look, I had a similar situation when my boy and I started dating. I was playing around on his computer when he was sleeping, and came across some incredibly romantic love letters he wrote to his ex. Well, it was ok at the time, because we were just starting out, so I thought it was kind of sweet and never mentioned it, but after we started our LDR, he never ever wrote me anything that romantic. Granted that I am not really the 'romantic' type, but come on! Anyway, it kind of bugged me, but I never said anything about it. Why? Because (to cut a long story short) he had been given ample opportunites to get with this girl, especially when he went back to Canada and we had to start our LDR, and he didn't want to. He wanted to stay with me. And he is moving all the way to Australia, away from his friends and football and the rest of it, for me. That is a far bigger gesture of love than any love letter. Ok, so what I'm trying to say is, don't get stressed about the stuff he won't tell you about. People are entitled to some sort of privacy. And the fact that you searched his email suggests that you looked at stuff he wasn't expecting you to. And you still didn't find any evidence that he was into this girl. I know its hard to take at first, but if he has the option to be with this other girl, and he is still holding out for you, I'd say that's proof enough of your feelings. If you are really upset, maybe write him a letter, telling him you feel betrayed or whatever, and make sure he knows. Then don't bring it up again. Hope this helps.
Krisa Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 So i'm going to admit something i'm not proud of...I by mistake figured out my ex boyfriends email password years after we split...I was trying to log into something, and I couldn't so I requested the password and name...and it was his name and a password he made up...So this is really bad, but I had to try it...i typed in his email address an that password into hotmail and it worked. NOW here is the really bad part 6 years after we slit...I start wondering what he's up too (even though I'm way over him) and check his email... YOU can't help but do it...it's like I can't stop myself...I have to know! It's wrong and you know its wrong...but it's like you have no control over it. (oh wow...i sound like a crazy lady!)
Nevermind Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 but it's like you have no control over it Yes you can. If you can't, you'll have to accept that a boyfriend might tell you "sorry hon, I ****ed every girl around...didn't mean to....but it's like you have no control over it".
Miad's Princess Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Wow, something similar happened with me recently. When I started my LDR I knew my bf had a previous online relationship and it had fizzled out before we were romantic but they stayed friends (as they had been friends a long time before there relationship started) well i didn't really mind them chatting I didn't think much about it. Not long ago I started to feel bothered (If) he was chatting to his FEMALE friends (not just her) in the same time as he was talking to me (Online). I figured it was pissing me off if I had to wait on him to talk to me if he was typing someone else (girls) never bothered me about his male friends lol.... (Oh btw he never said I'm talking to such and such, I just used to think the worst lol. But a few days ago we were online and when I asked who he was talking to he said it was an old friend once he said the name I knew it was a girl. It bugged me but I let it go, when we talked on the fone after it I found out it was his "online ex" not just an "old friend" this bugged me more but hey worse was to come... Apparantly that day and the time before she told him she was jealous of the girl who left him comments on faceparty (ie me) and asked is she your girlfriend! When he told her I was she made it clear that she felt bad he had moved on (apparantly in her mind she thought that might have been together) even though there romance died many months before we were together. When he confronted her with it she said I thought you would gave us a second chance. This just fu**ed me off cose I'm thinking why wait all these months to bring it up. If you wanted him you should have kept your relationship in good condition and not let him go to find someone else. Then I started on him by saying I know you told me your previous relationships (offline and this one) ended coze they just fizzled out maybe it worked for you and your exs (in real life) but obv you both not being clear to each other has made this situation worse. Damn anyway all I'm saying is I know how you feel someone else wanting your man. I hope he makes it clear to her he isn't interested and really he shouldn't continue his friendship with her if she persists. I hope that my man also stands by these words. I hope she accepts what he has told her. Only time will tell I suppose!
Krisa Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Yes you can. If you can't, you'll have to accept that a boyfriend might tell you "sorry hon, I ****ed every girl around...didn't mean to....but it's like you have no control over it". Ha ha, that's funny, but not a parallel analogy... My point was that when you have information like that at your fingertips...it's hard not to use it.
Nevermind Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Why is it really hard? Everybody is curious, but unless you are willing to give up every ounce of privacy you have no right to take away the privacy of your partner. It is bad to snoop around and it never helps. The only acceptable reason is when you already have strong and specific doubts about a partner's fidelity. Everything else is just BS. Checking an ex's e-mails is just wrong. He owes nothing to you, his life is not of any consequence to you. You were invading his privacy. What would you think if the same thing happened to you? The information didn't crawl up to you and said "read me, come on, reeeeaaad meeee". You came upon a pw and you chose to use it. You then decided to read his e-mails. Nothing of this had to happen.
Author MeloraB Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 You don't trust him. That doesn't mean he did anything to break your trust- you just plain don't have trust.It's not a him issue- it's a you issue. You took the liberty to go snooping around, why? Because you don't have trust. You're always looking for something- even if it can't be found. Until you resolve these problems within yourself you'll never have piece of mind and you won't grow together in your relationship either. Obviously I don't. How can I trust him when he lies to me? I know he does it with the best intentions. He thinks that by not telling me what this girl is up to he's making it easier for me when in reality I wouldn't CARE about what she tells him if it weren't for him lying. IT'S THE LYING THAT PISSES ME OFF. Either way, he lied to me last night yet again, covering up for this ....woman...and I couldn't take it anymore, so I broke it off...it doesn't matter anymore. And to think we've endured so much and he's going to be back soon... And please guys, don't turn this thread into what is morally correct or wrong when it comes to privacy . No one is perfect. Thanks for your replies.
Krisa Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Checking an ex's e-mails is just wrong. He owes nothing to you, his life is not of any consequence to you. You were invading his privacy. What would you think if the same thing happened to you? The information didn't crawl up to you and said "read me, come on, reeeeaaad meeee". You came upon a pw and you chose to use it. You then decided to read his e-mails. Nothing of this had to happen. Well...it did happen to me, he got on my account and changed my information...and he changed it to.. not so nice information that all my friends could see. I do think what I did was wrong...and I never was trying to make it seem like it was right! I did come upon a pw and I did use it...I never said it was right. But I have had a laugh reading his emails...(I haven't read them in forever, and I know I shouldn't be doing it at all...but about every 6 months I have a look...YES I KNOW...BAD BAD BAD) Too bad I didn't have his pw when we were together and he was cheating on my with a girl he met on LavaLife.
lovelorcet Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 One thing I do have to say is that I have not found any kind of evidence that the feelings are mutual, and it's always her emailing him and telling him that she loves him, but of course, who in the world wants someone else hitting on the person they're with? I am understanding this a bit different than the other posters here I think. If you were my gf I would kick your ass to the curb faster than your head could spin. What you did is really awful because you have no clue what is actually going on. As you have stated here you actually have only found that some chick is hitting on him. He really hasn't done anything wrong here! I also find it really childish that now after acting all clingy and insecure that you are pissed at him because he lied about this girl hitting on him. Cut the guy some slack, maybe he really didn't want to upset you. So in the end YOU are too insecure to be in this relationship. This is YOUR doing and it is now YOUR fault that you have found a reason to break up with a guy when you have no proof that he did anything wrong.
Author MeloraB Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 ^ lovelorcet, What I did was awful and I know that. Why do you think I took my chances and told him what I was doing? Because I was feeling HORRIBLE about it. And no, I wasn't trying to come up with an excuse to break up with him. I love this guy too much to just end it like that. And if you want me to tell you the truth, this is the best thing that has happened in our relationship since he left. We both have come clean and have nothing to hide. The only reason I tried to break it off with him is because I put myself in his position and had he been the one to do this there's a chance I would have reacted like you described, who knows. Here is the thing though, I'm in the same situation he's in right now. There's this guy who is always hitting on me, and waiting for us to break up and whatnot and I just told him about it, just like that because I don't think that the whole thing is a big deal. Why couldn't he do the same thing for me and tell me about it? I would have joked about the whole thing!. Oh and how can you say he did nothing wrong? As far as I know lying and hiding things are not acceptable.
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