KelliG Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I was glad to find this forum because I really need some kind of guidance! I will start from the beginning. A year and a half ago, I lost my boyfriend of 2 years to a car accident. Of course this was very difficult to get through, although we had a relationship that was very rocky and there were times I felt that I deserved better, honestly even his own family would tell me that I deserved better. I won't get into that more right now, but it was still quite hard to think about dating again for a while. Around 8 months after his death, I met and began seeing this great guy. We are both in our late 20's and the relationship has been going fine, we rarely argue and we are both on the same career path, so we have a lot in common. I hate to say it, but he's much better to me than my ex. He's romantic and calls me his princess. But this is the problem...despite the hard times I had with my ex, I want to remember him like I would any other friendship. I still have a photo album that he and I kept of all the cool trips we took together, as well as candids. His family also gave me some things that they thought he would want me to have, like his University shirts because we met in college, also some letters that I wrote to him when we first became a couple. My boyfriend is very bothered by all this. Even though I keep everything stashed away in a closet, it isn't as though I have pictures framed around the house. When first got a place together, he wanted me to get rid of all of it. Especially the shirts because I still wear them on lazy days sometimes. But even more so the letters, which I somewhat understand but anyway I talked him into letting me keep it all as long as I kept it out of sight. A few weeks ago, I was bored while my boyfriend was out, and decided to skim through the photo album. It does make me a bit sad, but there were some happy memories. Anyway I started doing something else and forgot to put the album away, so when my boyfriend got home he saw this and got upset with me. I explained that I was just bored and I like to remember the trips that I went on. He blew it off but acted a little cold towards me for a few hours. Then out of nowhere, he came home from work the other day and said I'm "reminiscing too much" and if I don't dump all the stuff, that it's over! He says I'm not really moving on yet. I feel that I've moved on fine, considering it's only been 18 months since the accident. But my boyfriend seems to think I have to throw out the letters and pictures in order to "really let go". What would you do in this situation? I love my boyfriend very much and this is the only problem we've ever really had. A couple of days later I asked him if he still stands with what he said, and he told me yes but he's willing to give me some time to figure out what I want to do. I said "I don't think your being totally fair", and he said to try and put myself in his shoes. I ended up trashing the letters but he wants me to trash the pictures too and I can't bring myself to do that. Please help.
NeanderthalSSoldier Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You need your grieving period. Only you can determine when that's over. If he's that intolerant and immature now imagine how you'll feel if you continue to grow a relationship with this idiot. Anyone who throws ultimatums down in a relationship is the one with the insecurities.
Author KelliG Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 That makes sense. He is not normally insecure about things though. I have lunch almost daily with a man that I work with, and he is married but still I think most boyfriends would be bothered by that. And my boyfriend has never seemed to care. But with my ex it's another story.
LoveLace Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 They are only pictures I personally don't see what the big deal is. Anyone keeps pictures if they lost someone close to them. Hasn't he ever lost a family member or friend?
mark982 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 i still have letters,pics,cards you name it. wife knows about it and doesn't bother her. why should it,it was all b/4 her,can't just act like it never happened. in my opion he's acting like a butthead.
Author KelliG Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Greg (my bf) struggles with this because of how my ex treated me. There were times when he was abusive, not really physical but very much verbal. He had a temper and would throw things, etc. Before the accident, I was trying to convince him we should try counseling because he wanted to get married but I wanted to work on our problems first. The day before he died, he was beginning to consider the counseling. Anyway, this is why my boyfriend does not understand why I hold on to memories of him, he says "I don't get why you want to keep remembering that". I explained that I remember the good times, more than the bad. Today I told Greg that I will absolutely not get rid of my photo album, but I could care less about everything else. He just moaned and said "whatever" -- so I guess he's okay with that much. I guess we are ok now but he might come out of nowhere with his ultimatum again I hope not.
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