Galexia Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hey all.... How bad is to be the person giving validation to a broken hearted person? I happen to be the ex of a man who has come to me looking for validation. He has found it. Is it hurtful to myself, since i secretly hope we get back together one day? What good can come out of me being there for him? What bad can come. Should I just stop contact?
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 My prediction is he'll suck the life out of you. Sorry
Author Galexia Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 My prediction is he'll suck the life out of you. Sorry What do you mean? How?
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I mean that, if the only need being filled is your need to help him, and you ignore your other needs, he will suck the life out of you. IOW, he'll be making nothing but withdrawals from your love bank and you'll be hoping, down the road, that he'll make a big deposit, with interest. I realize it's more complicated than that, but, having been in a similar situation a number of times in life, I can only say be prepared for that.
Author Galexia Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I mean that, if the only need being filled is your need to help him, and you ignore your other needs, he will suck the life out of you. IOW, he'll be making nothing but withdrawals from your love bank and you'll be hoping, down the road, that he'll make a big deposit, with interest. I realize it's more complicated than that, but, having been in a similar situation a number of times in life, I can only say be prepared for that. So what is the best way to handle it? Should i just end all contact, even though i want to be his friend. I dont want to end all contact. How can i be friends with him with boundaries strong enough so as not to take too much out of my account? thanks
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 The key is to be honest with yourself. If the frequency and content of your contact, as well as your feelings regarding it, are more than you would have with/for a platonic friend, then it's going to be an issue, if my experience is any guide.
Author Galexia Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 The key is to be honest with yourself. If the frequency and content of your contact, as well as your feelings regarding it, are more than you would have with/for a platonic friend, then it's going to be an issue, if my experience is any guide. Well, I thank you for the good advice. I think i understand what you mean. I just know it'll take a lot of willpower on my end to limit contact. Another interesting factor is that i am IN a relationship with someone else. This ex of mine broke my heart BIG TIME about 5 years ago, and I have never gotten over it...and my boyfriend agrees. Since I've been totally honest with him about it, he actually suggested me "going for it" if it was the right time!!! He knows my heart is with this guy. But when I weigh out the pros and cons of both men, my current BF takes the cake. But my heart chooses the other. Its crazy. The RIGHT thing to do is to end contact. But my HEART wont allow me to. I want him in my life.
carhill Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 The key is to realize you can have an emotional/spiritual connection with someone who isn't healthy for you in a relationship. You can be soulmates with someone who isn't a romantic partner. There are lots of permutations. Given your candor with your BF and his response, you could consider taking a break and resolve your issues with your ex and break the emotional bond or build a healthy relationship. Ambiguity and wonder brings interest and distraction. IMO, that's not fair to your current BF. If you were my GF, I'd let you go (not in a bad way) to resolve your heart issues. I understand better with age about things not being black and white. I wish you well
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