alba Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hi there new to the forum. I really could do with some advice on how to handle a very complicated situation. Its a long story so please bare with me. About 18 months ago I met a girl who works in my local pub. Out of the blue she told me she liked me, we didn't get together for whatever reason. We ended up falling out because of the akwardness, she admitted she was being childish and was being horrible to me and didn't know why. In short we became good friends. I started getting feelings for her. She met a guy about 6 months ago. It was hard, but I stuck by her as a friend and made an effort to be friends with him. We went out alot together. Some nights were difficult but I was genuinely happy for her. He soon started treatng her badly and she wasn't happy. They split up about 4 times, each time he would act like he had changed to get her back but as soon as he did he changed back and they would split again. Over the past couple of months we have become really close, talking every night online for hours, texting each other all day. It seemed like things were changing and something would happen between us. We were getting flirty, talking about what we wanted from life and we wanted the same things. We "joked" that we should get together. She kept hinting about it. She was making excuses for him not to come round so she could talk to me. We would talk about us going out with her son, but it didnt happen. He has always been very controlling, making her feel bad and like everything is her fault. Whenever he was in the pub when she was working he would look over at the bar to check on her literally every couple of minutes. Well she finally said enough is enough and ended it with him saying she knew it was what she had to do to be happy, we were getting closer, she was talking about me coming on holiday with her and her dad and son as they had split up. We admitted we trusted each other more than anyone else and she couldnt trust him anymore as he was texting all her friends telling hem everything she said. The night she broke up with him, he said he would never let her be happy, would follow her everywhere and then said he would kill himself. She was terrified, she said she doesn't want any more to do with him but was worried because wouldnt want that on her conscience for the rest of her life. However he apologised the next day and said it was just because he was upset. She believe him and said they could carry on being friends beacuse she felt sorry for him. Well he thought that by being friends he could and should come out with her everytime she went out. He kept turning up at the pub when she was working just saying he wanted a drink even though he lives about 15 miles away and doesnt drink cos he drove. It was clear that he was just hoping to get her back. I went with her to meet a couple of friends in town and he hadn't been invited, he used to work at the bar we were going to as a doorman, me and her ended up on our own and we had a really good night, and felt closer still, she told her friend what a great night we had and admitted she had feelings for me. It turned out that that night he called one of the door staff to check on her. She goes for a girls night out on the sunday, he isnt invited yet he turns up again, depsite her not getting mad at him and joining in with him he takes an overdose and is in hospital for a couple of days. Well we carried on talking, getting closer, I really felt like something was going to happen. Two weeks ago she asked me out just me and her for the first time just us two. It wasn't officially a date but it felt like one.Im not sure why but she told him we were going out. I got texts like "soon stepping in my shoes". She says that tomorrow she is going to tell him she wants no more contact. I think this is it we are going to get together.Well we were having a great night but guess what he turned up. He started getting in my face saying I know youve fancied her from day one, and if you had the chance you would be with her tomorrow. We both think he is going to hit me, they go outside and argue and she thinks he is going to hit her. He sort of apologises to me and we are all stood at the bar in silence. We decide to carry on with our night and we have a laugh, he sits there looking moody for an hour or so then eventually goes. She mentions about me going to Butlins with her and her son, things are looking good. The next day we talk online and she says she is going to stick by him as a friend as he doesn't have anybody else, i get frustrated but dont say anything because i can clearly see, and he admitted it to me that he is only staying friend in hope of getting her back, and I know that whilst he is still on the scene there is no chance of us getting together. I try to do the right thing and tell him there were no hard feelings. We arrange a night, me, her, him and a couple of other friends. Were still talking like we are very close. She tells me that I better be in top form on the night out, having a laugh and having fun like i usually do and that they will follow my lead. Well sunday arrives and before we even go out I start feeling under pressure to have a good time. I arrive at the pub where we were meeting. She is sat with him and he is all over her as usual, but also being moody and moaning about her. She doesn't speak to me much so the pressure mounts even more. We go into town to a bar. He is driving and they are chatting and looking so close etc, just as if they are still together. I start feeling more pressure, start feeling jealous. We get to the bar and again its all them two, i start feeling left out. Start feeling like im not good enough. I start drinking more than i usually do hoping it will relax me and get me in the mood. I lose track of what I drank and although I can't remember it I apparently caused a scene and she told me to leave. I wasn't saying anything about them two i was just really drunk. I woke up the next day feeling awful and having no idea what happened the night before. She doesnt reply to my text for a while. I try to call her and she doesnt answer. That night she came online. She hardly said anything. I find out what went on and I apologise and end up explaining how i was feeling and telling her how I feel, she doesnt say much. She says she is not mad at me, but I have to watch what im drinking. I tell her I like her but being a friend is most important thing and I dont want to lose that. I ask her if we are ok and she says yes, then she goes offline. I can tell from the way she was quiet that everything wasnt quite ok. I didnt hear anymore from her for a few days, I didnt go online as I decided to give her some space. I text her on thursday asking if she is ok and ask her a question about work to find out if she is working that night. She replies a few hours later saying she is fine and confirms that she is working. I decide not to go to the pub that night which is our regular night out there. I didnt want to make her feel uncomfortable at work until I knew we were ok. I didn't want to do the things her ex did you know. I was hoping she would be online friday night and we would chat, clear the air, as we usually chatted for hours on a friday night. She didnt come online and I found out that she has gone away with him for the weekend this weekend. They are not back together but it was planned weeks ago when they were still toghether. It hurt and I am fully expecting them to be together again when they come back, I cant see them spending a weekend away togher and sharing a bed etc without this happening. Since that last sunday I have been beating myself up and trying to figure out what to do for the best. The selfish part of me wants her, the not so selfish part of me just wants things to be back the way they were and stay close mates, but Im not taking that for granted that it can happen. The none selfish part of me just wants her to be happy and is thinking that I should just disappear fromt he scene so she can sort herself out, and if someone needs to get hurt and lose out in order for things to be easier for her and to be happy I would rather it be me as although it will break my heart and I will feel like I have lost my best friend I know I will ultimtately deal with it. Im expecting she may be online tonight and I really dont know what to do or how to handle it. I don't know whether to just not talk to her if she does and see if she talks to me. If she is quiet and is still not chatty I dont know whether to just back off, not act like its bothering me but be there for her hoping that with space time she will talk to me. Or do I tell her how I feel and offer to back off and let her get on with what she needs to do. And then say she is back with him but she still wants to be friends and be like it was before, I dont know whether to just swallow my feelings and carry on enjoying haveing her as a friend, be there for her as a mate and hope that if things dont work out between them she will finally say no more contact and we may get together. But if that happens im worried that Im going to get really frustrated and jealous again and mess things up even more. Because we haven't talked and I don't know what the situation is I really don't know how to react or what to do for the best. I know she is not normally the best person when it comes to talking about difficult situations like this, and Im worried she will just back off now and not even talk to me about it. I told you it was a long story, if youve gotten this far thank you for taking the time to read it. Any advice would be appreciated. Believe me I have thought about all the what ifs, is she using me? Does she just not know what she wants? Is she too scared to do anything incase he tries to kill himself again? I just have so many feelings going on at the moment. Hurt, anger, feeling like ive possibly been used, feeling like im not good enough for her, jealousy, everything. Im almost dreading her coming online or the next time we talk as I have no idea how to handle things or how its going to pan out!
Belkin Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 So to summarize what I understood... You met this girl a year and a half ago, got along great, and could have dated but didn't. She quickly just saw you as a friend, while you continued to have feelings for her but again kept it to yourself. Then she goes out with this guy, and you act happy for her. You stick around all this time, and each time they split you're the shoulder she cries on before getting back with him. And you REJECT her each time she tries to see if you're interested in her by joking with getting together and never actually taking it seriously as she obviously WANTED you to. Finally, they split one last time for good, and again you just wait for something to happen! And you are all surprised when something does happen: they go on a weekend date together. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but the other guy didn't wait for something to happen out of the blue, he made it happen. He acted, did what it took to have what he wanted, while you just hoped and waited and didn't do anything besides be a great friend to this girl. So now you've basically got 2 choices: either keep on acting as her best friend, while you really want to be her boyfriend, or finally end this 18 months crazy story by asking her out! Chances seem extremely slim she'll accept, she'll most probably be more surprised than anything and tell you she now only sees you as a friend and you missed you chance quite a few months ago. But at least you'll know and you'll be able to move on! You've been after this girl for EIGHTEEN MONTHS! Don't you think it's time you DO something about it?
Author alba Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) Ok my post was long enough so I didn't write too much of the back story as at the moment its the present situation Im trying to figure out. When we first met, I'd seen her in the pub a few times and thought she was really cute. I had only been back in the country and going to that pub for a few months. I thought she was cute but we'd never spoken really. We were out for a friends birthday, his sister who is best friends with the girl came out and brought her with her. It was that night that her friend came over to me and told me that she really liked me. We spent the night chatting, we kissed etc, I dropped her home and we kissed again. It was all out of the blue. She had seen me in the pub the past few months and liked me. She said that I best come down the pub again next week. So I do, and she hardly makes eye contact with me the entire night, doesnt really talk to me, then at the end of the night she kisses me again. Then the next few times I come in she acts like nothing has happened, I think she is really shy, which she admitted since that she is with people she fancies. I offered to leave her alone, she said she didnt want me too, but then goes back to being quiet again. Believe me I tried 18 months ago to get with her, I told her how I felt, and because of that akwardness, and what she described as her being childish and treating me badly because she didnt know what she wanted we had a big fall out. We made up and we spent most of the following 6 months or so going from friends who had only just made up with still a feeling of akwardness to becoming friends with no akwardness, but only friends, she was not interested in a relationship at this point. Then as we are just becoming friends she met this guy, and i know that for the first few months of their relationship she was happy, and I wouldn't have stood a chance if I told her how i felt. Its only in the past Id say 2 months, since weve been talking so openly and honestly with each other that I feel that she now actually has feelings for me, before she didn't, not to the point she wanted to get together anyway. And I don't joke about us getting together, she hasn't given me any chances to, I think she is going to then something will change. She is crappy at talking about he feelings, when she was considering splitting with him i was saying "well maybe its for the best" and she said "only because you want me" and I said "yes I do" and she just laughed. One day I told her I fancied taking a day off work and she said make it a tuesday or a wednesday and we can go out together, I said Ok, booked off the day. I kept saying to her we should go out then and do this or do that, but she didnt. Believe me I have tried to make her my girfriend, buit it seems like it is her that is stalling each time not me. Thats why I really do think maybe she does not know what she wants. So yes we did meet 18 months ago, but no we didnt get along great, it was a disaster because she just clammed up and she admitted we fell out because she wasnt prepared to talk about things. I think at that time she had seen me and had thought I was attractive but didnt want a relationship at the time. It is only just recently that she has actually started getting feelings for me other than been attracted, and she hasn't admitted this to me but too her friend. And thats what I mean, with me its the does she does she not, i keep thinking we are going somewhere then something with her ex will happen and I will think, ok, maybe not... Edited March 30, 2008 by alba
Rowdy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 It sounds like a tough situation. The problem is that you have known her for quite some time, and women place men in the potential partner or friend zone pretty quickly. At this point you can either make a clear and strong move on her by letting her know how you feel; act like everything is fine and remain friends with her; or cut off contact completely. As uncomfortable as it may be, I would probably clearly let her know how I feel. The timing may be a little off, but it is a really bad feeling when you stand aside and watch someone get a woman you care about.
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