shadowplay Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 The ingrained tardiness sounds like a dealbreaker to me Star. Haven't read the whole thread, but I agree. His tardiness suggests a lack of thoughtfulness in general that will no doubt manifest in other ways if you embarked on a relationship.
carhill Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 For me, it was more the way he dealt with SG's response, almost like a child responding to being reprimanded by his mother. Not mature, IMO. Maturity is pervasive, not compartmentalized. Watch for that. I know men in their 40's and 50's who still behave that way. Embarrassing, IMO.
Timberlane Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 People who are habitually late are immature and self-centered in my book. That might fly when you are a teenager, but once you are holding down a job and living as an adult, you need to learn how long it takes to drive different places in town, add up the minutes, and show up on time. If you can't figure that out, then you need to be early. This guy is not taking things seriously.
sb129 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I agree. In fact, as soon as he said it, he took it back and said he'd try really, really hard. however, if I'm going on a date w/ someone I'm excited about or to something very very important I'll make sure I'm on time. . Exactly- it suggests to me that getting boozed with his buddies was more important than a date with you. Which, after only 5 dates is kinda fair enough, after all you aren't exclusive, but he should have just not committed to go with you. CNYCG makes a very good point here: My issue with his lateness of yesterday would really have been the fact that he did not really do anything to even try to be on time. He knew 7 am was going to be rough - but he got very drunk (at least enough to be very hung over in the am) the night before. Precious ski time! Someone finally gets it!!! Alot of people get it! Myself and TBF to name a few- see our earlier argument with Ariadne. If you really want to continue dating him, I would refuse to plan anything with him that is time dependent - so no shows, sporting events, etc. Dinners are fine, hiking is fine, etc. But don't set yourself up for being angry with him - don't plan anything that will stress you out if you are late. I just think that this is too much effort for a very new, non-exclusive relationship. Why bother screening your events when you can devote time to finding someone that CAN make it to events that are time dependent. The first few dates should be fun, and part of the honeymoon period. You should be so interested in someone that you either don't notice their flaws or if you do, they are far outweighed by the positives. I can't see this improving unfortunately, he doesn't see that his lateness is a problem, and I can't see you getting used to it in a hurry Sg!
StartingOver07 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 We'd go up the lift, and I'd go down and wait 10-15 minutes for him to meet me at the next lift/run. Finally I got tired of waiting for him, and just took another lift up on my own...and passed him (again!) on the way back down. But to his credit, he did very well for someone with so little experience. Precious ski time! Someone finally gets it!!! I think lots of people get it, Star. The question is: what are you getting, exactly? He's announced who he is (someone who is chronically late) and you've announced your standards (you want someone on time). If neither of you is willing to yield to the other in this mismatch -- and I don't see that being the case -- then the only thing to "get" is that it's not going to work. You can read another 100 posts in which your posiition is validated but that's not the point. He's not going to change by virtue of 100 or 200 posts on loveshack. He's not going to change by virtue of you scolding him like he's a small child (even if this, too, is "justified"). He is probably not even going to change because you keep telling him how important this is to you; he may feel that being loose about time is just as important to him! He is only going to change if and when he wants to, from his own motivations. This is what you need to "get." If you are prepared to wait him out, or if you feel his other qualities make this one livable, then go for it. Otherwise, if this is a dealbreaker, as you suggest, then recognize that the deal is broken. Spending time being upset about a situation you can prevent is just silly.
hotgurl Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 well it was rude of him to be so late. It was also rude of you to leave him behind skiing. If getting in runs is so important to you than ski with someone who is on your level. You weren't even sharing the expereince with him. Frankly I would be POed. as a side not I am po'ed because the mountain where I live raised it season passes another $100 this year. It is a $250 increase from 3 years. ago.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Have you considered that this chronically late guy might have ADD ? Would you be willing to look that up on Google and see if he has any of the other traits ? Good thought, Mary. He told me he thinks he has it. He seems easily distracted, moved off-topic a lot. Personally I am like most here its a big pet peeve when someone does not respect your time ( your valuable time ) and is non chalent about getting somewhere with you on time. It's the non-chalantness (is that a word? ha!) that bugggggggs me the most right now.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Wow his good stuff must be really very, very good! We'll see... If you really want to continue dating him, I would refuse to plan anything with him that is time dependent - so no shows, sporting events, etc. Dinners are fine, hiking is fine, etc. But don't set yourself up for being angry with him - don't plan anything that will stress you out if you are late. That's what I'm thinking at this point. For me, it was more the way he dealt with SG's response, almost like a child responding to being reprimanded by his mother. Not mature, IMO. Maturity is pervasive, not compartmentalized. Yup. Grrrr. Seems like you just wanted an ego trip by showing off how good of a skier you are' date=' that's why you were pissed when you thought he wouldn't make it. You wouldn't get a chance to show off and feed your ego to the poor guy.[/quote'] Right. I wanted to "show off" my skills after having been skiing only about 10 times in my entire life. He's a snowboarder, I'm a skiier. Two completely different things, very different skills. There was no showing off there. well it was rude of him to be so late. It was also rude of you to leave him behind skiing. He ASKED me to leave him behind. I kept waiting for him, and he said that he felt nervous knowing I was waiting for him, but I wanted to wait (originally) because that was the entire point - to ski/board together. But after waiting for a long time for the upteenth time, I took him up on his suggestion.
hotgurl Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 He ASKED me to leave him behind. I kept waiting for him, and he said that he felt nervous knowing I was waiting for him, but I wanted to wait (originally) because that was the entire point - to ski/board together. But after waiting for a long time for the upteenth time, I took him up on his suggestion. usually what I do is ski a few runs with the BF than let him go off and hook up together again. I had a really bad fall years ago and stopped skiing so now I am slow. BTW I wouldn't put up with the lateness it is a pet peeve of mine as well.
Jilly Bean Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 SG - of course it's your ultimate decision if you want to keep dating this guy. I just think some posters have raised some very good points about these early actions being indicative of his character and dating MO. To me, the early part of courtship is when a man should be on his best behavior in order to "win" the woman (and yes, she is on her best behavior as well). If he is this casual about your dates and time commitments at this point, I would wonder what's coming down the pike. To me, it would portend of more selfish, inconsiderate behavior that will manifest in more areas that just him being late for dates. If it were me, I would have cut him loose after the ski fiasco. But, that's me, and I have a very short wick for guy BS. Though I do applaud you for being tenacious in your dating relationships, I think it's also wise to pay attention to the yellow flags, before they change to red.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 usually what I do is ski a few runs with the BF than let him go off and hook up together again. That's exactly what I did, and that's usually what I do with everyone else (except with others I'm the slow poke).
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 SG - of course it's your ultimate decision if you want to keep dating this guy. I just think some posters have raised some very good points about these early actions being indicative of his character and dating MO. To me, the early part of courtship is when a man should be on his best behavior in order to "win" the woman (and yes, she is on her best behavior as well). If he is this casual about your dates and time commitments at this point, I would wonder what's coming down the pike. To me, it would portend of more selfish, inconsiderate behavior that will manifest in more areas that just him being late for dates. If it were me, I would have cut him loose after the ski fiasco. But, that's me, and I have a very short wick for guy BS. Though I do applaud you for being tenacious in your dating relationships, I think it's also wise to pay attention to the yellow flags, before they change to red. Oh I totally, totally agree. I'm just not sure there's good enough cause YET to completely cut him loose.
Nevermind Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 If you are just waiting for a good reason to end it, then this in itself is a good reason.
Krytie TV Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 This is going to sound mean, but it's not meant in that way. SG, are you willing to just date anyone that pays attention to you? And only at their convenience at that?
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 This is going to sound mean, but it's not meant in that way. SG, are you willing to just date anyone that pays attention to you? And only at their convenience at that? Hardly! I've actually dated 4 guys since the Ex - anywhere from one date to six - all of whom have "paid attention to me." Lots of attention. This is just the only one I've really been interested in so far. He has a ton of great qualities... I just can't tell YET if this will change with time, or whether his other qualities will make up for his habitual tardiness if he doesn't improve.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I just spoke to two friends about this. Y'all are right, once again! Okay, okay. He's not going to change or improve, and I can't handle it. Next!
Replicant Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I don't think there is much to say in such a case. People rarely change personal habits they have been accustomed too unless *they* really have the motivational factor to want to do so 'themselves'. To drop the hammer on this dude would be point out the blatant disrespect to you, and ruining dates by doing this...period. Choosing to live with him doing this (as lame as the excuses are) maybe you should watch for a pattern and start offsetting date times earlier based on his typical average lateness. One the other hand if you have zero tolerance for such there is only so many warnings in this sort of situation before such people deserve their clock punched for good.
Advocate's Devilette Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I just spoke to two friends about this. Y'all are right, once again! Okay, okay. He's not going to change or improve, and I can't handle it. Next! He probably wasn't going to call anyway. So this is convenient to say now.
Author Star Gazer Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 He probably wasn't going to call anyway. So this is convenient to say now. Less than 24 hours later? Please. But it's pretty funny you say that after he already has, huh?
jerbear Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Less than 24 hours later? Please. But it's pretty funny you say that after he already has, huh? Did he call on time?
Author Star Gazer Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Did he call on time? Dangit! I wish there was a set-time for him to call so I could answer that!!
Trimmer Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 SG - separate from whether his looseness with schedule says anything about his character or your insistence on timeliness says anything about your character is the issue that you guys just flat out mismatched. You: Being on time is really important to me. (There, I've said it.) Him: Oh, I'm not usually on time. (There, I've corrected her.) You: ... but being on time is really, really important to me. (There, so now he knows what is important to me, and he will shape up with the timeliness.) Him: Yeah, but even so, I'm probably still going to be late. (There, so now she knows how I roll, and she will chill out on the schedule thing.) ...and you both exit that conversation thinking that the other will come to your side, but neither does. Personally, I think that someone agreeing, planning, and committing to being somewhere on-time, and then blowing it off with a casual attitude would make for a person I could not be with, if that is a pattern... As others have pointed out, if he doesn't like getting up early, doesn't want to be held to an important schedule, whatever, then simply decline the invitation.
Lishy Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 He sounds like he does have ADD - But I see you have already made the choice to bail (good choice) Oh Star, when will you meet the right guy? I honestly believe you should give the dating sites a miss, IMO (dont jump on me) dating sites are full of losers who cant hold down a relationship for one reason or another! You have a good career and you are young still, dont desperately seek a relationship or you will just end up like this time after time. Just forget about men for a while and it will come to you!
DanielMadr Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Finally, great idea, get off the internet dating BS. Hey SG, I can be your BF. You can tell all your friends you date a hot European guy. Could you manage the green card formalities in the meantime,luv, thanks I hope you are good with plow. When you come on a visit here, my mom would appreciate some help. CU soon
Little Shy Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Hey SG, I can be your BF. You can tell all your friends you date a hot European guy. Could you manage the green card formalities in the meantime,luv, thanks CU soon Ahhhh! Budding love on LS! You've got to love it! Sigh!
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